hey everyone. I need help with something I don't understand. My boyfriend is an addict. Ever since i was pregnant with our 4 year-old he's gone through stages where he's been on something or other. First it was coke, then drinking, pills, heroin and now back to pills again. He thinks because he's been able to go a couple of months at a time without using that he isn't an addict. When he does use though, he does something for months, everday nonstop. He ate pills everday for over a year, spending $200 a day. I eventually left him and he ended up eating methadone and xanax one night which caused him to OD. He was on life support for 3 days after that and showed no brain activity. He doctors did not think he'd wake up but surprisingly he did. His brain seems to be fine now, but his heart has lost 70% of functioning and it will never come back. His doctors have assured him that if he starts using again it will kill him. This all happened in October and just this past weekend I found a hydrocodone on it him, drug tested him and he obviously came up dirty. He refuses to attend meetings because he thinks he isn't one of "those" people. I'm trying to stick around this time and help him through it, but I'm having trouble helping with something I don't understand. Is there something out there other than meetings that helps an addict?
Star,
Let's see....if there is something out there besides meetings I would think it would be in the form of a life/death experience that would jar his mind into thinking that his way isn't working any more. Lets see if something nearly took your life would you do it again? See that is what this desiese is like he can't stop..he needs help stopping. Have him post to this sight read and learn and hear some stories. This place is a good start. There is no one "right" way to get sober. Its just that if he gets some knowledge and support it would be alot easier. Keep postin.
Love,
Jane
Let's see....if there is something out there besides meetings I would think it would be in the form of a life/death experience that would jar his mind into thinking that his way isn't working any more. Lets see if something nearly took your life would you do it again? See that is what this desiese is like he can't stop..he needs help stopping. Have him post to this sight read and learn and hear some stories. This place is a good start. There is no one "right" way to get sober. Its just that if he gets some knowledge and support it would be alot easier. Keep postin.
Love,
Jane
Hi Star...
You might want to post over on the Family/Friends side of the board for some insight too...I know for me, being an addict in recovery but also loving an active addict, that it's difficult to know what I can do and what I have to give to God to do...There are some great people over there that I have learned so much from them and I will say a prayer for you and your loved one....
Take care,
Stacey
You might want to post over on the Family/Friends side of the board for some insight too...I know for me, being an addict in recovery but also loving an active addict, that it's difficult to know what I can do and what I have to give to God to do...There are some great people over there that I have learned so much from them and I will say a prayer for you and your loved one....
Take care,
Stacey
I looked over on the friends/families page and everyone there seems as clueless as me. I feel like I need the perspective of an addict, so that I don't do something that's gonna have a negative effect on him. I know I'm the only one that can help him when it comes to getting better. Every single member of his family is an addict. His parents(coke, heroin, meth & pills) his cousins ( crack & heroin) his aunts & uncles ( coke, pills) and even his grandparents were addicted to alcohol and pills. Nobody in his family has suffered any repercussions. He's the baby of the family, basically a newbie addict and he's struggling the worst with it. His family will get him drugs when he asks and when I talk to them about his problem, they tell him and I that its me thats making him sick. Yeah, you'd think od'ing and being in a coma would change someone, but apparently not. I don't want to give up on him again. I know I'm all he has and I need someone thats been in his position to tell me what NOT to do.
Star...
From the addicts point of view, you cannot get him better, you can only take care of yourself...Nobody could get me clean and sober, not my husband, not my children, not my family, not my friends, nobody...I had to reach my bottom and want help before I could get clean and sober...You might want to check out some face to face help, go to an Alanon meeting and just listen....
Take care,
Stacey
| QUOTE |
| I know I'm the only one that can help him when it comes to getting better. |
From the addicts point of view, you cannot get him better, you can only take care of yourself...Nobody could get me clean and sober, not my husband, not my children, not my family, not my friends, nobody...I had to reach my bottom and want help before I could get clean and sober...You might want to check out some face to face help, go to an Alanon meeting and just listen....
Take care,
Stacey
Please don't make the mistake of thinking your the only one that can help him. He is the only one that can help him. You can't do a damb thing. Honestly. That is the best advice I can give you. You are powerless over him. He is powerless over drugs and alcohol.
love,
Jane
love,
Jane
As much as we love our "addicts", we can't help them. They have to want help and then help themselves. We can love and support them, but at some point you have to take care of you. If going on life support wasn't his bottom, I hate to think what is, but that's up to him, not you.
Star,unfortunately,its true.Only he can chose to stop.Its so hard to stand by and watch him slowly kill himself. the only thing you can do is be there for him,tell him you care,and continue to ask him to get help.
sounds like hes been through alot,and has basically grown up/lived with drugs his whole life.How sad,his own family contribute to his using.You would have thought they would hate to see him in a hospital bed again or worse yet,the morgue?
Also,i know you care and want to help,but if he is blaming you for his problems(youre the reason why) it sounds like its going to be almost impossible to get him to see.You need to get help for you.You are not responsible for any of his actions,and you are just going to continue beating your head against a wall.Go to a meeting,seek some help.Maybe then you can tell him about the help youre recieveing and how much it makes you feel better?Good luck,youre really in a tough spot.~KIM
PS~Star,im sorry,i just went back and read your post again,it seems his family are the ones blaming you,not him.Well,thats a little better,at least he is listening to you,his family....abvioulsy they dont want anyone interupting the whole families drug use,it might make them all have to open up their eyes,and they sure dont want that.
Again,i suggest getting some support yourself,then relaying to him what its about,how much it helps,etc....(through meetings,counseling,whatever you can find)
sounds like hes been through alot,and has basically grown up/lived with drugs his whole life.How sad,his own family contribute to his using.You would have thought they would hate to see him in a hospital bed again or worse yet,the morgue?
Also,i know you care and want to help,but if he is blaming you for his problems(youre the reason why) it sounds like its going to be almost impossible to get him to see.You need to get help for you.You are not responsible for any of his actions,and you are just going to continue beating your head against a wall.Go to a meeting,seek some help.Maybe then you can tell him about the help youre recieveing and how much it makes you feel better?Good luck,youre really in a tough spot.~KIM
PS~Star,im sorry,i just went back and read your post again,it seems his family are the ones blaming you,not him.Well,thats a little better,at least he is listening to you,his family....abvioulsy they dont want anyone interupting the whole families drug use,it might make them all have to open up their eyes,and they sure dont want that.
Again,i suggest getting some support yourself,then relaying to him what its about,how much it helps,etc....(through meetings,counseling,whatever you can find)
How sad...this is heartbreaking. This is problem that only he can solve not you. What you do need to think about is you and your 4 year old.
I stuck around for 14 years with a man that is addicted to cocaine. If I had to do it over again knowing what I know now I am not sure that I would.
My husband has been clean for 6 years now. However I and my kids went through pure hell on earth. I wasn't sure what was happening then....but I did stick through it...lost so much both monetary wise and spiritually that I can't even begin to tell you the pain I that feel responsible for what my kids went through!
My husband is clean now and I am so proud of him, I believe that my own addiction taught me love him more and see that he is an addict and was sick. I am healing now...and so are my grown kids.
Knowing what I know now...I would perhaps get out. Not for me but for the kids..it causes such damage that manifests itself in different and disturbing ways when they grow. Give your child the gift of at least one clean and sober parent.
What will it do to your four year old when his/her Daddy is found dead! Just my opinion but you need to help you and pray that he one day gets it. He has to want it...not you!
Good luck.
I stuck around for 14 years with a man that is addicted to cocaine. If I had to do it over again knowing what I know now I am not sure that I would.
My husband has been clean for 6 years now. However I and my kids went through pure hell on earth. I wasn't sure what was happening then....but I did stick through it...lost so much both monetary wise and spiritually that I can't even begin to tell you the pain I that feel responsible for what my kids went through!
My husband is clean now and I am so proud of him, I believe that my own addiction taught me love him more and see that he is an addict and was sick. I am healing now...and so are my grown kids.
Knowing what I know now...I would perhaps get out. Not for me but for the kids..it causes such damage that manifests itself in different and disturbing ways when they grow. Give your child the gift of at least one clean and sober parent.
What will it do to your four year old when his/her Daddy is found dead! Just my opinion but you need to help you and pray that he one day gets it. He has to want it...not you!
Good luck.
well, we talked today when he came home from work and made a schedule to try and keep him busy. He says he feels the urge to do drugs when he gets bored, so now we have an activity planned for everday of the week including church 2 times a week. Hopefully this will help, but I'm not holding my breath. He also gave me his bank card, which I know doesn't mean he cant get pills but it's still a step for him. I know i should just leave him, but thats what I've always done so I'd like to see if it would do him any good to have someone support him that only has his interest at heart and not their own ( ie; his family) All I can do now is hope and pray that he helps himself. He agrees he has a problem, but I still think he doesn't realize how bad his problem truly is. I guess I'll just have to wait until he's ready to accept his issues. Also, I've found a therapist for myself that spealizes in drug abuse. I'm going to see him weekly, and he also has meeting for addicts and for families of addicts so I'm gonna check that out too. Thanks everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it
Star,
If he is handing over his bank card and try to occupy his body and mind to avoid drugs, isn't he indirectly admitting he has a problem? That may be worth asking him.
I agree with most of the above. Addicts don't stop until they want to. Nothing anyone could do to change that. If his use is out of control, do not feel like you must be there for him. You have to do whatever is right for you. When his abuse infringes upon your well-being, you have no obligation to stick around.
I believe that AA/NA makes some type of list of questions for a person to read and help them determine if they are an addict/alcoholic. I may be wrong, but I remember something along those lines. Maybe you could get that list of question and give to him? Maybe someone will provide you with more specific information. I know there are online addiction assessment tests. If he takes one honestly the fact is going to be that he is an addict. Non-addicts do not take pills every day for a year.
Good luck to you.
If he is handing over his bank card and try to occupy his body and mind to avoid drugs, isn't he indirectly admitting he has a problem? That may be worth asking him.
I agree with most of the above. Addicts don't stop until they want to. Nothing anyone could do to change that. If his use is out of control, do not feel like you must be there for him. You have to do whatever is right for you. When his abuse infringes upon your well-being, you have no obligation to stick around.
I believe that AA/NA makes some type of list of questions for a person to read and help them determine if they are an addict/alcoholic. I may be wrong, but I remember something along those lines. Maybe you could get that list of question and give to him? Maybe someone will provide you with more specific information. I know there are online addiction assessment tests. If he takes one honestly the fact is going to be that he is an addict. Non-addicts do not take pills every day for a year.
Good luck to you.
Good morning,
I don't know anything about dealing with an addict (other than myself). I'm sure all the advice you've gotten on this thread is good.
If your BF would be willing, have him go to the link at the top of this page, "Treatment Options." There is a menu that includes the item "Evaluate Yourself."
Here's the direct link:
http://addictionrecoveryguide.com/t...evaluation.html
I believe it includes two questionnaires that will yield an "addictiveness score." Mind you, I haven't looked at them myself, nor taken them -- I realized I was an addict the moment I read three posts on this board. Is your BF reading here yet? Would he be willing to post himself?
Best of luck to you.
Gina
I don't know anything about dealing with an addict (other than myself). I'm sure all the advice you've gotten on this thread is good.
If your BF would be willing, have him go to the link at the top of this page, "Treatment Options." There is a menu that includes the item "Evaluate Yourself."
Here's the direct link:
http://addictionrecoveryguide.com/t...evaluation.html
I believe it includes two questionnaires that will yield an "addictiveness score." Mind you, I haven't looked at them myself, nor taken them -- I realized I was an addict the moment I read three posts on this board. Is your BF reading here yet? Would he be willing to post himself?
Best of luck to you.
Gina
Hey:
I think its admirable for you to give him such support. I think it's great that you've found a counsoler to help you, that you've come to this forum. He's very lucky to have someone like you, you're educating yourself, you're reaching out, you're doing about everything you can do. Too bad you can't get clean for him, he has to do that himself, and he has to want to do it. You being on his team will help him a lot. The fact that the whole family is addicted concerns me. Recovery tells you to avoid slippery slopes, and friends who aren't clean. Unfortunately, thats his entire family. It's hard to say - cut them out completely - but he does need to try and stay away at least at the begining. It sounds like they're major enablers, they may not want him to get clean cuz then they may have to look at theirselves. Also, you have a child to think of. Does the child spend any time with the rest of their family since they're all using? Has your BF checked to going to rehab? Has he gone to 12 step meetings? I'm sure its hard for you to understand him being in denial still after being in a coma and losing a lot of his hearts function. Being an addict I understand that completely. Denial tends to not be rational. Have you looked into going into a 12 meeting yourself? Theres Al-anon and Nar-anon. He should get a sponsor and find a 12 step home group. AA or NA. Good luck to you, and hang in there!
I think its admirable for you to give him such support. I think it's great that you've found a counsoler to help you, that you've come to this forum. He's very lucky to have someone like you, you're educating yourself, you're reaching out, you're doing about everything you can do. Too bad you can't get clean for him, he has to do that himself, and he has to want to do it. You being on his team will help him a lot. The fact that the whole family is addicted concerns me. Recovery tells you to avoid slippery slopes, and friends who aren't clean. Unfortunately, thats his entire family. It's hard to say - cut them out completely - but he does need to try and stay away at least at the begining. It sounds like they're major enablers, they may not want him to get clean cuz then they may have to look at theirselves. Also, you have a child to think of. Does the child spend any time with the rest of their family since they're all using? Has your BF checked to going to rehab? Has he gone to 12 step meetings? I'm sure its hard for you to understand him being in denial still after being in a coma and losing a lot of his hearts function. Being an addict I understand that completely. Denial tends to not be rational. Have you looked into going into a 12 meeting yourself? Theres Al-anon and Nar-anon. He should get a sponsor and find a 12 step home group. AA or NA. Good luck to you, and hang in there!
