I have been with my bf for 6 years, he has been a heroin addict for over 2 years. He recently got clean about 4 months ago. Everything started to get better. Since then he has completely given up on life. He is very depressed and I do feel for him but he won't do anything to make his life better. He still smokes pot, which I think is one of the causes of his lack of motivation. I can't take this anymore. We are struggling financially worse than when he was an addict. He is self employed but rarely goes to work anymore. He still lies and steals, but now it's about stupid petty little things (he steals my credit card and buys a candy bar, etc.) I have recently started a new job. Several of my friends at my old job knew about my situation but needless to say I don't really want to explain all this to my new coworkers. But it is so hard living this lie. I go to work and have to act like everything's ok and it's not. My family hates my bf so I can't really talk to them. I don't really see my old coworkers anymore. They were great about listening to me but I feel stupid calling them up complaining about my life all the time and we haven't really talked much recently. I am really considering leaving my bf. I've said it a million times but I always wuss out. It's so hard because he's not even doing heroin anymore. I feel like we went through so much with the h and now I'm going to give up once things are "better." I don't even feel like he loves me. He talks all the time about how I mean everything to him etc but he never does anything to make me feel that way. I can't even go out with my new coworkers tonight because I have no money. He is going to rehab Monday with a dual diagnosis unit. I think he is bipolar. One part of me thinks great I should at least give him one more chance if he's willing to try but another part of me wants to give up now. I am afraid that if I give him another chance and he gives up again my life will have gotten even more screwed up by then. I have nobody to talk to. I don't reallu have anywhere to go either. I can't stand being with him but at the same time I can't even imagine my life without him. He is getting better SLOWLY but I don't think I can live like this unless he gets better NOW. I am so self conscious and I feel worthless and dealing with all his s*** is killing me inside. Sorry for rambling but I don't really have anyone to help me right now and I'm desperate.
Onyx, in all liklihood you are addicted to an addict. It's not love you share, but the addiction. God did not create you to live the way you are living. There is a better way, for you.
Just because your addict has cleaned up doesn't mean that he is capable of loving you or returning your love. Love implies self-giving, selflessness and self-sacrifice. Totally giving of oneself to another and the capacity to do so. Can he do it ? Has he done it ?
Move out and move on. Just like you have said in other posts that you want to do.
Only you can decide and determine whether you, as a co-dependent, have hit YOUR rock bottom -- enough to change your thought processes and behaviors -- and commit, one day at a time, not to put up with what you have been putting up with.
God is calling you to a better life. He is offerring you the grace to change. Grab it and don't let go.
Just because your addict has cleaned up doesn't mean that he is capable of loving you or returning your love. Love implies self-giving, selflessness and self-sacrifice. Totally giving of oneself to another and the capacity to do so. Can he do it ? Has he done it ?
Move out and move on. Just like you have said in other posts that you want to do.
Only you can decide and determine whether you, as a co-dependent, have hit YOUR rock bottom -- enough to change your thought processes and behaviors -- and commit, one day at a time, not to put up with what you have been putting up with.
God is calling you to a better life. He is offerring you the grace to change. Grab it and don't let go.
I AGREE WITH BOB B.
YES, YOU HAVE PUT IN 6 YEARS BUT BY NOW THE CREASES OF THE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE IRONED OUT.SURE EVERYONE HAS THERE UPS AND DOWNS BUT TRUST IS A HUGE ISSUE.RIGHT NOW IT'S STEALING FOR A CHOC BAR. BUT THE CREDIT CARD WILL CERTAINLY BE USED FOR MORE.I HOPE YOU FIND THE STRENGH TO LEAVE AND WON'T LOOK BACK IN ANOTHER 6 YEARS AND THINK I SHOULD REALLY LEAVE THIS GUY! IT'S HARD IN THE BEGINNING LONELY ETC...BUT AREN'T YOU STRUGGLING AND FINDING IT HARD NOW.
YES, YOU HAVE PUT IN 6 YEARS BUT BY NOW THE CREASES OF THE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE IRONED OUT.SURE EVERYONE HAS THERE UPS AND DOWNS BUT TRUST IS A HUGE ISSUE.RIGHT NOW IT'S STEALING FOR A CHOC BAR. BUT THE CREDIT CARD WILL CERTAINLY BE USED FOR MORE.I HOPE YOU FIND THE STRENGH TO LEAVE AND WON'T LOOK BACK IN ANOTHER 6 YEARS AND THINK I SHOULD REALLY LEAVE THIS GUY! IT'S HARD IN THE BEGINNING LONELY ETC...BUT AREN'T YOU STRUGGLING AND FINDING IT HARD NOW.
Dear Onyx,
I am so sorry that your boyfriend isn't what you wish he would be or what you deserve. Sometimes we have to let them (out of love) hit bottom for THEY want to change. Staying with him isn't allowing him to hit bottom and it's not doing you any good either. Have you gone to any Alanon meetings? I would suggest that whether or stay with him or not. It would help you to understand and heal.
I will pray for you to have the strength to do what you know you need to do for your own wellbeing. Remember you can't love your boyfriend into getting well.
God bless you!
Love,
Susan
I am so sorry that your boyfriend isn't what you wish he would be or what you deserve. Sometimes we have to let them (out of love) hit bottom for THEY want to change. Staying with him isn't allowing him to hit bottom and it's not doing you any good either. Have you gone to any Alanon meetings? I would suggest that whether or stay with him or not. It would help you to understand and heal.
I will pray for you to have the strength to do what you know you need to do for your own wellbeing. Remember you can't love your boyfriend into getting well.
God bless you!
Love,
Susan
Hi onyx, i've read through some of your posts and its so weird cos it sounds like me who's written them! I've been with my partner for almost three years and this is his 4th relapse with heroin. A while ago he was clean for about 6 months which has been the longest time clean for him. He wasn't using when we first got together but i knew about his drug abuse - ha ah its funny now to think back but i honestly thought i could 'save him' !!!! Anyway, to cut a long story a bit shorter he was the most sweetest guy, really kind and anyone could see he had a really good heart! Then came his first relapse with me - i was completely gutted! I had never seen anyone going through that in front of my eyes, wasting away to a skeleton, let alone someone i loved. He's been clean a few times since then for different periods of time. But i have to say he's really changed, its like he's so angry with everyone most of the time. Its been a gradual thing over the last two years but it is progressing, its getting worse. It does feel that he doesn't even like me let alone love me at times but yet any time i've tried to break it off he's crying saying how much he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. Is this who he really is as a person and i just didn't realise?!? He can be so nasty and horrible - sometimes he's like a kid throwing a temper tantrum except he's a big 26 year old - a little scary sometimes!!! Its horrible to say but i am frightened of him now, its like he's so unpredictable and when he loses his temper he just snaps and does something stupid like smash things up etc. But what's scary is that he has no control over what he does. He hasn't really hit me (only twice he pushed me) but is this where it'll end up if i just let it slide????? I'd appreciate any advice or even to chat cos i do feel really alone too, i dont really see any of my friends much either and when i do i'm quite distant with them cos i dont want to say well he's messed up again, and also my family aint so hot on him either so my only outlet is on-line!!!! Thank God for PC's
Jo
X
Jo
X
Yeah, that does sound very similar to my situation. It seems like I hear the same story over and over again. Email me if you want to talk. onyxdog26@hotmail.com
I also feel addicted to a cross addicted alcholic, have been with my husband a total of 18 yrs, married 15 of them. Stayed with him when I should have left for good. Now everything I have worked for in the last 29 years will be gone, because my life partner said he loved me, but his love of himself was more important. He has many addictions that he will not admit to or really dosen't see in himself. He is a compulsive liar, loves porn, cheats on me, ignores his son, uses people, and loves to be with people of money. I was told by WRC that the things I have put up with in the name of love are considered domestic violence (verbal, mental, &emotional abuse) I have been called everything under the sun, and also accused of things too embarrasing to mention, all the while it was him doing it. He used his AA meetings and friends as covers for his behavior. His most recent affair is with awoman in AA. I guess I had a need to take care of him, but I also loved him with all my heart. But this old lady gave up when the love of my life told the womans father he didn't know me-wasn't married to me-was divorcing me, but needless to say I am the one left holding the bag, and paying for him to feel good about himself. Thanks for listening, I don't have the support system he has.
Hello OL,
your story sound oh so familar. I left my life and him last friday. Havent talked to him since and dont plan to. I'm lucky to have a supportive family because I left with 2 boxes and my dog. He begged me not to leave. I would NEVER even imagined life without him but I knew I was dying with him. I know that many people are in situations where they feel they cant leave...kids,money, job ect.
I guess I got selfish....I knew deep down inside it wasnt going to get better. I also knew there is no damn way he could love me if he cheated on me that many times. No way! I want someone that cherishes me....that wants to protect me not cause me harm. I'm not sure what your bottom will be. Hopfully you will save yourself and not him.
Post again if you need to talk.
San-
your story sound oh so familar. I left my life and him last friday. Havent talked to him since and dont plan to. I'm lucky to have a supportive family because I left with 2 boxes and my dog. He begged me not to leave. I would NEVER even imagined life without him but I knew I was dying with him. I know that many people are in situations where they feel they cant leave...kids,money, job ect.
I guess I got selfish....I knew deep down inside it wasnt going to get better. I also knew there is no damn way he could love me if he cheated on me that many times. No way! I want someone that cherishes me....that wants to protect me not cause me harm. I'm not sure what your bottom will be. Hopfully you will save yourself and not him.
Post again if you need to talk.
San-
Good for you hurting2getbetter for leaving him!! That takes a lot of strength! Has it been hard since you've left him? Its great that you decided you deserve better than the life you've had with him! I hope one day I hit my bottom and leave, you said it perfectly, I feel like I'm dying being with him.
Hi Kitty,
Thx for your response....OMG has it been hard. I think about him everyday, every hour....is he sad, is he drunk, is he thinking of me?? Hopfully with time it will become less and less. I'm about 50 miles away and he does not know where. I wrote his mom a letter today to tell her I left and to please try and help him if she can. I feel so guilty sometimes....other times i'm just mad that i've wasted so much time and that I let him do the things he's done. I realize he has to love him before he can love me....and just the opposite....i have to love myself before i can love anyone else. Does that make any kind of sense??
Now, I'm trying to get my head straight and decide what my future will be. Its actually kind of refreshing, the pressure is off.
Take care!
Sandy
Thx for your response....OMG has it been hard. I think about him everyday, every hour....is he sad, is he drunk, is he thinking of me?? Hopfully with time it will become less and less. I'm about 50 miles away and he does not know where. I wrote his mom a letter today to tell her I left and to please try and help him if she can. I feel so guilty sometimes....other times i'm just mad that i've wasted so much time and that I let him do the things he's done. I realize he has to love him before he can love me....and just the opposite....i have to love myself before i can love anyone else. Does that make any kind of sense??
Now, I'm trying to get my head straight and decide what my future will be. Its actually kind of refreshing, the pressure is off.
Take care!
Sandy
hurting2getbetter, I do understand! How can anyone love someone else if they don't love themselves first? I can imagine its hard for you. I've left my boyfriend a few times but just couldn't do it because I'd miss him, worry about him and feel guilty...although we shouldn't feel guilty because we have a right to a better life! If they can't give it to us, why waste our time? I KNOW I'm going to one day wonder why I stayed as long as I did and get mad at myself for it. I talked to my best friend tonight who had a boyfriend who was a coke addict and he relapsed a year later and they lost everything. She said it was sooo hard to break up, she wanted him back after awhile at any cost but he was too absorbed with his addiction that he didn't bother to call her and she was forced to get over him. She says looking back she's so glad he didn't let her go back to him, she said if she saw him now, she'd thank him.
I sometimes wish I can just move somewhere in a different city where he could never find me cause then it would be easier.
How long were you and him together for? What was his drug of choice if you don't mind me asking?
I sometimes wish I can just move somewhere in a different city where he could never find me cause then it would be easier.
How long were you and him together for? What was his drug of choice if you don't mind me asking?
Hi K-
His doc was alcohol...when we first met 6 years ago I thought its just booze, not a big deal. Boy was I wrong! I'm telling you it effected my job, my finances, my friends, my family....everything! I was addicted to him, just like he was addicted to the alcohol. I hit my bottom and he'll have to hit his before anything changes. Please save your life, your future. Whats your b/f doc? how long have you been with him??
Sandy
His doc was alcohol...when we first met 6 years ago I thought its just booze, not a big deal. Boy was I wrong! I'm telling you it effected my job, my finances, my friends, my family....everything! I was addicted to him, just like he was addicted to the alcohol. I hit my bottom and he'll have to hit his before anything changes. Please save your life, your future. Whats your b/f doc? how long have you been with him??
Sandy
hurting2getbetter,
Alcohol can be just as bad as any other drug. I've seen it with my sister who is married to an alcoholic. It's horrible..! I don't see any difference with his drinking and my b/fs drug problem. His doc is crack. We've been together for 2.5 years now, and of course nothings changed. When we first met, he drank every single day as well but drinking always got him into trouble with the law as he got violent. But he hasn't drank booze in a while, almost a year now, just does his drug. He's done really good in the past two weeks with his using but really, how long can that last? He's not seeking any help, just the usual I can do it on my own! I don't think so.
I know I'll hit my bottom with him as well. I think last night he was going to use because he got paid, and I can ALWAYS tell by his voice. So I mentioned my friend wants to go out clubbing and is bringing some male friends. I said, well if you decide to do crack, I'm going out. He was quiet and he never touched the stuff last night..he kept in touch with me all night and I could tell by his voice he stayed clean. But how long will that last? Only time will tell.
How are you doing? Do you still miss him? Have you heard from him?
Alcohol can be just as bad as any other drug. I've seen it with my sister who is married to an alcoholic. It's horrible..! I don't see any difference with his drinking and my b/fs drug problem. His doc is crack. We've been together for 2.5 years now, and of course nothings changed. When we first met, he drank every single day as well but drinking always got him into trouble with the law as he got violent. But he hasn't drank booze in a while, almost a year now, just does his drug. He's done really good in the past two weeks with his using but really, how long can that last? He's not seeking any help, just the usual I can do it on my own! I don't think so.
I know I'll hit my bottom with him as well. I think last night he was going to use because he got paid, and I can ALWAYS tell by his voice. So I mentioned my friend wants to go out clubbing and is bringing some male friends. I said, well if you decide to do crack, I'm going out. He was quiet and he never touched the stuff last night..he kept in touch with me all night and I could tell by his voice he stayed clean. But how long will that last? Only time will tell.
How are you doing? Do you still miss him? Have you heard from him?
Hi K-
I hope for your things change for the good. I'm sorry but I dont have faith in that. I've gone through many weeks of good and many months of bad. The rollercoaster is unbearable. I guess everyone has a different cut off point, hell I waited 6 years! No, he wont call...he doesnt know where I'm. He tried calling my mom back east but she will not speak to him. She knows how debilitating he's been to me. There is and will not be any contact. Its hard, I miss my life but then again I'm looking forward to my new life.
Hang in there!
San
I hope for your things change for the good. I'm sorry but I dont have faith in that. I've gone through many weeks of good and many months of bad. The rollercoaster is unbearable. I guess everyone has a different cut off point, hell I waited 6 years! No, he wont call...he doesnt know where I'm. He tried calling my mom back east but she will not speak to him. She knows how debilitating he's been to me. There is and will not be any contact. Its hard, I miss my life but then again I'm looking forward to my new life.
Hang in there!
San
Thanks...and you're right he most likely won't change. The statistics are against them. My brother was an alcoholic, and he changed ONLY after he almost died one night from it. Of course he found out about pills and marijuana and is hooked on that. Wow you were with him for six years, thats a long time to put up with someone isn't it? We've been together 2.5 but it seems longer!
Its hard enough but eventually I'll hit my bottom with him too, I don't think too many of us are able to make a life time commitment to staying with an addict.
I'm glad you're staying strong and have decided not to contact him at all, its best that way, its hard but in the long run its for the best..!
Its hard enough but eventually I'll hit my bottom with him too, I don't think too many of us are able to make a life time commitment to staying with an addict.
I'm glad you're staying strong and have decided not to contact him at all, its best that way, its hard but in the long run its for the best..!
K-
Can I ask you why are you staying? From everything I read you say your unhappy and you know he wont change. Let me guess....cause you love him. Please concentrate on YOUR addiction and not his. It's a tough step, it's life changing but you will go on.
After 2+ years do you plan to marry?? Do you have children with him? Were to you want to be in 5 years?? I know its hard, over the years I've had friends tell me how stupid I was and some even said if I stayed they no longer could be my friend. I've lost lots of good people in my life. Also, if I think back all the fun things I liked to do just fadded away...I love going out to dinner, vacations ect....
Think about it. I know from experience it has to be only when your ready. I just would hate for you to waste as much time as I did.
San
Can I ask you why are you staying? From everything I read you say your unhappy and you know he wont change. Let me guess....cause you love him. Please concentrate on YOUR addiction and not his. It's a tough step, it's life changing but you will go on.
After 2+ years do you plan to marry?? Do you have children with him? Were to you want to be in 5 years?? I know its hard, over the years I've had friends tell me how stupid I was and some even said if I stayed they no longer could be my friend. I've lost lots of good people in my life. Also, if I think back all the fun things I liked to do just fadded away...I love going out to dinner, vacations ect....
Think about it. I know from experience it has to be only when your ready. I just would hate for you to waste as much time as I did.
San
Hurting,
You said it, because I love him. Pretty stupid. I don't ever plan to marry him, not while he's an addict thats for sure. We don't have children and I'm glad for that! I see how my sisters kids are affected by their alcoholic dad. My sister is miserable, she's been with him since they were 16. They are 33 now.
My neice hates him and my nephew is unhappy whenever he drinks as well.
I'm 34 and he's 25 but I don't want kids anyways so thats not a concern for me at all. As for where do I want to be in 5 years? Well I know I don't want to be with an addict thats forsure! I don't want to be doing this much longer. I mean yes I do enjoy the time we have together, he really only uses once a month or twice so in between things can be pretty good but its not enough. He has been known to do it almost everyday for a while too. My friends think I'm crazy too, although its funny because my sister like I said thinks I'm nuts for staying but she's in the same situation and my best friend thinks I'm crazy but she's married to an abusive man and now he sons (who are 5 & 8) are abusive to her. Easier said than done I guess! I know all of us on this board who are with addicts will eventually hit our bottom. I just really hate going through the grieving process I guess I'm just putting it off?
You said it, because I love him. Pretty stupid. I don't ever plan to marry him, not while he's an addict thats for sure. We don't have children and I'm glad for that! I see how my sisters kids are affected by their alcoholic dad. My sister is miserable, she's been with him since they were 16. They are 33 now.
My neice hates him and my nephew is unhappy whenever he drinks as well.
I'm 34 and he's 25 but I don't want kids anyways so thats not a concern for me at all. As for where do I want to be in 5 years? Well I know I don't want to be with an addict thats forsure! I don't want to be doing this much longer. I mean yes I do enjoy the time we have together, he really only uses once a month or twice so in between things can be pretty good but its not enough. He has been known to do it almost everyday for a while too. My friends think I'm crazy too, although its funny because my sister like I said thinks I'm nuts for staying but she's in the same situation and my best friend thinks I'm crazy but she's married to an abusive man and now he sons (who are 5 & 8) are abusive to her. Easier said than done I guess! I know all of us on this board who are with addicts will eventually hit our bottom. I just really hate going through the grieving process I guess I'm just putting it off?
Kittycat - you and you only will know when you have hit bottom. I hit mine and you will too. You say you don't want to be with an addict forever. Well, being an addict is a lifetime thing, as I have learned. It is not EVER going to go away. I have decided that I never want to ever again be with an addict or even a recovering addict because at any time - even years down the road - they can relapse. That is NOT something I want to live with. I am starting to grieve the loss of my bf. It is not even 5:00 here and I have been drinking. I don't want him, I know, but the good memories are coming back. I am trying real hard to think of the bad things, that is what keeps me on the long and narrow road to forgetting about him. You will be there one day, I know. A person can only take so much sorrow and disappointment. I hate to be like this. I feel like I am such a downer sometimes. I know there are good stories about people who actually get out of drug addiction. But, reality shows the opposite. My ex-bf keeps calling me from rehab. He uses a counselor's phone so he doesn't have to call collect. I don't want to be with him - I know this. It is so hard because I can remember the short times (up to 3 mos.) that he was sober and we were so happy. He is such a good guy. What a waste of humanity.
I completely identify with you onyx. I've been with "J" for four years. A while before I met him he have a problem with cocaine. He started using again in May of this year. I am a university student, and he too owns his own contracting business. We have a house together. We are soo completely in debt right now, I feel like I am suffocating. He has spent everything on drugs, pot and cigarettes! He has stolen from me, taken my bank card (and blamed it on someone else....could have only been him at 3 am !!). For a while I wasn't sure what was going on: he was moody and lost a lot of weight and wouldn't eat what I had made for dinner, and we had absolutely no "relations" in the bedroom. He was staying up all night, and not going to work. He finally confessed to me right before Xmas. ( I knew what was going on, but I had no way to prove it). I staged a family intervention, and we were trying to help him and support him, but he pushes everyone away. He was supposed to go into Rehab and I had dropped him off there (21 day program) He then came home a couple hours after being there and said that there was feces and urine all over the beds and that it was just discusting. Again, who knows?? I'm just so sick of the lies, the debt...I feel so helpless! He is going to CA meetings at night, he says that they do help. Don't know how to feel, the 12 Step programs say that you have to quit all mind altering drugs in order to stay sober.. but he is not willing to do that. His family is pressuring me to say with him and support him... I don't know if I want to. Were engaged, but I feel so distant from him.. I see all of my friends getting married to someone that treats them well, no lying, stealing, someone that really cares. I just think to myself "what the hell are you doing??
I'm 26 and he is 29. I don't know what to do... I'm so confused. But I am glad I found this forum because my parents don't know, and I've only told one friend... I really don't have anyone to talk to about this HUGE issue.
Thanks
I'm 26 and he is 29. I don't know what to do... I'm so confused. But I am glad I found this forum because my parents don't know, and I've only told one friend... I really don't have anyone to talk to about this HUGE issue.
Thanks
Dear Antelope, What ever you do do not get married! Your fiance may well be worth the effort of helping though please wait as a relationship made to last will last, marriage or not! I joined this site last May, as my late bf was a Heroin addict. Our 6 years together I witnessed 2 years of sobriety then many others with relapse, clean, relapse, etc... The last 8 months before his death were the worst. Although he had never stolen from me before that spring he did. I was saving up for a car, and the money went missing. I was probably stupid for keeping it in what I thought was a good hidding spot at the time, and since he had never stolen from me I never thought he would.... Once the money went missing, geusse what he even helped me look for it? How sick is that, that's how deep he was into his addiction. We split briefly after that. His family also wanted me to stay with him..... My Mom always knew of his struggles, and though loves me her daughter, accepted him for who he was and tried to encourage him to get help as well.... Out of curiosity why haven't you told your family? I feel your pain, Dora