Hi, I'm new to this but I really have no where else to turn. I'm 29 and I've been married to my husband almost 9 years. We have been together 12. He is 12 years older than me so I thought he was so much more mature than me. He was really sweet and nice the first 4 years. He told me he smoked weed and I dealt with that. 8 years ago things started changing. We had lost 2 childeren within days of their births and I thought his attitude change was because of that. While I was pregnant with my 3 child I found out that my husband was smoking crack. I thought it was something that I could help him stop. Little did I know. We know have 3 children and his attitude is scary at times. I have tried everything to get him to stop from bargaining with him to having him arrested. He has taken my children with him a few times to buy. once he was involved in a raid and had two of my kids with him. He blames me for him doing crack.(I used to think that it was me that was causing him to do drugs..I was making excuses for him to people, replacing things that he stole or sold from our house, lying to people to cover what he did. I stopped associating with people that knew us and had become suspicious of what he was doing.) He has gotten so out of control that at times my children are scared of him. He tells us that he knows he has a problem and he's going to get help but as soon as i bring up the subject or rehab or NA he gets furious or finds some excuse as to why he can't go. I have volunteered to go to meetings with him. He gets mad at me about "harping" on him about some program. He tells me that he can stop whenever he wants..right before he sells something else to get his crack...the last thing he sold broke my heart..I actually got so furious with him that when he hit me I stabbed him in the arm. He sold my brother"s (who was murdered on Christmas Eve of last year) X-box to someone for $20.00 and that was given to my sister for her kids. Then just kind of shrugs it off and gives me his "I just did it" excuse.But at times he's the best husband and father and then the next thing I know he's hitting the pipe and changing again . Could i hear from anyone else who is going thru this? How are you couping?
Sorry about what you are going through, but I understand. We aren't married and we don't have kids, but my boyfriend gets weird too on drugs. He's physically abused me and I've tried to get him to quit as well, but bargaining with him, giving him ultimatums and by phoning the police on him. Nothing has worked. Just last night after he was saying he can quit on his own and he doesn't want to do crack anymore, he went and did it anyways, I was so mad!
It truly is heartbreaking, and he would get mad too when I would mention rehab programs but he said he could quit on his own. Well, most addicts can't quit on their own! And no matter what you do, he won't quit. He has to want to quit, he can't do it for you or anyone else.
How do I cope with it? It's hard, it really is. He hasn't pawned anything of mine but he has borrowed money from me that I never saw again. I don't lend him money anymore. This is a situation that you should not have to learn to cope with, if your husband doesn't want to get help you need to get out of this marriage. It's abusive and it is also involving your children. They shouldn't grow up in an environment like this. It's been known that children raised in a household where one parent is an addict, will grow up to be one as well, especially if the child is a male.
And no matter what your husband says, its not your fault that he does crack. My boyfriend tried that one with me too. They all do. They don't want to take reponsibility for themselves, so they blame someone else. It's absolutely not your fault, in no way do you make him smoke crack at all.
Living with this has been a living hell for me, and he's going to a one year rehab program next month (its either that or jail). If he wasn't going, I'd break up with him forsure. I can't live like this anymore. I get suspicious if he is in the bathroom with the door closed I can't live like that!
Today for the first time, I actually had a realization, like it really really hit me, that I love a crackhead! I'm with a crackhead and he's a fullblown addict!
I was like, what am I doing with this guy? So thats why I have made the decision to leave him if he doesn't go to rehab.
But please consider leaving him, he's not willing to change or stop and its going to effect your children.
Good luck whatever you decide and keep posting.
Julie
It truly is heartbreaking, and he would get mad too when I would mention rehab programs but he said he could quit on his own. Well, most addicts can't quit on their own! And no matter what you do, he won't quit. He has to want to quit, he can't do it for you or anyone else.
How do I cope with it? It's hard, it really is. He hasn't pawned anything of mine but he has borrowed money from me that I never saw again. I don't lend him money anymore. This is a situation that you should not have to learn to cope with, if your husband doesn't want to get help you need to get out of this marriage. It's abusive and it is also involving your children. They shouldn't grow up in an environment like this. It's been known that children raised in a household where one parent is an addict, will grow up to be one as well, especially if the child is a male.
And no matter what your husband says, its not your fault that he does crack. My boyfriend tried that one with me too. They all do. They don't want to take reponsibility for themselves, so they blame someone else. It's absolutely not your fault, in no way do you make him smoke crack at all.
Living with this has been a living hell for me, and he's going to a one year rehab program next month (its either that or jail). If he wasn't going, I'd break up with him forsure. I can't live like this anymore. I get suspicious if he is in the bathroom with the door closed I can't live like that!
Today for the first time, I actually had a realization, like it really really hit me, that I love a crackhead! I'm with a crackhead and he's a fullblown addict!
I was like, what am I doing with this guy? So thats why I have made the decision to leave him if he doesn't go to rehab.
But please consider leaving him, he's not willing to change or stop and its going to effect your children.
Good luck whatever you decide and keep posting.
Julie
I had actually left him. Then he got clean and I went back. For over a year he didn't do crack and then he started again! I ask myself why I stay and I really don't know why it's so hard to walk away from him then he'll be his old self for days and I think maybe there is hope and we can get through this. My biggest fear is that my boys (3 sons) will turn out to be like him. They already tell me when I come in from work (of course i'm the only one working) that "Daddy was smoking his pipe". My family surprisingly side with him. My mom will refuse to watch my kids so that they don't have to be with him. I can't afford regular child care because I'm always struggling to just keep a roof over our heads. (What I know find funny is he always accuses me of cheating on him instead of being at work.) I have never talked to another man since i've been with him. My personality has grown stronger in the last few months though. I now know that he isn't going to change until he wants to..nothing that i do "makes him get high".and I was doing more harm than good by making excuses for his behaviour. Even though I know all this..leaving him isn't that easy.
first, let me just give you a hug ((((tired wife))))....
I hate to say this, but there are people that are called enablers. And you just happen to be one. Now I am only saying it because its the honest truth. You shouldn't allow this to go on, you are only hurting yourself and your children. I am not married to a crack addict, but my mom is. My parents will be together for 16 years, as of tomorrow, and three weeks ago she left him. Not a divorce, but a separation. He changed so much while being on it. I can vouch that my father is a wonderful man, but crack took every wonderful thing away from him. Right now he just went through detox and I thought I lost him for good, as if there were no coming back. But now, he is making the others (nurses, residents, everyone!) laugh. They all say how sweet and good he is. He, like other addicts have, took money he made and lied to my mom saying he lost it or someone stole it. He gambled, drank, smoke pot, and smoked crack. He stole all of my younger brothers money. He was physically abusive as well as verbally abusive. He stopped going to work all of the time, he did so much change that wasn't him and influenced my brother, 13 years old, in the worst of ways. My brother is going to therapy right now so they can try to undo all of the wrong. You can't try to change him, he has to want to change himself. And like many others here, they love their significant other, and I still love my father. You need to know what you want, and how you want to pursue it. Also, try reading about addiction, educate yourself of your loved ones habit. It's the best step towards bettering things is to understand it before you go any further. One site you can go to is: www.detox-narconon.org/crack-addiction.html . There are many threads of wives looking for the same answers as you, try reading a few of these:
thread title: began by:
Link for crack facts by Crack mom
How can I help the one I love by in love w/ addict
Husband needs help by Kim
A question for addicts by Kate
Scroll down to the bottom of the page, there is a search area, type in the thread title where it says search forum, then where is says "all forums" click on the arrow and select cocaine/crack cocaine...the click on search....
I truely hope this helps you....be strong and get the ball in your court, take control of the situation (no matter what you choose to do...stay/go).
Much hope and many hugs
LLG
I hate to say this, but there are people that are called enablers. And you just happen to be one. Now I am only saying it because its the honest truth. You shouldn't allow this to go on, you are only hurting yourself and your children. I am not married to a crack addict, but my mom is. My parents will be together for 16 years, as of tomorrow, and three weeks ago she left him. Not a divorce, but a separation. He changed so much while being on it. I can vouch that my father is a wonderful man, but crack took every wonderful thing away from him. Right now he just went through detox and I thought I lost him for good, as if there were no coming back. But now, he is making the others (nurses, residents, everyone!) laugh. They all say how sweet and good he is. He, like other addicts have, took money he made and lied to my mom saying he lost it or someone stole it. He gambled, drank, smoke pot, and smoked crack. He stole all of my younger brothers money. He was physically abusive as well as verbally abusive. He stopped going to work all of the time, he did so much change that wasn't him and influenced my brother, 13 years old, in the worst of ways. My brother is going to therapy right now so they can try to undo all of the wrong. You can't try to change him, he has to want to change himself. And like many others here, they love their significant other, and I still love my father. You need to know what you want, and how you want to pursue it. Also, try reading about addiction, educate yourself of your loved ones habit. It's the best step towards bettering things is to understand it before you go any further. One site you can go to is: www.detox-narconon.org/crack-addiction.html . There are many threads of wives looking for the same answers as you, try reading a few of these:
thread title: began by:
Link for crack facts by Crack mom
How can I help the one I love by in love w/ addict
Husband needs help by Kim
A question for addicts by Kate
Scroll down to the bottom of the page, there is a search area, type in the thread title where it says search forum, then where is says "all forums" click on the arrow and select cocaine/crack cocaine...the click on search....
I truely hope this helps you....be strong and get the ball in your court, take control of the situation (no matter what you choose to do...stay/go).
Much hope and many hugs
LLG
Thanks lostlilgirl,
I know that I enable him to do all the things he does...I re-read my first posting and I am still making excuses for him even though I thought I stopped doing that. (i.e. he's a good husband and father when he's not using). I'm going to visit the site you gave me to better understand.But I really do have to get MY act together and start putting my kids and myself before HIS addiction. Thanks so much Julie and LLG I know what I need to do..I think I just needed someone to tell me that I wasn't being a bad wife by giving up on him changing.
I know that I enable him to do all the things he does...I re-read my first posting and I am still making excuses for him even though I thought I stopped doing that. (i.e. he's a good husband and father when he's not using). I'm going to visit the site you gave me to better understand.But I really do have to get MY act together and start putting my kids and myself before HIS addiction. Thanks so much Julie and LLG I know what I need to do..I think I just needed someone to tell me that I wasn't being a bad wife by giving up on him changing.
Why do we stay??? I think we are so afraid of them dying....... Like we can save them or something......
Last Sunday night I had a terrible fight with my boyfriend...... And I haven't heard from him since....... He's gone on a binge....... He's never been gone this long ever without me hearing from him.......Is he dead, is he in jail??? These are thoughts I can't stop having...... Falling asleep when I can is even worse..... The nightmares...... They are brutal...... There isn't any escape from them..... I've stopped calling his house...... I am at a loss......
Today is my birthday..... What do I do at the end of the day if I haven't heard from him??? I just don't know...... We live 500 miles apart..... It's not like I can call around looking for him...... I have his sisters email address but should I write her to ask if she's heard from him??? Do I try calling his house tommorow 1 more time??? Does anyone care where he is???
This is a form of abuse...... It's a sad way for all of us to live..... And to Love..... Don't you think??? There has to be another way..... I just wish I had the answers...... Each time he did this, I swore I'd never go through it again..... And for some crazy reason, I chose to believe he wanted help.... This is a guy who was in 2 rehabs since November.... 1 out-patient and 1 in-patient..... Then went to meetings every single day pretty much..... In fact the week before this happened, he went to one everyday..... Including the day this happened..... But somehow the demon's came back and he listened to them..... Now his life is most likely in ruins...... And this is a man I am in Love with...It's really sad..... For everyone.....
Last Sunday night I had a terrible fight with my boyfriend...... And I haven't heard from him since....... He's gone on a binge....... He's never been gone this long ever without me hearing from him.......Is he dead, is he in jail??? These are thoughts I can't stop having...... Falling asleep when I can is even worse..... The nightmares...... They are brutal...... There isn't any escape from them..... I've stopped calling his house...... I am at a loss......
Today is my birthday..... What do I do at the end of the day if I haven't heard from him??? I just don't know...... We live 500 miles apart..... It's not like I can call around looking for him...... I have his sisters email address but should I write her to ask if she's heard from him??? Do I try calling his house tommorow 1 more time??? Does anyone care where he is???
This is a form of abuse...... It's a sad way for all of us to live..... And to Love..... Don't you think??? There has to be another way..... I just wish I had the answers...... Each time he did this, I swore I'd never go through it again..... And for some crazy reason, I chose to believe he wanted help.... This is a guy who was in 2 rehabs since November.... 1 out-patient and 1 in-patient..... Then went to meetings every single day pretty much..... In fact the week before this happened, he went to one everyday..... Including the day this happened..... But somehow the demon's came back and he listened to them..... Now his life is most likely in ruins...... And this is a man I am in Love with...It's really sad..... For everyone.....
I don't know why I stay!!!! I know the feeling..I'm sick to my stomach waiting for him to come in...I jump when the phone rings..I get nervous and scared when I hear the police sirens or heaven forbid the ambulance. I really don't know why? I think it is the mentality that we can change them if we stay. And I keep forgiving him!!! How stupid is that!!!!! I have a husband that I can't trust, lies to me, threatens me, (probably cheats...I don't put anything past him to get a hit), cusses me out, starting to hit me,and argues with me all the time.. and does crack ..and yet I stay..I don't know why I stay.
Dear Tired Wife,
Well you stay because you love him. Thats why i stay. You think you can fix him. I am a enabler as well my dear.I know just what your going through.I stay because he is just the best husband I could ask for when he is clean, You forget the sleepless nights, the not answering the phone when you call a million times, the money that is spent when you have bills due. You forget when they arent using.and they are themselves again.My husband was coming up on 10 months sober and relasped a month ago.I have to keep reminding myself because I forget I want to forget I want to pretend it never happened and I want to go back to the way things were, God wont let me though . I worry everyday it will happen again.I am trying to be up in front of him and I encourage him. He is doing good right now it is almost 30 days. But I feel like we are back to square one.He isnt a person that uses everyday he goes on binders and then wont use again for months at a time. His councler says this is the hardest addict to cure because he can go so long between using. I am just trying so hard to be hopeful that this is it and it wont ever happen agian. I pray everyday many times a day he will stay clean this time. Maybe with all your prayers it will happen.Thanks for listening.God bless all of you.Kim
Well you stay because you love him. Thats why i stay. You think you can fix him. I am a enabler as well my dear.I know just what your going through.I stay because he is just the best husband I could ask for when he is clean, You forget the sleepless nights, the not answering the phone when you call a million times, the money that is spent when you have bills due. You forget when they arent using.and they are themselves again.My husband was coming up on 10 months sober and relasped a month ago.I have to keep reminding myself because I forget I want to forget I want to pretend it never happened and I want to go back to the way things were, God wont let me though . I worry everyday it will happen again.I am trying to be up in front of him and I encourage him. He is doing good right now it is almost 30 days. But I feel like we are back to square one.He isnt a person that uses everyday he goes on binders and then wont use again for months at a time. His councler says this is the hardest addict to cure because he can go so long between using. I am just trying so hard to be hopeful that this is it and it wont ever happen agian. I pray everyday many times a day he will stay clean this time. Maybe with all your prayers it will happen.Thanks for listening.God bless all of you.Kim