My son had an agreed appointment with Drug and acholl at 9am this morning. I went to pick him up and the agreement was he would be outside waiting. You guessed it he was not there. I text him, I rang no answer. I knocked on the door which I was a bit scared of because of the people he is living with and no answer. All the curtains were pulled shut. I waited for 5 minutes in the car then I left.
I know better but I hoped that this time he would do as he promised. In my heart I knew he would not go or be waiting. But I hoped..this time. he is only young. I took time off work to do this for him
He text about mid day saying he had had a hard night and they were all asleep. I text back pointing out that I had taken time off work and he had not even chosen to get out of bed.
He text back saying what can he do to make it better? At this point I stopped texting as there is no point he is trying to engage on his terms and I am again being sucked in.
I am so disappointed! and it hurts all over again. If he turns up here tonight and he is stoned I will again tell him to go till he can come round straight and it continues.......
I was right he turned up here for diner stoned off his face. I told him he had to go and then started on what's the problem, you do not understand, why do you not love me, I did not do anything wrong it was someone else's fault. He would not even look at me when he said it. By the time he left I felt sooooooooooooo bad and have not stopped crying since.
I know it is not him talking to me. It is so hard doing this again.
He as yet will not do anything to help himself but deflect back on me and it hurts.
I know it is not him talking to me. It is so hard doing this again.
He as yet will not do anything to help himself but deflect back on me and it hurts.
I am new to this forum. I have a 26 year old son who is dual diagnosed . His drugs of choice are heroin and alcohol. I realize now that for a year and over $14,000 spent on drug dealers bail attorneys wrecked cars etc...I have enabled him. Seeing him homeless has broken my heart beyond repair. I don't think I will ever recover from the damage he has caused me.I love him so much. He's my son how could I not. It's so easy for people to say let him go let him fall let him learn. I'm trying. I cry at night I cry at work. I have a wonderful daughter who is very successful. But I was always so close to my son. I live a rather Lonely life and keep to myself. I am a recovering addict as well. I am so broken at this point in my life. I try Al Anon and I can't find the right meetings. My son is in detox now and promised to do a 28 day program. Now I hear he's signing himself out. He has no home phone cash car nothing. He will live on the street and most likely die. How does a father live with that? How do I sleep at night blinking back the tears? I'm so hurt and confused. Finding this forum has been a good thing for me. Could you guys help me? I love my son( or who he used to be). How in gods name do I let him go? I feel like a failure loving someone who had destroyed everything I have?
How in gods name do I let him go?
I wish there was an easy answer to that question. I think it's a matter of getting to a point where you realize that what you're doing isn't helping and is really just enabling them. At some point they have to take responsibility for their own actions.
It's not easy to let go and it's in our nature to want to help them because they're our children.
Like SoSad posted.. She tried to help him because she thought THIS time might be the one time that works. I've done the same thing. I believed my son when he said he wanted to get clean and invited him back home again, but all that did was give him food in his belly, a place to live and all the goodies he could steal. I believe him when he said he wanted to get clean at the moment he said it, but drugs are a powerful draw. I'm sure SoSad son's meant it when he said he'd go to rehab when he said it too.
You've just got to keep reminding yourself that if they can manage to get drugs, then they can get themselves to rehab too. If my son or SoSad's son really wanted to get clean, they could get themselves to rehab. It's not easy and it's heartbreaking for parents, but we can't fix them.
Jeep, You're not a failure. Don't take on guilt for your childs choices. You didn't cause this. You can't control it and you can't cure it. It's your childs addiction and hes got to be the one to choose to get clean.
You've got to put yourself first. You've got to focus on yourself and get out from under the depression and worry that your son's addiction is causing you. His addiction will slowly kill you if you let it. Do things that make you happy and bring you joy even if you have to force yourself to do it. Eventually you'll find that there is a life for you that doesn't revolve around your son's addiction.
I wish there was an easy answer to that question. I think it's a matter of getting to a point where you realize that what you're doing isn't helping and is really just enabling them. At some point they have to take responsibility for their own actions.
It's not easy to let go and it's in our nature to want to help them because they're our children.
Like SoSad posted.. She tried to help him because she thought THIS time might be the one time that works. I've done the same thing. I believed my son when he said he wanted to get clean and invited him back home again, but all that did was give him food in his belly, a place to live and all the goodies he could steal. I believe him when he said he wanted to get clean at the moment he said it, but drugs are a powerful draw. I'm sure SoSad son's meant it when he said he'd go to rehab when he said it too.
You've just got to keep reminding yourself that if they can manage to get drugs, then they can get themselves to rehab too. If my son or SoSad's son really wanted to get clean, they could get themselves to rehab. It's not easy and it's heartbreaking for parents, but we can't fix them.
Jeep, You're not a failure. Don't take on guilt for your childs choices. You didn't cause this. You can't control it and you can't cure it. It's your childs addiction and hes got to be the one to choose to get clean.
You've got to put yourself first. You've got to focus on yourself and get out from under the depression and worry that your son's addiction is causing you. His addiction will slowly kill you if you let it. Do things that make you happy and bring you joy even if you have to force yourself to do it. Eventually you'll find that there is a life for you that doesn't revolve around your son's addiction.
Sosad,
I've been through the exact same situation and when my son wasn't ready to leave when we had to leave, I also just drove off and went back home. This last time, my sister was his ride and he actually did go to detox but that's it. He was clean less than a week. I'm with themom on this one...if they can figure out how to get drugs, they can get themselves into rehab. There are people willing to help find placement. They can go to an NA or AA meeting and get help as well. Free to go and the people there are willing to help as well. I read on one of the posts awhile back that the addict has to chase recovery as hard as they chased the drugs in order for it to work. I haven't given up hope completely for my son but I know that it's 100% up to him and I'm not going to be stuck in that lifestyle and his drug drama. Stay strong.
Michelle
I've been through the exact same situation and when my son wasn't ready to leave when we had to leave, I also just drove off and went back home. This last time, my sister was his ride and he actually did go to detox but that's it. He was clean less than a week. I'm with themom on this one...if they can figure out how to get drugs, they can get themselves into rehab. There are people willing to help find placement. They can go to an NA or AA meeting and get help as well. Free to go and the people there are willing to help as well. I read on one of the posts awhile back that the addict has to chase recovery as hard as they chased the drugs in order for it to work. I haven't given up hope completely for my son but I know that it's 100% up to him and I'm not going to be stuck in that lifestyle and his drug drama. Stay strong.
Michelle
It's so hard to stay strong when all my strength has been sucked from me by my sons addiction. I think of him everyday and miss him. Last Friday night he called in distress "again". I found him drunk and high with a wrecked car and I lost it. I threw him to the ground took his keys and left . It was the hardest thing I've ever done . Harder than getting clean myself 28 years ago. Now I lay awake at night praying I don't get the call all of us dread. I'm happy I found this forum. I pray for the strength to stay strong and not reach out to him.
"I am a recovering addict as well. ------ I try Al Anon and I can't find the right meetings."
Are you attending NA meetings?
What does your sponsor and the oldtimers say about your situation?
All the meetings have the same 12 Steps ..... they all work.
Some work a little better than others but the worst ones beat going this alone.
You're going to have to do what you have to do .. not what you want to do.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
Are you attending NA meetings?
What does your sponsor and the oldtimers say about your situation?
All the meetings have the same 12 Steps ..... they all work.
Some work a little better than others but the worst ones beat going this alone.
You're going to have to do what you have to do .. not what you want to do.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
I believe at this point in time my son has no intention of stopping what he is doing. He wants me to accept his choices and allow this in my home. I can not and will not. The drugs have stollen my beloved youngest child. He was a beautiful boy full of hugs and love. Smart, intellegent caring and full of jokes and a love of life. Then the demon drugs came into his life and stole this wonderful person away.
I am bitter, angry,sad and devastated. He has taken our family hostage and does not see or care about that. It is all about the drugs.
I know I have to be strong and put up clear barriers to survive. This is not fair, I am so envious of people with children that have not taken this path.
I try to redirect my anger by helping others and supporting the less well off. It is all I can do.
Pray for me.
I am bitter, angry,sad and devastated. He has taken our family hostage and does not see or care about that. It is all about the drugs.
I know I have to be strong and put up clear barriers to survive. This is not fair, I am so envious of people with children that have not taken this path.
I try to redirect my anger by helping others and supporting the less well off. It is all I can do.
Pray for me.
I have tried various Al Anon meetings and do not find them helpful. Since getting clean so many years ago I have left the 12 step community. I found peace in my sobriety. Raising 2 beautiful children. Then divorce and now my beloved little boy has become a monster. I guess I'll try a few meetings. Can't say what the old timers think. Don't care much for the AA old timers. I know the program works because it saved my life. But truth be told, I feel AA needs to be modernized. It's too antiquated. I think that's why it's not sticking to the brains of this new heroin generation in recovery. They don't get it. I know that being alone in this will kill me as well. I'm glad for this forum. I felt so sad do alone so ashamed of giving in to his demands because love has blinded me. Thank you all for your support . I like not feeling alone .
I am going to reply as honestly as i can to your post so all can be aware of what's happening.
I certainly mean no disrespect. I hope you find relief from your pain.
"I have tried various Al Anon meetings and do not find them helpful."
Do you perceive a lack of improvement a fault of theirs or yours?
"Since getting clean so many years ago I have left the 12 step community. I found peace in my sobriety. Raising 2 beautiful children."
The Big Book pg 85 states so simply and straightforward " We are not cured of alcoholism (addiction). What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." Finding Peace is one thing, keeping it is the trick.
Maintenance to me means working Steps 10, 11 and 12 and passing the program on to newcomers
Then divorce and now my beloved little boy has become a monster. I guess I'll try a few meetings. Can't say what the old timers think. Don't care much for the AA old timers. I know the program works because it saved my life. But truth be told, I feel AA needs to be modernized. It's too antiquated. I think that's why it's not sticking to the brains of this new heroin generation in recovery. They don't get it.
I hated the oldtimers in the beginning because they kept shining the light of truth on my "ISMs"
I wasn't drinking/using but I hadn't changed much else. Let's just say I certainly wasn't sane much less spiritual, honest,open or willing,
The oldtimers got it, it just took me 20 yrs to see it.
"I know that being alone in this will kill me as well. I'm glad for this forum. I felt so sad do alone so ashamed of giving in to his demands because love has blinded me. Thank you all for your support . I like not feeling alone ."
I know there are great Al-Anon & Nar-Anon oldtimers out there who can help you from the darkness into the light in your situation. Show you how The Serenity Prayer applies to all issues/angles that arise. I also know there are plenty of good oldtimer AAs & NAs who would help you work through this too.
I saw a website a while back that made me laugh out loud. It was so true. It was like:
Going to AA sucks bad - not going to AA sucks worse dot com
God will be there for the heroin generation when they reach out the same as He is for you and I.
I am your son. I am you . I have unlimited addictions of thought, perception and action.
The 12 Steps help me become aware of my ISMs and to address them.
I wish you and your family the best.
IMHO with direction (12 Steps) and commitment that can be attained. Prayers
Bob
I certainly mean no disrespect. I hope you find relief from your pain.
"I have tried various Al Anon meetings and do not find them helpful."
Do you perceive a lack of improvement a fault of theirs or yours?
"Since getting clean so many years ago I have left the 12 step community. I found peace in my sobriety. Raising 2 beautiful children."
The Big Book pg 85 states so simply and straightforward " We are not cured of alcoholism (addiction). What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." Finding Peace is one thing, keeping it is the trick.
Maintenance to me means working Steps 10, 11 and 12 and passing the program on to newcomers
Then divorce and now my beloved little boy has become a monster. I guess I'll try a few meetings. Can't say what the old timers think. Don't care much for the AA old timers. I know the program works because it saved my life. But truth be told, I feel AA needs to be modernized. It's too antiquated. I think that's why it's not sticking to the brains of this new heroin generation in recovery. They don't get it.
I hated the oldtimers in the beginning because they kept shining the light of truth on my "ISMs"
I wasn't drinking/using but I hadn't changed much else. Let's just say I certainly wasn't sane much less spiritual, honest,open or willing,
The oldtimers got it, it just took me 20 yrs to see it.
"I know that being alone in this will kill me as well. I'm glad for this forum. I felt so sad do alone so ashamed of giving in to his demands because love has blinded me. Thank you all for your support . I like not feeling alone ."
I know there are great Al-Anon & Nar-Anon oldtimers out there who can help you from the darkness into the light in your situation. Show you how The Serenity Prayer applies to all issues/angles that arise. I also know there are plenty of good oldtimer AAs & NAs who would help you work through this too.
I saw a website a while back that made me laugh out loud. It was so true. It was like:
Going to AA sucks bad - not going to AA sucks worse dot com
God will be there for the heroin generation when they reach out the same as He is for you and I.
I am your son. I am you . I have unlimited addictions of thought, perception and action.
The 12 Steps help me become aware of my ISMs and to address them.
I wish you and your family the best.
IMHO with direction (12 Steps) and commitment that can be attained. Prayers
Bob
He turned up again last night while we were out heading out to the movies. Rang me from our home on my cell and was furious that we were not at home. He said he was straight but his attitude was almost scarey. He again mentioned I loved his brother more than him. I again pointed out he needs to organise when he is coming round and be straight this made him very angry and he hung up on me.
I tried to enjoy my evening out but he successfully but a cloud over our evening. When we got home he was gone. Thankfully he took nothing this time.
I am so tired of this, I love my son so much but this is no longer my son that I loved and raised.
I tried to enjoy my evening out but he successfully but a cloud over our evening. When we got home he was gone. Thankfully he took nothing this time.
I am so tired of this, I love my son so much but this is no longer my son that I loved and raised.
He again mentioned I loved his brother more than him.
Have you shown his brother extra attention or spoiled him or treated him better?
If not, he's just trying to guilt you into believing that you're the reason he does drugs. My son did the same thing and it worked until I got wise to it. It's easier to manipulate you if you're coming from a position of guilt, and it's also easier on him because he feels he has an excuse to get high.
Have you thought about changing your locks so he can't get in? You don't have to live like that. You shouldn't have to worry about what's going to missing when you're out of the house, or what kind of mood he'll be in when you get home. He's not in charge. Don't let his moods rule the household. You've got yourself and other's to think about. You deserve to be happy.
Have you shown his brother extra attention or spoiled him or treated him better?
If not, he's just trying to guilt you into believing that you're the reason he does drugs. My son did the same thing and it worked until I got wise to it. It's easier to manipulate you if you're coming from a position of guilt, and it's also easier on him because he feels he has an excuse to get high.
Have you thought about changing your locks so he can't get in? You don't have to live like that. You shouldn't have to worry about what's going to missing when you're out of the house, or what kind of mood he'll be in when you get home. He's not in charge. Don't let his moods rule the household. You've got yourself and other's to think about. You deserve to be happy.
No I have loved them both the same. The issue is his brother went down the same path and out of fear I enabled him as I was convinced and with good cause that I would bury him. He was taking everything he could lay his hands on. We detoxed him off legals at home with bugger all outside help, dealt with fearing for our safety and prayed.When I look back I probably made it worse. He is now getting better. He is a shadow of his former self.
I need to get it right this time last time it nearly killed me. I also had to deal with having a large tumor removed when the eldest was at his worst. My marriage nearly collapsed . I was on the verge of a break down. I will not put my health risk again.
I love them both so much and the pain can at times be crippling.
I need to get it right this time last time it nearly killed me. I also had to deal with having a large tumor removed when the eldest was at his worst. My marriage nearly collapsed . I was on the verge of a break down. I will not put my health risk again.
I love them both so much and the pain can at times be crippling.
Jeep, I agree with you on this younger generation, heroin and AA. I think the whole rehab system has to be updated. It has not been proven to work. Heroin relapse rates are extremely high, in fact they say relapse is a part of recovery.
I find the maintenance meds suboxone and vivitrol shots along with counseling have higher recovery rates. They are not drama/relapse free. The addict can pretend to take their suboxone, sell it or use it to keep from withdrawing when they don't have heroin. I think they can even separate it somehow and get high off part of it. It's crazy. But I'm paying for the doctors visit copay and the suboxone copay, so I insist on administering it to my 22 year old son twice a day. Yeah, it's demeaning to him and yes, he still can remove it from his mouth if I don't sit there with him for a few minutes. Drug users are very resourceful.
We can't make them go to rehab or embrace recovery but a lot of addicts who are successful in recovery didn't take that first step themselves, someone who loved them or cared about them steered them in the right direction.
Jeep - I find that Naranon meetings helped me better than alanon. We had a few former addicts there who now have children/adult children struggling with addiction. The naranon meetings had more people there whose lives were affected by heroin, which helped me more and I felt they understood me more. I'm not a big fan of 12-step, I think that system needs an overhaul too, but the Naranon helped me in learning I was not alone. I am thinking about becoming a Smart Recovery meeting leader, they are an alternative to 12-steps, which I think is a little more modern. There isn't a Smart Recovery meeting within a 1/2 hour of me, so they are looking for meeting leaders.
I wish you both luck and wish your beloved addicts luck.
I find the maintenance meds suboxone and vivitrol shots along with counseling have higher recovery rates. They are not drama/relapse free. The addict can pretend to take their suboxone, sell it or use it to keep from withdrawing when they don't have heroin. I think they can even separate it somehow and get high off part of it. It's crazy. But I'm paying for the doctors visit copay and the suboxone copay, so I insist on administering it to my 22 year old son twice a day. Yeah, it's demeaning to him and yes, he still can remove it from his mouth if I don't sit there with him for a few minutes. Drug users are very resourceful.
We can't make them go to rehab or embrace recovery but a lot of addicts who are successful in recovery didn't take that first step themselves, someone who loved them or cared about them steered them in the right direction.
Jeep - I find that Naranon meetings helped me better than alanon. We had a few former addicts there who now have children/adult children struggling with addiction. The naranon meetings had more people there whose lives were affected by heroin, which helped me more and I felt they understood me more. I'm not a big fan of 12-step, I think that system needs an overhaul too, but the Naranon helped me in learning I was not alone. I am thinking about becoming a Smart Recovery meeting leader, they are an alternative to 12-steps, which I think is a little more modern. There isn't a Smart Recovery meeting within a 1/2 hour of me, so they are looking for meeting leaders.
I wish you both luck and wish your beloved addicts luck.
