A few months ago I met someone on an online dating site. It started off in the usual way, messaging and texting, getting to know each other. But it was more than just usual, it was great, we connected instantly before meeting, which i know can get your hopes up, but when we went on our first date all of the feelings of "is this person going to like me in person" quickly dissapeared. It was the best first date i ever had. We hit it off as if we'd known each other for years. We talked alot on that first date. We sat in her car in a parking lot for hours listening to music and talking about our lives. The topic of drinking came up because that was something we had in common...that neither one of us drink...at all. She had asked me why I don't drink and i told her that it was just never something i felt i needed, it wasn't for me. I asked her why she didn't and she said that she's a recovering alcholic. She was very open about it and told me all about it and that she's been sober for 3 years and goes to meetings everyweek along with talking to a councelor. I could tell that it was very important to her. I was really impressed by this...she had gone through a horrible addiction and was doing all the right things to get her life back together. She did mention that 8 months ago she did go through a relapse. It lasted 2 weeks. I didn't ask her why but she told me that she felt like she needed the wake up call. So after the first date things started to progress pretty fast...but not fast in the sense that we were seeing each other everyday. She has a 5 year old daughter that she has full custody off with the exception of every other weekend. We lived an hour away from each other so seeing each other wasn't always possible. We had to settle on seeing each other every other weekend. The relationship ended after the 3rd weekend together but before that everything was perfect. We were infatuated with each other. We talked everyday and got closer and closer and when the 2 weeks were up and we got to see each other it was amazing. Our second weekend was actually valentines day and we made our relationship official. We were both all in, it was mutual and there were no signs of doubt. It was unbelievabe, too good to be true, i couldn't believe it. And she expressed the same feelings of "i've never met anyonen like you" and "i can't stop smiling when i'm with you",ect. Prior to the third weekend everything was going just fine, as good as ever. But when the 3rd weekend came, i noticed she was a little off. We had waited that whole 2 weeks and when she got to my place i was expecting the usual, to be all over each other. But that wasnt the case, she was just really tired, been up since 4am for work, and we just stayed up and watched a movie and eventually went to sleep. I didn't think too much of it at the time, i was just glad to be with her. The next day was back to normal, we went out hiking at the park, we went grocery shopping because we were planning on making dinner together, we made love for most of the rest of the day...it was perfect. Late that night we ended up having an arguement. I barely even remember what it was about. Something dealing with insecurities and her being jealous. It wasn't anything super serious but it turned into a big argument. Not an angry argument, but an emotional one. There was no yelling or throwing of things and saying horrible things to each other. We both ended up crying, saying we were sorry and hugged it out. We eventually went to sleep but neither one of us slept that well. THe next morning she was different...she just looked numb. She wasn't her normal funny, outgoing self. I asked her if she was ok and she just nodded and said "yeah". We went out for breakfast and barely spoke, picked at our food, only stayed about 30 minutes. I wanted to get her to talk, to open up, but i could tell that she was in no mood to talk. We ended up leaving and got back to my place. She immediately went for her bags and started packing everything up. She said she had to go. I tried to stop her but she just wasn't having it. She said "i'm too sober to deal with this, i need to go to a meeting or something" and she left. I messaged her 20 minutes later to text me when she got home...and she did an hour later saying "ok, i'm home but i don't want to talk" in which i responded "ok, i'll give you some space". But i didn't give her space. I ended up sending her a big long email trying to explain myself and what had happened, trying to resolve the issue somehow. She never responded. I couldn't stop getting the "too sober" comment out of my head. I kept thinking "could i have caused her to have another relapse?" It wasn't like her to not open up to me, i didn't know what to think. The next morning i messaged her again and asked if she was doing ok and if she had been able to talk to someone. She didn't reply back which made me even more worried and paranoid. I messaged her again saying "we don't have to talk, i just need to know you're ok". She replied right away and said "i'm fine, i still don't want to talk. That is all". This wasn't exactly reassuring, it only made me feel worse. I started researching relapse signs and some of the ones i read made sense as to why she was acting this way and it only made me more scared. I couldn't take it anymore and i flat out asker her if she had anything to drink or was thinking about. Telling her to "tell me what i should do...leave you alone? come out and see you? tell me what you need from me". Looking back i totally regret it but at the time i had no idea what to think, i had never seen this side before and i didn't know how she was handeling it, so i reacted. Her response was very upsetting. It basically said that she can take care of herself, she did what she needed to do to take care of herself and she's mentally and physically fine. That she has too much good in her life to drink again so if thats what i'm concerned about, rest assured i am sober. The tone was very standoffish...like she was irritated and annoyed at my concern. I didn't respond back because i didn't know how to come back from that. A few hours later i get a call from my mother asking why my relationship status on facebook changed. What??? I go to check it out, and sure enough, she blocked me from facebook. No explanation, nothing. Just ended the relationship without saying a word. I sent her a text expressing how upset and hurt i was, telling her that i hope you can explain yourself someday, but for now you totally crushed my heart. She never responded. Its been 3 weeks now and i haven't heard from her. I sent a couple emails but no response. I sent her a text asking how she was doing...no response. I started wondering if she blocked me from everything...email, texts, calls. I've been consumed with this for the past 3 weeks, replaying things in my head, trying to figure it out, where it went wrong. It wasn't until i researched Recovery and relationships and read a bunch of articles. After reading those everything made alot of sense...it answered most of my questions. Being with me, or maybe anyone, was too much for her...she wasn't ready for a relationship. Clearly that had to be the case if one argument and me showing concern for her lead her to litereally shut me out of her life. She's probably being told by everyone to just "ignore him, don't respond to anything, don't talk to him. Its too dangerous this early in your sobriety". I get that now...i understand. She wasn't being a selfish b****, she was dealing with a serious issue and letting me go was her only way to deal with it, to get better, to continue with her recovery. But after all of this, why not at least tell me why? Why not give me something? Give me some kind of closure or explanation? Why leave me in the dark if she cares about me...or claimed to care about me so much? I have no intention of contacting her again but it still haunts me everyday. Not knowing how she's doing or what she thinks of me now. If she misses me or resents me. Knowing that i may go my whole life never hearing from her again. Its devestating because she meant so much to me, i really care about her and i literally have no choice but to move on without much closure. So after all of this...any feedback would extremely appreciated!
Move on as best you can .. but move on.
Take a good look at why you would want to invest your life in such a flawed relationship.
You need help desperately, I hope you go get it.
All the best.
Bob R
Take a good look at why you would want to invest your life in such a flawed relationship.
You need help desperately, I hope you go get it.
All the best.
Bob R
I feel for you - I just posted my story tonight - I had a similar experience except that we already knew each other, and I didn't get the courtesy of the truth about what was really happening. I saw that I was getting nowhere and chose to walk away as everything was quietly crumbling underneath me. I still have to see him every day at work and it breaks my heart.
If you have the chance to go to an Al-Anon meeting I highly recommend it, even if your relationship with her never gets re-initiated. I have the awareness that on some level I am part of the problem, because I have a tendency to be very forgiving/accommodating of other people behaving badly, without sticking up for myself. I'm also a "fixer" and therefore probably drawn to those with issues or challenges. I would love to have a reciprocal partnership but I'm starting to see how hard it is when one or both in the relationship suffer from addiction.
I wish I could better console you other than to say you are not alone, and that I can relate to the anxiety, doubt and hurt that you are experiencing.
If you have the chance to go to an Al-Anon meeting I highly recommend it, even if your relationship with her never gets re-initiated. I have the awareness that on some level I am part of the problem, because I have a tendency to be very forgiving/accommodating of other people behaving badly, without sticking up for myself. I'm also a "fixer" and therefore probably drawn to those with issues or challenges. I would love to have a reciprocal partnership but I'm starting to see how hard it is when one or both in the relationship suffer from addiction.
I wish I could better console you other than to say you are not alone, and that I can relate to the anxiety, doubt and hurt that you are experiencing.
I have read yall's stories ( jfn2381 and jetthrofisher.) Ya'll are not alone. As a fixer, it's hard to not want to wrap them up with positive and sincere feelings. All this does is smoother them to the point of running. I am a recovering fixer myself. I had to come to a point in my own life to understand it's not my place to fix. It's all up to them. I can support with advice and positive thoughts only!
It's not safe for addicts to have romantic relationships for sometime. So say if they were dirty for 4 years total. Then need 2 years of being in the program 100%, before having a true health relationship. They need to WORK the program, and handle on their own. There is so much for them to relearn as sober individuals.
Many people who get into a relationship with addicts still in recovery end up with Codependency.
Here are some of the common characteristics of people who are Codependent:
Excessive Care-taking: Codependents feel responsible for others actions, feelings, choices and emotional well-being. They try to anticipate loved ones needs and often wonder why others do not do the same for them.
Low self-esteem: Codependents are people who need to be needed. They will only feel important and valuable when they are helping others, and blame themselves for anything that goes wrong.
Denial: Codependents typically ignore, minimize or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing that things will get better when. They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings.
Fear of anger: Codependents are afraid of both their own and their loved ones anger, because they fear it will destroy the relationship.
Health problems: The stress of Codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure.
Addictive behavior: Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration
I would recommend looking into meetings and literature to better understand an addicts recover.
God Bless.
It's not safe for addicts to have romantic relationships for sometime. So say if they were dirty for 4 years total. Then need 2 years of being in the program 100%, before having a true health relationship. They need to WORK the program, and handle on their own. There is so much for them to relearn as sober individuals.
Many people who get into a relationship with addicts still in recovery end up with Codependency.
Here are some of the common characteristics of people who are Codependent:
Excessive Care-taking: Codependents feel responsible for others actions, feelings, choices and emotional well-being. They try to anticipate loved ones needs and often wonder why others do not do the same for them.
Low self-esteem: Codependents are people who need to be needed. They will only feel important and valuable when they are helping others, and blame themselves for anything that goes wrong.
Denial: Codependents typically ignore, minimize or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing that things will get better when. They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings.
Fear of anger: Codependents are afraid of both their own and their loved ones anger, because they fear it will destroy the relationship.
Health problems: The stress of Codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure.
Addictive behavior: Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration
I would recommend looking into meetings and literature to better understand an addicts recover.
God Bless.
I agree with you when u say how come see couldn't at least tell u that it's over instead of leaving you to find out about all that all by yourself. That's kinda harsh. It's only common courtesy to not leave someone hanging. Unless she was afraid of you physically. But still, an email would of helped your situation. But just how easy it was for her to show you she had a change of heart by not caring. Show her the same too. I understand her sobriety is the most important thing then her love life. But she didn't have to call it off by seeing you in person. She could of did it in a text or like I said, in a more further away approach, an email. As to say, a text is more likely to be read at the moment it was sent . An email would prolong the time in which you will open it and read it. But I understand. I think, if you meant anything to her then after some time goes by shell be back. And if she doesn't ever come back, then take it like this,.... she did you a favor. U don't want a relationship with someone like that would could just pick up and go. I mean what if you two had kids and lived together. And had an argument right before you had to go to work. So when you came home at the end of the day, her bags, your kids bags had all been packed and the bags and them were gone along too.! So then u would really hurt inside. You don't need that s***. She did u a favor, if she doesn't come back again. Goodbye and good luck.