I'm done the outpatient program. I have a binder full of tools. I came home and baked a cake to celebrate. LOL The depression has lifted big time. I asked about diagnosis. Due to the Bipolar and suicide in the family, I was concerned for my future. Labels suck anyway. What i went through these last few months was merely a situational depression. So I am relieved to know that depression is a mood disorder and it can be cured !!!! :-) I indeed relapsed and I needed a tune up ! So now that I have a rebuilt engine, I 'm ready to roll. :-)
The addictions counsellor called last night. (timing was good).She said my husband had to come in on friday afternoon for assessment before we go in as a couple. So I talked to my husband about it and he said no. He said he's not quitting, and he's not going in there to waste their time.
I feel betrayed and disappointed. He had stated he was willing to go to counselling. That was a lie. I have not expressed my feelings, due to children in the house. I will email him at work and share my feelings. Holding them in makes me sick.
I picked up the phone and called her back, left a message that I would like to start counselling without him.
This has been the longest 4 and a half months of sobriety ever !!!!
So I remain independently mentally healthy, living with an active addict.
I am so sorry he chose not to go to counseling as you had wanted, I know how important to you this was.
I cant imagine the struggle you deal with living in an environment that is not conducive to your progress.
That is just sad, because you deserve so much more.
Being a using spouse with a non using spouse, I know there was absolutely nothing my husband could have done or said for me to stop. In fact any nudge usually only made my smoking worse. I think in fact my brain operated as a teen agers brain, very rebellious and defiant. Now at this point I do regret my behaviors, the fact that my husband had to find a way to meet his emotional and supportive needs on his own, as well as "take care" of most things. It is a shame that a completely functional, independent, intelligent woman, could allow herself to totally check out for a few years. (as far as somethings go). That is something I have to live with, I have made my mends and can only go forward.
I guess my point is, dont ever give up hope. But, just like us, it will have to be his decision and own time to come around to make that decision. Now that is not to dictate your behavior, and what you decide to do with your life. However, I think it is important to build some mechanisms to allow his behavior to bounce off of you, I never meant for my use to impact my husband or kids (I know it did), the that was never my intention, nor did it mean I loved my husband any less. I wasnt choosing pot over my family (in the rational sense of that statement). However, I am sure it seemed that way at times.
My husband chose to stick around, not unscathed. I dont know that I could of if the situation was opposite. You have to do what is right for you, and know use does not equal a lack of love.
That is just my opinion, and for what that is worth. You have come very far, and be proud.
Hang in there lady.
I cant imagine the struggle you deal with living in an environment that is not conducive to your progress.
That is just sad, because you deserve so much more.
Being a using spouse with a non using spouse, I know there was absolutely nothing my husband could have done or said for me to stop. In fact any nudge usually only made my smoking worse. I think in fact my brain operated as a teen agers brain, very rebellious and defiant. Now at this point I do regret my behaviors, the fact that my husband had to find a way to meet his emotional and supportive needs on his own, as well as "take care" of most things. It is a shame that a completely functional, independent, intelligent woman, could allow herself to totally check out for a few years. (as far as somethings go). That is something I have to live with, I have made my mends and can only go forward.
I guess my point is, dont ever give up hope. But, just like us, it will have to be his decision and own time to come around to make that decision. Now that is not to dictate your behavior, and what you decide to do with your life. However, I think it is important to build some mechanisms to allow his behavior to bounce off of you, I never meant for my use to impact my husband or kids (I know it did), the that was never my intention, nor did it mean I loved my husband any less. I wasnt choosing pot over my family (in the rational sense of that statement). However, I am sure it seemed that way at times.
My husband chose to stick around, not unscathed. I dont know that I could of if the situation was opposite. You have to do what is right for you, and know use does not equal a lack of love.
That is just my opinion, and for what that is worth. You have come very far, and be proud.
Hang in there lady.
Hi jamv, thanks for your response. Our agreement with the psychiatrist that day was in relation to us finding a way to communicate. it was about sitting with someone who understands addict/co-addict behaviour and how we can manage our daily lives together while he smokes and I go on with my recovery. It was never about him quitting. I know about codependance...I'm not standing over him with a frying pan threatening him to quit pot. LOL
The last time I chose recovery, his response was to go have an affair. He was not at all comfortable with a "healthy" me. Which makes sense. No man wants his woman to change. I don't want that bond to be broken again, we worked hard to repair the damage by going to marriage counselling. So, by coming up with a way to avoid HIS discomfort with my sobriety and MY getting hurt by possibly him finding another stoner chick, sitting with someone who understands these dynamics became an option for us. He basically agreed to something, claimed he understood, then he f***ed me over. Does that make sense ? It's like my best friend just turned their back on me.
I get that he's probably scared, feeling rebellious and defiant. I can only assume, because he has not expressed any feelings, nor does he acknowledge mine. THAT's my point. LOL
I'm trying to make things comfortable, not trying to make him quit.
I just got an email back, he said it's not that he doesn't want to go, he just wants to know more about what to expect there. :-)
Thank God for email and messageboards. LOL
The last time I chose recovery, his response was to go have an affair. He was not at all comfortable with a "healthy" me. Which makes sense. No man wants his woman to change. I don't want that bond to be broken again, we worked hard to repair the damage by going to marriage counselling. So, by coming up with a way to avoid HIS discomfort with my sobriety and MY getting hurt by possibly him finding another stoner chick, sitting with someone who understands these dynamics became an option for us. He basically agreed to something, claimed he understood, then he f***ed me over. Does that make sense ? It's like my best friend just turned their back on me.
I get that he's probably scared, feeling rebellious and defiant. I can only assume, because he has not expressed any feelings, nor does he acknowledge mine. THAT's my point. LOL
I'm trying to make things comfortable, not trying to make him quit.
I just got an email back, he said it's not that he doesn't want to go, he just wants to know more about what to expect there. :-)
Thank God for email and messageboards. LOL
Oh dear...My issues splattered all over the board, lol. In my attempts to make you feel better I made some inaccurate assumptions. So sorry!
I could see where you would be very afraid of history repeating itself, and the fact he is expressing no feelings or respecting yours. I hope things work out.
the therapy sounds like a great thing and it is unfair he went back on his promise, however, I think it is worth noting, he was also assuming that maybe he should quit(?!)
One of those little slips...
I agree email has also been helpful in my marital communication, isnt that funny. I guess girls used to write it on real paper, I doubt they got many responses like email. huh?
Take care, sorry to jump to conclusions, just hoped you werent missing that he loves you still. Glad he emailed back! good boy!
I could see where you would be very afraid of history repeating itself, and the fact he is expressing no feelings or respecting yours. I hope things work out.
the therapy sounds like a great thing and it is unfair he went back on his promise, however, I think it is worth noting, he was also assuming that maybe he should quit(?!)
One of those little slips...
I agree email has also been helpful in my marital communication, isnt that funny. I guess girls used to write it on real paper, I doubt they got many responses like email. huh?
Take care, sorry to jump to conclusions, just hoped you werent missing that he loves you still. Glad he emailed back! good boy!
Oh yes, that was a slip, wasn't it ? Hmmmmm. Interesting, to say the least. Love your insight. I owe ya one. :-)
Jamv, I'm glad you shared because it reminded me that I'm an addict too ! LOL
Your post was honest and supportive and I do love that about you. :-) So no worries, ok ?
I have gone back on my word too. I'm a former big fat liar as well. I continue to do the repair work with my family. Especially with my daughter. :-( I appreciate your words of encouragement and pats on the back. I need any and all feedback, so thank you.
I needed a place to vent, get my head together before I go sending emails. By doing just that, my husband responded positively.:-) I was considerate how I chose to word my email. I let him know how I felt and I let him know I love him. I have to do that, that's taking care of ME. :-) We're going on a date to the movies tonight. Going to see Walk the Line. :-) I'll probably cry, my friend said she did. So I'll bring kleenex. LOL
Jamv, I'm glad you shared because it reminded me that I'm an addict too ! LOL
Your post was honest and supportive and I do love that about you. :-) So no worries, ok ?
I have gone back on my word too. I'm a former big fat liar as well. I continue to do the repair work with my family. Especially with my daughter. :-( I appreciate your words of encouragement and pats on the back. I need any and all feedback, so thank you.
I needed a place to vent, get my head together before I go sending emails. By doing just that, my husband responded positively.:-) I was considerate how I chose to word my email. I let him know how I felt and I let him know I love him. I have to do that, that's taking care of ME. :-) We're going on a date to the movies tonight. Going to see Walk the Line. :-) I'll probably cry, my friend said she did. So I'll bring kleenex. LOL
Jamv, I'm glad you shared because it reminded me that I'm an addict too ! LOL
Your post was honest and supportive and I do love that about you. :-) So no worries, ok ?
I have gone back on my word too. I'm a big fat liar as well. I continue to do the repair work with my family. Especially with my daughter. :-( I appreciate your words of encouragement and pats on the back. I need any and all feedback, so thank you.
I needed a place to vent, get my head together before I go sending emails. By doing just that, my husband responded positively.:-) I was considerate how I chose to word my email. I let him know how I felt and I let him know I love him. I have to do that, that's taking care of ME. :-) We're going on a date to the movies tonight. Going to see Walk the Line. :-) I'll probably cry, my friend said she did. So I'll bring kleenex. LOL
Hope your healing is going well, Are you in any pain today ?
Your post was honest and supportive and I do love that about you. :-) So no worries, ok ?
I have gone back on my word too. I'm a big fat liar as well. I continue to do the repair work with my family. Especially with my daughter. :-( I appreciate your words of encouragement and pats on the back. I need any and all feedback, so thank you.
I needed a place to vent, get my head together before I go sending emails. By doing just that, my husband responded positively.:-) I was considerate how I chose to word my email. I let him know how I felt and I let him know I love him. I have to do that, that's taking care of ME. :-) We're going on a date to the movies tonight. Going to see Walk the Line. :-) I'll probably cry, my friend said she did. So I'll bring kleenex. LOL
Hope your healing is going well, Are you in any pain today ?
Was feeling much better, and got up with a head cold. Just feel weak and tired, but still better than last week and the week before. thanks for asking. going back to work on monday
That sucks ! Are you dreading the co-worker scene ?
I'm working in our office right now. :-) I don't have to deal with co-workers.
I kinda miss the 20 other patients I assocoated with for 4 weeks, though.
Funny how we didn't know a thing about eachother that was personal, or what brought us to the hospital, or what we did for a living, or where we lived or how much money we made, etc. but we connected anyway. It was kinda nice to just focus on our individual healing.
But, back to the real world. I'm left trying to sort out what and who to tell where I've been all month and so and so said I was in the hospital. (I told one friend, but she didn't blab to others why I was there).
I got asked last night where the hell I've been, I just said, "Taking care of me, I'm all better now." :-)
I'm thinking about your situation and hoping I can support you when/if you need it. :-)
I'm working in our office right now. :-) I don't have to deal with co-workers.
I kinda miss the 20 other patients I assocoated with for 4 weeks, though.
Funny how we didn't know a thing about eachother that was personal, or what brought us to the hospital, or what we did for a living, or where we lived or how much money we made, etc. but we connected anyway. It was kinda nice to just focus on our individual healing.
But, back to the real world. I'm left trying to sort out what and who to tell where I've been all month and so and so said I was in the hospital. (I told one friend, but she didn't blab to others why I was there).
I got asked last night where the hell I've been, I just said, "Taking care of me, I'm all better now." :-)
I'm thinking about your situation and hoping I can support you when/if you need it. :-)
oh the chaos has already started!
My new intern told me that one of my staff told the biggest gossip in the company, the one that I definately didnt want to know.
When I confronted her and called the gossip to give her my sob story about how personal this is to me, they both said she didnt tell.
Now the gossip knows because I had to tell her!
Not sure what my interns intentions are, he is still sticking to his story and saying the other 2 are liars. (I guess we are back on topic...liars).
But in a way I guess I took care of the gossip, by pleading to keep it quiet and if it gets out I will know she told.
Such frustration, people will be people, I hear if you dont tell, people assume you have cancer. If you do tell you are met with everyones opinions, mostly negative, plus constant eyes and comments about what you are eating and how you look.
Nothing I cant handle but would prefer not to have to.
My new intern told me that one of my staff told the biggest gossip in the company, the one that I definately didnt want to know.
When I confronted her and called the gossip to give her my sob story about how personal this is to me, they both said she didnt tell.
Now the gossip knows because I had to tell her!
Not sure what my interns intentions are, he is still sticking to his story and saying the other 2 are liars. (I guess we are back on topic...liars).
But in a way I guess I took care of the gossip, by pleading to keep it quiet and if it gets out I will know she told.
Such frustration, people will be people, I hear if you dont tell, people assume you have cancer. If you do tell you are met with everyones opinions, mostly negative, plus constant eyes and comments about what you are eating and how you look.
Nothing I cant handle but would prefer not to have to.
Maybe it'll be like high school and eventually a new person to gossip about will come along. Anyway, I do wish you well with this, in all aspects. IMO, it takes courage to do it and courage to face the aftermath. Good for you !
I really need to get back to work ! I've been goofing off, ran to the store, ran to buy crickets. I'm so "left brain" and this office makes me want to run !!!!!! Argggghhhh.....the chaos !Papers everywhere !!!!!!!
I really need to get back to work ! I've been goofing off, ran to the store, ran to buy crickets. I'm so "left brain" and this office makes me want to run !!!!!! Argggghhhh.....the chaos !Papers everywhere !!!!!!!
thanks for the kind words and a reminder I am doing something good and brave.
wonderwoman and jamv,
You two stay strong, and remember, Its what you think and how you feel about your self that is important, not what everyone else says or thinks. You girls have accomplished so much and should be proud. There will always be gossip in the work place, and most of it is just that..gossip. Usually it is speculation on other peoples part when they are lacking the truth and the facts. don't you wish people would just grow up.
bubba
You two stay strong, and remember, Its what you think and how you feel about your self that is important, not what everyone else says or thinks. You girls have accomplished so much and should be proud. There will always be gossip in the work place, and most of it is just that..gossip. Usually it is speculation on other peoples part when they are lacking the truth and the facts. don't you wish people would just grow up.
bubba
thanks so much!
You are right, just wish it wasnt so hard.
You are right, just wish it wasnt so hard.
Thanks Bubba. Today I feel strong and proud and ready to tackle the housework, too ! LOL
Here's to a sober weekend, ladies and gentlemen. :-)
Here's to a sober weekend, ladies and gentlemen. :-)
Gossip is mearly some peoples pathetic attempt to relieve the terminal boredom in their own lives, and caring what they say only let's them win. As such I have more respect for users, at least they just retreat into themselves.
wonderwomen
you sound like an incredibly strong women. i dont know if i would have been able to quit if bubba was still using. the smell would be oh so tempting for me. sorry to hear that your husband is not on board with you, but hang in there. maybe as he sees the positive changes coming about in you, it might motivate him quit too.
not sure if it was you or jamv that said something about feeling like a teenager.
but i have taken some drug counseling in the past and the therapist told me that at whatever age we begin using, we stop maturing and that when we stop using we start to mature again. kind of a scary thought since i had been using since i was 10. i hope i have not been acting like a 10yo all these years!
congrats on staying clean!
you sound like an incredibly strong women. i dont know if i would have been able to quit if bubba was still using. the smell would be oh so tempting for me. sorry to hear that your husband is not on board with you, but hang in there. maybe as he sees the positive changes coming about in you, it might motivate him quit too.
not sure if it was you or jamv that said something about feeling like a teenager.
but i have taken some drug counseling in the past and the therapist told me that at whatever age we begin using, we stop maturing and that when we stop using we start to mature again. kind of a scary thought since i had been using since i was 10. i hope i have not been acting like a 10yo all these years!
congrats on staying clean!
Yes, I am strong. I'm stubborn as well. :-)
My hubby does seem to being getting on board. He is more conscious of his use now, when he does it and how much he does. He gets forgetful after he smokes one, appears almost sheepish when he wanders around in a daze. I've never seen him like this. (The sheepish thing) He is becoming mindful, this is progress. I love the big goof ......dearly ! I'm not into shaming him, I'm allowing his own awareness to unfold. He pokes fun of the yoga concept though, he readily admits he much too "redneck Albertan for that crap". Whatever, baby. (ww rolls her eyes and smiles sweetly).
I stopped toking for at least a decade, CL., I have at least ten years growth on my man, if we go by the teenager theory, age idea, that makes me in my late twenties. LOL
My hubby does seem to being getting on board. He is more conscious of his use now, when he does it and how much he does. He gets forgetful after he smokes one, appears almost sheepish when he wanders around in a daze. I've never seen him like this. (The sheepish thing) He is becoming mindful, this is progress. I love the big goof ......dearly ! I'm not into shaming him, I'm allowing his own awareness to unfold. He pokes fun of the yoga concept though, he readily admits he much too "redneck Albertan for that crap". Whatever, baby. (ww rolls her eyes and smiles sweetly).
I stopped toking for at least a decade, CL., I have at least ten years growth on my man, if we go by the teenager theory, age idea, that makes me in my late twenties. LOL
>the therapist told me that at whatever age we begin using, we stop maturing<
Hogwash! Anyone on here think I come across as an 18 yr old?
%Oh just hush jamv-I know what YOU think!% lol
Hogwash! Anyone on here think I come across as an 18 yr old?
%Oh just hush jamv-I know what YOU think!% lol
OK Ok you are everyday of 19
you are just too kind, dear!
