I Had Surgery And. . .

I used a couple of pain pills. I took them as directed, not a handful, just two after the surgery, and then one the night I got home and one the following day. I remember what I loved about them. I feel a little guilty I enjoyed it and I probably took at least one that I totally did not need. No pain, just wanted to relax and recouperate. I want another.
What a disease this is. I have went 5 and half years without and the first time I take them and quite honestly I could be off and running again in the blink of an eye. How scarey they have not lost thier allure at all not one bit. Hmm. Anywho I am here I am accountable. I sent them home with my boyfriend. They are not in the house. Wierd thing is, I looked for them after he left. As if he would have stashed them? What the hell, these are some wierd mind games. I'm playing all by myself. I feel guilty that I want one. But I have not taken anymore. So just for today, I won't take another one. I never dreamed it would be a challenge again...not really, not even after all I've read and learned. So I am telling on myself. I am still and will always be an addict. I am still recovering.
QUOTE
So I am telling on myself. I am still and will always be an addict. I am still recovering.


You're being honest and got the pills out of your house.The body doesn't know if the pill is for pain or recreation.That's the real curse of having to go through this.Keep yourself accountable and you will be o.k.Before you think you're having real pain,talk about it with your sponsor.Your mind is already playing tricks on you so be on high alert.

The same thing happened to me in 07 when I was given a prescription for Percocet for a torn ligament.I had 3.5 years clean and my sponsor knew I was getting them.He even suggested that he keep them and before I got the prescription filled I said fine.When I got the prescription filled I took one as directed.30 minutes after that sucker hit me,I knew I wasn't giving them to anyone.That feeling came back and the rest is history.The first few days I pretty much kept to the dosing but then I was taking 3 every 4 hours and then it was 5 and the rest is history.I relapsed.Fortunately it didn't last even a week but #1 I was dishonest with my sponsor and #2 I chose to forget to pray to my HP and that was where I failed.

You can take medications and stay clean.You just have to step up your recovery efforts,talk about it in meetings,stay in touch with your sponsor.You are opening up receptors that have been dormant and your mind will play tricks on you.

Good Luck
Hope you heal well from your surgery. Jane, you did the right thing on so many levels. Admitting to it and having your bf take the pills out of your reach. Good for you

Hilary
How are you doing today, Jane? Good for you telling on your disease and staying accountable.

I remember what I loved about them.

And in all honesty, that would be very short lived for someone like me as the tolerance will sky rocket within days and then the high leaves and we're left chasing the high until we're just using to not get dope sick.....that vicious cycle of insanity is where it always ends for me.

Play the tape all the way through to your bottom and remember what that felt like.

Come back and share how it's going.

Hope you're healing quickly and the pain is bearable...

Smooches~
Stacey
Calling on Jane...how are you doing? Look how far you've come...
It continues on I took one on monday and one on tuesday. The pain isn't that bad. I just cannot get better, I just keep dragging a**, sitff everywhere. I got one from my mom last night. I just can't regroup. I am praying and saying just for today. It's such a fine line to me right now. I keep telling on myself to who ever will listen. I told my mom I really wanted one last night. I'm no sure if I want one because I just want one or if I just needed one so I could relax and get better. So thanks for asking, I am back on the wagon today. That is it. There are no pain pills in my house and I told my mother never to give me another one. I think that was my relapse because I couldn't stop thinking about taking one all day. I felt like s*** I had to go to work and I made it through a miserable day. I just wanted to take one feel better relax and heal. Justifcations aside I have been a few days longer on the meds than I would have liked. And I know better. Back to the basics. Hi everyone.:)
Hi Jane - I had a similar experience in November. I got diagnosed with melanoma and had to have a wide excision. I had the surgery and was prescribed 30 percocets. I toughed it out for 24 hours with aleve. the next day was Thanksgiving and I was moving around and "helping" my husband make dinner. Actually I was making dinner because I chose to get up and move around. I started to really hurt. I broke down and took "just one" percocet. By the time it hit me I knew I would finish that bottle. The first 48 hours or so I took one or two daily. After that I took them every 4-6 hours as prescribed. I loved it and I hated it at the same time. I got that "aaahhhhh" feeling yet I was argumentative and moody. My conscience ached. I worried yet I took them. My sponser suggested I toss the bottle. I didn't. I finished every last one of them. They were mine. I was prescribed them. I was hurting but definitely not in excrusciating pain. I went to a meeting, talked to my sponser and told on myself. When they were done. I was done. I was wondering if I relapsed. In the end, I decided that I did not. I had surgery and I took them as prescribed. Sure I wish I didn't take that first one but I did. Can't go back. I suffered a mini withdraw after I finished. I didn't sleep well and my skin crawled a little. I haven't touched one since.

My advice is to go easy on yourself. You said you need to relax and heal. You obviously are uncomfortable. sometimes aleve is great and sometimes you need something stronger. That is what they are for. Maybe you need another day or two off of work to really heal. Just remember that every day you will get a little better. Good luck.
Hi Jane,
Thanks for checking in, I'm glad to see you this morning...Back to the basics is how I still stay sober, one day at a time. Pull out the Big book and maybe start at the Doctor's Opinion. The solution lies in the Steps and not in a bottle of pain pills. I am sorry your uncomfortable but this too shall pass, time takes time and our bodies need time to heal after surgery.

You said you need to relax and heal. You obviously are uncomfortable. sometimes aleve is great and sometimes you need something stronger. That is what they are for.

For me and what I see with "normal" people, pain pills are prescribed for moderate to severe pain, not to relax or because we're uncomfortable. That's my old addict thinking going on which will tell my disease all kinds of stories to justify continuing to take them and before you know it, bam, you're back out there worse off than when you quit the last time. We are responsible for our own recoveries and staying honest with God, ourselves and each other.

Check your motives, Jane and if you're just uncomfortable, stiff and tired, call and let those who are holding your med's know that you're done and to flush them. Keep praying and ask God to show you how to deal with what you are going through, how to walk through the uncomfortableness and then take care of yourself, get enough sleep and rest, eat properly, don't do things that others can do for you while you heal. This is dangerous territory for an addict because our brains cannot differentiate between taking them for pain or for pleasure and once we wake that dragon, we've got to be extra viligant that it won't turn into a full blown relapse.

We've been friends for a long time. I share honestly with you how I perceived your posts and I'm here for you, to help you through this time in your recovery and if you want to talk off line, email me @ stacey.lang@att.net and I'll give you my phone number.

Now I'm going to go say a few prayers for you.

Much love and respect,
Stacey





posted by AliceP
QUOTE

I broke down and took "just one" percocet. By the time it hit me I knew I would finish that bottle. The first 48 hours or so I took one or two daily. After that I took them every 4-6 hours as prescribed. I loved it and I hated it at the same time. I got that "aaahhhhh" feeling yet I was argumentative and moody. My conscience ached. I worried yet I took them. My sponser suggested I toss the bottle. I didn't.


Ah yes, Welcome to ElimGarak's "Free"lapse City. Complete with withdrawal symptoms and everything. The quotes because it ain't exactly free, that is some false advertising. This is a guuhreaait example of following the "letter" of the law but as for the "spirit"...well, I don't think it is in the same universe.

posted by justjane
QUOTE

first time I take them and quite honestly I could be off and running again in the blink of an eye. How scarey they have not lost thier allure at all not one bit.

pickles rarely return to being cukes...This type of reaction is the one I know I would have, Geeeraaawnteeed.

and (justjane again)
QUOTE

I never dreamed it would be a challenge again...

In your heart of hearts did you expect it to be anything else? Perhaps you were hopin' it would be different.....
For me and what I see with "normal" people, pain pills are prescribed for moderate to severe pain, not to relax or because we're uncomfortable.
LOLOL. That is exactly why I post here. Because people like yourself understand exactly, the justifications, the bulls*** and the way my brain thinks. And I mean to a "T" I guess you understand because you have been there. When you state it like that, all bulls*** aside, I know that I have not needed one of them. Maybe right after the surgery. That is it. As far as pain from the surgery location (My boob) there is none. The stiffness and aches that probably jsut accompanied the severe cold I got. yes. There was plenty. I am worn down and I am uncomfortable but I am not in pain. Stacey, Stacey, thank you for your direct call.

Elim.
I know I am an addict. I believe you are spot on. I was hoping it would be different.

Everyone,
This is not a dramatisation. All these feelings are as real as the last time I used pain pills. I know I said earlier it was five and half years. I was clearly still f***ed up I had been drug free since July 13th 2004. I did not loose any of my clean time. I don't believe that one bit. But I am not proud of myself for how I have handled this so far. Epic failure on this. Now for the honest to god holy truth on Monday I snuck a pain pill out of the gun safe at my mom's house without telling anyone. I went home felt guilty split it in half flushed the one half and still took the other. I am sick. I do however have a strong support group, both here and in real life. I don't have a sponsor I don't go to meetings. Everyone that is in my life is aware I am a recovering addict. I have asked everyone I know to be on high alert. But the truth is if I wanted to I could get more pills and the doctors have called and asked. Yesterday my doctor offered to call in prescription cough medicine after SHE called to check on me. I said yes. Even though every fiber in me told me to say NO. I went to the pharmacy to pick up a Zpac and the cough medicine. I was somewhat excited to get the cough medicine. Turns out she called me in non narcotic cough pills?? WTF? LOL. I am grateful right now that I told her I was an ex addict a long time ago. So she must have kept it in her notes and didn't prescribe the narcotics. But I wanted it. Now you know my confessions. This is as close to a relapse as I care to get. I am reaching out to you all. I am keeping honest with you with God and with myself. I am not in the best of places right now. But I am doing the next right thing.
Jane darlin...one will never be enough and you know that. Do you want to talk? I'm a phone call away (I have free long distance). I had the surgery and the pills, remember? Let's talk about it. xxoo

saddlesore78@yahoo.com
on Monday I snuck a pain pill out of the gun safe at my mom's house without telling anyone. I went home felt guilty split it in half flushed the one half and still took the other.

. I said yes. Even though every fiber in me told me to say NO. I went to the pharmacy to pick up a Zpac and the cough medicine. I was somewhat excited to get the cough medicine.

Yeah, real close, Jane. Throw the damn pills out. Take ibuprophen or aleve. You're in scary territory. I'm telling you this because I'm pretty sure I would feel the same things you are feeling and it scares the crap out of me.
justjane

When a plethora (don't you just love that word--Good Grief, I sound like William Friggin' Buckley...) of people tell you that you were in scary territory and to dump out the remaining pills, they just might be onto something. Hopefully they have been dumped out and you (along with another human being) have actually seen the total remaining amount dumped out. It's like dealing with radioactive isotopes used to make nukes. Keep track of all of it and destroy it. Unlike pills, harder to actually destroy which is a bit of gratitude about pills, their ability to be destroyed.

What else did you expect from 24Gordon? It's her secret weapon. The search and destroy anti-BS cruise missile. Got a great guidance system on it....
Thanks for sharing about this Jane. I have a surgery coming up in the next couple of years and I won't lie and say that part of me wasn't looking forward to it. What an eye opener your experience has been for me. I have plenty of time to prepare and find alternatives. Really brought this reservation into the light for me~Thank you.
Jane? Woke up thinking about you this morning so I'm just wondering how you are?
Lisa, and everyone.
Well, I don't know if I am completely in the clear but I feel better. I went to a corn beef and cabbage St. Patty's day party last night. So my mind was distracted from everything. My neck got really stiff and I am a little worn down from all the bulls***. But I am eeking by. I think comming here and confessing my thoughts helped alot. I couldn't call any of you yesterday because I was at work. So I really appreciate you all for offering I have your emails for next emergency.. Hopefully there will not be one. Sorry I never responded yesterday, all day just sucked and I never got to a good place. But a fun night and a good nights sleep and I have almost forgotten where I was at yesterday all togeather. I was so scared that I was slipping. I read a thought for the day yesterday about : Those who make it through these times show a courage not their own. the just for today was: Just for today: I will be courageous today. When Im afraid, Ill do what I need to do to grow in recovery.
I was not too scared to at least talk about it. I did something that I in active addition I would have never done. Confess and tell people where my mind is even if its not in a great place. Thank you for checking on me. I need to recommit to the things that have kept me drug free for this long... That includes this place. Love you so much. Your always there when I need you. I can't thank you enough. I hope I didn't seem too dramatic. I was really scared.
Hi Jane,

I am so glad to see you post...you were in my prayers this morning.

Confess and tell people where my mind is even if its not in a great place.

Secrets not only keep us sick, they make us sicker as time moves on and then the collecting of more secrets. You did good coming and sharing, not what your disease wanted, that's for sure, a couple more days alone in your head & with your addict brain talking to you, you could of been back out there. I'm glad you're here with us instead, truly. I remember your share on what happened to your BF and I don't want to see that happen to you....

There's a reason that today I do the same things I did when I first got clean, it's a progressive fatal disease that has no cure, just a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition and if I'm not working on my recovery then there's a great chance I'm working on my relapse.

And the part you shared earlier about not going to meetings & having a sponsor? That door is always open for you ~smile~

Smooches.....
Stacey
LOL, leave it to Stacey to squeeze that in. ! I love that you are just you.

Well the meetings and sponsors had thier time with me. Actually never had a full blown sponsor, I have temporary one that is some how still in my life. We don't check in daily but she remains a close friend. I followed the steps, in true addict fashion, my own way I chose a life long friend to do my fourth step with. She is a normie. I tweeked things here are there. I always refer to and read my big book. I just preferred to stay away from addicts like myself (even recovered ones) when I got out of jail. When in fact they are the only ones who truley get my thinking especially my sticken thinken. I thank god I have this site. But I definately need to get some face to face people that are in recovery because although everyone knows and sympathises I don't they truley understnand. So I will take that into consideration.
QUOTE
But I definately need to get some face to face people that are in recovery because although everyone knows and sympathises I don't they truley understnand. So I will take that into consideration.


You got that right.
You can't con a con artist.My earth friends are very important to me but I can bulls*** them till the cows come home.I've got to have that core group who call me down.In fact some of them know me so well,I can have a certain look and they know somethings not right.

You're doing good.You're intuition is starting to shine!
Holy smoke, is this thread one big trigger or what???

I know EXACTLY what you are going through Jane. I relapsed bout five years ago from a knee surgery cuz I liked the way the pills made me feel. Right down the road to hell i went. You would think having been down that road before I would have learned my lesson. Anyway, in recent years,,,actually as soon as 12 months ago I had two back to back surgeries (rotator cuff and spinal surgery) and did not take any opiates at all....none, zippo, nada!! it liked to killed me and the pain was so bad that I passed out several times in the hospital after my spinal (neck) surgery. When I look back on that it seems like a very stupid thing to have put myself through, but I got through it and I am still sober today. Not sure what the right thing would be to do in these situations and guess it depends on the individual, but I knew that if I had just one taste of what that feeling was like....I would be back on that road to hell. Best of luck..