My step daughter is a drug addict. My grandbaby was recently taken away from her because they found morphine in his urine. Today was the first time I've seen her since it happened. Although I've been taking care of her baby. Today was her grandmothers funeral and after hearing her lying to her family for the 3rd time I confronted her about her lying at a restaurant after the funeral. I feel really bad about the timing but not about confronting with the truth. Everyone babies her and never mentions her lies even though they all know that she is I'm pretty sure my husband is upset with me again I don't know what to do anymore
Hi,
Welcome.
Wow, that would be tough to be silent when a baby is involved. What was her reaction?
Keep posting and reading. Life with addiction is horrible. It sounds like a lot of the family does not know what to do and/or is in denial. This is a great place for knowledge and support.
Welcome.
Wow, that would be tough to be silent when a baby is involved. What was her reaction?
Keep posting and reading. Life with addiction is horrible. It sounds like a lot of the family does not know what to do and/or is in denial. This is a great place for knowledge and support.
So, I'm assuming her grandmother was your mother-in-law. Perhaps the timing wasn't good, but... you are human, and it may be that you reached the end of your rope. Especially if you are taking care of her child, and dealing with the grief in your family, of losing a family member. Not to mention any other stressors that may be going on. We all have them. We are all entitled to a little wiggle room when we are going through grief, and then someone starts lying, and you are the one picking up the pieces.
Sombra
Sombra
Well my step daughter started yelling and crying. She claimed that the doctors were lying and they somehow altered the test. She ran out into the parking lot started calling me names and refused to let us give her a ride home. Her mother was there and talked her into leaving with her instead it a twenty mile walk. We bought her food at the restaurant to take home because we aren't sure if she has anything to eat at home but she threw it on the ground. We can't give her money so it was something we could do The funeral was for my husbands exes mother but my step son wanted me to go and since I helped take care of her I really thought I should I live in a small town everyone knows everyone Im glad I found this place it feels good to let some of this out
Angryexhauststepmom
Don't feel bad. Yeah it was probably not the best timing but you can only take so much when it comes to addicts. They lie and steal and cheat and manipulate to get what they want. They will trick everyone in their family quite often.
Your stepdaughter sounds like my ex husband. Although he's never thrown a fit in public - he usually just did that with me or with his mom if he was living with her. But he would always blame other people for anything bad that happened to him. Never took responsibility and he still doesn't and he's 35. 4 trips to rehab in 4 1/2 years.
Omg if I heard someone say that what your stepdaughter did I would be like "oh yeah there is a big conspiracy by doctors who don't know you to steal your child. Yep." She needs to grow up and worry about her child not herself. But it sounds like she still acts like a child. People need to stop babying her yes. That is the first step. She needs some serious tough love especially when she has a child.
You just don't fall into her little trap of manipulation. You know the truth.
Don't feel bad. Yeah it was probably not the best timing but you can only take so much when it comes to addicts. They lie and steal and cheat and manipulate to get what they want. They will trick everyone in their family quite often.
Your stepdaughter sounds like my ex husband. Although he's never thrown a fit in public - he usually just did that with me or with his mom if he was living with her. But he would always blame other people for anything bad that happened to him. Never took responsibility and he still doesn't and he's 35. 4 trips to rehab in 4 1/2 years.
Omg if I heard someone say that what your stepdaughter did I would be like "oh yeah there is a big conspiracy by doctors who don't know you to steal your child. Yep." She needs to grow up and worry about her child not herself. But it sounds like she still acts like a child. People need to stop babying her yes. That is the first step. She needs some serious tough love especially when she has a child.
You just don't fall into her little trap of manipulation. You know the truth.
6 yrs ago my daughter was an addict.(she has been clean 4 years) we invited her to thanksgiving dinner, told her the time. She arrived at least 30 minutes late and most of the food was eaten, we had just finish dinner. so she was mad that we didn't wait for her, mad that her favorite foods were gone, left within 15 minutes, and then called me later to ask for $$ so she could get something to eat.... there's no rationalizing with any of it. apologize if you have to. take a step back. she is not your daughter. let her parents handle her. anything you say can be used against you... lol. enjoy the fact that you can care for the grandbaby.
It's only 9am and I'm already so sick about talking with my husband about my step daughter she said she is going to loose the house she is renting. It's not a surprise but she thinks we are going to help her out and we aren't. I just feel like screaming and crying but won't lol becauseI'm a responsible person and have to work today
In my previous post, I mentioned my daughter, who went thru addicition 6 years ago. as soon as she moved away, got clean, we found out our son was addicted. they did not party together not the same friends. he was away at college and work while we were dealing w her. when she moved away, he came home and in about a year, we realized he had a problem... then we sent him to florida (sorry Florida). he continues to relapse. he is living in our area now.... we have been thru the rehab, sober living, homeless times , needs $ for rent, gas, food.... for 3 years while he was away living in florida.
I think the best time for us was when he was in a good sober living situation where their program was to teach their residents how to be an independent person. to give them the life skills they are missing. the residents were expected to be sober, working and pay rent. and have a support group, meeting, etc around them. he was compliant and did well for 5 months, until he thought he could take care of himself, left the program and relapsed for 5-6 months, lived w a relative drug free for 4-5 months, came home, relapsed. He knows what he has to do. HE has to do it. WE have to get out of the enabling trap..... I'm embarrassed - I can almost hear Dutchess and other 'senior' enablers saying - Been There, Done That. Stay strong everyone!
This would be my suggestion - give her the names of sober living programs, and then it is up to her. try to keep it simple - sober living or the street - her choice.
It was MUCH easier to keep the boundaries up when my son was in a program. and not living near home. we were able to break the enabling and defer his problems to the program. to tell him to talk to the people there, etc...
Now he is back home for past 6 months and it is the same old stuff ramping up again!
It is sad bc at this time in our lives, my husband and I would like to be traveling, mingling with friends, going away for the weekend. Now we are afraid to leave town for fear of a crisis! ugh.... Instead of enjoying our days our discussions are around - whether we can retire and get out of 'Dodge' or how long can we stand to stay put and on the hook!
I think the best time for us was when he was in a good sober living situation where their program was to teach their residents how to be an independent person. to give them the life skills they are missing. the residents were expected to be sober, working and pay rent. and have a support group, meeting, etc around them. he was compliant and did well for 5 months, until he thought he could take care of himself, left the program and relapsed for 5-6 months, lived w a relative drug free for 4-5 months, came home, relapsed. He knows what he has to do. HE has to do it. WE have to get out of the enabling trap..... I'm embarrassed - I can almost hear Dutchess and other 'senior' enablers saying - Been There, Done That. Stay strong everyone!
This would be my suggestion - give her the names of sober living programs, and then it is up to her. try to keep it simple - sober living or the street - her choice.
It was MUCH easier to keep the boundaries up when my son was in a program. and not living near home. we were able to break the enabling and defer his problems to the program. to tell him to talk to the people there, etc...
Now he is back home for past 6 months and it is the same old stuff ramping up again!
It is sad bc at this time in our lives, my husband and I would like to be traveling, mingling with friends, going away for the weekend. Now we are afraid to leave town for fear of a crisis! ugh.... Instead of enjoying our days our discussions are around - whether we can retire and get out of 'Dodge' or how long can we stand to stay put and on the hook!
NY--
You know what you need to do! Nothing changes if nothing changes as they say! You are still hanging on, but it is time to let go. You tried hard and did way more than you should have!
Yes-- I will tell you to stop enabling him because I am very experienced in that field and if you don't want to be in the same scenario at my age --71-- then stop now! Your traveling, relaxing, retirement days await, but only if YOU make some changes soon!
Big HUGS--Lori
ps-- I know lolleedee would echo what I just said!!
You know what you need to do! Nothing changes if nothing changes as they say! You are still hanging on, but it is time to let go. You tried hard and did way more than you should have!
Yes-- I will tell you to stop enabling him because I am very experienced in that field and if you don't want to be in the same scenario at my age --71-- then stop now! Your traveling, relaxing, retirement days await, but only if YOU make some changes soon!
Big HUGS--Lori
ps-- I know lolleedee would echo what I just said!!
@Duchess..Echo, Echo, Echo!!!! LOL Your advice is spot on!
I can't begin to imagine how hard it is to deal with a child's addiction! I am parent so I can imagine the heartache of watching the person you have loved since you first felt them move inside you, destroying their life and not living up to the potential they have, Unfortunately, I have plenty of experience being an addict! Thank God I have some recovery years behind me, but I still remember my active years (almost 20 of them!) and how hard it was to dig myself out of the hole I made!
The true turning point in my addiction came when my family stopped enabling me. They began to recover a good year before I even entertained the thought of trying life another way.
I can say unequivocally that had they not stepped back, disengaged and held their bottom line, I believe I would still be running my life into the ground!
One of the hardest things for my family to step back from was helping financially. I would always run short, like NY's son does. I wouldn't have money for gas or for my bills and they would continue to give me money and "help" me manage my money. I took full advantage of this help! Why change when they would give me money I didn't earn and bail me out of bills that went to collections?
The greatest gift they gave me (and my mom says the scariest!) was when they gave me all my mail, my banking they were "helping" with, and said here..sink or swim!! When thery pulled the financial rug out from under me, i didn't really believe they were serious at first because they always, always would at least give me money for gas! When they stopped, I learned fiscal responsibility the hard way. I missed days at work because instead of budgeting for gas, I bought drugs. I lost a few jobs becaise I overslept and they wouldn't call with excuses anymore. (How often can your Grandmother "die" over the course of a year anyway! LOL). I defaulted on a student loan and had a car repossessed due to my irresponsibility...but they stayed out of my money issues...and I started to realize I was on my own and I didn't want to not have money!
At the end of my run, my credit score was 382!!! I didn't know it could even be that low! I couldn't get credit anymore, which was good because I learned to live within my means. These few years later, after learning to spend wisely and live within my means, my FICO is 798, which is considered excellent! I am sharing this because if they had not stopped trying to help me, all these yeas later they would still be paying for gas for a capable adult!
Just remember that even though you do not cause your kids addiction, enabling behaviors allow it to continue yet another day. By handing to your addict those things that they should be doing for themselves, you are teling them without words that you believe they are capable! I am sure my parents didn't think I would ever "get" money, but they realized that what they were doing wasn't helping. It gave me "permission" to be irresponsible and they, in turn, were able to try to control and fix my addictive behavior..the hallmark of enabling.
I am so glad that we have healthy boundries and that I am now a responsible adult. I am a responsible wife and mother. If anything happened to my spouse (or my parents) I have no doubt that I would be able to handle whatever came my way. The best gift of recovery is having appropriate independence and the confidence to know that whatever life throws at me, I will be able to figure out what needs to be done and I will be able to carry on with confidnce.
It is amazing that all of this growth began when one day my mom chucked my paperwork at me and said, "you are responsible for your own finances and budget. Bank of mom and Dad is closed from now until the end of time, so don't even ask!"
This one scary step lead to other steps that snowballed into a pretty terrific life! Again, I am NOT blaming them for my addiction. However, when they stopped enabling I got the message that it was up to me! When most people TRULY have their back against the wall and believe there is NO WAY YOU WILL HELP AGAIN, they almost always swim instead of sink!!
I really feel for all you mom's, but you guys are doing great setting boundries and putting the responsibility for the addicts life where it belongs....on them!!!
I can't begin to imagine how hard it is to deal with a child's addiction! I am parent so I can imagine the heartache of watching the person you have loved since you first felt them move inside you, destroying their life and not living up to the potential they have, Unfortunately, I have plenty of experience being an addict! Thank God I have some recovery years behind me, but I still remember my active years (almost 20 of them!) and how hard it was to dig myself out of the hole I made!
The true turning point in my addiction came when my family stopped enabling me. They began to recover a good year before I even entertained the thought of trying life another way.
I can say unequivocally that had they not stepped back, disengaged and held their bottom line, I believe I would still be running my life into the ground!
One of the hardest things for my family to step back from was helping financially. I would always run short, like NY's son does. I wouldn't have money for gas or for my bills and they would continue to give me money and "help" me manage my money. I took full advantage of this help! Why change when they would give me money I didn't earn and bail me out of bills that went to collections?
The greatest gift they gave me (and my mom says the scariest!) was when they gave me all my mail, my banking they were "helping" with, and said here..sink or swim!! When thery pulled the financial rug out from under me, i didn't really believe they were serious at first because they always, always would at least give me money for gas! When they stopped, I learned fiscal responsibility the hard way. I missed days at work because instead of budgeting for gas, I bought drugs. I lost a few jobs becaise I overslept and they wouldn't call with excuses anymore. (How often can your Grandmother "die" over the course of a year anyway! LOL). I defaulted on a student loan and had a car repossessed due to my irresponsibility...but they stayed out of my money issues...and I started to realize I was on my own and I didn't want to not have money!
At the end of my run, my credit score was 382!!! I didn't know it could even be that low! I couldn't get credit anymore, which was good because I learned to live within my means. These few years later, after learning to spend wisely and live within my means, my FICO is 798, which is considered excellent! I am sharing this because if they had not stopped trying to help me, all these yeas later they would still be paying for gas for a capable adult!
Just remember that even though you do not cause your kids addiction, enabling behaviors allow it to continue yet another day. By handing to your addict those things that they should be doing for themselves, you are teling them without words that you believe they are capable! I am sure my parents didn't think I would ever "get" money, but they realized that what they were doing wasn't helping. It gave me "permission" to be irresponsible and they, in turn, were able to try to control and fix my addictive behavior..the hallmark of enabling.
I am so glad that we have healthy boundries and that I am now a responsible adult. I am a responsible wife and mother. If anything happened to my spouse (or my parents) I have no doubt that I would be able to handle whatever came my way. The best gift of recovery is having appropriate independence and the confidence to know that whatever life throws at me, I will be able to figure out what needs to be done and I will be able to carry on with confidnce.
It is amazing that all of this growth began when one day my mom chucked my paperwork at me and said, "you are responsible for your own finances and budget. Bank of mom and Dad is closed from now until the end of time, so don't even ask!"
This one scary step lead to other steps that snowballed into a pretty terrific life! Again, I am NOT blaming them for my addiction. However, when they stopped enabling I got the message that it was up to me! When most people TRULY have their back against the wall and believe there is NO WAY YOU WILL HELP AGAIN, they almost always swim instead of sink!!
I really feel for all you mom's, but you guys are doing great setting boundries and putting the responsibility for the addicts life where it belongs....on them!!!
Thank you Dutchess and Lollee - I know, I know.... lately when I'm ready to pull the plug, my hubby saves the day! ugh.... my son is dancing the dance, staying away enough so we dont have time to "talk" about anything. Catching us off guard and we give him a $20. I know he was broke 3 days ago, thought we would have seen him around by now... dont know if that will be good or bad.. he is working full time so that part is good... its all a wait and see.
