I Have Hit The Panic Button.

Okay, so this is super hard today. I worke up feeling so freaking anxious.

I am freaking myself out here.........Looking through old hiding spots, thinking somehow a pill is going to appear???? WTF!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow, I have to go back to the sub dr. I cant hold on much longer here.

Just trying to get through this day, tomorrow is a new one. But I just dont know.
Hey Jodi girl..How you been?...
take some immodium jodi, it will take the edge off a bit. take like 4 or 5, 2mg tablets.
Can I take the whole freaking bottle. I swear to god. Im j/k

This is so in my mind more than my body. I dont feel physically that sick, other than cold symptoms, but mind is racing.........

I have to do something here.

Jodi,

Relax, get out side, and let the sun shine on your face. Its the addiction making you like this. It isnt you.

My god I know how horrible you are feeling right now. The feeling of wanting to claw your own eyes out. The despair and the shame are crippling.

Dont give up. Addiction is a disease. You have a disease. Youre sick. Youre not a failure.

You have to keep trying different methods. CT works for some, taper works for some, in hospital detox works for some, suboxone works for some. There isnt a right way to do this. Just because a method you have tried didnt work doesnt mean it cant work again.

I am encouraging you to go to your doctor. Tell your doctor everything. I would also suggest having consultations with other Addiction Specialist. Maybe this doctor isnt a good match for you.

You deserve the best medical care. Dont settle. If you were diagnosed with cancer you would get the best treatment you could find, wouldnt you? There is NO difference with knowing you suffer from addiction. You are fighting for your life.

Don't panic. Tomorrow is just a few hours away.

Catherine
Oh Jody. I am so sorry. Hang in there ok? You can get through until tomorrow. Call that dr asap, ok?
Thank you both.

I am quite a bit calmer now, I did get out and get a little sunshine and fresh air. Is a gorgeous day here, if I could just see it. :(

Calling the dr. first thing in the morning, Well, I think I am just going to get up and drive straight there............I have done it before.

Once again, I was wrong, and I jumped off to high.

I will do this though.............Just taking more time than I ever imagined.

Hugs to you all.
From everything that's been written on the subject of Sub, slower taper is the only way. There is no hurry or race when it comes to your sobriety. That's addictive behavoir, to want what we want and to want it NOW. Time to slow down kiddo, let someone else drive the bus.
Jodi, did you ever find out why the quick need to start tapering you. You have the absolute right to ask this question. This is your recovery and he owes you an honest explaination.
You are right about driving the bus.............Lisa, I admit it, I need to step back, and quit trying to run this thing, I am obviously getting nowhere.

The Dr. said he received a new study that any dosage above 6mg was apparently to high..............That was his "reason" anyway......

I am going to stick on 4............and take it easy this time.

Lisa would you drive the bus, because I suck at it? LOL ' My traffic record with the bus, is just not great :)

Hugs.
oh sweetheart i feel for you right now, you must feel awful, dont beat yourself up for trying honey, get back on the lowest comfortable dose of sub tomorrow and from there taper verrrrry sloooooow! gosh i hope i dont go nuts when i get that low, i am still at 7 mg dropped from 8 on mar 15.
like i have said before, verrrrry slooooow!
i saw my addictions/sub/ psychiatrist on fri. i have been too anxious lately and a friend said to me that i may have developed a tolerance to paxil since i have been on it 10 yrs. so i asked him about changing to lexapro? he disagreed with my friends theory said the anxiety is stemming from irregular blood sugars the stomach problems that have given me no appetite and my nutritiion has not been good at all, and also the horrible situations i just endured such as the er treating me like a nutcase and the primitive endoscopy.
so i am gonna listen to the doctor. i hope you feel better soon, could you go to a meeting tonight? i am going to one in a half an hour, they really help, i hope you feel better soon, love jewels
Thanks jewels.......

I am feeling better, so much better than earlier. Tomorrow is drawing near.........

I really want to do this though, for myself..........but also there are people in my life that mean so very much, I refuse to take chances anymore.

Have a good night sweetie.

Hugs.
Just a caution on Imodium, taking too much at a time can cause bowel obstruction - especially if you don't have diarrhoea when you take it.

Loperamide primarily binds to opiate receptors in the gut wall.
Thanks SP.............I never did take any of it.............But Thanks anyways. I always welcome your advice.

:)
Jody..my driving record sucked for quite awhile as well, but it's getting better...lol So, it sounds like the dr wanted you down to 6mg, but you wanted off? Is that right? So, he will keep you at 6 and then WITH HIS HELP, you can go from there, right?