Tonight I've been sitting here watching old pictures scroll by on the digital photo frame. I've got pictures on there as recent as last Christmas back to way before I was born.
The thing that got me was the pictures of my boys when they were little.
All I could think for each picture was, "That was before drugs." or "That was after drugs." Such a defining event in my life. I've always had these addiction issues. s***...I went to rehab at 15. I've always liked to drink and marrying an older man took care of any problem I had in acquiring alcohol.
I've had narcotics before. After surgeries. After dental procedures. Sure, I was always bummed out when they were gone. But I dealt with it and I lived.
When did I turn that corner? And why? After I found a regular supplier, sure. But when did it become such an obsession with me? When did I begin to NEED and LIVE FOR that escape rather than just crave it?
Yeah, I look back on those old pictures. I remember when my 2 little boys were my high and my happiness. Granted, I was probably drunk when I took the pictures. But they were still number one in my life.
Now nothing matters anymore but finding a way to feel good. Damn. I'm having a hard time. This isn't the life I pictured when I was 10 or 12. Which addict does?
I just want to be a normal person struggling to work, raise kids and pay the bills. Why the f*** does this addiction s*** and this widowhood s*** have to come into play?
Ok...I know. No pity parties. No "Why me's".
It's always been there waiting for me. Since the moment I was born. I don't question that but I can't use it as an excuse. I just don't know why I turned that corner. And I also don't know why it even matters at this point.
I've gone as far as I can allow myself to go with this.
Any further and it will mean certain death for me. I made a vow to myself regarding that.
f***. I'm just not dealing well with all of this tonight and I don't know what to do. I know I will just do what I do. I will go to sleep (hopefully). And I will wake up tomorrow and hopefully have a new outlook.
It's just one of those days.
I saw a man on Oprah years ago. He was about 30-32. He was extremely successful in business, very good looking. He was living a good life. Then he found out he had aids. I was impressed by his positive attitude. Oprah asked him if he ever said, "why me, why now?. He answered that he never asked that question. He said he never questioned God for all of the good that came into his life and he felt it unfair to question the bad. I always remember that.
When my daughter was first born she was put into intensive care for 17 days. I was told she would have to be on medicine her entire life. She has a life threatening disorder. Also she would need a major surgery, the sooner the better. I was in a state of shock. The doctors tried to explain the condition to me but it was so complicated. We had tried for 8 years to conceive. I never asked that question. Someone told me that God must think alot of me to give me such a special child. I took it as the highest compliment. Everything went so fast in the beginning that I didn't have time to think or worry I was busy taking care of a newborn. I had nurses come in every day for three months and draw her blood daily. She is a "salt waster". Her body doesn't have the ability to maintain its sodium, among a host of other things, such as fight illness or injury on its own. Her endocrinologist is the wisest person I've ever met. I carry his words of wisdom in my memory bank. He said, "look on the bright side". "We know what it is and there is medicine readily available. The medicine isn't very expensive either." When I started to consider his words I was able to step back from the horror of it and be grateful.
Jodi you are doing great. You have more clean time today than in a very long time, no? Be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished. You have two beautiful sons that need you more than you know. This is a difficult situation that we are in. It seems the whole world can party, but we can't. It does kind of suck. I guess I just figure that there are worse things I could be living with. The steps are a process that we are blessed to be able to work through. I still am on step two after nine months. I promise you that if you keep doing what you are doing that things will definitely get better. I used to think to myself, "am I having a bad day, good day, okay day?" My mind was always racing the first few months. Now I hardly think about it. I'm just living. I'm alot easier on myself than when I was using as well. I still get the urge to use but I just know that it's out of the question. I can't use because I'm an addict. Then I move on to the next thought. In time it will be the same for you. I'm pulling for you. Hold on tight.
When my daughter was first born she was put into intensive care for 17 days. I was told she would have to be on medicine her entire life. She has a life threatening disorder. Also she would need a major surgery, the sooner the better. I was in a state of shock. The doctors tried to explain the condition to me but it was so complicated. We had tried for 8 years to conceive. I never asked that question. Someone told me that God must think alot of me to give me such a special child. I took it as the highest compliment. Everything went so fast in the beginning that I didn't have time to think or worry I was busy taking care of a newborn. I had nurses come in every day for three months and draw her blood daily. She is a "salt waster". Her body doesn't have the ability to maintain its sodium, among a host of other things, such as fight illness or injury on its own. Her endocrinologist is the wisest person I've ever met. I carry his words of wisdom in my memory bank. He said, "look on the bright side". "We know what it is and there is medicine readily available. The medicine isn't very expensive either." When I started to consider his words I was able to step back from the horror of it and be grateful.
Jodi you are doing great. You have more clean time today than in a very long time, no? Be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished. You have two beautiful sons that need you more than you know. This is a difficult situation that we are in. It seems the whole world can party, but we can't. It does kind of suck. I guess I just figure that there are worse things I could be living with. The steps are a process that we are blessed to be able to work through. I still am on step two after nine months. I promise you that if you keep doing what you are doing that things will definitely get better. I used to think to myself, "am I having a bad day, good day, okay day?" My mind was always racing the first few months. Now I hardly think about it. I'm just living. I'm alot easier on myself than when I was using as well. I still get the urge to use but I just know that it's out of the question. I can't use because I'm an addict. Then I move on to the next thought. In time it will be the same for you. I'm pulling for you. Hold on tight.
The guy Oprah...reminds me of Randy Pausch, author and orator of "The Last Lecture". I've been listening to his audiobook for a couple of days and had seen the taped lecture on YouTube...an uplifting story. Diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, father of three children (5,2,and 1), successful professor...given six months max to live.
There is an academic game of "what if"..."What if you knew you were dying and could deliver one last lecture...what would you say?" Well, his really was his last lecture...
Watch it, read it...not once did he ask himself the 'why me' question. As my BIL said from his hospital bed before he died, "Why not me? What makes me so special that I would be immune from it?"
They'll work if you work them, Jodi.
Peace~M&M
There is an academic game of "what if"..."What if you knew you were dying and could deliver one last lecture...what would you say?" Well, his really was his last lecture...
Watch it, read it...not once did he ask himself the 'why me' question. As my BIL said from his hospital bed before he died, "Why not me? What makes me so special that I would be immune from it?"
They'll work if you work them, Jodi.
Peace~M&M
I always learn something from you, Alice. Always.
(How was your vacation?)
(How was your vacation?)
Jodi- I know your going through some fog right now. Some personal bs that doesn't feel like it is going to get better. It does though. Remember this faith over fear. You don't know what lies ahead. You can only do the next right thing. I have heard it before compared to driving from California to New York at night. You start from one place, California. You know it's there, New York
the life you've never dreamed of) Your just not that sure how to get there. You just turn on the headlights and drive. Just have some hope. Just keep doing the next right thing. You don't know what lies between here and there but just have some faith and keep on driving. Doing it a little bit at a time is the only way any of us got clean time. Or a better life.
It also says it in the big book. Friend I am not adamantly one way or another. Everyone can get clean thier own way. I don't know if you are doing the steps. It doesn't matter use it all, with little help from here a little help from there. It works, and it is stated so clearly in the big book. It tells us the promises. They are real they are divinely inspired and I quote:
...word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations...
...Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
I am not a 100% 12 stepper. I went to meetings I did my thing. I used a little of everything. Counseling, jail, friends, family, 12 steps, literature of 12 steps, God I used everything I could. Reach out.. then reach more. There is help. You have come so far. Allow yourself to get as much help as you need. And never give up!
Much love and respect,
the life you've never dreamed of) Your just not that sure how to get there. You just turn on the headlights and drive. Just have some hope. Just keep doing the next right thing. You don't know what lies between here and there but just have some faith and keep on driving. Doing it a little bit at a time is the only way any of us got clean time. Or a better life.
It also says it in the big book. Friend I am not adamantly one way or another. Everyone can get clean thier own way. I don't know if you are doing the steps. It doesn't matter use it all, with little help from here a little help from there. It works, and it is stated so clearly in the big book. It tells us the promises. They are real they are divinely inspired and I quote:
...word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations...
...Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
I am not a 100% 12 stepper. I went to meetings I did my thing. I used a little of everything. Counseling, jail, friends, family, 12 steps, literature of 12 steps, God I used everything I could. Reach out.. then reach more. There is help. You have come so far. Allow yourself to get as much help as you need. And never give up!
Much love and respect,
I watched Randy Pausch on Oprah. I watched part of his video on youtube. The whole thing upset me greatly and that was when I hadn't experienced any loss in my life. His wife has been brought up in the circles I run with these days. She sets a great example.
I still can't help but wonder where her mind wanders as she lays in bed alone every night and what she isn't showing the rest of the world and how she deals with it.
I'm always trying to learn.
I've been such a follower my whole life but lately I've been taking in so much from so many different sources and trying to form my own opinion about things...about everything.
I guess you could say I'm finally growing up. I'm not living in anyone's shadow anymore. I have my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
It doesn't mean I don't get tremendously confused and lost sometimes.
I still can't help but wonder where her mind wanders as she lays in bed alone every night and what she isn't showing the rest of the world and how she deals with it.
I'm always trying to learn.
I've been such a follower my whole life but lately I've been taking in so much from so many different sources and trying to form my own opinion about things...about everything.
I guess you could say I'm finally growing up. I'm not living in anyone's shadow anymore. I have my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
It doesn't mean I don't get tremendously confused and lost sometimes.
Jane, I want no more than those Promises to come true. I know they won't come easy. I know I have to do my part.
I'm trying. I'm trying so hard.
I can't imagine a life like that. I really can't. Yet I see and meet so many others who are experiencing that life. It's not perfect. It never will be.
But peace? When do I get there?
I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all. With anything. And I hate it. I really do try. I have a few moments of pure happiness and it is better than any high I could imagine.
I keep searching. So I guess the WHY I'm not happy doesn't matter. How I deal with it does matter. It just pisses me off that the things that used to make me happy no longer matter. Or that my neighbor or my sister or my friend can be happy about some really stupid s***.
Sure, I think, "Why doesn't ... make me happy anymore?" But I should be thinking, "What can I do so that ... makes me happy like it used to."
I'm still stuck in the problem instead of keeping my eye on the solution. And it will be a long night because of it.
I want to say f*** it all.
I'm trying. I'm trying so hard.
I can't imagine a life like that. I really can't. Yet I see and meet so many others who are experiencing that life. It's not perfect. It never will be.
But peace? When do I get there?
I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all. With anything. And I hate it. I really do try. I have a few moments of pure happiness and it is better than any high I could imagine.
I keep searching. So I guess the WHY I'm not happy doesn't matter. How I deal with it does matter. It just pisses me off that the things that used to make me happy no longer matter. Or that my neighbor or my sister or my friend can be happy about some really stupid s***.
Sure, I think, "Why doesn't ... make me happy anymore?" But I should be thinking, "What can I do so that ... makes me happy like it used to."
I'm still stuck in the problem instead of keeping my eye on the solution. And it will be a long night because of it.
I want to say f*** it all.
Ditto
Mark
Mark
Justiane,
Have you heard Leonard Cohen sing Suzanne? I see you quote him. Or better yet, k.d. Lang singing his song Hallelujah?
That's the reason for my thread title. Both are incredible. IMO
Mark
Have you heard Leonard Cohen sing Suzanne? I see you quote him. Or better yet, k.d. Lang singing his song Hallelujah?
That's the reason for my thread title. Both are incredible. IMO
Mark
But peace? When do I get there?
It started for me little bits at a time, the more I let the walls down, the more I reached out to others in the program, the more I would have a little peace, then after I did Step 5, most of my days had peace and serenity and more than a little bit. The 9th step promises started happening and then when I did Step 9, they did materialize.....
Once I was through the steps and was a part of my fellowship, 100% involved, I now have more peace and serenity than I ever imagined, even when life hits me with a curve ball, I can get back to the peace and serenity very quickly.
The key for me is not to be in my head but to be reaching out and helping others and the steps taught me how to do that....
You will get out of recovery exactly what you put in to it...
I hope you find the peace you are searching for, Jodi. I don't know anything about being a widower but my BFF in the program lost her husband when she was 9 mos clean & sober and today she has 14years and she does have peace & serenity and she swears it was the fellowship who held her up and got her through the difficulities of his death.....
Are you still attending meetings? I wish you nothing but the best, you are worth it....
xoxo
Stacey
It started for me little bits at a time, the more I let the walls down, the more I reached out to others in the program, the more I would have a little peace, then after I did Step 5, most of my days had peace and serenity and more than a little bit. The 9th step promises started happening and then when I did Step 9, they did materialize.....
Once I was through the steps and was a part of my fellowship, 100% involved, I now have more peace and serenity than I ever imagined, even when life hits me with a curve ball, I can get back to the peace and serenity very quickly.
The key for me is not to be in my head but to be reaching out and helping others and the steps taught me how to do that....
You will get out of recovery exactly what you put in to it...
I hope you find the peace you are searching for, Jodi. I don't know anything about being a widower but my BFF in the program lost her husband when she was 9 mos clean & sober and today she has 14years and she does have peace & serenity and she swears it was the fellowship who held her up and got her through the difficulities of his death.....
Are you still attending meetings? I wish you nothing but the best, you are worth it....
xoxo
Stacey
Jodi- Your peace will come. It doesn't come from trying it comes from surrender. The time when you realize nothing you do on your own is gonna get you out of this mess. It comes when you dig a little deeper and rely solely on a power greater than yourself. I remember many nights like the one your having. I remember many more waking up crying. I only lost my husband and family to divorce and to the desiese. But it sucked. I had to see them each day and know I couldn't have what I did have before. Still I asked my HP to guide me. I read a ton of books, still do. Recovery books self help books. I still don't know what kept me going it must have been a power greater than myself. Peace comes. If you let it. And yes you look at others and wonder why they are happy and laughing. "Fake it till you make it" Read some of your earlier posts if you doubt you are making progress. I haven't read all your posts but I know you are alot further than you were. There is a reason for the one day at a time method. One day your feel like you do right now, and the next you feel great. Then the next day so, so. It's called living life on lifes terms. Once your to the point you can accept that. The peace will come. Don't let your feelings frighten you they change like the wind sometimes. FAITH OVER FEAR. Have faith practice it. I have faith in you.
It's hard for me to imagine you as a follower, Jodi...a woman of your obvious intelligence and introspection.
I have nothing to add to the wonderful words Stacey, Jane, and Alice offered, but I do know how you sounded a year or two ago and I hear you now, and I believe you have made incredible strides. Hang in there,
Peace~M&M
I have nothing to add to the wonderful words Stacey, Jane, and Alice offered, but I do know how you sounded a year or two ago and I hear you now, and I believe you have made incredible strides. Hang in there,
Peace~M&M