For those of you who dont know me and havent read any of my storys, please listen anyway, i could use your help. For those of you that DO know me, please listen because i could realy use some words of encouragement.....
I finally, broke down. I think im going to h**l. I have been trying all week long to stay strong and not take the stupid pills but yesterday and thismorning, i became weak and i couldnt take it any longer. I have been tappering and doing a GREAT job at that. I was taking 25-30 750mlg. vic's a day and went right down to 10. Then i went down to 8 the next day and then 7 1/2 and then 6. I have been on 5 for about four days and almost at 3 a couple of days went by that i only took 3 1/2 . But after all the crap with my friend in the hospital and all the emotional feelings in side of me, i became depressed and had nothing in me to get up in the morning. my poor kids started asking me why i was so sick.(they thought i was sick because i wouldnt get out of bed.)
I realy have no excuse, but i ended up taking 11-yesterday and today i have already had 7.!! I know its bad and it realy hurts inside right now. Not to mention the fact that i feel sick to my stomic and want to throw up. Please i feel realy bad and i dont want to do this tommorow again, HELP. Im not asking for much., maybe just a quick hit in the seat of my pants, or even a good pep talk will work. I dont realy know. But i need somthing. I cant stop crying and i cant tell my fiancee whats wrong because he keeps the pills from me and i found them and just took the extra ones without him knowing. He changes the hiding spots everyday.(i just happened to get lucky in finding where it was yesterday.)
I know alot of crap has been going on here lately, and im not looking to get put down or judged. Im simply asking for some words of advice when you have a so called "RELAPS". I dont even know if i can call it that if i am tappering???
Is there anyone to talk to out there???
Please just give me 2 min. of your time.!!!
Christina(Friend)
Hi Friend. First, don't beat yourself up. We have all relapsed at one time or another. Now, GO BACK TO YOUR REGULAR TAPERING SCHEDULE!! You should tell your boyfriend to TAKE the pills with him where ever he goes. Do not let the fact that you are upset with yourself justify taking more pills. You don't even have to start all over; just pick up where you left off. You can beat this and you WILL!! You are strong. I know because I have read your posts and you have been doing GREAT! Just think of how far you have come! Be proud of yourself for that! Ask God for the stregnth you need and get those pills out of your house. I KNOW that you can do this, you've BEEN doing it!! Keep fighting. Love ---Jess
Chris-Have you considered an in-house rehab? Is that an option? I TOTALLY understand what you are going through. I'm tapering too. I'm looking at a bottle of pills right now. But I won't take one because of my kids. And my wife. I know you feel sick. I do too. BLAH! But you have a couple of choices. Either rehab, or go back on your schedule and then stick to it. I know how hard it is. I think you might of gone too fast on your taper. I'm taking a lot less than you and tapering slower. The schedule someone gave me (and it's working SO FAR) was a 20% reduction every 4-5 days and then settle and then another 20%. People who know me know I don't judge. I'd say if you are determined to taper, do it slower. And don't be so hard on yourself. Pick yourself up and do it again.
Hello,
Don't worry about relapsing. In order to relapse you have to FIRST stop the drug and get off the drug for a period of time. Then once you actually stop taking the drug you start taking it again at some point in the future. Thats a relapse. Since you haven't managed to stop taking the drugs don't say and get mad that you relapsed cause you didn't.
Im just curious why you are looking for the pills that your financee is hiding? They are being hid for a reason, and thats for you not to take more but you still look for them anyways and when you find them you end up taking more????
Not sure what to really say. I guess all you can do is take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if your being REAL here. You gotta be real with yourself and you can't fix what you don't acknowledge.
So... Don't look for the drugs if they are being hided from you. There is a reason for that. Don't blame other things for taking pills. You took them, end of story.
Now. You should be honest with your financee and say you are abusing the pills again and start from there. Peace of mind is priceless.
No offence but when your lying to yourself and your financee its hard to be 'encouraging'. I think that would be sending the wrong message here.
You know what your doing is wrong now what are you gonna do about it?
Don't worry about relapsing. In order to relapse you have to FIRST stop the drug and get off the drug for a period of time. Then once you actually stop taking the drug you start taking it again at some point in the future. Thats a relapse. Since you haven't managed to stop taking the drugs don't say and get mad that you relapsed cause you didn't.
Im just curious why you are looking for the pills that your financee is hiding? They are being hid for a reason, and thats for you not to take more but you still look for them anyways and when you find them you end up taking more????
Not sure what to really say. I guess all you can do is take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if your being REAL here. You gotta be real with yourself and you can't fix what you don't acknowledge.
So... Don't look for the drugs if they are being hided from you. There is a reason for that. Don't blame other things for taking pills. You took them, end of story.
Now. You should be honest with your financee and say you are abusing the pills again and start from there. Peace of mind is priceless.
No offence but when your lying to yourself and your financee its hard to be 'encouraging'. I think that would be sending the wrong message here.
You know what your doing is wrong now what are you gonna do about it?
danny, sugarbear, thank you for replying. I realy do take what u say with alot of value.
Kirwin, i must say this...your apsolutly right!!! I wasnt sure if i could be classified as a relaps or not. Im kind of new at the tappering thing. And the pills, i just want you to know , (not that it makes me feel better) but because i just wanted to say it, I gave those pills to him myself. I broke down and asked for help because i love my life and i love my kids and my fiancee has given me so much already, i cant bear to take advantage of him in any way possible. I felt at one point that i was , and thats why i asked him for help.
As for the pills now. I asked him to keep them with him during the day and at night so that the temptation wasnt there to go look. I honestly didnt want to look for them for along time.!!!! But on the weekends he is home and i new they were in the house somewere.
I do want to stop. I realy truly do, it was the first temptation i have had in almost 3 weeks.!! I have nothing to hide here and i just needed to get this out.! I feel so much better now that i did.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are right when you say to tell him, i know in my heart that he will love me and take care of me anyway. I just didnt want to see that hurt look in his eyes. But the time has come. When my kids go to bed, im going to tell him.
Thanks for the words everyone!! I needed the kick in the butt.
Christina
Kirwin, i must say this...your apsolutly right!!! I wasnt sure if i could be classified as a relaps or not. Im kind of new at the tappering thing. And the pills, i just want you to know , (not that it makes me feel better) but because i just wanted to say it, I gave those pills to him myself. I broke down and asked for help because i love my life and i love my kids and my fiancee has given me so much already, i cant bear to take advantage of him in any way possible. I felt at one point that i was , and thats why i asked him for help.
As for the pills now. I asked him to keep them with him during the day and at night so that the temptation wasnt there to go look. I honestly didnt want to look for them for along time.!!!! But on the weekends he is home and i new they were in the house somewere.
I do want to stop. I realy truly do, it was the first temptation i have had in almost 3 weeks.!! I have nothing to hide here and i just needed to get this out.! I feel so much better now that i did.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are right when you say to tell him, i know in my heart that he will love me and take care of me anyway. I just didnt want to see that hurt look in his eyes. But the time has come. When my kids go to bed, im going to tell him.
Thanks for the words everyone!! I needed the kick in the butt.
Christina
Christina:
When I wanted to stop taking pills, I had to get desperate enough to stop taking pills. I tried everything weaning, blah, blah blah. This wasn't my first rodeo. What I can tell you my friend is that today I live a much different life then I did loaded. I am excited about my life today. To have that monkey off my back is such a blessing. A blessing I do not take for granted. Today, I am willing to go to any length for my sobriety. I show up for meetings regularly and I am accountable. There is not a day that goes by that I do not speak to another addict. I have to be accountable otherwise my disease will tell me I'm okay, I'm different, I can handle a pill. Abusing pills is a slow suicide. They say you have three choices, institutions, jail or death. This disease will kill you. It definitely kills your spirit, it sucks the life out of you. I told you before I never was successful at tapering. I think the time has come for you to ask yourself if you are successful at tapering. I wish only the best for you. I am here for you.
Love to you,
Rachel
When I wanted to stop taking pills, I had to get desperate enough to stop taking pills. I tried everything weaning, blah, blah blah. This wasn't my first rodeo. What I can tell you my friend is that today I live a much different life then I did loaded. I am excited about my life today. To have that monkey off my back is such a blessing. A blessing I do not take for granted. Today, I am willing to go to any length for my sobriety. I show up for meetings regularly and I am accountable. There is not a day that goes by that I do not speak to another addict. I have to be accountable otherwise my disease will tell me I'm okay, I'm different, I can handle a pill. Abusing pills is a slow suicide. They say you have three choices, institutions, jail or death. This disease will kill you. It definitely kills your spirit, it sucks the life out of you. I told you before I never was successful at tapering. I think the time has come for you to ask yourself if you are successful at tapering. I wish only the best for you. I am here for you.
Love to you,
Rachel
Christina,
I think you proved why most addicts can not successfully taper all the way. I think you were tremendously successful getting down to 4/day -- going c/t from that would have been much better than going c/t from the 20+ a day you were taking. When I tapered, I only got down to 6 per day before I broke my schedule one Friday night (took 10, bad day I guess). The next morning I started to think about how I would divy up the remaining 26 over the weekend....then I just flushed them, because I knew if I didn't, I'd probably get more when those ran out.
That would be my suggestion to you now Christina if you really want to quit. Flush the rest. Your body has adjusted to a lower dosage, and while you'll experience some uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms for 3-5 days, it will be over much sooner than the slow taper. And then you'll finally be free! Much support, M.
I think you proved why most addicts can not successfully taper all the way. I think you were tremendously successful getting down to 4/day -- going c/t from that would have been much better than going c/t from the 20+ a day you were taking. When I tapered, I only got down to 6 per day before I broke my schedule one Friday night (took 10, bad day I guess). The next morning I started to think about how I would divy up the remaining 26 over the weekend....then I just flushed them, because I knew if I didn't, I'd probably get more when those ran out.
That would be my suggestion to you now Christina if you really want to quit. Flush the rest. Your body has adjusted to a lower dosage, and while you'll experience some uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms for 3-5 days, it will be over much sooner than the slow taper. And then you'll finally be free! Much support, M.
dear friend you have been through soooo much lately its no wounder you gave in.Forgive yourself and try to get that determination back.We are here for you holding onto you even if it doesn't seem like it.Please try to rethink things and start again.As long as your still alive you have another chance TAKE IT.........mollyjean
Hey Friend Christina,
Pick yourself up,dust yourself off and try again. Go back to your 5 a day!!! If you were on that amount for the past 4 days then your body will re-adjust... I have to disagree with none4me,I wouldn't flush them. I would try again on a tapper routine especially because you have someone keeeping the pills from you and you usually don't have access to them right? Plus you have gotten yourself down to this amount so far..So it must be working some what. Just because you had a slip oh well..Try and wean down to at least 1 a day and then stop. I have quit c/t after taking 2 day and the withdrawls in my opinion were worse than stopping after going down down to 1 a day for a week. So I am a firm believer in the lowest dose you can get yourself down to and give you body time to re-adjust slowly the better for physcial withdrawls. Now the mental part I can't help you with I am struggling with that on my own.. Good luck to you and have some FAITH in yourself. Rae
Pick yourself up,dust yourself off and try again. Go back to your 5 a day!!! If you were on that amount for the past 4 days then your body will re-adjust... I have to disagree with none4me,I wouldn't flush them. I would try again on a tapper routine especially because you have someone keeeping the pills from you and you usually don't have access to them right? Plus you have gotten yourself down to this amount so far..So it must be working some what. Just because you had a slip oh well..Try and wean down to at least 1 a day and then stop. I have quit c/t after taking 2 day and the withdrawls in my opinion were worse than stopping after going down down to 1 a day for a week. So I am a firm believer in the lowest dose you can get yourself down to and give you body time to re-adjust slowly the better for physcial withdrawls. Now the mental part I can't help you with I am struggling with that on my own.. Good luck to you and have some FAITH in yourself. Rae
Christina..honesty, honesty, honesty, honesty.... can't say it enough. Tell your boyfirend what happend. He will respect your honesty and will be more viligant in keeping them hidden, thus keeping you safe.
I know it's embarressing to have to admit to it, but so is dying. Shame never killed us but this addiction will.
You really do need in-patient rehab. That is an amazing amount of pills to come off of on your own. There is always a way. Would it hurt to just check into it? Most places do an assesment, it's usually free. What's to lose?
Cowgirl
I know it's embarressing to have to admit to it, but so is dying. Shame never killed us but this addiction will.
You really do need in-patient rehab. That is an amazing amount of pills to come off of on your own. There is always a way. Would it hurt to just check into it? Most places do an assesment, it's usually free. What's to lose?
Cowgirl
Good Morning Cowgirl how are you doing today......mollyjean
Friend ~
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON! Everyone makes mistakes.
Just pick up where you left off, and keep fighting the sickness.
I am SOOO PROUD of you for being honest. I agree with the person who
said don't beat yourself up over it !!
Sending you my love and support ~
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON! Everyone makes mistakes.
Just pick up where you left off, and keep fighting the sickness.
I am SOOO PROUD of you for being honest. I agree with the person who
said don't beat yourself up over it !!
Sending you my love and support ~
Thanks for asking Molly, I'm doing really good this morning. How are you? What's up with you today?
Marina..you are so right, none of us are bad people trying to get good. We are sick people trying to get well.
Cowgirl
Marina..you are so right, none of us are bad people trying to get good. We are sick people trying to get well.
Cowgirl
Hi Cowgirl(I like that name by the way)As IO just wrote to Liz I'm watching the snow started and putting off cleaning up the weekend mess.I am going down to 10 today &I've only had 8 so far How are you and what in your day plans
Hey Friend,
I am so sorry to hear you had difficulties. I have been taking MS Contin for four years and have just decided today to stop. I am tapering off, with the help of my Dr. I am so scared! I totally understand what your are going thru as i am sure most people on this forum. The only thing i know to help you is to suggest prayer. I know it sounds cheesy, but in the end he is all we have.
Honestly, you did it before and you can do it again. You went from 11 to 3 and think about how good you felt about yourself during that time. Stop right now beating yourself up about your slip up and focus on the success you had and CAN have again. Just go one hour at a time and start again.
GOD BLESS YOU!
Shel
I am so sorry to hear you had difficulties. I have been taking MS Contin for four years and have just decided today to stop. I am tapering off, with the help of my Dr. I am so scared! I totally understand what your are going thru as i am sure most people on this forum. The only thing i know to help you is to suggest prayer. I know it sounds cheesy, but in the end he is all we have.
Honestly, you did it before and you can do it again. You went from 11 to 3 and think about how good you felt about yourself during that time. Stop right now beating yourself up about your slip up and focus on the success you had and CAN have again. Just go one hour at a time and start again.
GOD BLESS YOU!
Shel
Dear sunflower I'm glad to hear your Dr is going to help.There are alot of Dr that give that stuff out like candy.I have had that a couple times(given to me by a friend)Thankfully I never got hooked on that which for me is rare.Are you going to wean down at home or a hospital.I have heard of something called a 24hour detox but I don't know too much about that.Anyways good luck and if I can help in anyway please let me know.....mollyjean
Christina,
I have been where you are, however, my addiction to pills led me into a methadone center where I have been for about 7 years. I just could not stop taking those pills. I am detoxing right now from 65 miligrams of methadone to 25 miligrams. I am doing ok, but it's tough. I am a single mother of an 8 year old little girl. I had alot of emotional problems and I was quite lonely, then I started seeing a psychiatrist and it wasn't until then that I realized that a big part of it is mental. He prescribed me xanax for panic attacks, which is frequent in methadone withdrawal. The problems there is you have to take the xanax exactly as it is prescribed. You can't start abusing the xanax. I am having to take other medications to deal with the methadone withdrawal symtoms such as, phenergan (for the vomiting and nausea), muscle relaxers for the cramping & aching and then the xanax helps me sleep. I have to be very willfull and not get addicted to the other medications I'm taking. I had to go this route because I could not get over the symtoms on my own. I still had to work, and maintain my house, and take care of my child. But, in can be done. It takes work but I can get clean. I have been trying to take care of myself and eat right and work out and sweat some of that crap out of my body. Hang in there, it is diferent for everyone, you just have to find out what is best for you. Find some other type of release. You might feel like hell, but when you see it in your childrens face, that they know mommy is better, it's all worth it.
Good luck
I have been where you are, however, my addiction to pills led me into a methadone center where I have been for about 7 years. I just could not stop taking those pills. I am detoxing right now from 65 miligrams of methadone to 25 miligrams. I am doing ok, but it's tough. I am a single mother of an 8 year old little girl. I had alot of emotional problems and I was quite lonely, then I started seeing a psychiatrist and it wasn't until then that I realized that a big part of it is mental. He prescribed me xanax for panic attacks, which is frequent in methadone withdrawal. The problems there is you have to take the xanax exactly as it is prescribed. You can't start abusing the xanax. I am having to take other medications to deal with the methadone withdrawal symtoms such as, phenergan (for the vomiting and nausea), muscle relaxers for the cramping & aching and then the xanax helps me sleep. I have to be very willfull and not get addicted to the other medications I'm taking. I had to go this route because I could not get over the symtoms on my own. I still had to work, and maintain my house, and take care of my child. But, in can be done. It takes work but I can get clean. I have been trying to take care of myself and eat right and work out and sweat some of that crap out of my body. Hang in there, it is diferent for everyone, you just have to find out what is best for you. Find some other type of release. You might feel like hell, but when you see it in your childrens face, that they know mommy is better, it's all worth it.
Good luck
Marlene, that was very nice of you to share your story with me. I am also a single mother of 2 boys. One is 9 and the other is 4. I do have a wonderful fiancee who is willing to take the boys in as his own, and i trust him with them as i should, i have known him my whole life. We used to live down the street from each other and hang out everday when we were kids.
I dont think i can put myself away somewhere though. I dont think i could do that to my family. My fiancee has a job and then his own buisiness to run and he couldnt take the kids on 24/7 like that. I would realy be putting to much on him then.
How did you do it?? Who takes your daughter.??
Christina(friend)
I dont think i can put myself away somewhere though. I dont think i could do that to my family. My fiancee has a job and then his own buisiness to run and he couldnt take the kids on 24/7 like that. I would realy be putting to much on him then.
How did you do it?? Who takes your daughter.??
Christina(friend)
