I have been going to aa religiously every day for the past 6 months but can't even get 60 days sober. I go days without thinking about a drink but then Bam! there it is in my head and it won't get out. I have messed up so many times. I just emailed my sponsor and told her to drop me because I can't even get step 1. I'm taking a break from aa because I'm embarrassed to go back there every time and say "i have one day" Ugh. Plus, I never really connected with anyone in there. I always felt like an outsider. I know this probably isn't true, just my alcoholic brain talking. Anyway, It feels so hopeless like I will never recover. I just want to feel good, that is why I use. But it doesn't feel good. I feel like a worthless piece of garbage right now. My home group is so fed up with me (and I don't blame them.) Well it felt good to spell out my feelings. Thanks for listening.
What do you care what others think? The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking, you know that. You also know that you've got to give up control to win, right? Fire your sponsor and find another. Fire your group and get another. The fact that you can go ONE day to the next should be something to hold onto, not beat yourself up for. You KNOW it works if YOU work it (not your sponsor), so maybe it's time to quit snatching the power back? Or maybe you need to go out there and do some more research and hit bottom a little harder? Sounds like a "you" thing and as long as "you" are driving can you expect different results?
Erika, I too tried and tried to quit but ended up failing miserably. I wanted to be free soo badly too. I knew I needed to quit; I could see that things were getting worse and worse yet still I kept drinking. It wasn't until I was prepared to admit to myself that I could not control my drinking, that the drink had control of my life that things changed. If you have been to AA, I'm sure you have heard this, I think its step one. Have you found the willingness to admit and accept the fact that you are powerless over alcohol? I'm not an AAer, but for me this step was the key.
Don't give up, miracles do happen if you are willing.. stay in touch , keep posting and let us know how you are doing....
one day at a time Cookster
Don't give up, miracles do happen if you are willing.. stay in touch , keep posting and let us know how you are doing....
one day at a time Cookster
Oh Erika, please don't give up. I too was one of those constant relapsers. It seemed like right around the 30, 60 90 days. You don;t have to let anyone know how much cleantime you have. Each of us only has today to think about. Every time you go back out, you don't lose the knowledge that you have gained. Please don't stop before the miracle happens. This time, maybe something else will click in and work for you. Hang in there.
Dawn
Dawn
Thank you all. That s just what I needed right now a little encouragement. I won't give up but I need a break from AA. I feel like a hypocrite going in there every day. This is so hard and the feelings that go along with this disease are just awful. I am really in a confusing place right now. The only comfort is that other alcoholics know how I feel and I am not alone.
Dawn said, "You don't have to let anyone know how much cleantime you have,"
and, "Don't stop before the miracle happens."
This is a defining statement, too. The sobriety chips and benchmarks are that: Scooby snacks for those of us that have to set intermediate goals: I call them, "The next shiny object," because they give me something to attain. What *I* have found is that the closer I get to my 6 months, the less important it suddenly has become because it's no longer necessary for me to prove anything. To anyone (but myself). I'm pleased to be sober just for today--tomorrow's a gift and I can't anticipate what's going to happen tomorrow--I gotta focus on me, myself, and my sobriety just for now.
You know, there USED to be "wet" meetings (according to OLD OLD timers) where folks would be coming into meetings completely s***-faced and, as long as they listened quietly and didn't disrupt, they were welcomed to stay. "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking." It doesn't say that little-miss-Mary-who-comes-twice-a-week holds the key to your sobriety.
Dawn said, "Don't stop before the next miracle," and I'm sure you've heard it before, but it's something to think about. Just because you want to snatch the control back--and you're realizing the consequences of it--doesn't mean that you can't be sober. It only means that you need to work it. You know this.
You said, "This is so hard and the feelings that go along with this disease are just awful." They don't get better when you're in the ditch peering UP over the curb at life, either. Fire your sponsor and find another; Show up here regularly; Forget about the chip system and just leave the first drink alone for today. I know that if *I* obsess long enough I could talk myself right back into the ditch, so I have to keep my mind occupied. Evidenced by the tons of posts here (and other stuff), I've come to find that this forum and the people that post here--new and old--are another kind of group for me. I even have a sponsor here! Now that may be back-assward for someone's liking, but it works for ME. And right now, today, I'm all about ME, MY Higher Power, and MY sobriety.
The thing about this whole journey, for ME, is that I can't unlearn what I've come to know--and I KNOW it works because this is the longest I have EVER been sober. E.V.E.R.! And I know I simply would not enjoy the type of life I'd been living just a few short months ago because I'd KNOW that I could be feeling so much better, be at peace with those around me, and be at a place that I can only describe as serenity.
Keep coming back.
and, "Don't stop before the miracle happens."
This is a defining statement, too. The sobriety chips and benchmarks are that: Scooby snacks for those of us that have to set intermediate goals: I call them, "The next shiny object," because they give me something to attain. What *I* have found is that the closer I get to my 6 months, the less important it suddenly has become because it's no longer necessary for me to prove anything. To anyone (but myself). I'm pleased to be sober just for today--tomorrow's a gift and I can't anticipate what's going to happen tomorrow--I gotta focus on me, myself, and my sobriety just for now.
You know, there USED to be "wet" meetings (according to OLD OLD timers) where folks would be coming into meetings completely s***-faced and, as long as they listened quietly and didn't disrupt, they were welcomed to stay. "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking." It doesn't say that little-miss-Mary-who-comes-twice-a-week holds the key to your sobriety.
Dawn said, "Don't stop before the next miracle," and I'm sure you've heard it before, but it's something to think about. Just because you want to snatch the control back--and you're realizing the consequences of it--doesn't mean that you can't be sober. It only means that you need to work it. You know this.
You said, "This is so hard and the feelings that go along with this disease are just awful." They don't get better when you're in the ditch peering UP over the curb at life, either. Fire your sponsor and find another; Show up here regularly; Forget about the chip system and just leave the first drink alone for today. I know that if *I* obsess long enough I could talk myself right back into the ditch, so I have to keep my mind occupied. Evidenced by the tons of posts here (and other stuff), I've come to find that this forum and the people that post here--new and old--are another kind of group for me. I even have a sponsor here! Now that may be back-assward for someone's liking, but it works for ME. And right now, today, I'm all about ME, MY Higher Power, and MY sobriety.
The thing about this whole journey, for ME, is that I can't unlearn what I've come to know--and I KNOW it works because this is the longest I have EVER been sober. E.V.E.R.! And I know I simply would not enjoy the type of life I'd been living just a few short months ago because I'd KNOW that I could be feeling so much better, be at peace with those around me, and be at a place that I can only describe as serenity.
Keep coming back.
Gidday Erika
I know of a guy in AA called Rob who relapsed so much he called himself relapse Rob for 3 years he turned up in all states and we all new there but for the grace of god go i........then one day it just clicked in a meeting and he heard something that he had heard a thousand times before but it just clicked and he stayed sober now when he stopped he was living on the street and had a rubbish bag full of clothes now he has built a house and got married and has been sober for years.......one day at a time
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful, no one in AA should be smug as i am only sober today and if you are too then we are sober the same amount of time and if we do enough of them they add up
I have seen many people come and goe and i would rather sit next to a drunk person in a meeting than read there name inside the back page of the paper.
Believe me fake it till you make it keep going and if need be share about the desire to stop drinking at a meeting and your ears and heart will hear what you need as long as your a#s is in a chair at a meeting, you owe yourself the chance at sobriety:)
light and love Zac
I know of a guy in AA called Rob who relapsed so much he called himself relapse Rob for 3 years he turned up in all states and we all new there but for the grace of god go i........then one day it just clicked in a meeting and he heard something that he had heard a thousand times before but it just clicked and he stayed sober now when he stopped he was living on the street and had a rubbish bag full of clothes now he has built a house and got married and has been sober for years.......one day at a time
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful, no one in AA should be smug as i am only sober today and if you are too then we are sober the same amount of time and if we do enough of them they add up
I have seen many people come and goe and i would rather sit next to a drunk person in a meeting than read there name inside the back page of the paper.
Believe me fake it till you make it keep going and if need be share about the desire to stop drinking at a meeting and your ears and heart will hear what you need as long as your a#s is in a chair at a meeting, you owe yourself the chance at sobriety:)
light and love Zac
My Sponsor tells me it's not my business what anyone else thinks of me. I wanted to be sober for over twenty years and wasn't graced with the gift of sobriety until almost 4 years ago. At the meetings that I go to they say "keep coming back" and they mean it...it takes what it takes...it's part of your story and when the newcomer comes in, you will be able to share your experience, strength and hope with them.
