I hate my life. I try to be calm and play peacemaker and last night I just flipped. I couldn't take it anymore. It was midnight and all I wanted to do was sit down, watch at little tv and eat a piece of apple pie.
Then my older son came home after being away for the weekend for work. Eyes wide,wide open, jumpy as a cat, claimed he hadn't slept in 2 days because of work. His job is to drive his boss to his party estate where cocaine, pills and whatever you want is laid out on the tables like normal people lay out bowls of potato chips. I know that for a fact because my other son, who's now a cop worked for that boss for a few days and that's why he quit. Anyway, I've found little tiny baggies with white powdery residue inside my son Chris's pockets. I know he's doing cocaine of something like that but he swears he's not of course. So anyway, last night he comes home wild eyes and tells me his watch is missing, and someone's gone through his drawers. Now G, the child who's on oxy sleeps down there. So did G steal the watch? Or is Chris being paranoid from a weekend of drug use? Chris has also accused me at times of going through his room and his drawers and I never did.
Chris swears he called the house before he came home to tell G to pick him up from work, but I was home all day and I know I didn't miss any phone calls. I checked both phones and Chris's number wasn't on caller ID on either of them. They went back and forth. G swearing he didn't steal the watch, Chris arguing with him. I kinda believe G.. and I kept telling Chris to just wait til the morning and we'll look for it and he just wouldn't stop. I lost it. I threw my apple pie across the room, got up and just swiped everything on the counters, tables onto the floor. I was yelling but I have no idea what I was saying. I just totally lost it. I can't deal with this s*** anymore. I'm afraid to throw Chris out because he's got custody of my grandson who lives here also. I'm the primary caregiver of my 13 yr old grandson who's doing very well in school and has many friends, thank God.. I've had him since he's been born. His mom lost custody of him and his brothers from different dads because of her drug abuse. I can't believe I lost it like that. It's just not me. Thanks for letting me vent. There's no one else I can talk to.
I'm not one to give advice because I am very new to not enabling but I wish you all the best in working on your boundaries because they are really being pushed. I will say this...you deserve to live in a safe, happy home, just as I do. It's not easy to make the tough decisions. Hugs to you! You are not alone!
Hi The Mom, Don't feel bad or mad at yourself. I have been there too. As far as I am concerned it's okay for us to lose it and why not. We're going through a living hell. I'm so glad I found this website it's a great help. We are all here for each other. "ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL". We can all get through this together. God Bless!
Hi mom, can I call you mom ? But after you lost it, what did Chris and g say at that? You didn't mention. If that isn't in your nature and you believe that you losing it put a look of shock on both of they're faces then that's good!! Because now Chris knows your getting fed up to the point of you blowing your top. Your getting tired of his wide eye poopy life style. That's good. I say. Because he got to see a different side of you. And one addict to another (him and I), I bet he's thinking differently about you. I bet he's not only kinda scared now but also he should feel a little upset at himself because -because of him you popped your top. Understand, I hope I didn't confuse you because I kinda confused myself. I'm sorry,I'm not trying to make fun of the situation. I just have a different kind of way with words and quotes and phrases and how I put them all together. I'm sorry, I know I said it's good you had that episode. Because you got some balled up anger out but if your grandson heard or saw, that might of made him also see you in that different way that he won't really understand until he gets older. I'm sorry mom, keep your chin up and keep posting. We are all here for you and each other.
