Hi everyone, I'm just going to babble now, and try to get some insight and input on the situation I'm facing. I've been with my hubby for 8 years married for 3, we have two boys, 5 and 2. I knew getting into the relationship that he was a pot smoker, and that was never an issue for me, whatever. I also knew he had used harder drugs in the past, but that was high school (he is 34 and I'm 32). His parents found out about the pot in high school, confronted him, had him in counceling, mandatory drug tests, etc...He fooled them all. He never quit the pot, but they thought he had all these years...Last year at our staff x-mas party, I found out he did coke, but told the girls he did it with not to tell me, then he went and offered it to another girl (his best friend), well, the girls told me, I was pissed, stupid, and stubborn, and figured I'd show him, and used it for the first time ever in my life. From then it was a occasional thing for us (I thought) and something we agreed only to do together. Off and on, we probably used about a dozen times together, then comes Jan this year, I had some seroius family issues with my father being ill, I was distracted from hubby, dealing with dad and kids took alot of my time I guess, he felt neglected and started using alot more. I confronted him about it in Jan, which incidentally was the last time I used, he said he realized it was becoming a problem and agreed to quit with me. I thought things were getting better. WRONG!!! I suspected he was using again by mid to end of Feb, and confronted him with evidence in Mar, told him I was done lying for him to his parents, and anyone else who would ask why he is so skinny, what is wrong with him, is he doing drugs. That I thought had done the trick and he had stopped using, WRONG!!! April he was still going strong, we went and saw our marriage councellor on a tues, he gave a commitment to stop using by fri, if I gave a commitment to start warming up to him again. I agreed, On Thur night his mother called me all upset, said she suspects he is using drugs, what is he on, I debated with myself to tell her or not, I gave up and told her the truth, all of it, that he had never stopped. Everything went downhill from there. I feel like a sh*t for betraying him, I don't regret doing it though because I felt I needed help with the situation, I have 2 kids to look after, and don't need an addict on top of it, I couldn't do it by myself anymore. So, I'm the evil one, his mom believes I'm the reason he is using because I'm such a horrible wife. He feels he is not addicted, therefore doesn't need treatment, he is constantly fighting with his parents now. He says he wants us to work it out, but he is still using. The only thing he says he needs is my support and emotional help for him to stop using. The only reason he is considering stopping is because he doesn't like what it is doing to our family, not because he has a problem. He just like the way he feels on it. We have had many fights, he barely comes home, (which I'm really starting not to mind, because I never know what kind of mood he will be in when he comes home), we've talked seperation (he is against that it is either together or divorce), a detox program is not an option for him. The lastest one is really good though, He would like me and the kids to go on a family vacation for 3 or 4 weeks down south (we live in BC), so we can reconnect and he won't be able to use because we will be together 24/7. I told him I need to consider this carefully, I don't trust him, and quite frankly, I don't think it will be healthy for the kids, he flies off the deep end and prints of divorce papers from the internet, saying it is either a family trip or divorce. I offer one last tidbit, I'll agree to consider this if he agree to see an addiction physican. In order to do that he needed a referral from our GP, he went today, talked to our GP, don't know what he said, but never did get the referral, apparently our GP didn't think detox was necessary, I ask him to supply me with a drug test, he said to give him a week first, I don't get it. I don't know what to do. He calls me crying, telling me he loves me and the kids, then threatens divorce, says he hasn't used since the weekend. I feel like an idiot, I don't trust him, I don't believe him, but it is hard when he is crying on the phone. I don't know what I'm asking for here, either opinions, advice, help, any sort of comments I guess, this is all so knew to me. I really apologize for the length of this, this is really the first vent I've really done, and I just don't know where else I can do this. I really appreciate any of you who finished reading this post, I know it is long winded. Thank you
Hey!
I thought I was the only one going through these problems.But after reading a few messages I was suprised that there are so many people with the same problems as mine.My husband is "playing" the same kind of game.He always gets high when he gets his paycheck.Next day is completely broke.And of course he dissapears for days,stays at his cousin's or whatever.He calls me up after a couple of days,tells me he needs help,is all depressed,wants to quit.He says he is confused.He says he loves me and cannot imagine life without me etc.He is very defensive about anything I confront him about.We get into an argument or fight and all of a sudden he hates me and it's over between us.It is a constant battle.He gets home,then he leaves when he doesn't like when I confront him.So he just runs out on me and says "forget about it".Then calls me on the phone and apologizes and we talk and then again concludes we cannot work it out.It's a partial example of a picture of our relationship.We have separated several times because of his cocaine use.It has gotten absolutely unbearable to me.I just cannot deal with it anymore.I am emotionally drained.I just don't even wanna think about it.I have done everything I possibly could to help him out-from talking to screaming,from being loving to being nasty,from sending him to a rehab to "partying" with him,from praying for him to hating him and the list goes on and on.But at this point,just as hard as I've tried,my body and my mind just cannot take it anymore.I feel like his cocaine addiction,and me trying so hard to work it out and help him and help our relationship;it has absolutely been draining all my energy.The fact that whether we are together or not keeps changing from day to day.It's like yesterday we love each other and today he hates me...It's like..."Hellooooooo! Make up your mind already!So that I can either go on with my life or we make it work!" I love him very much,but I have no more strenght to give him anymore love,since he has drained it all from me.I'd prefer we be together but the thought of going through this make up and break up thing is just way too overwhelming.It literally hurts my brain from just thinking about it.He is very manipulative,even about the smallest things.He is always lying about everything especially his whereabouts and where his money goes.He makes really good money and he always owes people money.We've been together on and off for about 7 years.Since that time he probably spent enough money on drugs to buy us 4 mercedes' or half of a house paid all cash.I don't even know if it makes any sense what I just have said.That's how messed up I feel inside from this whole situation! Oh,God,I gotta go.......
I thought I was the only one going through these problems.But after reading a few messages I was suprised that there are so many people with the same problems as mine.My husband is "playing" the same kind of game.He always gets high when he gets his paycheck.Next day is completely broke.And of course he dissapears for days,stays at his cousin's or whatever.He calls me up after a couple of days,tells me he needs help,is all depressed,wants to quit.He says he is confused.He says he loves me and cannot imagine life without me etc.He is very defensive about anything I confront him about.We get into an argument or fight and all of a sudden he hates me and it's over between us.It is a constant battle.He gets home,then he leaves when he doesn't like when I confront him.So he just runs out on me and says "forget about it".Then calls me on the phone and apologizes and we talk and then again concludes we cannot work it out.It's a partial example of a picture of our relationship.We have separated several times because of his cocaine use.It has gotten absolutely unbearable to me.I just cannot deal with it anymore.I am emotionally drained.I just don't even wanna think about it.I have done everything I possibly could to help him out-from talking to screaming,from being loving to being nasty,from sending him to a rehab to "partying" with him,from praying for him to hating him and the list goes on and on.But at this point,just as hard as I've tried,my body and my mind just cannot take it anymore.I feel like his cocaine addiction,and me trying so hard to work it out and help him and help our relationship;it has absolutely been draining all my energy.The fact that whether we are together or not keeps changing from day to day.It's like yesterday we love each other and today he hates me...It's like..."Hellooooooo! Make up your mind already!So that I can either go on with my life or we make it work!" I love him very much,but I have no more strenght to give him anymore love,since he has drained it all from me.I'd prefer we be together but the thought of going through this make up and break up thing is just way too overwhelming.It literally hurts my brain from just thinking about it.He is very manipulative,even about the smallest things.He is always lying about everything especially his whereabouts and where his money goes.He makes really good money and he always owes people money.We've been together on and off for about 7 years.Since that time he probably spent enough money on drugs to buy us 4 mercedes' or half of a house paid all cash.I don't even know if it makes any sense what I just have said.That's how messed up I feel inside from this whole situation! Oh,God,I gotta go.......
Thank you for responding, I'm truly sorry you are going through this as well, it really does suck!!! I too am sick of the roller coaster, I just don't know how to get off. I've been called the "Ice Queen" because I can't show any emotion towards him anymore, no matter how hard I try, I've been accused of not taking any steps to rectify our situation, so again last night I tried, I invited him out to dinner, he was 1 hour late, and I don't know but can only assume he was high, then after dinner, he leaves to go out and find some of his high school buddies and party. I go home to bed, the he comes home at 2:00am and tries to get frisky, I say I can't, because I don't trust him, he admitted to lying to me about his usuage the night before, I don't know what he did after dinner when he went out, so I refuse intimacey (it is now been 2 months of no sexual contact, very frustrating, but I can't be intimate with someone I don't trust and he doesn't get it). He leaves in a huff, saying I'm the one pushing us apart because I'm not trying to keep us together. I want to get off this ride, but with 2 kids, and the fact that somewhere inside I do love and miss the man I fell in love with. I just don't get why it is always my fault.