Ok y'all. . .I'm not sure what I need right now. Or even how I feel. I guess I'm confused. And I'm trying to make sense of things.
My girl's drug of choice is heroin, or so I thought. Last month while I was cleaning her room I found the tell-tale wax wrappers. When she went to her first detox this year, I was there for the interview. I heard her say that heroin was her thing. When she OD'd earlier in the day on 8.29, it was from heroin. She was narcan'd and came back. So, I assumed that when she passed later that day it was from a heroin OD. Well. . .I was wrong. The medical examiner called. She didn't have heroin in her system. She passed due to carfentanil and cocaine.
Cocaine????!!!
I'm confused. I don't understand. I thought that if your drug of choice was X that's what you used. If it is heroin, that's what you want. . . meth won't do. If you are a pothead, you are not going to accept crack instead. Even in a pinch. This made sense in my little mind. I'm a vodka drinker. If there is no vodka (and no GOOD vodka for that matter) I'll drink water or nothing at all. I don't want Jack Daniels. I won't take rum instead. I want vodka. OR. . . I smoke cigs for years and years. (Planning to quit this weekend.) Newports. If there are no Newports, I'd rather not smoke. I'd prefer a Newport short over a Newport long. . .but this is all in the Newport family. . .I don't want a Marlboro or Salem. So I don't get it. If her thing was heroin, why cocaine? I just don't understand.
Remember. . .the first time she ever OD'd was in July 2016. And then there was no heroin in her system either. Then she OD'd on crack and Xanax. So . . .does this mean that she "kicked" her heroin habit? Does this mean that her addiction morphed?
I'm mad at my girl. It's not like I didn't tell her about dope often & frequently: what it would do to you and what you would do for it. I told her she would sell her TV and her body to get high from anything that had a recipe; she would lose her home and her friends, her job and her teeth. (Yes, I always told her to smoke weed if she wanted to get high but to stay far awau from anything that had a recipe.) When she OD'd in July and I learned what she was doing for extra money (we were still sending an allowance at that time), I reminded her of my warnings. She admitted that I was on target with everything that I said. I then reminded her then that she was playing Russian Roulette with dope. . .that the s**t that she craved could be cut with anything white. . .rat poisoning, lactose, fentanyl . . .and she wouldn't know until she used it . . .and she could wake up and find herself dead. Why didn't she believe me that death was a possibility? That no one aims to OD and die? I just don't understand.
Now that carfentanyl is out and about. . .why would you run the risk of running into it? I doubt few folks take it knowingly. But the fact is that there has been a rash of deaths due to this in Ohio, Florida, Indiana & Europe. It is 10,000 times more potent than morphine. Hell, it is a tranquilizer for large animals. I read somewhere that 2 mg can knock out a 2,000 pound African elephant. Addiction just got seriously dangerous. This would give me impetus to quit. Right? I just don't understand.
I don't understand why dealers would cut with carfentanyl. I thought that selling drugs was a business. . .and that you want return customers. I heard that an amount equal to the head on a pin will kill a person. Why use this stuff to cut? You ain't going to have repeat customers. . . you are going to have dead customers. I wouldn't think that death is a selling point. I don't think that addicts are telling each other, "Yo man. . .go see RayRay. I heard he has the GOOD stuff. . .so good that it killed Susie. I'm gonna see him today."
I keep thinking that maybe if she did not return to Florida & Mr. Wonderful, she may have had a chance. . .or at least lived longer than 21 years. My not enabling and detaching with love didn't make life uncomfortable for her; it didn't make her hit rock bottom; it didn't make her grow up, become responsible and chose sobriety. Not enabling & detaching with love made life more comfortable for ME. It made me feel better that I wasn't participating in her addiction. And it made me feel good that I didn't pay for her August ODs. At times, though, I secretly wonder if she knows how much I love her and that it hurt me to the bone to say, "No," to stop sending an allowance, and to ignore her "requests" for food/bus card/clothes. . .fill in the blank. I feel guilty for this today.
'Nough Said.
Peace, love & hugs,
Lynn
I'm so sorry for your loss. I had no idea you lost a daughter. She knew you loved her. Hold onto that thought. I am sure she did.
Thanks Parenting. Our ending is not a happy one. . .but it is a possible one as long as our addicts use.
Yes, I received the dreaded call . . . the visit from the police . . I am living our worst fear. Most of the time I am strong & tough as nails. Most of the time I am a firm believer in tough love. Tonight. . .I guess I'm having a pity party. Trying to make sense of something that I may never understand. Trying to wrap my arms around and accept her heroin (or whatever) addiction. Trying to not be afraid to admit to anyone & everyone that addiction killed her.
It happened so quickly, Parenting. Out of the last 7 years, she was sober at least 2.5 years. . .from 14 to 15 1/2 yo she was addicted to pills/booze and was running away. 15 1/2 until about 18 yo she was clean & sober. She was an honor student, in fact. I naively thought she was "cured" although I encouraged her to go to AA/NA meetings, and/or find a therapist when she went away to college. She entered college in Sept 2013 clean & sober. We pulled her out in Dec 2015 because we didn't believe that a GPA of D stood for Dandy. When she left she had already fallen head over heals in love with heroin. We brought her home.
We didn't see or feel her addiction because she was away at school . . .but since January 2016 we've been dealing with that tsunami. The lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, cursing, sneaking. She knew better than to raise a hand to either me or her dad, or to trash our house. So, I've been where many of you are. My girl, hubby and I were just on the fast track.
Lynn
Yes, I received the dreaded call . . . the visit from the police . . I am living our worst fear. Most of the time I am strong & tough as nails. Most of the time I am a firm believer in tough love. Tonight. . .I guess I'm having a pity party. Trying to make sense of something that I may never understand. Trying to wrap my arms around and accept her heroin (or whatever) addiction. Trying to not be afraid to admit to anyone & everyone that addiction killed her.
It happened so quickly, Parenting. Out of the last 7 years, she was sober at least 2.5 years. . .from 14 to 15 1/2 yo she was addicted to pills/booze and was running away. 15 1/2 until about 18 yo she was clean & sober. She was an honor student, in fact. I naively thought she was "cured" although I encouraged her to go to AA/NA meetings, and/or find a therapist when she went away to college. She entered college in Sept 2013 clean & sober. We pulled her out in Dec 2015 because we didn't believe that a GPA of D stood for Dandy. When she left she had already fallen head over heals in love with heroin. We brought her home.
We didn't see or feel her addiction because she was away at school . . .but since January 2016 we've been dealing with that tsunami. The lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, cursing, sneaking. She knew better than to raise a hand to either me or her dad, or to trash our house. So, I've been where many of you are. My girl, hubby and I were just on the fast track.
Lynn
I am so sorry to hear all of this. My brother was addicted to heroin ,but I was too young to really understand. I just remember him being sick. He did go to treatment but died in a car accident during treatment. I also lost another brother unrelated to addiction.
I think that is another layer of why I am taking this so hard. We lost the 2 boys and my son was the first grandson, nephew, etc. The first boy after them. To see him doing this. Today, I was driving home and I thought, at least my Dad did not live to see this. He started saving for my son's college when he was a baby.
The whole drug thing is just so sad. Again, I am sorry to hear you lost your daughter. Hugs.
I think that is another layer of why I am taking this so hard. We lost the 2 boys and my son was the first grandson, nephew, etc. The first boy after them. To see him doing this. Today, I was driving home and I thought, at least my Dad did not live to see this. He started saving for my son's college when he was a baby.
The whole drug thing is just so sad. Again, I am sorry to hear you lost your daughter. Hugs.
Lynn...I've got tears in my eyes reading this..I don't know you nor did I know your daughter but i know what it's like to be an addict... please know that your daughter knew she loved you. Detaching (or not) will definitely make an addict say horrible horrbible things especially to the ones we love and deep down KNOW love us. I've done it with my mom and she's always been massive enabler...witnessed my boyfriend to his mother (not an enabler) say even more horrible things when he couldn't score..but I would see the guilt in him even when he was using (heroin) the guilt and shame we often feel for ourselves (and desperation to fix) turns to the ugliest projection on those we love. Like the saying 'hurt people hurt people'....as far as the coke and other drugs you mentioned my b/f would do speedballs or just speed if couldn't get heroin. I don't know if your an alcoholic but vodka was my drink...I am.. so if i didn't have vodka Jack would do..I'm a Newport smoker also (long ones though) but if I'm out I'll definitely take one of my boyfriends camel's....I just might not smoke the whole thing..my heart goes out to you and imagine you are questioning everything...but please remember your daughter knew you loved her... -mk
Lynn,
I'm not exactly sure why but my son would do heroin and cocaine together also when he could get it. Maybe Con might have more insight into why.
I'm so sorry you're feeling guilt and anger. I don't think it's abnormal to feel that way though. It will never be fair that drugs took your baby from you. Never.
Hugs and love,
Michelle
I'm not exactly sure why but my son would do heroin and cocaine together also when he could get it. Maybe Con might have more insight into why.
I'm so sorry you're feeling guilt and anger. I don't think it's abnormal to feel that way though. It will never be fair that drugs took your baby from you. Never.
Hugs and love,
Michelle
I think drugs users are very opportunistic. They use what is available. They must have preferences and become physically addicted to whatever they use most, but I am just guessing here. I think they may somewhat be addicted to the feeling of being high or maybe even the lifestyle and not just physically addicted. I don't think my son is very particular and when he gets stoned or drunk, his judgement is even worse. Sometimes he doesn't even remember taking stuff.
I know you must have many 'what ifs' going through your mind. I can't keep my thoughts quiet for long. Detaching with love is strongly attached to guilt. It does feel many times like you are doing it for yourself, but what are the other choices. Keep helping them until one of you dies? I think it is the better choice among many bad choices. I think most parents detach because they have tried everything else. Smart ones do it earlier than later.
Parents can not be expected to give up their life, values and everything they have worked for....and often their sanity. A child is not entitled to ruin your life because they are your child. There are so many emotions involved but if you take those out of the equation and think of parent and child as individual people, not joined at the hip. It gets clearer. Would you let someone other than a child create that much havoc in your life. Probably not...you would set boundaries or detach in a flash. It is the love and family attachments that cloud our thinking.
So much sadness comes from drug use. I cry every time I think of you and your daughter. It could be any of us in your shoes. We just have to muddle through and do the best we can as parents. Things we do don't always work out but it is not because we all didn't do our best. That is all we can do is our best. Things happen and life just sucks that way.
I know you must have many 'what ifs' going through your mind. I can't keep my thoughts quiet for long. Detaching with love is strongly attached to guilt. It does feel many times like you are doing it for yourself, but what are the other choices. Keep helping them until one of you dies? I think it is the better choice among many bad choices. I think most parents detach because they have tried everything else. Smart ones do it earlier than later.
Parents can not be expected to give up their life, values and everything they have worked for....and often their sanity. A child is not entitled to ruin your life because they are your child. There are so many emotions involved but if you take those out of the equation and think of parent and child as individual people, not joined at the hip. It gets clearer. Would you let someone other than a child create that much havoc in your life. Probably not...you would set boundaries or detach in a flash. It is the love and family attachments that cloud our thinking.
So much sadness comes from drug use. I cry every time I think of you and your daughter. It could be any of us in your shoes. We just have to muddle through and do the best we can as parents. Things we do don't always work out but it is not because we all didn't do our best. That is all we can do is our best. Things happen and life just sucks that way.
As an addict: we will use whatever we can get our hands on. The point is to change the way we feel...to change our reality...doesnt matter what the substance is....we don't think that far ahead.
After saying all of that, I forgot to say that I think you did the right thing. You can't force someone to change but you can protect yourself. She knew you loved her and she was a smart girl, so she knew why you did what you did. The love between you two was part of who she was and it was never forgotten. She just got a bit lost for awhile.
God...I've written this 3 times already and have lost it...grrr...ok...so...my preferred drug is heroin...however. ..I like to mix it with coke sometimes. ..speedball...I might have to use heroin to stay well at times...but I 'll try other stuff too...might be heroin just isn't right for the task at hand...or I need to back off a nod...or...my primary dealer isnt around. .or it went dry...you need to understand first...that were not afraid. ..not afraid to mix...or try other drugs...we're concientious. ..as far as what we think our chemistry can handle..or we try...but the fear...it's different. ..ever notice how we hate or refuse to take doctor drugs ?...it's part of it...nothing will change us doing a variety of stuff...we're wired into our skin so to speak...enabling only makes it easier to keep experimenting...to keep expanding our intake...does this help...?
Con
Con
Thank you all for the love. I so appreciate it from everyone!!! All of your words touched my wounded heart, healed my soul and quieted the questions and doubts . . .so that I was able to function today. Thank you.
I do know that SHE recognized when we stopped enabling. She specifically used that term. I wish, of course, by not enabling it would have had a positive effect. . .on her and her behavior. I guess she wasn't uncomfortable long enough. . .she never got tired of being sick and tired. . .
Yes, Con & Jen. . .I get it a lot more now. Even though I smoke & drink, apparently I'm not an addict. (I say this with a smile & a sigh of relief.) Yea. . .I've smoked cigs for well over 25 years. But I won't take a non-mentholated cig no matter what. Yea, if push came to shove I'd take a few puffs from a mentholated cig but I want my Newport short. And, I'm looking for variety or a different taste. Alcohol? I can drink with the best of them. My beverage of choice for last 20 years has been vodka. If you have Tito's vodka, tho, I ain't drinking it. In fact, I ain't drinking at all. I've said, "Never mind" before. And, while I can be a 4/20 girl occasionally, if there are no happenings . . .oh well. So. . .on a personal level. . .phew. I was worried.
But what about the carfentanyl challenge? Ok. . .from the addict perspective. . .I guess you are fearless. . .and you are willing to spin the wheel because of the monkey on your back. But I still don't get it from the dealers' point of view. I'd think you'd want to stay away from stuff that is guaranteed . . not maybe perhaps. . .BUT definitely guaranteed to kill off your customer base. Not because you have a heart or morals or values. . .not because as a dealer you care about your customers . . .but because it is screwing with your wallet.
Sending hugs & prayers to all,
Lynn
I do know that SHE recognized when we stopped enabling. She specifically used that term. I wish, of course, by not enabling it would have had a positive effect. . .on her and her behavior. I guess she wasn't uncomfortable long enough. . .she never got tired of being sick and tired. . .
Yes, Con & Jen. . .I get it a lot more now. Even though I smoke & drink, apparently I'm not an addict. (I say this with a smile & a sigh of relief.) Yea. . .I've smoked cigs for well over 25 years. But I won't take a non-mentholated cig no matter what. Yea, if push came to shove I'd take a few puffs from a mentholated cig but I want my Newport short. And, I'm looking for variety or a different taste. Alcohol? I can drink with the best of them. My beverage of choice for last 20 years has been vodka. If you have Tito's vodka, tho, I ain't drinking it. In fact, I ain't drinking at all. I've said, "Never mind" before. And, while I can be a 4/20 girl occasionally, if there are no happenings . . .oh well. So. . .on a personal level. . .phew. I was worried.
But what about the carfentanyl challenge? Ok. . .from the addict perspective. . .I guess you are fearless. . .and you are willing to spin the wheel because of the monkey on your back. But I still don't get it from the dealers' point of view. I'd think you'd want to stay away from stuff that is guaranteed . . not maybe perhaps. . .BUT definitely guaranteed to kill off your customer base. Not because you have a heart or morals or values. . .not because as a dealer you care about your customers . . .but because it is screwing with your wallet.
Sending hugs & prayers to all,
Lynn
Lynn--
Sometimes we all have our "down days" and I think it helps us to put things back in perspective. I know several things for sure--
1. You are a compassionate person (who else would offer to take my homeless addicted son's two
chihuahuas) lol
2. Your daughter loved you and she knew you were her champion because in one of your posts you said your daughter told someone" my parents care about me".
3. You help so many people on this board and I am one of them.
4. you are a strong woman
5. no matter what drugs they use or used is irrelevant because they are all bad and dangerous
6. only our addicted sons and daughters can choose to change and unfortunately some don't ever change no matter what lengths we parents go to or how badly our addicted kids want to change
I don't always have the right words to say but I know this-- you are a good mom Lynn!
Sending you a big (((HUG)))---Lori
Sometimes we all have our "down days" and I think it helps us to put things back in perspective. I know several things for sure--
1. You are a compassionate person (who else would offer to take my homeless addicted son's two
chihuahuas) lol
2. Your daughter loved you and she knew you were her champion because in one of your posts you said your daughter told someone" my parents care about me".
3. You help so many people on this board and I am one of them.
4. you are a strong woman
5. no matter what drugs they use or used is irrelevant because they are all bad and dangerous
6. only our addicted sons and daughters can choose to change and unfortunately some don't ever change no matter what lengths we parents go to or how badly our addicted kids want to change
I don't always have the right words to say but I know this-- you are a good mom Lynn!
Sending you a big (((HUG)))---Lori
Hi Lynn, Some may think I'm crazy telling you this. You might think so yourself. But if it brings some comfort to you, then I don't care what people think. I believe in life after death. Not because I'm some sort of a nutcase but because of things I've seen and experienced since I was a little girl. So I want you to know that Jillian will be around you and watching over you. Giving you that little nudge or push when she thinks you need it. Trying to help you manage your days without her in your world. Maybe it's her who pushes you to come on here because she knows while you can't help her anymore there's others who need you. I'll bet she is proud of you the way you help other mothers on here when your own heart is broken. It's so utterly sad her dying at such a young age and so shocking and unfair!! But she knows you tried to move heaven and earth to get her off drugs. You did everything any of us could have done and more! She is at peace now and isn't going through that everyday torture and craving for drugs anymore. She could have went on for years and been battered and worn down by the abuse the drug world throws at them. But a higher power had other plans for her, she was needed elsewhere. She'll always be your little girl no matter what and her loving you will be forever, that will never stop! So when you get to feeling sad and lonely know she's wrapping her arms around you hugging you and trying to tell you she's still there with you. Shes trying to tell you not to worry about her anymore that's she's alright now safe and warm and in Gods care. She's still Jillian only difference is she has wings now and can sore freely wherever her heart takes her and you have your very own angel watching over you now too. We all care about you on here Lynn, your in our hearts and when we see you sad and hurting we hurt too. Take care and God bless.(((Hugs))) Mary.
Between Mary & Lori I'm crying like a baby ...again. Y'all looked inside my heart. Good tears. Tears of being understood. Tears bc the nagging doubt I have of failing her and being a failure of a mom is out in the open. And your words were just right. Damn...you'd think by now I would have mastered the art of crying and typing ...
Thank you guys!!
Lynn
Thank you guys!!
Lynn
Lynn your not a failure! You've never been a failure! Your one tough cookie that's fought tooth and nail for your daughter. I would have done everything you did. I would be the exact same as you are now questioning why. You never did anything wrong. You did the best you could and Jillian knows that too. Your going to be okay! Thank God for you! ((Hugs))Mary
Mary,
You brought tears to my eyes. I believe everything you said. I have felt my grandmother's presence in my life on many occasions and I will go so far as to say I've felt her touch. Whether it's real or not, it's what I want to believe. What good is this life if we don't carry on in another way after we're gone?
Michelle
You brought tears to my eyes. I believe everything you said. I have felt my grandmother's presence in my life on many occasions and I will go so far as to say I've felt her touch. Whether it's real or not, it's what I want to believe. What good is this life if we don't carry on in another way after we're gone?
Michelle
I'm rereading and still boo-hoo'ing. But these tears are cleansing. As I said, they are good tears. Thank you guys. Mwah!!
Love you ALL . . .Everybody who responded to this plea for understanding and comfort . . .for providing a reality check . . .Con, Jen, Sue, Mary, Paula, Michelle, Buggin, Marykat, Parenting. If I missed anyone, I'm sorry. I also love all you guys who have been in my corner since I joined. . . who have prayed for and with me for Jillian's "salvation". . .and who are praying for and with me and my family now. . .this includes you Papa, Mtgirl, NY, Helpless. . .everyone. (I told y'all I can't type & cry.)
What did I say in another post about feeling comfortable bearing my deepest darkest secrets & fears here??!!
Smooches,
Lynn
PS Lori- I really would have taken the dogs!!! And, I really would have arranged for truck-side pick up. For real. For real. ;-)
Love you ALL . . .Everybody who responded to this plea for understanding and comfort . . .for providing a reality check . . .Con, Jen, Sue, Mary, Paula, Michelle, Buggin, Marykat, Parenting. If I missed anyone, I'm sorry. I also love all you guys who have been in my corner since I joined. . . who have prayed for and with me for Jillian's "salvation". . .and who are praying for and with me and my family now. . .this includes you Papa, Mtgirl, NY, Helpless. . .everyone. (I told y'all I can't type & cry.)
What did I say in another post about feeling comfortable bearing my deepest darkest secrets & fears here??!!
Smooches,
Lynn
PS Lori- I really would have taken the dogs!!! And, I really would have arranged for truck-side pick up. For real. For real. ;-)
Dealer could have...and most probably did if he/she was her primary. ..tell her...or...didn't know...or...she bought street...and hoped for the best...could also have been only thing around at time...so she tried it. ..or even...one bag was fine...so she didn't check the other ...lots of factors in play with buying. ..it's a crap shoot sometimes...but as you already know...when were in need. ..we do what we must...remember...she'd been narcan'd...her tolerance shot to hell.. probably hurting. .and no opiates in her system...dealers are not all that big on getting what you need on a short notice...you do what you can find or end up dope sick...simple miscalculation in among a lot of very complicated maneuvering ...the dealer and user have a many layered dance....dealers do have regulars...and do try to keep that going as long as possible. ..but...the dealer usually works for someone else...who works for someone else...etc....and is basically a soldier. ..who ultimately must do as instructed...there's just no way of telling...loyalty lasts only as long as the drugs do...on both sides. ..it's not dependent so much on whose using or whose dealing...it's not personal...and if it's a stronger strain...thats usually more profit...im sorry HM...it's just stuff most of us don't think too much about...stronger usually means better..safe is more about a clean rig....
Hurting mom: No disrespect meant at all but Im curious as to how you have smoked for 25 yrs but don't feel your addicted? Cigarretes are expensive. They kill us. If someone was NOT addicted why wouldn't they quit...knowing full well the horrible consequences of smoking?
Jen-
Just to be clear...all joking aside...
I always felt I have have an addictive personality ... and my smoking shows that. I was (playfully) applying the characteristics of being an addict we were discussing to myself: being open and flexible to substitutions, needing it so badly almost anything will do, ability to say No, etc. And,I was happily reporting, that based on that definition, I wasn't addicted to cigs. As a friend of mine used to say, "Them just jokes, baby."
In all seriousness, I surely do know, as I'm puffing away now on my Newport short, that this is a nasty nasty unhealthy habit ... That I find very difficult to quit...its surely My addiction.
So...no disrespect taken. And, I hope y'all know I wasn't comparing or justifying my addiction to others. I hope I didn't offend any one.
Lynn
Just to be clear...all joking aside...
I always felt I have have an addictive personality ... and my smoking shows that. I was (playfully) applying the characteristics of being an addict we were discussing to myself: being open and flexible to substitutions, needing it so badly almost anything will do, ability to say No, etc. And,I was happily reporting, that based on that definition, I wasn't addicted to cigs. As a friend of mine used to say, "Them just jokes, baby."
In all seriousness, I surely do know, as I'm puffing away now on my Newport short, that this is a nasty nasty unhealthy habit ... That I find very difficult to quit...its surely My addiction.
So...no disrespect taken. And, I hope y'all know I wasn't comparing or justifying my addiction to others. I hope I didn't offend any one.
Lynn
