My husband and I have been married less than a year. We have been together for almost 7 years now. I knew he was an addict before we even became friends because our mothers were best friends for a lot of years. He had quit using after being on meth for 12 years just to gain weight so he could go to prison for 18 months. When he got out, we became a couple. He was sober for 5 years and then he hired a 22 year old kid to work in the yard at his work. That is when my whole life changed. I found out 6 months after he started using cocaine that he got his hands on meth. I had no idea he was on cocaine! The first time I found out that he had done meth was because he did not come home all night and would not answer my calls. Everything went through my mind. I finally called his brother and he had gotten a hold of him and then he told me what he had done. He promised he would never do it again. Unfortunately I believed him. He had just proposed to me I had to believe that he would stop to keep me and the kids in his life. Well, we got married. I know, how stupid right? We went on our honeymoon to Alaska and life was great. We came back and 3 weeks later, he was back to using. His 3-5 day binge which put my world into a tail spin. My kids are teenagers so of course they knew what was going on. Not only that, he smoked meth in his truck with my oldest daughter in it while driving!!!! I could have killed him for that alone and I should have left him. My kids have seen him in the living room watching porn and doing his business. I feel like such a horrible mother because I did not know he was on it. I made him leave until he got sober then I told him that if he wanted to keep his family then he had to go see an addiction specialist. He did that for about a month and then the holidays hit and he could afford it. January 3rd he did it again. This time I kicked him out and he went to a motel. That was very hard. I wanted to help him so much but I knew I was just enabling him by letting him stay. Not only that, I was putting my kids through it again and that was not going to happen. He called me one night at 10pm freaking out. He was hallucinating really bad. I went to where he was staying. That was the hardest thing to watch your loved one go through. He could not sit still. He was looking out the windows, hearing things, seeing people that were not there and sketching about cops searching the place. I tried to get him to lay down and sleep because I knew he had not done any in the last 24 hours plus his boss at work wanted to see him in the morning. I was so tired. I had not eaten in 4 days and sleep was not easy to come by. I was not going to "babysit" him anymore so I left and he fallowed me home. Probably paranoid that I was going somewhere else. It was so sad. The next day he went to work and everyone knew what he was on. They told me that he was running into walls and talking to people that were not there. His boss told him that he could not leave in his truck and of course he did. I was on my way to get him and I saw him so I fallowed him and he ended up back at my house. His mom and brother met us there and he finally agreed to go to treatment. It is outpatient but it is 5 days a week for 6 hours a day for 2 weeks. Then it goes to 3 days for 3 hours for 6 weeks (in that now).
Now that you know the story.... He tells people there that the only reason he is there is because I "made' him and he would also lose his job. Does that mean that all the money going into this is just to keep his job? He says that he is done with drugs because he does not want to lose his job. Problem is, is that, his job is where he gets it from. So now because I have lost trust in him, I hate him working. I worry and I know I shouldn't. He works from 5am to 5pm and then goes to treatment from 6:30 to 9:30pm. That is what worries me also. What is he going to do to keep himself awake? I was doing fine with it until yesterday. I had a bad feeling all day. Today I have had anxiety all day. Yesterday he had some energy when usually he falls asleep on the couch. Today he is grumpy and snaps at me. For the last 2 days he has barely spoken to me which is not like him. I do not know what is going on. Oh and come to find out, this behavior started the day after they drug tested him.
Any ideas????
Thanks
Dear Tired,Oh where to start,First off he stated to you he is in rehab because you made him,and because of his job.Does that sound like a man intent on getting treatment.He is there for the sole purpose to get you off his back. He figures if he goes through the motions he will get what He wants,his job,and you allowing him to come home but my guess is you already have.Now let's get to his behavior ,I don't know how often they are drug testing him.The fact he was full of energy makes me suspect he might have used coke....he's on something though....Now what really threw red flags to me is.....You said he was doing Meth while driving with your daughter in the car? You should've called the cops right then and there....You are placing your kids in a toxic envoirment. THEY are exposed to him doing drugs watching porn,and Mom is allowing this behavior....Mom if you are tolerating this from your husband ,you are opening the door for your kids..... and they watch Dad is doing these things....You need to get a grip on yourself and quick.Dad needs to be told that he is not in the rehab because you made him or his job.His purpose of being there is to address his addiction.Until he begins to address his rehab for the purpose of treating his addiction,it is best for all of you that he not be in the home.He needs to be in treatment then a half way home.When he becomes serious about his recovery and shows he is moving in a positive direction you do not need him as a role model for your kids....There is no way no how I would allow his presence placing my kids in possible harms way.....Now as for you...You need to recognize you need help also....He has been a addict for years ....He will not be cured over night in a week ...recovery takes effort and time.It takes strength to break old habits and to devolping a support system ....You are not helping him or yourself with you behavior ...You need to take care of yourself and your kids. ...If you allow it all to continue as it currently is.nothing will change all you and your husband is doing is blowing air in the wind.If an addict is not in recovery for his sole purpose of getting better but to shut you up cause you made him. ..He isn't there for the right reason.
When your husband is confronted with an unpleasant feeling, he gets to medicate. You are left with the consequences.
This is why I suggest Al Anon or NAR Anon for you. I am very surprised his treatment center did not offer a family support program to you - this is usually the case and very helpful.
You are powerless over someone else's addiction.
Your husband will need to manage his addiction. If losing a wife, or a job, is the "bottom", then that is a good thing as many bottoms are much lower. I have known people who said such things as lip service to put an end to "nagging" and I've known others who'se bottom was, in fact, the threat of losing a marriage or job. Only he can answer that.
It is extremely beneficial to get to a recovery meeting (Al Anon or NAR Anon) and connect with people who are in your shoes. There is a better way for codependents. I hope you find it.
Good luck,
Flyboy
This is why I suggest Al Anon or NAR Anon for you. I am very surprised his treatment center did not offer a family support program to you - this is usually the case and very helpful.
You are powerless over someone else's addiction.
Your husband will need to manage his addiction. If losing a wife, or a job, is the "bottom", then that is a good thing as many bottoms are much lower. I have known people who said such things as lip service to put an end to "nagging" and I've known others who'se bottom was, in fact, the threat of losing a marriage or job. Only he can answer that.
It is extremely beneficial to get to a recovery meeting (Al Anon or NAR Anon) and connect with people who are in your shoes. There is a better way for codependents. I hope you find it.
Good luck,
Flyboy
Dear Tiredandlonely,
Wow that is crazy your story is just about identical to mine. My husband and I have been married 3.5 years he is the father of my boys who are teenagers. He was addicted to meth before we got married but he had stopped and begged me to marry him saying all he needed was his family and my butt believed that's all he needed for him to quit. When we got married he was doing okay he would relapse like every 4-6 months & he was actually going to meetings to help him. But it has gotten so worse it's like every month its been hell, most of 2014 he was high every month, when he does meth it's not just one day it's staying out for days then coming home tweaking so bad it's usually about 7 days of hell at a time. It seems like an eternity to me. I can't explain the hell it feels like but when he's tweaking and staying up for days I get no sleep he's put boards over the windows, bolts on my sons window he's covered mirrors etc and etc. I try to put him out the only thing is he doesn't leave, he will leave and come back trippin out. I finally had to get a restraining order he's not violent but he becomes like a person with a mental illness hallucinating tweaking, talking to himself. I can't believe that I lasted this long. We moved into a nice home jan 2014 and i've paid most of all the rent/bills because he loses his jobs. So this past weekend he got high again and of course it was 6 days of hell, so i gave my 30 day notice to my landlord and sad to say I'm leaving him. I can't live like this no more, it has affected my two sons. Now he's coming down off his high sleeping for hours at a time. I forgot to mention he's been to rehab several times, but he never sticks with the meetings or the steps, nor has he or will he get a sponsor. I know that when we drive away in the uhaul truck that it's going to destroy him, but I can't keep letting him take me through hell. The only way for me to make sure that he's clean is to be with him everyday all the time, take him to work and pick him up. I tried that for 3 months it worked but I was worn out, but now I'm losing my house and having to move to an apartment with my boys, we will lose our 2 dogs as well. :(
Wow that is crazy your story is just about identical to mine. My husband and I have been married 3.5 years he is the father of my boys who are teenagers. He was addicted to meth before we got married but he had stopped and begged me to marry him saying all he needed was his family and my butt believed that's all he needed for him to quit. When we got married he was doing okay he would relapse like every 4-6 months & he was actually going to meetings to help him. But it has gotten so worse it's like every month its been hell, most of 2014 he was high every month, when he does meth it's not just one day it's staying out for days then coming home tweaking so bad it's usually about 7 days of hell at a time. It seems like an eternity to me. I can't explain the hell it feels like but when he's tweaking and staying up for days I get no sleep he's put boards over the windows, bolts on my sons window he's covered mirrors etc and etc. I try to put him out the only thing is he doesn't leave, he will leave and come back trippin out. I finally had to get a restraining order he's not violent but he becomes like a person with a mental illness hallucinating tweaking, talking to himself. I can't believe that I lasted this long. We moved into a nice home jan 2014 and i've paid most of all the rent/bills because he loses his jobs. So this past weekend he got high again and of course it was 6 days of hell, so i gave my 30 day notice to my landlord and sad to say I'm leaving him. I can't live like this no more, it has affected my two sons. Now he's coming down off his high sleeping for hours at a time. I forgot to mention he's been to rehab several times, but he never sticks with the meetings or the steps, nor has he or will he get a sponsor. I know that when we drive away in the uhaul truck that it's going to destroy him, but I can't keep letting him take me through hell. The only way for me to make sure that he's clean is to be with him everyday all the time, take him to work and pick him up. I tried that for 3 months it worked but I was worn out, but now I'm losing my house and having to move to an apartment with my boys, we will lose our 2 dogs as well. :(
After educating myself about addiction, co-dependency, enabling, and the fact that addiction recovery is a life long struggle for an addict. I'm baffled by the number of people that get involved with an addict knowing they are one. By the time I figured it out it was to late to bail out. There should be dating website for all of us who have been hurt by a relationship with an addict. The last thInk I would want to be involved with again. Amazing how many caring people out there that are stuck on an addict when they could move on and maybe meet someone who has been down the relationship with an addict road.
My fianc was clean for 3 years when we got together. I knew he used to be addicted to pills, but I knew nothing about what this entails. Nothing. This is a whole new world of hell that I saw from a distance but never knew how deep it ran.
And I think it is almost worse than death. It is a bad zombie movie stuck on repeat. As if being able to touch, see, and smell them, knowing that your loved one is not home, is not enough... They go and come, go and come. Just watching them turn into the walking dead over and over. It is horrific, and leaving and making an addicted love one swim on their own is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm terrified for his safety and praying that he chooses life, but there's no other choice. You can't stay. It not good for you. It's not good for them. Enabling and allowing codependency hurts them worse overall, than you leaving and forcing them into raw reality... sink or swim.
