I Messed Up

day 1

I'm soooo stupid. I gave up 100+ days!!!!!! For what? Nada, Zilch and Zero. I seen this happening. I set myself up so I can only fail. Failure was the only option.

I feel I let you all down. I'm so sorry :-(
Awww Foggy sorry to hear that. Please dont go back to it. Try and stay strong and keep going to your meetings. You been doing so well. I doubt you let anyone down but yourself but you just have to keep on moving forward.

God Bless and hang in there....
What happened?
Keep Coming Back.

I was talking with some folks last night.

This lady says, Man this ain't easy is it? (staying clean)

And I thought about it last night.


You know it isn't. In fact it is so hard I could never do it by myself, never.

But I can and have done it and continue to do it, Just for today, with the help of God and others.

And as I was mediating on it.

Easy that is.

This truth hit me. Easy never turned me on.

Overcoming some s***, now that is a turn on.

Meeting a new friend, Getting the job, closing the tough sale. Winning. Staying clean.Lifting weights, Fixing something, Cutting the grass in the Heat. Parenting, Praying. Making an amend, Getting Honest, Great Sex. Great Music. Writing Praying Swimming in the ocean, Hiking in the snow.

I mean the list of What really turns me on..Is all about tough, challenging, moving, using everything I got, leaving it all out there.
LIFE man.

Now addict Joe would like me to believe, Nah man what you want is to quit, cop out, get high, stop the pain.

Don't believe the Lie.

Love

Gee, Froggy, I woke up this morning, and one of the first thoughts on my mind was that you had relapsed. I had not read your post yet, but you had been conspicuous in your absence the last couple of days. This is how quickly we become connected to others when we are clean. When we go back out and use, it is s if someone is torn from us. Such is the nature of addiction.

I am so thankful that you have come forward and with honesty, admitted that you made a mistake. It was pretty clear that you were romancing it for some time now.

You once asked whether relapse is a part of recovery. I have my own views on this subject, because I know I have a relapse in me, but I am not sure if I could make it back. I hope you do make it back, and I hope that you will take this event as an opportunity to consider what you might do differently on the next go round.

Know that until then, you are loved, and I for one feel a deep connection toward you. I am not the only one. Please keep sharing. We are not here to judge. We are here to support you. You have good company among those who fell just a tad short of the mark on their first, or fifth go-round.

Sorry if this post is a little preachyit runs in the family and I do come by it honestly.

Lets try not to make a habit of this , eh?
How did it happen? Listen carefully.......don't dwell or beat yourself up, it won't help. I first "got clean" in January of 2008. I started thinking about recovery at the end of 2006! I have just about four months of sobriety now. Do the math.

It's day one for you.....that's fine.... Learn from what happened and just don't use today.

Jer
It is what it is. I can't go back and change it, although I wish I could. I chose to pickup and use. Details aren't important.

I felt so guilty living like I hadn't. Too many phone calls and too many texts about missed meetings etc I had to tell. I can't live the double life anymore. A week is long enough.

Ready to restart. No, August, You won't have to be making a habit out being "preachy" I'm kicking my own a**, and i'm pretty short so, ya, kind of funny eh?
Glad you're back.
I do think it's very important to examine the details when you're ready.You certainly don't have to do it here on an open forum but when you get a sponsor,most definitely.

Relapses happen before we use.Something was going on days or weeks before this went down.You shared about your daughter and even then I could tell by your writing how stressed you were.

Right now may not be the time as I would just put my energy into going back to your group and see what you could do differently.You've been around a bit to know the drill so you know what to do.

You're not stupid and you didn't let anybody down.I'm sure not one person on here thinks any differently of you.The guilt and remorse is part of relapsing but I wouldn't dwell on yesterday.Today you have a new opportunity.

Most of all I'm glad you're safe and that this didn't last long.Give yourself a break and just hop back on the train.

Best,Tim
I agree with Tim. For me, the details have always been THE important part of the learning experience. Like I wrote, I started trying to get clean a couple years ago. I even built up a good amount of clean time. Looking back, I was not doing what I needed to in order to be in recovery. I had to really think about my decisions in order to do things differently........how did it go down that I ended up using various substances again?

It's good that you are not beating yourself up......there's no point to it. Now you jut have to wait a bit longer to get chocolate from me.
Jer
Froggy,

I'm going to ask you what was asked of me when I'd get 4 mos and then 5 mos clean only to relapse again by doing it my way.....

What are you going to do different?

Maybe it's time to get serious about the program and get a sponsor. That's the only thing that saved my a*ss from going back out those first 6 months....I'm like August, I could read the relapse coming and a sponsor will be able to not only help you avoid that next relapse, but take you through the steps so you can change and grow spiritually and then relapse isn't part of the equation anymore....

Welcome back, glad you made it back....so many don't.

xoxo
Stacey
Glad you're back Hil. It is important to tell on yourself and the details when youre ready, if you don't feel comfortable telling us, tell someone. Like a sponsor maybe? hint hint.

Nothing changes until something changes. Whatever you were doing, stop doing that and try it someone else's way. You don't get to drive the bus anymore.

I have so much respect for you right now. In the beginning, I couldn't tell the truth or on myself to save my soul.
I think its an unfortunate byproduct of the 12-step program that when people slip up, they feel that they have failed b/c they've "lost" all their time and have to start over. It's very self-defeating, and unfortunately, it can keep people from coming back to the rooms because of shame, etc.

It doesn't have to be that way. Very, very few people remain sober from their very first meeting. There are lots of lessons on the road to longterm sobriety, and most of us have learned the hard way. You "lost" anything, and you're certainly not a failure.

So don't be ashamed or fearful of what others think. Most likely, they're not thinking what you think they are. Like me, they're identifying, because they've been there too.

Keep going back,

None
posted by 24 Gordon

QUOTE

Froggy,

I'm going to ask you what was asked of me when I'd get 4 mos and then 5 mos clean only to relapse again by doing it my way.....

What are you going to do different?

Maybe it's time to get serious about the program and get a sponsor. That's the only thing that saved my a*ss from going back out those first 6 months....I'm like August, I could read the relapse coming and a sponsor will be able to not only help you avoid that next relapse, but take you through the steps so you can change and grow spiritually and then relapse isn't part of the equation anymore....

Welcome back, glad you made it back....so many don't.

This is called paying it forward and using what you have learned. Hopefully you can answer the question that I bolded.

Also, THE DETAILS DO MATTER. The devil is IN the DETAILS.

For example: Uh...I called my doc and said I needed that refill. (WARNING!)
Another example: I saw my friend who used to give me pills. They asked me if I wanted any.....(WARNING!)
Yet another: I went to X's house, where I know they have pills in their medicine cabinet. (WARNING!)

Yeah relapses don't just happen, the motive builds up over time and you know it is baaaaad when people can actually READ it coming! READ it?! Whoa...scary.
Well, I will give you props for being honest and not putting forth the bright shiny face so people can actually see it coming.

None4Me is right, the time built is not "lost" on the proviso that the knowledge learned is then reapplied. If not, that time does fly right out the window.

Our group always welcomes back relapsers without recriminations.
I also agree with None.......the counting of time is only for reward and to encourage newcomers. Like I wrote, I started this back in 2008 and I am coming up on four months of consecutive clean time in 2010. The 12-step group I attend is not punative about slips, relapse.....whatever it is. I have noticed that people in the group are just glad that someone showed up at the meeting to keep trying.
I tend to clap harder for the newcomer or relapser getting that white tag. I know I am harder on myself then others would be. The ppl that I've come clean to have been like here, very supportive. Even the ppl I bold faced lied too still love me :-) I know what you are all thinking...whats not to love right???? teehee

I feel better finally telling the truth.

I'm going to get my chocolate Jer!!!!!

You are all amazing, all there is to it

Hilary
QUOTE
I know what you are all thinking...whats not to love right???? teehee


Right!
Ok, so I am not an addict or alcoholic and I think 100 days is remarkable! I wish my son would make it to 100!! You slipped, you got up now I guess you start counting again!!
99, 100, 100+, 1....

New attitude, new adventure.

H
Hi Hilary~ I've relapsed a few times since first really trying to quit. Honestly, I don't know how people don't (but for those who haven't- I think that's awesome!). Today I feel good, today I won't take anything, that's all I can EVER promise. Good for you for rallying, I know first hand that a relapse can take the wind out of your sails, but it's OVER! Onward we go....
Picked up a white key tag. Proudly :-)

H