Please help me. My boyfriend has gone back to hetoin after 8years clean. He used for 8 weeks and went to treatment but 3 weeks in used again. He's pretending to take subatex and managed to make the support workers and me believe he'd given up. I don't know which way to turn. It was amazing getting my man back. The man I love. Then I saw the behaviours start again. I supported him through it all and as he asked never left his side. He then started going out alonand scored more heroin. I had to leave after he went for a walk and didn't come back. I saw him again a few days later and stayed because he told me he was suicidal. Unfortunately he obviously needed a fix so wanted to go out. I left again and he walked me to the train. As Thr train moved he told me he loved me but I couldn't say anything back. I didn't want to go I wanted him to see sense and go back to treatment. He has lost everything and has no purpose anymore. Rationally I feel I need to leave and never look back but my heart says help. I'm petrified he'll kill himself or just never get clean. I'm so confused I don't know what to do. Love doesn't help talking doesn't help nothing seems to help. I love him with all my heart and feel broken. All I want to do is call him or see him. Just make him better. Make him realise he's a decent person. Everything I do seems to be wrong. I'm so upset I can't function I miss him so much. Family and friends don't help by saying forget him. He's my man and he's hurting how can I turn my back. I've had no contact with him but it's breaking me. How do I move forward? How do I feel better? How do I cope when everyday I check my phone to see if he's alive or panic I'll get the phone call saying he's committed suicide? I'm so lost.
Hi Kylie,
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It's awful feeling so lost and broken and terrified he'll hurt himself, I know. The nights spent waiting for that phone call that he's been found dead somewhere, that clenching anguished feeling in your stomach ALL the time, feeling like how can you turn your back on the man you love when you've promised him you'll stay and he's got no one else.
What we have to try to remember is that sometimes, what we think is helping is only making things worse or just letting them continue as they've been going. None of this is your fault. You didn't cause the addiction and you can't cure it. (I've bumped up a post called "Things That Don't help" for you...I found it really helpful). You can't stop him from doing anything, just like you can't make him do anything. It has to come from him and ultimately, it will be his decision and his alone.
The only thing you can do now is try to take care of yourself. (Easier said than done, I know.) Have you tried going to a Nar-Anon meeting for loved ones of addicts (or Al-Anon if there are no Nar-Anon meetings in your area)? There you can talk to and get advice from other people who are going through the same thing and understand where you're coming from.
I spent three years allowing my boyfriend's addiction become the focal point of my life. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't helping or even making a difference because I was just cleaning up after him and allowing him to keep doing what he was doing. It's only since I left this past June that he has actually gotten serious about his recovery but I am wary as I know how easy it is to get dragged back into the whole mess. I still love him but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that living as a hostage of someone else's addiction isn't living at all. Please look after yourself...you certainly can't take care of anyone else until you've got yourself covered first. I wish you the best of luck and remember that you're not alone.
Sadie
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It's awful feeling so lost and broken and terrified he'll hurt himself, I know. The nights spent waiting for that phone call that he's been found dead somewhere, that clenching anguished feeling in your stomach ALL the time, feeling like how can you turn your back on the man you love when you've promised him you'll stay and he's got no one else.
What we have to try to remember is that sometimes, what we think is helping is only making things worse or just letting them continue as they've been going. None of this is your fault. You didn't cause the addiction and you can't cure it. (I've bumped up a post called "Things That Don't help" for you...I found it really helpful). You can't stop him from doing anything, just like you can't make him do anything. It has to come from him and ultimately, it will be his decision and his alone.
The only thing you can do now is try to take care of yourself. (Easier said than done, I know.) Have you tried going to a Nar-Anon meeting for loved ones of addicts (or Al-Anon if there are no Nar-Anon meetings in your area)? There you can talk to and get advice from other people who are going through the same thing and understand where you're coming from.
I spent three years allowing my boyfriend's addiction become the focal point of my life. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't helping or even making a difference because I was just cleaning up after him and allowing him to keep doing what he was doing. It's only since I left this past June that he has actually gotten serious about his recovery but I am wary as I know how easy it is to get dragged back into the whole mess. I still love him but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that living as a hostage of someone else's addiction isn't living at all. Please look after yourself...you certainly can't take care of anyone else until you've got yourself covered first. I wish you the best of luck and remember that you're not alone.
Sadie
