I just read all of this again. Im so happy your doing better. I now feel like crying when I just read that you got rid of "everything" I feel like such a hypocrite. I came on this site months ago cause I still had a needle, got great feedback, the obsession passed, and I got passed it but I never got rid of it...Whats wrong with me? I haven't used H since Oct, 25 2006. (I have messed up on crack quite a few times, 9 months clean now) There are lots of times I tell myself "Its ok you can do it, its not like crack, you can do just one bag" That's crazy and I know it. I had a pretty bad habit when I landed in jail in 2006. After reading alot of what you are all going through Im glad I kicked in jail. It was horrible and I thought I would die. They had me "sleeping" on the floor. Well I had a mat, but they didn't want me to fall and I guess they wanted me closer to the toilet, witch was about a foot from my head. Not that it was close enough. I was a mess and in so much pain. I laid there and cried for I dont know how long. Nobody likes a junkie in jail. Your cell mate hates you, the trusties who have to clean up after you hate you. The only ones who are nice are the ones that have been through it. This memory has really helped me stay away from it...so I dont get why I just cant let go of that needle. Whats wrong with me that I keep holding that door open. I cant stand the thought of needing it someday, but whats really crazy is I dont even crave it for the most part...I just wont let go and I hate myself for it. This was so off topic...Im sorry...You said something about being tierd of fighting. I get that way alot. I really have to keep the pain and horror of my past in the forefront of my brain cause sometimes my life on the streets seems so much easier than real life...Well in a way it was. There was just one objective everyday, "Get money, get high" Now trying to be a mom. Gosh, its hard. I was homeless on the streets for years. Im still like a big teenager myself. I have 3 kids 2 are smoking weed already...Im really trying to be the best mom and to be a good example...Its even harder with my daughter who is perfect cause theres so many things to do, Volley Ball games, proms, dealing with other parents...Im so intimidated....WOW! I talk so much sometimes...I know I dont "know" anybody here but you guys are my only friends and I love you all. Cause even though I dont always talk I read alot and you all have saved me more than you know. Thanx :)
Jessi, if it helps...i gotta tell you, i feel the same damn way...was easy sometimes when it was just about getting and staying high...sometimes the streets, and people are going to think im insane for saying this...but in ways its kinder...not as pressurized...i know that doesnt sound right but ...i get you...really and truly...but i dont want to go back to the street...i know that...not really...its just the good memories we get when were thinking about using...and sometimes even when were not because life just gets so complicated and trying sometimes..and at least when your out trying to get something you get something at the end for it..ya, well, not all the time...but its a target..and living without that target and that knowing what your trying for is confusing and hard..and like you...i sometimes feel im just not capable of taking care of it all...nor do i want to...dont feel guilty bout the rigs...hell, i kept them for a looong time after i stopped...and truth is...ive still got rigs...just no spikes..maybe theres a compromise for ya ?...smile....i dont know...i made a decsion today...im going to try something...try working those freakin steps everyone keeps telling me to do...beats feeling like this and maybe it actually will change something in me...im glad to hear someone else talking besides my own head so dont aplogize...different lives but not so different thoughts....its almost easy to tell other people whats best...just not ourselves usually...its also so hard , at least for me, to give up the identity that comes with it all...no clue who i am anymore if its taken away or i give it up...maybe thats another reason we keep rigs...i AM glad i didnt keep anything else though...but, well...maybe not completly glad either...part of me is dissapointed...but its something i dont need to know...and that very small sane part tht knows i dont need to go back to the streets...that part is glad...i dont need to lose everything in a moment of want...at least it gives me time to think it through...even if its only 5 minutes...or until i get there...its a good thing in it own way...and i cried when i DID throw everything away...but right now i can only get through these days by doing something like one hour at a time...the methadone stabalized me...i think better and im not hurting...but it was too much of a reminder maybe of what was...its scary but its not...its famaliar...and its hard cause it feels like when you go home...its a place i know..a place i love regardless of the horror...i think it will always be there...but maybe like childhood...its got to be put away now...leave it alone like a good memory...so we keep rigs instead of pictures...and ?...anyways..you know...im not sure...and i dont know when or if i ever will be a 100% sure...but maybe down the road i will be able to say i am...i dont know...i need to try for the right reasons this time...dont ask me to put those in words because i cant even voice them really...its just a thing... something that knows now is the time to give it the hardest push i can to try and get to the other side...screaming and kicking all the way...i know that too...but ...well...it just is...anyways...ya...i understand Jessi...really
Con
Con
Thank-You, it feels so good to be excepted and understood. Sometimes I think the only thing that really keeps me clean is the fact that Im sick. I am HIV positive and have Hep C. I dont want to do anything to spread it and I dont want to die. Not that Im crying over being sick. Im not. It really helps me keep things in perspective. If I go back to my old ways I will die and I made a decision to live. So thats what Im doing. Its harder than I ever thought it would be. I just want to run away alot of the time but Im doing it. Im really tired and I feel like I am babbling. Thanks again for talking to me. :)
PS Whats the difference between a rig and a spike. I was confused. I thought it was all the same thing. Have a Great night!
PS Whats the difference between a rig and a spike. I was confused. I thought it was all the same thing. Have a Great night!
FFS,,,
Typing wizard,me not,lol,,i cant even find the keys off the skag,,Con.ma baby,ma hunny,,how many times...stop runnin,,walk,crawl if ya have too..u got m8s here that love ya,,stay sane,,,yer one in a trillion...
Eck,,,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Typing wizard,me not,lol,,i cant even find the keys off the skag,,Con.ma baby,ma hunny,,how many times...stop runnin,,walk,crawl if ya have too..u got m8s here that love ya,,stay sane,,,yer one in a trillion...
Eck,,,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
He speaks!!!
Hey Eck...im trying buddy...im trying...getting there...slept like a rock last night....if that didnt feel good nothing will...lol
Hey Jess...i got hep c too..comes with the territory i guess...it came back twice even after the "cure" ...got to get a biopsy and im scared as s*** too...think i would rather not know in ways...fear is always there..but fear of being sick isnt always the answer to staying clean..you can get to that point where u say...whats the use then...so be careful when u depend on only the fear to keep u clean...that can turn on you real quick...wouldnt bother me if i wanted to go back out...didnt...wouldnt..anyways...a rig is a needle...a spike is the needles point/head...the bottom part...the needle itself..you can get needles without the spike in them...put them together...they're the small ones..harder to handle but cheap...dialect i suppose or slang from where ever you can get them in parts...use the spikeless one for like measuring ...put the bottom half of the needle in and you get the whole rig...rig meaning needle...they'll give them to you in any of the apotekes out here...thats pharmacy in german...enough about that...god...lots of us have that particular fixation i think...oh man, dont go there...anyways...emptying your head here is good...like i said to that guy who flew in...write until ur brain slows down...try opening a diary Jess...its good to have a place to dump stuff..talk through the fear...i know some people read it but i think the ones that read it are the ones that are looking to see if its the same ride...it doesnt bother me too much...think probably most of us dont read them...its just rambling to everyone else...lol...but it helps...and you'll get alot of answers all by yourself...and sometimes from those here too...but thats sometimes a good thing when u need it..i think of them as the angels...thy leave me alone until they know they cant...try it...this is probably the only place many of us can do that..its safe...or talk about anything like...rigs for instance...talk until it heals something...open another topic and just go for it...for me...if im not talking, typing, writing then im using...I need to do that...i dont talk well to people face to face...i seem to be only able to write stuff...so i come here to get it out of my head before it makes me sick..listen to whatever anyone else wants to say to me...most of the time, pretty much all of the time...i get spot on good advice or at least something to think about...its good to bounce stuff off people who know what ur talking about and feeling...so talk about whatever you need to talk about...i wont be going anywhere soon...at least i hope...and even if i went back out and started using again...i know i could back here...hell, i probably could be here and still use...i was using when i got here actually...this is a life line for me..and these people are the only threads i have to hold on to sometimes...bless everyone single of them...M&M and Eck, Brynn, ME, LAC, Gordon24, Jack,Davey,Jaz...too many to name...they've seen me through 3 years now and more of stuff i never could ever have talked to anyone about...they understand...they get it...they help...you go to meetings ?...got a group to do face to face with ?...one small hour at a time...thats hhow im moving now....keep talking Jess...it gives answers even when you dont think it does...
Hey Jess...i got hep c too..comes with the territory i guess...it came back twice even after the "cure" ...got to get a biopsy and im scared as s*** too...think i would rather not know in ways...fear is always there..but fear of being sick isnt always the answer to staying clean..you can get to that point where u say...whats the use then...so be careful when u depend on only the fear to keep u clean...that can turn on you real quick...wouldnt bother me if i wanted to go back out...didnt...wouldnt..anyways...a rig is a needle...a spike is the needles point/head...the bottom part...the needle itself..you can get needles without the spike in them...put them together...they're the small ones..harder to handle but cheap...dialect i suppose or slang from where ever you can get them in parts...use the spikeless one for like measuring ...put the bottom half of the needle in and you get the whole rig...rig meaning needle...they'll give them to you in any of the apotekes out here...thats pharmacy in german...enough about that...god...lots of us have that particular fixation i think...oh man, dont go there...anyways...emptying your head here is good...like i said to that guy who flew in...write until ur brain slows down...try opening a diary Jess...its good to have a place to dump stuff..talk through the fear...i know some people read it but i think the ones that read it are the ones that are looking to see if its the same ride...it doesnt bother me too much...think probably most of us dont read them...its just rambling to everyone else...lol...but it helps...and you'll get alot of answers all by yourself...and sometimes from those here too...but thats sometimes a good thing when u need it..i think of them as the angels...thy leave me alone until they know they cant...try it...this is probably the only place many of us can do that..its safe...or talk about anything like...rigs for instance...talk until it heals something...open another topic and just go for it...for me...if im not talking, typing, writing then im using...I need to do that...i dont talk well to people face to face...i seem to be only able to write stuff...so i come here to get it out of my head before it makes me sick..listen to whatever anyone else wants to say to me...most of the time, pretty much all of the time...i get spot on good advice or at least something to think about...its good to bounce stuff off people who know what ur talking about and feeling...so talk about whatever you need to talk about...i wont be going anywhere soon...at least i hope...and even if i went back out and started using again...i know i could back here...hell, i probably could be here and still use...i was using when i got here actually...this is a life line for me..and these people are the only threads i have to hold on to sometimes...bless everyone single of them...M&M and Eck, Brynn, ME, LAC, Gordon24, Jack,Davey,Jaz...too many to name...they've seen me through 3 years now and more of stuff i never could ever have talked to anyone about...they understand...they get it...they help...you go to meetings ?...got a group to do face to face with ?...one small hour at a time...thats hhow im moving now....keep talking Jess...it gives answers even when you dont think it does...
Hi, thanx for answering my silly questions about the needle. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to ask or not. Yes I guess it is just slang from where we are from, but I have never seen it (the needle) come in parts either. I can see what you are saying about not using my fears to stay sober. Your right if I really want use it would not stop me. Ya know whats crazy? I just found out about the Hep C. Its been 5 years since I used a needle or did anything risky. I get blood work alot cause of the HIV. Why didn't they catch it sooner? I am scared. They wont treat me for the Hep yet cause my HIV is not under control. It all scares me. They say my HIV meds make the Hep worse, the liver I guess. I sound like and idiot. Its all very confusing to me. Im sad to hear you have been through treatment twice and it still came back. Im not very good with pain. I heard the biopsy hurts. Is it really bad? Did they have to do that every time? I try to be so strong and fearless for my family, but Ive been so tired and weak lately and I hate that! I take care of the house, kids, gardening, cooking...sometimes I know I am doing too much, But they have been taking care my kids forever so it also never seems like enough. Im just so tired...Hey! :) Where are you from? I think it is so cool that we get to talk to people from all over. Well I hope you are having a good day. Thanx for responding to me. Oh and thanx for suggesting I start a diary on here. I might do that someday. Im not ready for it yet cause Im a mess (LOL) and really need all the feedback I can get. Good-Night...Oh, I just re read your post and it answered the "Where are you from" question, I think.....well goodnight again
G Morning Jess,
I was gonna take off for awhile from the board but...guess im not after all...life goes on...hep c...wicked single shot of fear when the doc told me...like you..i'd been clean for awhile and on methadone when they even caught it...different clinic..i was so shocked and so upset...out here they even send the city officials to your house to verify it and put your name on a list...i was mortified along with being scared...still scared...what does the doc say about it ?...what level is ur hep c ?...sometimes theres just nothing u can do about it, like a heart condition or whatever...just eat right and dont drink etc....u live with it...they tell me there is no symptoms so i wouldnt even know if it was worse or not...could be...hell...between detoxing, and jumping around on the methadone and chipping a bit in between (ya...lets not talk about that right now)..who the hell knows if i was feeling bad from the hep c....im suppose to call the doc and make an appointment to come for the biopsy...havnet done it yet...he tells me it doesnt hurt...like i beleive that...well...i just havent made up my mind...he wants to do the biopsy bcuz he wants to determine what therapy to do...and i doubt im going to do that therapy again...at least not for a long while if i can help it...thats why the biopsy scares me....b careful when the docs start pushing you to do stuff...im no help in the hiv department so i dont know about both therapies at the same time..get as much info as u can...crazy isnt it...no fear of drugs and street but healthy fear of doctors and their treatments...it makes me really scared too ...have u gotten any other opinions from other docs on this .we trust docs to do the right thing because we are so scared and someimes fail to realize that not all docs are equal..good to hear you...
I was gonna take off for awhile from the board but...guess im not after all...life goes on...hep c...wicked single shot of fear when the doc told me...like you..i'd been clean for awhile and on methadone when they even caught it...different clinic..i was so shocked and so upset...out here they even send the city officials to your house to verify it and put your name on a list...i was mortified along with being scared...still scared...what does the doc say about it ?...what level is ur hep c ?...sometimes theres just nothing u can do about it, like a heart condition or whatever...just eat right and dont drink etc....u live with it...they tell me there is no symptoms so i wouldnt even know if it was worse or not...could be...hell...between detoxing, and jumping around on the methadone and chipping a bit in between (ya...lets not talk about that right now)..who the hell knows if i was feeling bad from the hep c....im suppose to call the doc and make an appointment to come for the biopsy...havnet done it yet...he tells me it doesnt hurt...like i beleive that...well...i just havent made up my mind...he wants to do the biopsy bcuz he wants to determine what therapy to do...and i doubt im going to do that therapy again...at least not for a long while if i can help it...thats why the biopsy scares me....b careful when the docs start pushing you to do stuff...im no help in the hiv department so i dont know about both therapies at the same time..get as much info as u can...crazy isnt it...no fear of drugs and street but healthy fear of doctors and their treatments...it makes me really scared too ...have u gotten any other opinions from other docs on this .we trust docs to do the right thing because we are so scared and someimes fail to realize that not all docs are equal..good to hear you...
Good-Morning to you too, Im glad your still here. I have been ridiculous lately, scared, lonely and weepy. Crazy! :) I never usta cry. Well I guess cause I never usta care about anything. I can relate to being mortified when the officials show up. They didn't come for the hep c but they did come for the HIV. Made me sign papers saying I would not have sex with anybody or do anything else to spread the disease. That REALLY does help to keep me of the street. I was a prostitute for many years. I know when I get high as soon as I run out of money I hit the steets. Its part of my addiction. That's how I first started doing dope cause out there I would never run out of money. Even if I had to stand on a corner for hours. I was gonna get some money. I would be awake for days, weeks sometimes. I just wanted to make it stop and started with the dope...Then I could come down and sleep. When I look back now it only made things so much worse. Cause with the crack when I would finally go to sleep, I would sleep for days, but once I got a habit I would start waking up too soon, cause I was sick. Either way I was such a mess. So now if I get high I know my pattern. I will wind up out there cause once Im high I wont care. But after, the guilt would kill me and Im afraid they would find me and put me in jail for it.
As for getting second opinions here, I feel lucky just to have a clinic to go to. Im from NJ where there is all kinds of treatment. I moved to the south (culture shock, but not all bad.People are very nice here) Here there is hardly any help. They keep switching me around. One of the clinics closed down, I went too like 3 different places. Now I have a brand new one and my Doc here thought I knew about the Hep C, so hes just having a conversation, like "Blah, blah, blah and for your Hep C we'll do this this and that" and Im like "What! I dont have Hep c" I went through jail and 3 different clinics and now they tell me. What the heck! What I found out about how its bad for someone with HIV. Hep c messes up the liver. HIV meds are really hard on the liver, so the combination sucks. I'll be ok. Im just frustrated. Even though Im scared I want them to work on the Hep RIGHT NOW, LOL! but they wont. Im having some problems with my HIV...my numbers are kinda messed up. So I have to wait till Im doing better. Thanx for listening to me. Have a great Day!
As for getting second opinions here, I feel lucky just to have a clinic to go to. Im from NJ where there is all kinds of treatment. I moved to the south (culture shock, but not all bad.People are very nice here) Here there is hardly any help. They keep switching me around. One of the clinics closed down, I went too like 3 different places. Now I have a brand new one and my Doc here thought I knew about the Hep C, so hes just having a conversation, like "Blah, blah, blah and for your Hep C we'll do this this and that" and Im like "What! I dont have Hep c" I went through jail and 3 different clinics and now they tell me. What the heck! What I found out about how its bad for someone with HIV. Hep c messes up the liver. HIV meds are really hard on the liver, so the combination sucks. I'll be ok. Im just frustrated. Even though Im scared I want them to work on the Hep RIGHT NOW, LOL! but they wont. Im having some problems with my HIV...my numbers are kinda messed up. So I have to wait till Im doing better. Thanx for listening to me. Have a great Day!
