Hi, I am a 28 year old Corrections Officer. I fell in love with the most wonderful guy in July 2013. He had been clean for three years and I was ignorant towards addiction. I started my current job August 2014. Since then, I have been overwhelmed with lesson after lesson.
I'm in love with the clean Aaron. All I want is for him to be happy and sober. I know now, intimately, that I cannot save him, all I can do is love him. That hurts so horribly bad. It is like a bad zombie apocolypse movie, where you lose your loved one and they turn into a zombie over and over, coming back for a little while in between just long enough for you to remember what you are losing.
He is 26. His father is a coke head, and alcoholic. His mom is a school teacher. She didn't do too well even after leaving his biological father however. His step-dad is a pill head. While growing up, he often had little to no parental supervison. During one of his relapses in 2014 prior to his Marchman Act, I lost my marbles on him. I had already determined that an underlying cause of his use was to escape from his self-loathing. He'd call himself a piece of s***. I laid into him as to why? Laid in hard. Somehow I cracked him. He broke down and told me he is trash and gross and etc because of sexual abuse he experienced. He saw a lot of friends die. He saw his cousins head get blown off with a shotgun by her junkie jealous ex. Him and a good friend were abducted at gun point around the age of nine or ten, abused, and threatened with death. They escaped somehow. His friend pressed charges but Aaron stayed silent.
His story explained his disassociations, flash backs, panic attacks, and night terrors and sleep paralysis that I had already witnessed in utter confusion multiple times. We started seeing a psychologist who did her best to slowly chip away at getting him to talk about his traumas.
In September of 2014 he relapsed hard. In a matter of days. He put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, it malfunctioned. He tried to overdose. He got baker acted and then Marchman Acted right after. His counselor in there cracked him. She advised that he needed an absolute minimum of a year or so of imagery therapy to reprocess the traumas. She taught him all kind of techniques for handling the psychological triggers and panic attacks etc.
The Marchman Act was incredibly risky for me. The whole relationship was. I love my job. My Luetenant was very understanding. Would they be a second time? I'm not so sure. They are going to look at me and say, what the hell is wrong with you?
Typically I would have broke it off at the Marchman Act. I couldn't in this case though. It was different. I felt like for the first time in his life, he had an opportunity to truly address the underlying issues of his addiction. I wanted him to have that opportunity and be there to support that healing. The way I saw it, if you kill the root of the addiction, you kill it all.
I was so concerned about codependency. I focused so hard on that. When he got out of involuntary treatment he hit the ground running. He kept his head on straight for almost three months. Then the lying started again. The hiding things. Then this, then that. It didn't get as bad as last time, but regardless this morning he started talking about killing himself again, and I hauled him straight to a crisis counselor, then right to detox.
I set his expectations that this time he is being kicked out of the nest. He knew what he needed to do to help himself and he did not do it. He knew. He has a ton of people to talk to who love him, and he chose to keep secrets again. We are only as sick as our secrets.
I feel like I am abandoning him. I don't know what is best to do.... how to handle it. He manipulated our relationship and me into enabling his addiction. I gave him money to pass to his mom. Instead he lied, kept it, and bought drugs with it. I refuse to be used like that. I refuse to be an enabler. I tried so hard to not be. My being with him does not change his addict behaviors, it does nothing but hurt both of us. I am so scared for him though. I've had so many people close to me commit suicide, and if he were to, I would be haunted for the rest of my life no matter how many time I would tell myself that it was not my fault.
He is the most beautiful person when he's clean, and everyone sees it except him. It hurts me so bad, I've decided to pursue a bachelors in criminal justice, a bachelors in addiction studies, and a masters in forensic psychology, so I can join the war against the pill-head apocolypse. Ninety percent of my inmates are addicts as well. I live in a poor drug trafficking backwoods county that geographically happens to be a hub for the state. We are considered Tier 1... in dire need of mental health professionals.
I know that this is also as painful as it is because as easily as I can communicate to others, in their own twisted vulgar language even, and make light bulbs flicker on... I am too close to Aaron. It doesn't work. Too many irons in the fire they say. You cannot take on the counselor role with a loved one. It just doesn't have the needed effect or dynamic as someone unbiased and outside the inner circle.
This hurts even worse. I would do anything to have him healthy and happy. And I am completely helpless. All I can do is make him swim on his own, and hope he does. I've never experienced anything so hard. It's harder than death.
I am in love with an addict who abuses prescription pain pills. I'm now well aware of the addicts way of life and have been exposed to the lies, deciet and theft. She is or was a beautiful, intelligent, impressive young woman. We have a healthy baby daughter. Have most everything to have a comfortable life. Unfortunately addiction stole that away. I love and will support her but I now know I can't change her. It hurts so much but I can't let this continue to drag me down. I have to take care of myself. I NEED to be strong for my daughter. If she can be sober she has a place in my heart.
Other addicts have told me, as well as the counselors, that the best thing I can do is tell he he is not coming home until he has his addiction under control and his life together. The scary thing is, he may not ever do it.
Hi V - this is a very difficult decision you must make-whether you want to let this guy back into your life-if you do decide to make this decision you really need to put some strict boundaries in place and stick to them-you need to make him aware of these boundaries as well- i do not envy you in having to make this call-you are dealing with a very troubled man-judging by what you have written-he seems to have a whole bunch of issues to deal with and appears to be in need of some serious professional help way beyond dealing with his addiction issues-it sounds like a very complex situation- i wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make-
That's the big thing. I started to look at him less as an addict, and more as an abuse survivor. He has to deal with those things that happened in his childhood. He knows he does. Yet, he has chosen not to do it. Until he does, he turns back to allowing addiction to take over. I feel like his addiction, is fundamentally, suicide on an installment plan. He can't quite go through with it completely, so he takes it a little at a time, to kill his brain in doses.
He does need professional help. How does he get that though? He's surrounded by counselors and a psychologist who is aware of it all has been counseling him, and it hasn't changed his inability to find a reason to live.
I don't want to lose another person I love to suicide, but if someone truly wants to die, no one will stop them forever. All you can do is give them opportunity to change their mind, and hope they do.
I am keeping a safe distance. I can't help but love him, but I will love him from a safe distance.
He does need professional help. How does he get that though? He's surrounded by counselors and a psychologist who is aware of it all has been counseling him, and it hasn't changed his inability to find a reason to live.
I don't want to lose another person I love to suicide, but if someone truly wants to die, no one will stop them forever. All you can do is give them opportunity to change their mind, and hope they do.
I am keeping a safe distance. I can't help but love him, but I will love him from a safe distance.
I don't think Aaron is the only addict that is in his situation. According to statistics, his situation seems to be pretty common. In the rehab he is at, his other counselor there told me that almost 50% of her males are self-medicators who suffered sexual abuse at a young age. She could tell from the panic attacks and disassociations they describe to her. There are pretty specific psychological symptoms of it, believe it or not. And that is just one form of abuse. Addiction and abuse or neglect seem to be inexplicably linked.
I feel like it is a war. I would do anything to make it stop, for everyone. There is so much suffering. It's a big cycle of pain. Damaged people breeding damaged people. Damaged people going behind bars ol instead of in rehabilitative facilities, and the cycle continues. It should be a public health issue instead of a criminal issue. DCF should do their job. People who are unable to care for babies need to have their downstairs shut down. You know how many meth heads, pill heads, etc I see that come in doped up high as a kite, ammaciated, and pregnant? The whole issue, kills me. I can't wait to get through school and join the fight. Perhaps if I'm not talking to someone close to me. If I'm working with people who see me unbiasedly, they will hear me. I hope I can figure out a way to crack people quickly and heal their underlying pain.
I feel like it is a war. I would do anything to make it stop, for everyone. There is so much suffering. It's a big cycle of pain. Damaged people breeding damaged people. Damaged people going behind bars ol instead of in rehabilitative facilities, and the cycle continues. It should be a public health issue instead of a criminal issue. DCF should do their job. People who are unable to care for babies need to have their downstairs shut down. You know how many meth heads, pill heads, etc I see that come in doped up high as a kite, ammaciated, and pregnant? The whole issue, kills me. I can't wait to get through school and join the fight. Perhaps if I'm not talking to someone close to me. If I'm working with people who see me unbiasedly, they will hear me. I hope I can figure out a way to crack people quickly and heal their underlying pain.
I would agree with the 50% estimate. Trauma, especially childhood trauma left untreated, often leads to something to self-medicate.
If you want to be the best, healthy support possible - then I suggest a family support program such as Al Anon or NAR Anon. They are in the telephone book and online. You will be welcomed and understood. Even if you do not continue this relationship, you will learn amazing life skills in these programs. They are free. It takes some time and effort, but bears much fruit.
I am not an expert in the proper treatment of people who are addicts and have early childhood trauma. I can share, however, that I am friends with many of them who found a better way to live through AA or NA. The program of recovery is meant to address our pasts so that we can live happy, joyous, and free. We do not want to shut the door on the past, nor dwell on it. It takes some work to get therer. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, perform service work, etc...
If you want to be the best, healthy support possible - then I suggest a family support program such as Al Anon or NAR Anon. They are in the telephone book and online. You will be welcomed and understood. Even if you do not continue this relationship, you will learn amazing life skills in these programs. They are free. It takes some time and effort, but bears much fruit.
I am not an expert in the proper treatment of people who are addicts and have early childhood trauma. I can share, however, that I am friends with many of them who found a better way to live through AA or NA. The program of recovery is meant to address our pasts so that we can live happy, joyous, and free. We do not want to shut the door on the past, nor dwell on it. It takes some work to get therer. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, perform service work, etc...
you are right V addiction is wrapped up in so much suffering and pain- how to treat it is the real question- you are also right about someone who no longer wants to live in this world of pain- many do kill themselves bit by bit one fix/drink at a time- for them i think it kills the pain of existance as well as the pain of past traumas and memories- personally i do not think we have the right to condem anyone who cannot face their world anymore-unless we have lived their pain we are in no position to judge them- all we can do is respond if someone asks for help but we do not have the right to try and fix other peoples problems unless they ask us for help-
Has he given NA a good try (90 meetings in 90 days) ?
He sounds like a garden variety addict to me. NA can treat him if he commits to it.
Nar-Anon will help you get your priorities straight. You need help too.
All the best.
Bob R
He sounds like a garden variety addict to me. NA can treat him if he commits to it.
Nar-Anon will help you get your priorities straight. You need help too.
All the best.
Bob R
Bravo to you for setting boundaries and holding to them.
I was in a relationship with a recovering heroine addict and it was awful. 12 years of my life.
It may feel difficult now but you WILL heal. I promise, promise, promise. Hold your boundaries for dear life, nobody and I mean nobody can be more convincing and contriving then a addict...nobody. He is in no place to be in a relationship and he won't be for a long time IF he chooses the path to recovery. And, even clean, the addictive personality is a bear to live with...getting clean is just the first step...the emotional healing can take years and even those who do get off heroine don't always get clean entirely (instead smoking lots of pot or drinking) and the emotional issues run deep.
I was abused. My daughter experienced abuse. It has been about four years apart now and it is so good to be free of him.
Let him go.
It is no way to live. It is his road.
I will definitely check out that family program. I'm generally a very strong person, but my weakness is suicide. It's so hard for me to accept that if someone really wants to kill themselves, you may post-pone it, but you can't stop them forever. I feel like something priceless has been stolen from me by a faceless demon honestly. I've never felt so helpless to change something.
I'm glad that one of you called him garden variety haha. I hope and pray you are right, and that he will commit to meetings and programs, and pull himself together.
The boundaries are concrete. I'm not budging. Prior to this relationship I was happily single for four years by choice. I am very capable of being happy alone, handling and coping with myself. It's the fear of him killing himself that's all that stabs at me. I do need support, to keep my priorities straight.
As I continue to study and brainstorm about methods to get the root of underlying issues beneath a persons addiction, get the person to crack and talk, I will post here. You all are very intelligent and kind and I really appreciate you all talking to me and giving advice and everything. In fact, I will probably make another thread about my ideas soon. I want to create a safe environment, where I can move slow enough to not go too fast and cause psyche fractures, but also an environment that allows pain to be released easier faster. If I can get to the pain that is being covered up, I can know what to do to start helping the person reprocess and heal. I have seven years of sales experience, with psychological manipulative techniques to make people comfortable with me, fast, and make people talk, agree, pursuade... I got out of sales because I hated manipulating people. I never considered that I might be able to use it for a good thing one day. Selling recovery, and instead of uncovering wants and needs, uncovering pains. I also studied religion in college. I have a lot of various knowledge about that and spiritual esoteric systems that I could use to communicate self-love, self-worth and self-hate concepts, or higher power concepts or whatever I needed the comparisons for in order to relate to something they already know and trust.
I feel like there has to be a more effective way of cracking addiction.
I'm glad that one of you called him garden variety haha. I hope and pray you are right, and that he will commit to meetings and programs, and pull himself together.
The boundaries are concrete. I'm not budging. Prior to this relationship I was happily single for four years by choice. I am very capable of being happy alone, handling and coping with myself. It's the fear of him killing himself that's all that stabs at me. I do need support, to keep my priorities straight.
As I continue to study and brainstorm about methods to get the root of underlying issues beneath a persons addiction, get the person to crack and talk, I will post here. You all are very intelligent and kind and I really appreciate you all talking to me and giving advice and everything. In fact, I will probably make another thread about my ideas soon. I want to create a safe environment, where I can move slow enough to not go too fast and cause psyche fractures, but also an environment that allows pain to be released easier faster. If I can get to the pain that is being covered up, I can know what to do to start helping the person reprocess and heal. I have seven years of sales experience, with psychological manipulative techniques to make people comfortable with me, fast, and make people talk, agree, pursuade... I got out of sales because I hated manipulating people. I never considered that I might be able to use it for a good thing one day. Selling recovery, and instead of uncovering wants and needs, uncovering pains. I also studied religion in college. I have a lot of various knowledge about that and spiritual esoteric systems that I could use to communicate self-love, self-worth and self-hate concepts, or higher power concepts or whatever I needed the comparisons for in order to relate to something they already know and trust.
I feel like there has to be a more effective way of cracking addiction.
