Hi, everyone
I got a call from the police tonight. My son was picked up tonight and being charged with several things. He stole a truck, drove under the influence of narcotics, and was trying to steal from a store. This is a young man who never was in trouble with the law before except for some speeding tickets! I HATE oxycontin! I HATE the people who got him started on it! Please, please pray for him. I love him so much and my heart is breaking for him!
Susan :(....
never mind me...just pray for my son!
Hi Devon:
I've been following some of your posts over the past few days, and let me say first that you are truly a testament to the strength of a mother's love for her children. You are a special person indeed.
That said, it is also clear that you're putting much more effort into your 28-year-old son's recovery than he is right now. He's stolen and lied to you. He's now stealing from others, including commercial establishments, and he has been brought up on charges at least twice in the last two months. His life is out of control due to active addiction, and he's probably safer in jail than on the street. As bad as you feel for him right now, you'd feel even worse if he stole your truck (again) and killed somebody while driving.
I'm sorry if that sounds tough, but an addict will manipulate every person in his/her life when still using -- especially those who love him most. You are so right when you say that he is not the same person that you once knew -- not while he's using. As hard as this may be to accept, your natural instincts as a mother (to protect, nurture, and save him) probably work against his reaching whatever bottom he needs to reach to get clean.
He is at least safer right now, in jail, than he was on the street. As Sammy suggested to Laengr, YOU deserve and need support and understanding as you live through your son's nightmare. Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings are a great place to start -- they're free and anonymous. If you can't go for yourself at first, go for your son -- maybe your husband would be willing to go with you. You are living your son's hell right now, but there is hope and a solution for the entire family. God Bless, M.
I've been following some of your posts over the past few days, and let me say first that you are truly a testament to the strength of a mother's love for her children. You are a special person indeed.
That said, it is also clear that you're putting much more effort into your 28-year-old son's recovery than he is right now. He's stolen and lied to you. He's now stealing from others, including commercial establishments, and he has been brought up on charges at least twice in the last two months. His life is out of control due to active addiction, and he's probably safer in jail than on the street. As bad as you feel for him right now, you'd feel even worse if he stole your truck (again) and killed somebody while driving.
I'm sorry if that sounds tough, but an addict will manipulate every person in his/her life when still using -- especially those who love him most. You are so right when you say that he is not the same person that you once knew -- not while he's using. As hard as this may be to accept, your natural instincts as a mother (to protect, nurture, and save him) probably work against his reaching whatever bottom he needs to reach to get clean.
He is at least safer right now, in jail, than he was on the street. As Sammy suggested to Laengr, YOU deserve and need support and understanding as you live through your son's nightmare. Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings are a great place to start -- they're free and anonymous. If you can't go for yourself at first, go for your son -- maybe your husband would be willing to go with you. You are living your son's hell right now, but there is hope and a solution for the entire family. God Bless, M.
Hi Susan,
I am praying for your son, you, and your family. I am also sending you a link, please go and join........it is for support for you. It is on-line....and a place to start if you don't want to be around other people right now. I am there everynight......to be honest I feel out of place but I still go. The people there are going through what you and I are. You really aren't alone, none of us are.
http://groups.msn.com/Alanon/_whatsnew.msnw
If you visit in the evening you will know I am there by my name. (it is just alittle different)
Take Care,
Tina
I am praying for your son, you, and your family. I am also sending you a link, please go and join........it is for support for you. It is on-line....and a place to start if you don't want to be around other people right now. I am there everynight......to be honest I feel out of place but I still go. The people there are going through what you and I are. You really aren't alone, none of us are.
http://groups.msn.com/Alanon/_whatsnew.msnw
If you visit in the evening you will know I am there by my name. (it is just alittle different)
Take Care,
Tina
Dear Susan, I hope you understand what I want to tell you. This could be the best thing to happen to your son. This could be him reaching his bottom. His wake up call. As awful as it is, this could save his life. He could truly realize now tht he has to change. Try to look at it as a positive thing. I know it's awful for you and him too. But if it takes this for him to get clean and start a new life, in the end it will be worth it. From one mother to another, I understand your pain and sorrow. I know how I would feel if one of my son's was going through this and it would be terrible. Alot of us addicts have to go through something unbearable to clean ourselves up. I'm sorry you both have to go through this. Be strong and know that many of us had to hit bottom before we saved ourselves. Best of luck to you. Much love and compassion, Kat
I agree with everyone here. This will serve as a wake-up call to him hopefully. I've posted to you before. Now that he is "safe", he can get well. And you should feel good about that. I would suggest a support group for yourself too. It would help. But he didn't kill anyone and thats the good thing, so he'll be free soon, both out of jail and out from drugs.
Thanks so much for your compassion. I read your posts to my husband, and we both appreciated them more than you know. I don't know what I'd do without you! I feel such a pain in my heart at seeing my son in chains and looking so sad. He begged us to post bond so he doesn't have to suffer in jail. He has started through withdrawal and feeling pretty bad. I called the county to let them know about his condition and they said he will be observed every 15 minutes. I asked if he would be given anything to help them with the pain. She said he probably would be. So you're all saying he should stay there, right? If he was my old son, I wouldn't hesitate about bringing him home, but he has proven time and time again that he can't be trusted as much as I hate to say it. I am scared to leave him there...but scared to bring him home. The reason he was doing this was to pay off his debt. Body harm was threatened to him and his loved ones. This is such a nighmare!!! What would you do?
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
Well Susan,
I will tell you what I told my husband. I told him he was ever arrested and it had anything to do with drugs to don't even bother to call. I also told his parents about it and told them if they bailed him out that I was moving him right into their house. I know what you did today was very hard for you but it is for the best. Right now you know where he is, that he being watched, and that he can't hurt himself at present or anyone else.
You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Tina
I will tell you what I told my husband. I told him he was ever arrested and it had anything to do with drugs to don't even bother to call. I also told his parents about it and told them if they bailed him out that I was moving him right into their house. I know what you did today was very hard for you but it is for the best. Right now you know where he is, that he being watched, and that he can't hurt himself at present or anyone else.
You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Tina
You need to leave him there. At some point, he needs to deal with the full consequences of his own actions.
I don't know. I disagree. I think you should force him into rehab. I know we all think jail would be better, but in the long run, it's not. What he needs is help with his addiction, and he won't receive proper treatment while confined. Ya, he has to pay. And he will. But right now, his illness has consumed him. It has forced him to do things he never would have done. So again, my advice is "bail=rehab"...
dev,
you dont know me ... but let me say that I have been there and I was left in jail for 3 days.. I went through withdrawls there and it was bad... but I lived.. if you bring him home there is too things you must consider... the impact seeing him like that will have on the family... you, any children in the home, ect... unless I miss my guess he just might try to manipulate you or others to give him something to ease things and put you in a really hard spot because part of his bond will be that he can not have anything unless it is Rx'd... and under most conditions (you might get lucky if you have a good relationship with a doc) you wont get a doc to give you any thing.. so if you do give him anything you are in trouble and if you dont it is just more guilt and pain... and secondly if you make his bond ... can you really trust that after he is done being sick he wont run and cost you to lose your bond...?... I know this sound terrible.. but let me tell you a little part of my story... I was finally bonded out after 3 days... an insane judge at the time set my bond at 120,000.00 dollars.. (just for obtaining pills!!) so my in-laws that I respected and loved more than life.. went my bond and I went home... with 5 months clean and waiting my hearings and stuff... I relapsed because I didnt go to NA or anything else...that relapse could have cost those wonderful people 120,000.00!!!! But this addiction is sooo powerful ... nobody would have thought that someone like me.. highly educated, good mom, warm hearted, giving... would for one minute be an addict but let alone do anything to cost those dear people all that money that they put up for me... Thank God that they didnt lose it ...
Lastly I do thank God for my legal troubles ... I got clean and went to treatment... I have been clean for 4 and 1/2 years. I was held accountable for my behavior and if I hadnt been I know beyond a doubt I would still be using and getting clean and using and getting clean.... that nasty cycle...
so to make a long story short...lol... a little late I now..
as much as it hurts and as much as you love your son... I would leave him there.. at least for a while and if you did get him out... start legal proceedings to have him involuntarily commited to a locked treatment facility.... or check into it...
just my two cents...
God Bless you all..
Teresa
you dont know me ... but let me say that I have been there and I was left in jail for 3 days.. I went through withdrawls there and it was bad... but I lived.. if you bring him home there is too things you must consider... the impact seeing him like that will have on the family... you, any children in the home, ect... unless I miss my guess he just might try to manipulate you or others to give him something to ease things and put you in a really hard spot because part of his bond will be that he can not have anything unless it is Rx'd... and under most conditions (you might get lucky if you have a good relationship with a doc) you wont get a doc to give you any thing.. so if you do give him anything you are in trouble and if you dont it is just more guilt and pain... and secondly if you make his bond ... can you really trust that after he is done being sick he wont run and cost you to lose your bond...?... I know this sound terrible.. but let me tell you a little part of my story... I was finally bonded out after 3 days... an insane judge at the time set my bond at 120,000.00 dollars.. (just for obtaining pills!!) so my in-laws that I respected and loved more than life.. went my bond and I went home... with 5 months clean and waiting my hearings and stuff... I relapsed because I didnt go to NA or anything else...that relapse could have cost those wonderful people 120,000.00!!!! But this addiction is sooo powerful ... nobody would have thought that someone like me.. highly educated, good mom, warm hearted, giving... would for one minute be an addict but let alone do anything to cost those dear people all that money that they put up for me... Thank God that they didnt lose it ...
Lastly I do thank God for my legal troubles ... I got clean and went to treatment... I have been clean for 4 and 1/2 years. I was held accountable for my behavior and if I hadnt been I know beyond a doubt I would still be using and getting clean and using and getting clean.... that nasty cycle...
so to make a long story short...lol... a little late I now..
as much as it hurts and as much as you love your son... I would leave him there.. at least for a while and if you did get him out... start legal proceedings to have him involuntarily commited to a locked treatment facility.... or check into it...
just my two cents...
God Bless you all..
Teresa
danny,
I am sorry for butting in but.... in my area.. most of the rehabs are self reporting and you can leave anytime you want for any reason... you just walk off... and because of HIPPA rules and confidentiality... even if he gives permission for his mom to be notified of his treatment and all his activities in rehab upon admission... he can resend it upon getting in there without her knowledge and then leave...
As I agree in therory with your assessment of his needing help... sometimes having consequenses for a time gets one ready for rehab... and I think the risks are too high for this family to keep extending trust to this person just to loose everything waitin for his ton of bricks to fall...
He is definately worth it and I fell certain that this family will get and give him all the love and help he needs ... I just dont know when the appropiate time will be...
That is why I suggested the court ordered commitment...
Much respect..
Teresa
I am sorry for butting in but.... in my area.. most of the rehabs are self reporting and you can leave anytime you want for any reason... you just walk off... and because of HIPPA rules and confidentiality... even if he gives permission for his mom to be notified of his treatment and all his activities in rehab upon admission... he can resend it upon getting in there without her knowledge and then leave...
As I agree in therory with your assessment of his needing help... sometimes having consequenses for a time gets one ready for rehab... and I think the risks are too high for this family to keep extending trust to this person just to loose everything waitin for his ton of bricks to fall...
He is definately worth it and I fell certain that this family will get and give him all the love and help he needs ... I just dont know when the appropiate time will be...
That is why I suggested the court ordered commitment...
Much respect..
Teresa
Nice to see you posting, Teresa. :)
thank you none.... that means alot...
Teresa
Teresa
Teresa,, certainly don't disagree with the court ordered treatment, and you are right, you can "bug out" at any time. When I was in to quit Xanax, I saw several people just leave. My roomate did. One minute, he seemed ok, and the next, he was gone! I also saw people using out in the parking lot. Thats why I suggested a "lock-down" type of thing. When I detoxed off the Xanax, there was no way I could go anywhere without them catching me. But at the same time, I sought out treatment for myself and was very resolved to do it.
I sure hope that this wakes him up!!! hang in there mom, it will be ok and remember what ever is going to happen it will no matter what, so please dont stress over it, better said that done, i know, i know trust me, been there, done that...
Hi Dev,
I have to agree with everybody on this thread. You need to leave him there. I know it's hard when it comes to your children but it's actually the best thing you can do for him now. Just pray and trust God will protect him. This could be what God has put into place to bring him to the point of wanting help.
You can't do any more for him now. Just trust in God. Let your son see you're not always going to be there to bail him out of trouble. You can let him know you love him, which I'm sure he know's. But you won't condone what he's been doing. Let him know that when he's ready to seek help you then will be there for him, but you won't stand around and watch him kill himself.
I have to agree with everybody on this thread. You need to leave him there. I know it's hard when it comes to your children but it's actually the best thing you can do for him now. Just pray and trust God will protect him. This could be what God has put into place to bring him to the point of wanting help.
You can't do any more for him now. Just trust in God. Let your son see you're not always going to be there to bail him out of trouble. You can let him know you love him, which I'm sure he know's. But you won't condone what he's been doing. Let him know that when he's ready to seek help you then will be there for him, but you won't stand around and watch him kill himself.
Thanks, everyone for your concern and your posts. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you through this whole thing, and I'm sure I'm still going to need your support and guidance. My husband started to weaken there and tell him how it was going to be if we brought him home. Being concerned for his safety - both from the drugs and from threats he has gotten because he owes still more money - I said that I felt he was safer in jail. The judge we had was very good. He was firm and stern with our son pointing out that it's time to accept the consequences for his actions like a man and take this opportunity to get clean. He allowed us 15 minutes to talk with our son about what had happened and decide. I even got to hug him. We decided to wait and discuss it further. I am grateful that we did.
Shortly after we got home, I got a call from his girlfriend. I would seem that she's not the enemy we thought she was. She may have, because of the friends she had, got him started. We don't know. She claims that he was doing it awhile before she even knew he was. She also shed light on QUITE a bit of lies that we had no clue about...and they were serious things!!!!
I'm telling you....seeing the police car and him handcuffed and then him begging us not to make him be sick in jail, it crushed me! But I had to keep reminding myself that he's alive this time....maybe not the next time. Also, we found out that he hit a police car with the truck he was in, and the judge said that if the officer had been hurt, he never would have seen the light of day. Besides that, he could have hit an innocent person or childl I am counting my blessings that he is still alive and hoping that his withdrawal isn't too severe....but painful enough to keep him from relapsing. By the way, his girlfriend also told me that he's not on oxycontin. He's been on heroin for quite some time. He has never stopped.
I'm going to go lay down. No sleep last night and I have to watch my granddaughter for her mom to go to class this evening. Thanks again for being there for us! I am eternally grateful!
Love,
Susan
Shortly after we got home, I got a call from his girlfriend. I would seem that she's not the enemy we thought she was. She may have, because of the friends she had, got him started. We don't know. She claims that he was doing it awhile before she even knew he was. She also shed light on QUITE a bit of lies that we had no clue about...and they were serious things!!!!
I'm telling you....seeing the police car and him handcuffed and then him begging us not to make him be sick in jail, it crushed me! But I had to keep reminding myself that he's alive this time....maybe not the next time. Also, we found out that he hit a police car with the truck he was in, and the judge said that if the officer had been hurt, he never would have seen the light of day. Besides that, he could have hit an innocent person or childl I am counting my blessings that he is still alive and hoping that his withdrawal isn't too severe....but painful enough to keep him from relapsing. By the way, his girlfriend also told me that he's not on oxycontin. He's been on heroin for quite some time. He has never stopped.
I'm going to go lay down. No sleep last night and I have to watch my granddaughter for her mom to go to class this evening. Thanks again for being there for us! I am eternally grateful!
Love,
Susan
Dev- Thats what we all suspected, that he was using something else. I'm not a "tough love" case but I can see where it is used effectively. The Judge sounds very wise. But remember, this is caused by a disease he has no control over right now. BUT..and a big BUT..he can control it if he wants to. See, thats the key here. Unless you surrender, you can't heal. And unless you heal, you can't become a productive member of society. So really, it's up to him. Also understand this is not your fault or Dad's. This stuff creeps up on people that don't expect it, don't want it and don't realize it until it's too late. Thats what I meant in my last signature, which I change often "For they talk too loud, And take the hope and peace from your heart.. We call this surrender" I'm going to post the whole song. Read it and maybe it will make you feel better.
Hold your head up high you know
You've come a long way, a long way
Tainted as a fugitive with nothing left to say
Temptation may come, hope your vision doesn't stray
In the name of god you may be forced away
Moving forward to the only place you know
Side tracked by some indiscretion,
Changing as you go
Temptation may come, hope your
Conscience doesn't hide
The longest trip you'll take is inside
It's the last time,
Telling myself everything
Call me over, than bring me back again
It's the last chance,
Telling myself, that I believe
Your forever, is mine, and all I need
Now! Life! Tell me now, in your arms
All I really need, is you by my side
I sing this to you, all the world and all it is
I bring this to you, this gift of love
It's the last time, getting it, this life
First calling, in a silent spring
It's the first time, getting it, this life
First calling, in a silent spring
Fear! Strikes!-Deeper than-visionary
Screams and tears, never justify this love
Talk! Talk! listening....
Like the first words ever to reach out
Talk! Talk!
Like the first sounds, in a silent spring
Talk! Talk! listening.....
Like the first words ever to reach out to you
Talk! Talk!
Like the first sound, you start to sing
So take your time
Look round and see
The most in time,
Is where you're meant to be
For they talk too loud,
And take the hope and peace
From your heart
We call this surrender
Slowly towards the north,
And this endless dream,
Giving ourselves everything
We're deserving,
We're gonna bring it back again
It's the last time,
Telling myself everything
It's the last time,
Bring me back, bring me back again
When the world brings you down
You can search you inside
For the love you will find
(Bring me back home)
When the world brings you down
You can search you inside
When the world brings you down
I've waited so long
When the world brings you down
You gotta play this living game
When the world brings you down
So take your time
Look round and see
The most in time,
Is where you're meant to be
For you are light
Inside your dreams
For you will find,
That it's something
That touches me.
Hold your head up high you know
You've come a long way, a long way
Tainted as a fugitive with nothing left to say
Temptation may come, hope your vision doesn't stray
In the name of god you may be forced away
Moving forward to the only place you know
Side tracked by some indiscretion,
Changing as you go
Temptation may come, hope your
Conscience doesn't hide
The longest trip you'll take is inside
It's the last time,
Telling myself everything
Call me over, than bring me back again
It's the last chance,
Telling myself, that I believe
Your forever, is mine, and all I need
Now! Life! Tell me now, in your arms
All I really need, is you by my side
I sing this to you, all the world and all it is
I bring this to you, this gift of love
It's the last time, getting it, this life
First calling, in a silent spring
It's the first time, getting it, this life
First calling, in a silent spring
Fear! Strikes!-Deeper than-visionary
Screams and tears, never justify this love
Talk! Talk! listening....
Like the first words ever to reach out
Talk! Talk!
Like the first sounds, in a silent spring
Talk! Talk! listening.....
Like the first words ever to reach out to you
Talk! Talk!
Like the first sound, you start to sing
So take your time
Look round and see
The most in time,
Is where you're meant to be
For they talk too loud,
And take the hope and peace
From your heart
We call this surrender
Slowly towards the north,
And this endless dream,
Giving ourselves everything
We're deserving,
We're gonna bring it back again
It's the last time,
Telling myself everything
It's the last time,
Bring me back, bring me back again
When the world brings you down
You can search you inside
For the love you will find
(Bring me back home)
When the world brings you down
You can search you inside
When the world brings you down
I've waited so long
When the world brings you down
You gotta play this living game
When the world brings you down
So take your time
Look round and see
The most in time,
Is where you're meant to be
For you are light
Inside your dreams
For you will find,
That it's something
That touches me.
Thanks, Danny, you're very kind to take the time to share that with me. I feel totally wiped out. Will write more later. God bless!
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
