I just want to feel good again. It's been a long time since I felt that way. And I'm scared I will never feel it again. No matter how many pills I wash down with how many beers, I can never feel good enough.
They say the only way out is through....but that's what scares me. I am so low already, I know that the depression after withdrawals is enough to kill me.
I'm never good enough for my husband. I say what he wants, I do what he wants...still, never enough. Or it's too much. There is no pleasing him. I can go from one extreme to another and every step in between...but it's never right.
The booze and pills don't make me feel good anymore. But it takes the sting of the hurt away a little bit.
Honestly, I don't know why I'm not dead already. The pain is so severe.
I'm sorry if this is coming across all wrong. I am just feeling really awful and had a few really bad moments these last 2 days.
I keep saying that I don't know what I need...that if I knew what I needed, I'd ask for it. Well, I need to feel loved....period. And I don't. If I were this big, bad, mean person, I could understand. But I don't think I am any of those things. And it's not fair!! I know that is 100 percent self-pity. But it really isn't fair, is it? Don't I deserve to be loved?
The only reason I go on day after day is because I have kids whose survival depends on me. I couldn't leave them with just their dad.
So, I figure I have 6 or 7 days left. Then the hell of withdrawal begins. Then the dread and doom and depression. How am I going to survive that? Especially here? In this house?
God, please be with me.
I'm sorry, I just needed to get it all out there.
Jodi..
Take a minute to breath.You can do this.It is gonna be an emotional time.But it will pass
Everyone wants to be loved.And you're right it's not fair.I don't know your history w/ your husband but it sounds like there have been problems for a while.
You need to do this for you.And then maybe things will work themself out.At least when you are clean you can look at things w/ a clear mind and know what you need to do.
I wish you the best of luck.And don't go to far from the computer.Let me know how you are.If i can help, i will....
Take a minute to breath.You can do this.It is gonna be an emotional time.But it will pass
Everyone wants to be loved.And you're right it's not fair.I don't know your history w/ your husband but it sounds like there have been problems for a while.
You need to do this for you.And then maybe things will work themself out.At least when you are clean you can look at things w/ a clear mind and know what you need to do.
I wish you the best of luck.And don't go to far from the computer.Let me know how you are.If i can help, i will....
Jodi- I am here too. It's not easy to be where you are at right now so give yourself a break. Find some help so you can live the solution and not the problem. Go to a detox if you can. If you can't do anything right for your hubby then don't do what's right for you. Chances are he will be an a****** either way. I think I know the type. Get some real help Jodi. It's the best thing you could do for all of your family and yourself. What is going on? Do you have pain issues as well as addiction or is it the pain of being addicted that is hurting you?
Love,
jane
Love,
jane
I am facing fear of withdrawal as well...I do not have to stop..I am not abusing..but being on "pain mgmt" is making me feel out of control and depressed....bringing back a lot of bad memories of when I abused. Let me say this...you do need to feel loved...as do I...as does every human being on the planet. And I have also self-medicated in the past because I was never "good enough".You have to start learning how to love you. A frightening and foreign concept? Think about it. You are already loved by the creator of all.....you just don't feel it. Stop trying to please your husband...think about you and how you will feel about yourself when you have stopped the drinking and drugging...you will respect yourself.I know it is easier said than done but like any other learned thing in life....self-love is something else for you to learn. You are worth it. I know you are hurting and probably feel disgusted with yourself...I am taking pills (as rxed) and I am disgusted with myself. Tomorrow is a new day....you will be a new you. The withdrawals will come and you will feel sick...but you will get through it...you won't die. You can e-mail me for support mylash1@yahoo.com if you need to. I can relate to how you are feeling so much.Think on this,please. You want to be happy...healthy...loved. What can you do to get there? Nurture yourself with positive thoughts...every step will bring you closer to your true (beautiful)nature. I know you can do it. NO...it won't be easy. I have started tapering down and I am moody, in pain and depressed. But I am accomplishing something I want for me. Not my BF...my Doctor...my daughter....for me.So I can be at peace with myself. Please...believe in yourself. I would like you to take a pad and a pencil and write down all the GOOD things about yourself. And read it...often. I will pray for you(and myself) Bless you....With love, Sharonn
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wendy
Wendy

JODI............

jodi we are............

and we may get lost and scratched up....even fall out.......
but............

if no one told this today...........

pray this every day........


i hope your smiling.............
bless your heart.........jodi and sharon........
if there is anything i can do to help you.......supportplease@aol.com
when you begin to go through withdraws,,,, remember were here with you all the way.....
withdraw will not last forever..............you can do it.....
you will feel so much beter once all the toxins from the pills and booze is gone form your body......
you cant do this forever.............why not stop now.......
you will have to face this day sooner ot later anyways........
the pills always run out.....
there are other posters here with much more wisdom than me and much better at there wording..........
but i can offer you my love and my prayers.........
thumper
Dear jodi
i have spent my entire life people pleasing my parents and husband to LOVE me and they still dont.
i CRAVE love so much, fortunately i have 2 sons and my animals to love and they return the love back to me.
when i was using it bothered me more that i was unloved by the people i mentioned, so i self medicated to numb the pain and like thumper said the pills run out and then you stop feeling the pills and then you need them just to be able to function. I HATE and FEAR withdrawals so much that i checked myself into rehab this past july after trying to do it cold turkey on my own, and it was the best thing i ever did, i am on suboxone which spared me the pain and fear of withdrawals, i have almost 6 mos clean! and you know what? each day i get stronger with the help of God, NA, meetings and my counselors, i dont need their love anymore, i love ME my children and animals love me and thats all that matters today, i want out of my miserable marriage to an alcoholic/porn addict, i will never rely on a man in the future for my happiness or for financial support again. i could write a book on the pain and suffering my husband and mom and dad put upon me. there is hope jodi, i know how awful depression is, i have been SEVERELY depressed before but paxil has helped tremendously. dont give up, get clean you will feel so much better and your outlook on life will change. jewels/k-9 lover
i have spent my entire life people pleasing my parents and husband to LOVE me and they still dont.
i CRAVE love so much, fortunately i have 2 sons and my animals to love and they return the love back to me.
when i was using it bothered me more that i was unloved by the people i mentioned, so i self medicated to numb the pain and like thumper said the pills run out and then you stop feeling the pills and then you need them just to be able to function. I HATE and FEAR withdrawals so much that i checked myself into rehab this past july after trying to do it cold turkey on my own, and it was the best thing i ever did, i am on suboxone which spared me the pain and fear of withdrawals, i have almost 6 mos clean! and you know what? each day i get stronger with the help of God, NA, meetings and my counselors, i dont need their love anymore, i love ME my children and animals love me and thats all that matters today, i want out of my miserable marriage to an alcoholic/porn addict, i will never rely on a man in the future for my happiness or for financial support again. i could write a book on the pain and suffering my husband and mom and dad put upon me. there is hope jodi, i know how awful depression is, i have been SEVERELY depressed before but paxil has helped tremendously. dont give up, get clean you will feel so much better and your outlook on life will change. jewels/k-9 lover
Jodi,
It is true that we go through a "lower" point immediately after we quit using. But it doesn't last forever. Try to look at the bigger picture. Envision the light at the end of the tunnel and know it is within reach once you stop. I wish you would go to detox and rehab or IOP. Since nothing you say or do ever pleases HIM anyway, why not just work on pleasing yourself.
Yes, you absolutely deserve to love and be loved. It's a basic human need. But your husband has his own problems that he is unwilling to face, and may not even be capable of giving you a fraction of what you need.
Focus on loving yourself and draw strength from the love of your precious children.
The hell you have been through this past year is FAR greater than the temporary low you will feel immediately after quitting. I think you are a lot stronger than you think you are.
I don't remember if you have looked into sub or not. I would encourage you to do so. It might be the transitional tool you need.
Don't give up, and don't doubt yourself. It's difficult to tap into our inner strength when we always have someone telling us how worthless we are, BUT that DOES NOT mean that inner strength is not still there. I know you can do this.
If I can ever help you in any way, just send me an email. I would be more than happy to do anything I can to help.
You are so worth this, Jodi. I have faith in you.
It is true that we go through a "lower" point immediately after we quit using. But it doesn't last forever. Try to look at the bigger picture. Envision the light at the end of the tunnel and know it is within reach once you stop. I wish you would go to detox and rehab or IOP. Since nothing you say or do ever pleases HIM anyway, why not just work on pleasing yourself.
Yes, you absolutely deserve to love and be loved. It's a basic human need. But your husband has his own problems that he is unwilling to face, and may not even be capable of giving you a fraction of what you need.
Focus on loving yourself and draw strength from the love of your precious children.
The hell you have been through this past year is FAR greater than the temporary low you will feel immediately after quitting. I think you are a lot stronger than you think you are.
I don't remember if you have looked into sub or not. I would encourage you to do so. It might be the transitional tool you need.
Don't give up, and don't doubt yourself. It's difficult to tap into our inner strength when we always have someone telling us how worthless we are, BUT that DOES NOT mean that inner strength is not still there. I know you can do this.
If I can ever help you in any way, just send me an email. I would be more than happy to do anything I can to help.
You are so worth this, Jodi. I have faith in you.
Jodi,Most definitely you deserve love.The problem is that your definition of what that is may be a little twisted.
Sometimes our addiction seems to be the most comfortable place because we know what's going to happen.The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing,even if it's for the better.
For years I wanted to be clean and sober but I just wanted to wake up one day and be there.I didn't want to do the work required.After knowing you for a couple of years,I can pretty much conclude that this is the case.
I don't care what route you choose to get there,it will all take a lot of work.If I told you any different,I would be lying.
The depression and angst from detoxing is real and something you will have to go through to get to the other side.
This guy you are married to is sick.You are too.The difference is that you are not responsible for him.You can't keep using him as an excuse.You will get clean and still be married to an a******.That's not going to magically correct itself.
My wish for you is to get clean and discover what self love is.That is the only way you will ever get any power back in your life.When you have self esteem and respect you won't have to worry about the other kind of love.This may require you being on your own awhile without a man around.
Others will start noticing that light in you.Right now it's been extinguished.You know what to do to get it lit again.
Sometimes our addiction seems to be the most comfortable place because we know what's going to happen.The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing,even if it's for the better.
For years I wanted to be clean and sober but I just wanted to wake up one day and be there.I didn't want to do the work required.After knowing you for a couple of years,I can pretty much conclude that this is the case.
I don't care what route you choose to get there,it will all take a lot of work.If I told you any different,I would be lying.
The depression and angst from detoxing is real and something you will have to go through to get to the other side.
This guy you are married to is sick.You are too.The difference is that you are not responsible for him.You can't keep using him as an excuse.You will get clean and still be married to an a******.That's not going to magically correct itself.
My wish for you is to get clean and discover what self love is.That is the only way you will ever get any power back in your life.When you have self esteem and respect you won't have to worry about the other kind of love.This may require you being on your own awhile without a man around.
Others will start noticing that light in you.Right now it's been extinguished.You know what to do to get it lit again.
What you need dear Jodi, is to love yourself first.
Well, we will see how much I love myself when I have to show up next Friday at my son's school conference dope sick. What a mother, huh? Ahhh....there never is a convenient time to detox is there?
No, Jodi there isn't ever a convienent time except there is a good time and that's right now....I have gone to conferences higher than a kite on handfuls of pills, then while in w/d's but today, I can say I go clean and sober....You can do this and you need to get honest with yourself and pray, ask your HP to help you. We can't do it for you but we can be here for support and to love you until you can start loving yourself and the day will come if you're willing to do the work...It is a simple program....
(((hugs))))
Stacey
(((hugs))))
Stacey
Jodi, honey, the only thing holding you back is you. You are no different than anyone else here, no better, no worse. We all have our tales of woe. We all had our excuses. Every day you choose to stay in the hell you are in. It is your choice to not get help. You can change. Go to a meeting and ask for help. That's what I had to do. I didn't go thru a detox or rehab. I was suicidal. I didn't care if I lived or died. I thought my life was over. But it wasn't and yours isn't either. Unless you continue. Eventually you will overdose or go to jail or flip out. That's what happens to addicts. Jails, institutions, or death. No more worries about meeting with the kids' teachers high or withdrawing. No more worrying about who is going to take care of them. It will be out of your hands. It's time to stop the BS, Jodi. Yes, it's going to be hard but it's going to be better than what you are doing now. No one can do it for you though. You have to take the second step. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. The second is doing something about it other than feel sorry for yourself. I wasted many years in self pity. Don't you. It's a terrible way to be.
You can email me any time, Jodi. My hand is out to you.
You can email me any time, Jodi. My hand is out to you.
Jodi, I think detox is the best way to go. Like everyone said here, detox can be painful, but it worth it to get to the other side. The freedom from the way you are living now is so sweet, you will feel better about yourself. Just by beating that demon, I feel so much more self esteem. Love is here, too, and I never though that can happen. I can relate to that needing to be loved...I felt that way for a long time.
You just hav eto take a deep breath and trust....and go to detox. Please, just give yourself that chance...
Hugs!!
You just hav eto take a deep breath and trust....and go to detox. Please, just give yourself that chance...
Hugs!!
Jodi,
Would you mind saying what you are taking, how much and for how long? You may have said it here but I just cant recall. I ask because I think it may make a difference in how you go about getting clean. Also, have you given serious tries before and what were they. As a personal frame of reference, I tapered down from 10 and climbing a day of Vicodin ES over 5 years. I got to around 3 when I ran out and jumped off from there. It was an uncomfortable week, no sleep, exhaustion 24 hours a day, many bathroom visits, cold spells, hot spells, and did I mention no sleep? lol - no sleep and the energy to barely get dressed are what I remember most vividly. I also remember though that around day 5 I woke up after a few hours sleep and realized hey I dont feel "jittery and good for nothing today". I actually felt like getting in the shower, tackling a few things around the house,etc. The worst for me was over. As the weeks went on I went between feeling scared wondering how I would function at work, in social settings, etc. to feeling wonderful that I was actually able to function at work and be in a social setting and get by just fine. JODI - IT WAS SO DOABLE FOR ME, AND IT COULD BE FOR ANYONE IN THAT POSITION. If your doc, amount of time, amount of pills is significantly larger than mine was, you may need a different course of action. But LOOK AROUND, many here have beaten this thing. Have you looked into Suboxone? Or checking into a detox program and getting away from all your stresses and really learning to function again on your own?
I PROMISE YOU - In time you will love being sober. You will not want to go back to the misery of wondering if you have enough pills, will you be there for your children, will you kill yourself, etc. The highs become so much harder to achieve and are never worth the agony it takes to get there. EVERYTHING about my life is better now. The work you put into getting straight is a learning and growing process. Something ONLY YOU can do for yourself and ONLY YOU can get the credit for.
The hard work in the beginning will only make you feel prouder about yourself. Remind yourself with each day that you are one day closer to a better you. Every hour spent in the bathroom is an hour less of poisons in your system. If you started this a week ago, youd be close to home free now. We learn to build on each day clean. Be prepared for at least 5 - 7 days of feeling downright crappy. Call it the flu. It will pass. Then go to meetings or find others in your same situation to share and learn with. You are NOT happy with the Jodi you are now. You will LOVE the new Jodi that defeats this drugged demon. I PROMISE YOU. I dont know your situation with alcohol. I can have a glass or two of wine, or a drink, if I want to. I usually dont want to. Christmas Eve I had a drink to be"sociable". I just had the one. I enjoy watching others get stupid rather than me. Its a wonderful feeling to remember all that goes on and the next day to know you didnt say or do anything that would hurt you or anyone else. A HEALTHY SELF ESTEEM IS A WONDERFUL THING. ONLY SOBRIETY CAN HELP YOU ACHIEVE IT. Good luck Jodi! Give it your best shot. Thats all any of us can do.
Would you mind saying what you are taking, how much and for how long? You may have said it here but I just cant recall. I ask because I think it may make a difference in how you go about getting clean. Also, have you given serious tries before and what were they. As a personal frame of reference, I tapered down from 10 and climbing a day of Vicodin ES over 5 years. I got to around 3 when I ran out and jumped off from there. It was an uncomfortable week, no sleep, exhaustion 24 hours a day, many bathroom visits, cold spells, hot spells, and did I mention no sleep? lol - no sleep and the energy to barely get dressed are what I remember most vividly. I also remember though that around day 5 I woke up after a few hours sleep and realized hey I dont feel "jittery and good for nothing today". I actually felt like getting in the shower, tackling a few things around the house,etc. The worst for me was over. As the weeks went on I went between feeling scared wondering how I would function at work, in social settings, etc. to feeling wonderful that I was actually able to function at work and be in a social setting and get by just fine. JODI - IT WAS SO DOABLE FOR ME, AND IT COULD BE FOR ANYONE IN THAT POSITION. If your doc, amount of time, amount of pills is significantly larger than mine was, you may need a different course of action. But LOOK AROUND, many here have beaten this thing. Have you looked into Suboxone? Or checking into a detox program and getting away from all your stresses and really learning to function again on your own?
I PROMISE YOU - In time you will love being sober. You will not want to go back to the misery of wondering if you have enough pills, will you be there for your children, will you kill yourself, etc. The highs become so much harder to achieve and are never worth the agony it takes to get there. EVERYTHING about my life is better now. The work you put into getting straight is a learning and growing process. Something ONLY YOU can do for yourself and ONLY YOU can get the credit for.
The hard work in the beginning will only make you feel prouder about yourself. Remind yourself with each day that you are one day closer to a better you. Every hour spent in the bathroom is an hour less of poisons in your system. If you started this a week ago, youd be close to home free now. We learn to build on each day clean. Be prepared for at least 5 - 7 days of feeling downright crappy. Call it the flu. It will pass. Then go to meetings or find others in your same situation to share and learn with. You are NOT happy with the Jodi you are now. You will LOVE the new Jodi that defeats this drugged demon. I PROMISE YOU. I dont know your situation with alcohol. I can have a glass or two of wine, or a drink, if I want to. I usually dont want to. Christmas Eve I had a drink to be"sociable". I just had the one. I enjoy watching others get stupid rather than me. Its a wonderful feeling to remember all that goes on and the next day to know you didnt say or do anything that would hurt you or anyone else. A HEALTHY SELF ESTEEM IS A WONDERFUL THING. ONLY SOBRIETY CAN HELP YOU ACHIEVE IT. Good luck Jodi! Give it your best shot. Thats all any of us can do.
Using my husband as an excuse?
Maybe...but you are welcome to come live in my house right this minute.
Maybe it's an excuse....
but I don't know how to get out.
Any takers? lol....
A bewildered wife and two sons?
f***!!! What now?
Maybe...but you are welcome to come live in my house right this minute.
Maybe it's an excuse....
but I don't know how to get out.
Any takers? lol....
A bewildered wife and two sons?
f***!!! What now?
Jodi,
You know I love you, but you've gotta take some action now. You're past the point... please listen to everyone... we REALLY TRULY CARE FOR YOU!!!!
Read the above messages to you over and over until it sticks. I don't want something to happen to you. You bought the ticket, you take the ride, and the ride won't last forever. It just has to be done.
Please.
Stac
You know I love you, but you've gotta take some action now. You're past the point... please listen to everyone... we REALLY TRULY CARE FOR YOU!!!!
Read the above messages to you over and over until it sticks. I don't want something to happen to you. You bought the ticket, you take the ride, and the ride won't last forever. It just has to be done.
Please.
Stac
Jodi,
It sounds like you need a therapist for the love issues and how to deal with your husband's abusive behavior....and yes, picking, picking is abuse. My daughter-in-law has found such a therapist and it has made all the difference in her life both in dealing with a toxic mother issue and in learning how to deal with my son, who means well, but has issues. She thinks this therapist is the most wonderful person in the world and worth every cent and I believe she's right! If you don't have the money for a therapist, you do need to learn to love yourself as others have said. Get to the self help section of a library or bookstore. You'll feel better with greater understanding. ((((Hugs))))))
It sounds like you need a therapist for the love issues and how to deal with your husband's abusive behavior....and yes, picking, picking is abuse. My daughter-in-law has found such a therapist and it has made all the difference in her life both in dealing with a toxic mother issue and in learning how to deal with my son, who means well, but has issues. She thinks this therapist is the most wonderful person in the world and worth every cent and I believe she's right! If you don't have the money for a therapist, you do need to learn to love yourself as others have said. Get to the self help section of a library or bookstore. You'll feel better with greater understanding. ((((Hugs))))))
Here is the problem-
We've been analyzing this for over two years.Nothing gets acomplished.There comes a point when something is over-processed.
You can't do this thing backwards........trying to figure out what's wrong while your downing mass quantities of booze and pills.It doesn't work that way.
Get clean,turn your will over to a Higher Power and all these peripheral issues will resolve themself.It just might not come out the way you want.
Jodi,I'm not trying to be mean spirited at all but talking about this ad naseum is not doing you any good.
I hope the next post I see will be you attempting to detox.
I have always supported you but will not wallow in the problem.
You are always free to e-mail me.
Hang in there
We've been analyzing this for over two years.Nothing gets acomplished.There comes a point when something is over-processed.
You can't do this thing backwards........trying to figure out what's wrong while your downing mass quantities of booze and pills.It doesn't work that way.
Get clean,turn your will over to a Higher Power and all these peripheral issues will resolve themself.It just might not come out the way you want.
Jodi,I'm not trying to be mean spirited at all but talking about this ad naseum is not doing you any good.
I hope the next post I see will be you attempting to detox.
I have always supported you but will not wallow in the problem.
You are always free to e-mail me.
Hang in there
Tim's right Jodi. It doesn't work that way. You get clean first and the rest will fall into place, I promise.
So what, you'll be detoxing at your son's conference. You've got the flu. It's the last time you'll have to do that.
I know how bad it is in your household. You don't have to defend that. But I also know how bad you want this and how strong you can be. I've heard it in your voice, I've seen you pisseed, remember? So I know you can do this.
Be resolved. Be strong.
Everytime you waver, call me. I will kick your a**. I promise.
So what, you'll be detoxing at your son's conference. You've got the flu. It's the last time you'll have to do that.
I know how bad it is in your household. You don't have to defend that. But I also know how bad you want this and how strong you can be. I've heard it in your voice, I've seen you pisseed, remember? So I know you can do this.
Be resolved. Be strong.
Everytime you waver, call me. I will kick your a**. I promise.