I'm Back......for Now

hi all ....
For those of you that are still here you might remember me.. like cowgirl, tim,

I'm stil married, clean (barely), very stressed, ect...
my husband is going into kidney failure so we are in and out of the hospital... I thought I was stronger than this.. not necessarily about being clean but just handling decisions... I had to sign blood forms, DNR, ect.. he was medicated and couldnt do it.. that was a wake up call for me... I was scared and he has no family her except his kids.. anyway....

just have some time and wanted to check in,.. I dont work any more so,,.. free time is bad for me especially when my husband gets 180 pecs a month,,,, he locks them up but many times when he as been sick esp in the ICU I went looking for the key.... I could have thrown away 8 years... I mostly glad I didnt but I am so anxiety ridden right now because he is having an "episode" where his b/p is 200/120 and his legs are huge.... I forsee another trip to the hospital,,,and the last time about 3 weeks ago was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life.., to be totally responsible for 3 step kids to get to school.. be with him and make really big decisions....


anyway ,,,, glad to see that some of you are still here and clean,,, thanks for listening,,,,,,,,,
Hey Mrs T! So glad to see you.

Wow.I would get my butt to the nearest meeting.I read in Kat's thread you had stopped going. This is a recipe for disaster.It doesn't matter how long you've been clean.Your husband has narcotics in the house,you are stressed out and basically dealing with this alone.Not to mention that this is a unusually stressfull time of year anyway.

Last evening two of our members are MIA.Nobody has heard from them in two weeks.I don't know if they've relapsed but it's not a good sign.

Keep posting today.Lisa's back and I'm sure she will have some words of wisdom.August West is around too.

Later
Thanks Tim....

We have a large house and he has a large detatched gargage. So the hidding places are enormous... We talk alot about things and fortunately he actually has an old strong box like the ones that convience stores used to have where you have a small money slit to drop in but it is made of heavy reinforced steal... even if someone were to take a drill to the lock it make the lock freeze so the only way in is to cut through with a welder... I dont weld.lol..

But I will tell you it does mess with you mind... when I am have a moment and I have that thinking I usually get cranky with him cause he wont give in to me... his decesed wife was an addict... so he knows the drill. I am lucky in that regard...

Thanks for posting.... I was beginning to wonder...lol.. It has been along time....
Merry Christmas..
Teresa..
Hey Teresa,

Its so good to see you but,though Im sorry your having a hard time right now.The hoildays are hard enough without the stress of a loved one being ill.

Somehow,someway,you MUST keep remembering those 8 years.Hold onto them because deep inside you do remember how unhappy usen made you.

Take Care & I hope you have a nice hoilday
lOVE MJ
MJ...
so nice to see you..... How are you? I hope you doing well... I have actually thought of you often. In fact you helped through a tricky situation and you didnt even know it!

I have been having some neuropathic pain in my feet and legs. I take lyrica for that but when I am on them alot then still hurt terribly... Well my doc who even know all my history RX ultram to me.... said it was not addicting... well I wouldnt have questioned him and might have found myself down a bad road.... but remembering your story I gave them to my hubby to dole out to me but luckily I have only had to take maybe 10 in the last two months and they have no effect on me so that part might be dose related. But at any rate thank you for being so open and sharing your life cause I did remember and we all need to take away something cause we never know what might be the one story or corny phrase that just might be the difference between clean and not, and life and death....

thank you all that share so much of your lives and stories here I am sure I am not the only person these thing have helped even years later.....

God Bless
Teresa
Teresa, I do not think I have posted to you, I have always thought of you has having a solid rock recovery, after reading your post my mind was danger danger will robinson!! very slippery slope and you have the presence of mind to know that. you do not need anyone telling you what to do becuz you already the routine. go to a meeting and get out of your head now. I am a caretaker for my mom and her dr was going to rx certain medications and i somehow in a subtle way guided my mom to other medication that is not mind altering and she is 80 yrs old. I guess I was selfish thinking what would happen to my recovery, however she has rarely in her life needed any pain meds and does fine with what the dr gives her. her dr is totally against pain meds and that is a totally different story. It would be very challenging for me to have pain meds at my home even in a lockbox becuz i would take welding classes. poor attempt at humor. I would though learn how that box opens becuz my obsession about what is in there would make me crazy as any addict would. using is not a option. 8 yrs is a major major accomplishment. From your post it almost appears as if your mind has relapsed and please go to ameeting or call another addict in the program. you will get thru this as you have for 8 yrs.

Take care

Carol
Hey Carol...Thanks Teresa.Its nice to know that somehow Ive touched at least one person.It does help me heal when I can help someone else.

Im doing alot better since my relapse.I no longer count days,but months.Its been 8 mths since Ive abused anything....I go back & read those post from when I spiraled down & Im truley ashamed of myself.Who was that woman ?It couldnt be me right?

Anyways,life is good.Not great but Ill take good.That & my girls being fine truley make mylife better.But at least I can enjoy them now being sober.

Carol you too have a nice hoilday
mj
Carol..
I have at a few times obsessed about what in the steal box.. but most of the time it was more of a control thing.,..my thinking then was very insidious. He smokes so my mind was 'he gets his addiction, so why cant he let me have a little bit of mine'.... he is very strong about this issue he wont be manipulated...
I am lucky about that... lol...

But the relapse in my mind statement might be something to think about.,, I dont think that I have went that far cause I dont think about using and I dont put those feelings to action.... and I am here for some extra support or getting help maybe buy offering some help.. but I will consider it....

thanks...
Teresa
Well hello there Mrs...so good to see you posting. Your words of wisdom and recovery are much needed around here.

I loved what Tropical wrote...danger will robinson..LOL Yes, very slippery slope having those pills in your house. Not fair, but it is what it is. Do you still have a sponsor? Sounds to me like it's time to double on meetings and to start taking care of you as well as your family. How is your daughter? How old is she now?

You need support Teresa...my email and numbers are still the same if you want to chat. xxoo
Welcome back, Teresa...

It is great to see you, very much so and I am glad to see you back & posting, you made a huge difference in my life....Your words were missed around here...

I'll post more tomorrow as I got to run...my number & email is the same too, anytime, anywhere....

Big smooches,
Stacey
thanks guys for posting....
actually the steal box in not only lock tight but it is in a different building about 25 yards from the house. I carry one perc with me for him in case we are in church or something and he keeps two in his truck somewhere. I dont think about them cause three would just be a waste of time and cost me his trust my recovery, ect..... so having them so far away and he does use them much and when he does he doesnt tell me so I dont have to hear about it, We really have at this point taken all the precautions that we can but bottom line there is a choice, At the end on the day, those of us that are clean have a choice, to use or not to use, just for today.....

I will admit it has been rocky that is partially why I am here, to get by giving... so thanks again.,,

Cowgirl and Gordon, I dont have your numbers but I would sure like them again...my email has changed since I dont work any more.. it is
twebb518@gmail.com you can mail me your info if you like....

but anyway thanks again just being here has helped again...it really is amazing to me how just a littte support even if it is via computer can turn things around....

God Bless
Teresa
Good Evening Ladies!

It's amazing how hard and how much we are tested. This addiction issue is so a "brain" disease isn't it? We can talk ourselves right in and out of things with no problem at all.

That is why it is imperative for me to go to meetings. I constantly need to get out of my own head. Left to my own devices I am in huge trouble. I am a slow learner...lol....but I did finally get it.

Without meetings and the twelve steps...it was relapse after relapse. I made every excuse know to man as to WHY I couldn't get to a meeting. When I start making excuses is when I REALLY get my arse in gear....cuz I know it's my disease talking at me.

Hope your having a good night!
I agree with KeeKee...I have to go to meetings to stay out of my head. With that much medication in the house you should be back at meetings kiddo. I understand all of the precautions and the "choice" factor but why lay odds on being able to stay clean without all the help you can get? I'm not willing to take that chance. You have so much to give...and are worth the recieving end as well. YGM
You are all right, of course..... I will call an get some updated meeting info later today cant sleep tonight (morning ). Not going to be able to go between the 23rd and 25th so better get one or two in while I can,.,.. it is just that he would construe my going to alot of meetings as "needing" them like I am having weakness because of him and not because this is a disease and it is a cunning SOB. He would not only worry but blame himself.... However, he just might have try to believe the truth if it means the difference between clean and not for me.....

But for now I will do what I first suggested to myself,,lol.. invite one of his 'guy' friends over and then slip out when I find out when a meeting is.... We found out today he has to take diabetic classes the 23rd in the morning and see a surgeon in the afternoon to get a hernia repair and eval to see if he could do the home peritoneal dialysis, and if not I have to bring the hemo home dialysis to this area. That will be like dragging an 80yr old into the 21st centure kicking a screaming (at least for this area) but someone has to start the ball rolling....


sorry for the long post and thanks again for the welcome and the advice.... it is nice to be home for a while...

Teresa
Teresa-Who cares what he thinks? If you're dead it's a mute point.Sorry to be so blunt.

Normal people don't realize that this is a life and death issue for many of us.I've quit worrying what others think about what I need to do to stay sober.I have some earth friends that get it but many don't.
My reaction exactly...who cares what he thinks, this isn't about him. I know you love him and care about what he thinks but that in itself can be co-dependant. What would he think if you relapsed? You just have to explain to him that sometimes you need a little extra encouragment and you get that at meetings. Nuff said. My husband took it personal in the early days as well. Thought it was something he wasn't giving me if I needed to talk to others. He gets it now. Thank God, life is struggle enough.


Hey Teresa, Good to see you. Sounds like life has been quite a ride for you since you were last here. My, how things change, huh?
I am quite honestly surprised that you have gotten away from meetings. Doesn't sound like you at all. What's up with that?
Sorry you are having such a time with your DH, but listen to those who know and get to a meeting, soon!
Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Carol
Im sorry I guess you all misunderstood the reason for my post.... I was going to a meeting just didnt want to add that 'worry' and what would be guilt to my hubby just now. He really can be stresses with bp's at 200/120, dealing with seeing a surgeon AND starting diaysis so time in Feb which if messing up his self image. He also knows that this something that he cant do anything about and if I told him right how that I need to re establish my meeting schedule, he would blame himself..eventhough we have taken every safe guard possible..... I will talk with him about it when his mind is a little less cluttered...
As for 'drugs in the house' they are not in the house..they are in the strong box about 25 yard from the house and I have no Idea where the key is and I know that 3 kids depend on me to be strong so this was more of a boster shot than anything ...
this may be a selfish program but it doesnt have to be a self centered one. I believe there is a slight difference

any way thanks and by the way ...I did go to a meeting last night and it was wonderfrul... will plan to go again Sat while I am shopping....

God Bless
TERESA

Teresa, I simply meant that I would have assumed meetings would always be a major part of your program, for life. I am surprised that your husband wasn't aware of your need for them from day 1, that's all. Some of use wander in and out of the rooms at will, but you, I would have thought, were one who would always make meetings an integral part of life. No harm intended, and I am sorry if you got the wrong impression.
I hope your husband's health improves, and you find a way to get the support you need with his care. I am very sorry you are having such a rough time of it.
love, Carol
Enjoy your meeting today....I haven't been to one since Wed and I'm starting to feel it. I'll go tomorrow for sure. That is if we don't get anymore snow.

I get what you're saying now but agree with Carol, you of all people, I thought would make meetings a part of daily life. I understand what you're saying about your husband and not wanting to "burden" him while he's sick. I get that. I have caused so much damage and worry to my husband that now, anything I can do to make life easier for him, I do it. Luckily, he supports my program, that would have to have been a deal breaker for me.