today I accept that I can NOT control what happens. Its not my place. I have done all I can. I have begged, cried, talked, screamed, I've ask for advice from others, I've contacted lawyers and dhr, I've went to her house everyday, I've stayed away for months at a time.. I've looked from every possible angle for a solution.. And now I see.. I never had the answer.. I was fighting a losing battle all along. My mom is almost 50, she gets prescription pills that she abuses, heavily. She is dying.. She doesn't eat she doesn't see her grand kids our relationship is broken beyond repair.. My grand mother and aunts and uncles all look to me to "fix" my mother.. I have heard a million times how "she's your mother no matter what, she's the only mother you will ever have" " you shouldn't give upon her" " I'd never stop trying if it was my mother. " well let me just tell you, that bothered me a lot.. I have had many many sleepless nights, many sick exhausted days.. I've been stressed to the point of literally having ZERO energy. I am so tired of fighting that I don't want to fight with anyone, about anything, ever again. I have put my mother before my kids, my husband, my job, and my own sanity. The fact is, my mother is a drug addict. She is a self centered, manipulating drug addict. She gets a prescription so she feels justified.. She doesn't have to get better because she doesn't have to admit she has a problem.. She isn't sick.. She isn't crazy.. She's an addict and there is nothing I can make her do.. She's grown.. She is an American citizen.. And as awful as it may sound.. She can slowly kill herself if she so chooses.. If my love and hope and want could make her better she would be better by now.. She has to do it. I can't make her stop. So I choose me.. I choose my kids my husband, my life. I can't stop her from killing herself but I can stop her from killing me. I choose not to give her another ounce of energy.. No more arguments.. No more pity trips and manipulation.. If that makes me an evil or bad person, if that means I gave up or didn't try hard enough.. If that makes people not like me... So be it.. I'm done.. I'm walking away. And there is so much peace in that.. I can breath again. Its not up to me. I can't change it.
"She can slowly kill herself if she so chooses.."
She sounds like an addict/alcoholic like me - she has lost her freedom of choice.
I wish you the best, Amanda.
Apply The Serenity Prayer and you will do well.
Bob
She sounds like an addict/alcoholic like me - she has lost her freedom of choice.
I wish you the best, Amanda.
Apply The Serenity Prayer and you will do well.
Bob
Wow Amanda! That took a lot of strength and courage to stop, pause and reflect. . .and then commit to change the way you have been handling your mom's addiction. Good for you!
I encourage you to seek additional support and information from Naranon/Alanon. Sometimes it is easier to take a stance. Erect your boundaries. Set your priorities. It is much harder to keep them in practice. . . when the addict is begging, pleading or has a (plausible) story. Or when she starts pushing buttons and pulling on your emotional heart strings. You will need all the strength and encouragement you can get to stay strong and weather these storms. This board is fantastic. But there is nothing like face-to-face. (Besides, going to meetings can be YOU time.)
You will also learn how to detach with love. All because you are focusing on you doesn't mean that you don't love her. Be prepared, tho. Your mom may initially tell you that she hates you when you say "No" or enforce your rules. I know my daughter did. She called me evil and a few other choice words when I stopped enabling her. Amanda, it hurt like hell to tell my only child I wasn't going to send money for food after her roommates threw it out, or when her purse was stolen, etc. I feed homeless animals and people. . .but not my own flesh and blood?!
I was reading her texts and she admitted that I stopped enabling her because I loved her. I say all of this to say that my daughter got it! Your mom will too.
Stay strong! So proud of you. Sending a huge hug because I know that you getting to this point was hard and so painful. And, here is a second hug to encourage you to stay free. You go, girl!
Lynn
PS Your words about not being able to stop her from killing herself, but you can stop her from killing you really hit home. Thanks a lot for putting things a little more into perspective for me.
I encourage you to seek additional support and information from Naranon/Alanon. Sometimes it is easier to take a stance. Erect your boundaries. Set your priorities. It is much harder to keep them in practice. . . when the addict is begging, pleading or has a (plausible) story. Or when she starts pushing buttons and pulling on your emotional heart strings. You will need all the strength and encouragement you can get to stay strong and weather these storms. This board is fantastic. But there is nothing like face-to-face. (Besides, going to meetings can be YOU time.)
You will also learn how to detach with love. All because you are focusing on you doesn't mean that you don't love her. Be prepared, tho. Your mom may initially tell you that she hates you when you say "No" or enforce your rules. I know my daughter did. She called me evil and a few other choice words when I stopped enabling her. Amanda, it hurt like hell to tell my only child I wasn't going to send money for food after her roommates threw it out, or when her purse was stolen, etc. I feed homeless animals and people. . .but not my own flesh and blood?!
I was reading her texts and she admitted that I stopped enabling her because I loved her. I say all of this to say that my daughter got it! Your mom will too.
Stay strong! So proud of you. Sending a huge hug because I know that you getting to this point was hard and so painful. And, here is a second hug to encourage you to stay free. You go, girl!
Lynn
PS Your words about not being able to stop her from killing herself, but you can stop her from killing you really hit home. Thanks a lot for putting things a little more into perspective for me.
Everyone has a choice. It may be harder for some but everyone has the opportunity to be selfless.. To put there own wants and needs and selfish desires on hold to do what's best for their loved ones. I have gave 15+ year over to her.. Hoping and praying that one day she would love me enough to be a mother.. To love my kids enough.. I don't think its asking a whole hell of a lot to just be here.. Be present in our lives.. We can't have a ****ing conversation without her passing out sitting up.. She wrecks cars she falls asleep with cigarettes in her hand she over doses.. She acts like a spoiled rotten 5 year old if you don't give her money or her way in general.. God is not the answer for everyone.. Good for you if religion has brought you some peace but I'm more of a face the facts kind of girl.. God has not helped my mother.. Coming off the pulls is her only hope and she doesn't want to be sober.. She loves being high.. She loves it more than anything and anyone.
Thank you for commenting Lynn! People just don't understand until they have lived it! She already tells me horrible things.. That I am evil and I litve watching her suffer and I live to torture her.. That I hate her So on and so on. . It used to really mess with my head.. Its so hard when you live someone and they tell you awful things like that. And not having any support from my grandma who completely enables her.. I used to constantly have to check myself.. Like am I evil? Am I doing the right thing? Its so hard... But at the end of the day I know when she's lying.. I know when she has blue crap hanging out here nose and when she's falling asleep sitting up what it is.. My mother likes to make me feel crazy.. Like I don't really know when she's high.. Its just one big mind game.. Manipulation is how she gets her way.. Its just too exhausting.. It seriously has taken a HUGE toll on my body.. I have to distance myself.. I still like to fantasize that one day she will sober up and thank me for the tough love.. Thank me for pushing her to be the woman I know she can be.. But I don't see it ever happening... I know she's still my mother somewhere deep under all her addiction but I'm not sure I will ever reach her.
Amanda--
Don't know if this article will help or not, but it has helped me to understand my addicted son and my baby sister who OD'd and died at age 56. I, too, am free of the heavyweight on me of dealing with my addicted son. I think we all reach a final end point, where continuing to enable them and allow them to slowly take the life out of us, becomes more than we can bear!
It took me 20 plus years to get there, but now that I have, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Does it hurt?--Yes! Do I think about him or how he is? Yes! The difference is, I don't let it direct my every move any longer and I am taking care of ME and MY Family.
Good luck , stay strong ,now that you have made your decision. There will be good days and bad days and weak days and strong days. Just remember, you matter, too, and you can't direct your mother's life anymore and you shouldn't let her choices direct yours either!
(((HUGS)))
By Elizabeth Hartney, PhD
Updated April 14, 2016
If you've never experienced addiction, it may be hard to understand. What motivates an addict to pursue their addiction despite the costs? Each person's experience of addiction is unique. This article is intended to encourage understanding of people with addictions, not to represent or stigmatize any individual or groups.
Related: How to Help Addicts?
Understanding Addiction: Feeling Apart
Imagine for a moment, that you never really felt comfortable with who you are.
It could be because you failed at everything you tried, or because you were never satisfied with the level of success you did achieve. It could be because you had thoughts and emotions that made you feel different from other people, particularly if you felt you werent as good or as lovable as others. Or perhaps you were actually told, or shown, that you were no good, worthless, or that you existed just to meet other peoples needs.
None of the things that the people around you felt good about felt good to you, either because you were denied them, or because the experience was hollow and unsatisfying in some way.
Understanding Addiction: Getting Hooked
Then imagine you have an experience - you drink, take a drug, win a bet or a game, have a sexual experience, overeat, or buy something for yourself, and suddenly, everything feels great. You feel as if success is easy and right for you, that perhaps others dont understand, but now it feels good to be alive.
There is finally something you can depend on to feel OK.
It might be easy to get what feels good - for a food addict, a quick trip to the corner store and a few dollars can replenish your M&M supplies -- or it might be difficult, for a heroin addict costing a lot of cash, significant risks, and interaction with people you cant trust.
But compared to the emptiness of what you felt before, investing in the chance that you could again feel good about yourself and about being alive is what matters.
Understanding Addiction: Finding Belonging; Experiencing Consequences
Sure, other people dont understand. But that just makes you want to spend time with people who do understand, whose addictions make them feel exactly the way you do. You dont even need to talk about it with them - between you, there is already an understanding. So now you dont feel like an outsider, you feel like an insider, a member of a secret club.
Of course, there is a price to pay. You may put on or lose weight, experience health problems or lose a lot of money, things or relationships. But none of that made you feel happy anyway, and, at least for a short time, your addiction does.
The more people criticize you, the more you want to seek comfort in that good feeling you get from your addiction. The more others lecture you about what you should be doing with your life, the more convinced you are that they dont know what they are talking about.
Sure, you wish what they were saying was true, but underneath, you know that a normal life was never for you.
Except you long for a normal life. You wish that you could take satisfaction in the things that seem to make other people happy, such as graduation, a career and a family. But to get those things, or to experience them the way you want to, you would have to believe in yourself and that self belief has always eluded you.
Related: How to Quit an Addiction?
Understanding Addiction: Wanting a Cure; Feeling Stuck
Most addicts struggle with a double life. You try to keep your addiction secret from most people, most of the time, even when it is quite obvious to those around you. You have a hard time admitting to yourself that being an addict is a problem because no matter how fleeting, your addiction gives you that moment of everything being OK. You want a cure that will take away your addiction, but wont put you back where you started, with all the losses you have built up while you have been addicted.
And that cure is possible for every addict. But it does mean facing the problems that caused the addiction in the first place, the deep dissatisfaction with yourself and your life, and taking responsibility for how your behavior affects other people. It means learning how to experience a gentler sense of pleasure in the small things in life and coping with the many challenges and imperfections of life, without retreating back into your addiction.
Which means accepting being human, just like everyone else.
Don't know if this article will help or not, but it has helped me to understand my addicted son and my baby sister who OD'd and died at age 56. I, too, am free of the heavyweight on me of dealing with my addicted son. I think we all reach a final end point, where continuing to enable them and allow them to slowly take the life out of us, becomes more than we can bear!
It took me 20 plus years to get there, but now that I have, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Does it hurt?--Yes! Do I think about him or how he is? Yes! The difference is, I don't let it direct my every move any longer and I am taking care of ME and MY Family.
Good luck , stay strong ,now that you have made your decision. There will be good days and bad days and weak days and strong days. Just remember, you matter, too, and you can't direct your mother's life anymore and you shouldn't let her choices direct yours either!
(((HUGS)))
By Elizabeth Hartney, PhD
Updated April 14, 2016
If you've never experienced addiction, it may be hard to understand. What motivates an addict to pursue their addiction despite the costs? Each person's experience of addiction is unique. This article is intended to encourage understanding of people with addictions, not to represent or stigmatize any individual or groups.
Related: How to Help Addicts?
Understanding Addiction: Feeling Apart
Imagine for a moment, that you never really felt comfortable with who you are.
It could be because you failed at everything you tried, or because you were never satisfied with the level of success you did achieve. It could be because you had thoughts and emotions that made you feel different from other people, particularly if you felt you werent as good or as lovable as others. Or perhaps you were actually told, or shown, that you were no good, worthless, or that you existed just to meet other peoples needs.
None of the things that the people around you felt good about felt good to you, either because you were denied them, or because the experience was hollow and unsatisfying in some way.
Understanding Addiction: Getting Hooked
Then imagine you have an experience - you drink, take a drug, win a bet or a game, have a sexual experience, overeat, or buy something for yourself, and suddenly, everything feels great. You feel as if success is easy and right for you, that perhaps others dont understand, but now it feels good to be alive.
There is finally something you can depend on to feel OK.
It might be easy to get what feels good - for a food addict, a quick trip to the corner store and a few dollars can replenish your M&M supplies -- or it might be difficult, for a heroin addict costing a lot of cash, significant risks, and interaction with people you cant trust.
But compared to the emptiness of what you felt before, investing in the chance that you could again feel good about yourself and about being alive is what matters.
Understanding Addiction: Finding Belonging; Experiencing Consequences
Sure, other people dont understand. But that just makes you want to spend time with people who do understand, whose addictions make them feel exactly the way you do. You dont even need to talk about it with them - between you, there is already an understanding. So now you dont feel like an outsider, you feel like an insider, a member of a secret club.
Of course, there is a price to pay. You may put on or lose weight, experience health problems or lose a lot of money, things or relationships. But none of that made you feel happy anyway, and, at least for a short time, your addiction does.
The more people criticize you, the more you want to seek comfort in that good feeling you get from your addiction. The more others lecture you about what you should be doing with your life, the more convinced you are that they dont know what they are talking about.
Sure, you wish what they were saying was true, but underneath, you know that a normal life was never for you.
Except you long for a normal life. You wish that you could take satisfaction in the things that seem to make other people happy, such as graduation, a career and a family. But to get those things, or to experience them the way you want to, you would have to believe in yourself and that self belief has always eluded you.
Related: How to Quit an Addiction?
Understanding Addiction: Wanting a Cure; Feeling Stuck
Most addicts struggle with a double life. You try to keep your addiction secret from most people, most of the time, even when it is quite obvious to those around you. You have a hard time admitting to yourself that being an addict is a problem because no matter how fleeting, your addiction gives you that moment of everything being OK. You want a cure that will take away your addiction, but wont put you back where you started, with all the losses you have built up while you have been addicted.
And that cure is possible for every addict. But it does mean facing the problems that caused the addiction in the first place, the deep dissatisfaction with yourself and your life, and taking responsibility for how your behavior affects other people. It means learning how to experience a gentler sense of pleasure in the small things in life and coping with the many challenges and imperfections of life, without retreating back into your addiction.
Which means accepting being human, just like everyone else.
You did the right thing Amanda. Sometimes there's just no fixing a person. Now make a happy life for yourself and family. It's been a long time coming and you deserve it!! Mary ((Hugs))
Amanda...You are NOT responsible for your mother.Your very first priority is YOU...then your child! DO NOT let anyone tell you different! Its complete bulls***. Your mother is sick honey..very sick. She does love you...and her grandkids. She is in a disease that only SHE can get out of. As long as she has breathe though...there is a chance...just don't put YOUR life on HOLD waiting or helping. It sounds as though you have hit YOUR rock bottom and although no one wants to go through this...it is what it is. YOU can now heal...move forward my dear ..and THIS IS A GOOD THING...A GREAT THING! You have entered ACCEPTANCE of what is and are no longer in denial. Just as you had to come to this on your own so does your Mamma.
Thank y'all so much for the support! It really does help knowing that I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person and I come here and am always lifted up with positive words and advice. I'm taking everything day by day.. Me and my husband have seriously been considering moving about an hour away to be closer to his job and further away from my family. I am so looking forward to peaceful days in my life and I still hope my mother can come back to me someday but until then I HAVE to distance myself.
"Everyone has a choice."
No they don't !
Please read Step 1 of AA/NA
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (our addiction)
that our lives had become unmanageable."
What does the word "powerless" mean to you ??
The more you truly understand the situation the better you will be able to deal with it.
All the best.
Bob R
No they don't !
Please read Step 1 of AA/NA
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (our addiction)
that our lives had become unmanageable."
What does the word "powerless" mean to you ??
The more you truly understand the situation the better you will be able to deal with it.
All the best.
Bob R
Look growing up in a home where both parents are addicts.. Where my dad gave me and my sisters pills " because its fun" and with a mother who took any and everything from over the counter sleeping pills to nyquil to cough syrup (she didn't get prescriptions back then) just so she could sleep every sec away... I didnt exactly have anyone looking out for me or anyone who cared what i did..Trust me when I say I learned the hard way growing up. I had my time being young and stupid and did many things I am not proud of. But when I became a mother, my whole life changed.. It put everything in perspective. I knew I didn't want my kids growing up the way I had.. I knew I wanted to be present in their life.. I quit everything cold turkey and haven't looked back. For me,CHOOSING my children was easy. Maybe I'm just angry and bitter but taking her "choice" out of the equation seems like a freaking free pass.. And I'm not OK with that! She doesn't get off that easy! That's how she stays sick! That's how she gets to keep using. She has a choice. She knows what she's doing... She knows that its wrong.. Like I said it may be harder for her but she has a choice.. She CAN get better if she will try. Everyone has a choice.. Even the bible talks about free will.. I refuse to believe that she has no choice..
Thanks for your opinion.
Take care.
Thanks for your opinion.
Take care.
hey - I just want to add this perspective. many years ago, my jaw dropped when a co-worker said in a group discussion that she was 10 years old, getting in a cab, going to the laundry mat, by herself... that was a snap shot of her childhood with addicted parents. your not alone..
I remember my turning point in my early twenties.... I simply had the realization that I did not want to be "out of control" I wanted to be in control of my actions. - not intoxicated, etc.
When I began having children, I lost my friends to Happy Hour twice a week.... we eventually had nothing in common....
Another turning point... when seeing a thearpist after having my first child - I was overwhelmed - I stated that "I had to do this, go here, do that --- what ever was requested of me by family members or others or what I thought was expected of me" I was exhausted.
The therapist told me I DONT HAVE TO DO WHAT THEY WANT WHEN THEY WANT IT. I only have to decide for myself.... It is OK to tell them NO.
example my sister in law wanted me to go to the mall a lot. I did not want to go, but I would, and then I would not get my chores done at home for my family, and so on.....
Hope this helps.
PS do not enable your children... or you will be here with us again !! lol
I remember my turning point in my early twenties.... I simply had the realization that I did not want to be "out of control" I wanted to be in control of my actions. - not intoxicated, etc.
When I began having children, I lost my friends to Happy Hour twice a week.... we eventually had nothing in common....
Another turning point... when seeing a thearpist after having my first child - I was overwhelmed - I stated that "I had to do this, go here, do that --- what ever was requested of me by family members or others or what I thought was expected of me" I was exhausted.
The therapist told me I DONT HAVE TO DO WHAT THEY WANT WHEN THEY WANT IT. I only have to decide for myself.... It is OK to tell them NO.
example my sister in law wanted me to go to the mall a lot. I did not want to go, but I would, and then I would not get my chores done at home for my family, and so on.....
Hope this helps.
PS do not enable your children... or you will be here with us again !! lol
I'm not defending anyone's behavior ....we all got baggage....we all try stuff....some can walk away...some can't. ..if you can't. ...your an addict...no warning label on your skin that let's you know that ahead of time...wanting to stop and stopping then become two different things ...disease is progressive. ..if your a drug addict. .your fighting the physical as well as the head...we're all different as to how that plays out...wanting out as an addict only happens when there is no choice ...blame...gets you no where. ..naranon or alanon will help ease the anger ..the frustration...and bitterness...show you how to detach...and find some peace...we're addicts for life ...it's not a fix and its all better. ..we work it or not...those are the only choices...and that only happens when there is no choice...
Ps: " I've seen the needle and the damage done...a little part of it ...in everyone.."...what's yours? ...and ya..I know the next line...."every junkies like a setting sun".....go look at a sunset....
Ps: " I've seen the needle and the damage done...a little part of it ...in everyone.."...what's yours? ...and ya..I know the next line...."every junkies like a setting sun".....go look at a sunset....
Being an addict in recovery I STILL fight the disease notion...the whole CHOICE idea. BUT this I KNOW...when I got pregnant with twins years back...I WAS able to quit EVERYTHING. I started up again when they were 3 months old...slowly...on weekends. When I got pregnant with my last child 8 years later...I WASNT able to quit. I was raised by an alcoholic mother and the lasting effects on us as a family were horrible. I hated my mother...for YEARS. Why didn't she love us enough to stop....well years later I was in the same damn boat. I KNOW now that she was simply in PAIN...lots of it and dealt with it the only way she knew how at the time.
I would like to add: Your mother should NOT be Driving. it is not fair to the other innocent people driving on the road going about their day. When my daughter was in addiction, I was keenly aware of this when she had 2 fender benders in one week. we did not fix the car, put it in garage. oddly enough I lost my job right about this time, so I drove her to work and college classes. exhausting, but I firmly felt I was saving people from getting run over by her.
Driving is a privilege.
When my son was in addiction, he was living close to his work. had a car. what we did not know what that he was driving a long distance to his old comfort zone to buy drugs. oxy, zanax, It was at this time the addiction ramped up - making life unmanageable. It went quickly from "I can quit on my own" to impossible.
he fell asleep at the wheel at 4pm in the afternoon. the car went up on the guard rail like a skate board (we were told by witnesses) nose dived at the end of the rail, hit the telephone pole which crushed in the top of the car from front to back. and rolled down a short embankment.
we think he was thrown from the car. when the emt came he was on the embankment, barely breathing - a chest rub got him going. fractured vertebrae in neck and assortment of bulging discs. That was in spring 2015. he has not had a car since. which makes work options and grocery store difficult, within walking distance. he is learning about consequences.
We and he are so grateful no one was in the car with him and he did not hit another car.
I sometimes fear driving bc I know people are out there driving while Impaired.
I tell this story, just to put awareness out there. If we let them drive, is it also our fault, guilt by association?
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about your mom driving or give you another thing to feel responsible for... but maybe you can make others aware that she should not be driving. let the air out of the tires! LOL
Go ahead and move. Best idea for you. You need the down time and peace and quiet. What you leave behind is not your fault. Your mom is on her own path.
Driving is a privilege.
When my son was in addiction, he was living close to his work. had a car. what we did not know what that he was driving a long distance to his old comfort zone to buy drugs. oxy, zanax, It was at this time the addiction ramped up - making life unmanageable. It went quickly from "I can quit on my own" to impossible.
he fell asleep at the wheel at 4pm in the afternoon. the car went up on the guard rail like a skate board (we were told by witnesses) nose dived at the end of the rail, hit the telephone pole which crushed in the top of the car from front to back. and rolled down a short embankment.
we think he was thrown from the car. when the emt came he was on the embankment, barely breathing - a chest rub got him going. fractured vertebrae in neck and assortment of bulging discs. That was in spring 2015. he has not had a car since. which makes work options and grocery store difficult, within walking distance. he is learning about consequences.
We and he are so grateful no one was in the car with him and he did not hit another car.
I sometimes fear driving bc I know people are out there driving while Impaired.
I tell this story, just to put awareness out there. If we let them drive, is it also our fault, guilt by association?
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about your mom driving or give you another thing to feel responsible for... but maybe you can make others aware that she should not be driving. let the air out of the tires! LOL
Go ahead and move. Best idea for you. You need the down time and peace and quiet. What you leave behind is not your fault. Your mom is on her own path.
