Forgive me if this topic has been discussed before, I can't imagine that it hasn't at least several times now. I am dating a heroine addict, we are just 4 months in and she has been clean for 8. The little I do know of addiction is that addicts are recommended to wait at least a year of sobriety before getting into a relationship. The first I have heard of that was actually from her but she felt ready to begin a new relationship with me due to our history.
We dated about 4 years ago and it got really serious really quick. We both fell for each other harder than we fell for anyone before and I have to admit it was so pure and genuine I thought nothing could throw us off track. However, as much as she wanted us to work she couldn't make it happen. She had just got out of a unhealthy relationship of three years and we both knew she needed the time to move past that. This was before she even tried heroine. She had dealt with an eating disorder for seven years, but she was years past that by time we met and she hasn't relapsed sense.
We moved on and lost touched (my choice, I was heart broken) and didn't reconnect until 4 years later. Long story short, my dad got sick and needed a liver - I went threw intense screenings, tests, and meetings and then donated 60% of my liver - I reached out to her prior to the surgery and told her what was going on. That was when she then came back into my life. She kept in touch a little here and there (little did I know she was using at this point), checking in to see how I was handling the pre-surgery tests and the new life style I was embracing (healthy living, eating right, exercise, not drinking).
She got clean the same month I went into surgery, she visited me in the hospital and then, a couple weeks later when I was in recovery, at my parents house. After, she still kept in touch here and there to see how I was doing (she was just on the brink of graduating nursing school and was interested for both professional and personal reasons - probably more personal than anything though).
The surgery was in November and with some weeks at my parents house and then a couple at my house I went up to my parents cabin by myself the day after Christmas to really take it easy and recover. I told her this over some texts and she kind of just invited herself to come up to the cabin for new years. I thought it was kind of weird at first. Driving three hours to spend new years eve with your ex-boyfriend, who you haven't really kept in contact with until very recently, who can't really even celebrate the holiday, who is by himself in the woods, alone. I would find out later that she didn't feel comfortable being home, in her neighborhood, in her city, even with her friends. She was worried of her recovery. Afraid she would relapse. That's why she invited herself. I just thought the company would be nice.
Which it was. It was strictly platonic. I was assured immediately that we could have a friendship again. I was reminded of our connection, how easy it was to communicate with her and how much we laughed. Still, I didn't see anything past a friendship. I wouldn't have allowed myself to. This is the girl that broke my heart 4 years ago and I would never entertain the thought of dating her again. Still, it was nice to see that we can easily be friends. Even though it was unromantic and there was nothing of a spark between us for the 5 days she was up there we ended up making love after midnight New Years eve. I just chalked it up to being comfortable with an ex whom I've been intimate with before and ' hey, why not, it's New Years Eve', and nothing more.
I came back from the cabin in March and she visited me at my house shortly after I arrived. She had missed her period (by a couple of months at this point). She thought that she may be pregnant and against her good judgment told me this before even taking a test. I told her whatever choice she makes I'll support and to let me know if there was anything I could do. The next day she took a test and found out that she was not pregnant and all was fine. I then invite her over for dinner so we didn't have to leave off on 'hey I may be pregnant with your child' and not talk for a few months. She was only to come over for dinner but she ended up staying for 4 days. In the one day we both thought we could be parents we were both thinking the same thing: 'well at least it's with someone I have loved and know is a good person and ultimately see myself with'. We both didn't want these thoughts but they would naturally pop into our head without us knowing. These thoughts made her next visit for dinner very different from the last few that I previously mentioned. We saw each other differently. This controlled the mood, the atmosphere, our body language, everything. Somehow we got on the topic of 'why don't we just give this another shot?'. And on the fourth day, we did and this is when I was told of her addiction.
But I have to be honest, it didn't change a thing on my end. I wouldn't know for a couple of months that she should've waited the recommended year of sobriety, but a part of me is glad she didn't. I am good for her, I am supportive, understanding, patient. And I love her. So much. I can't even describe her the level of love I have for that woman here, it would take much longer than the time I have taken to get to this point.
She has had some scary moments since we have begun dating again - running into a past drug dealer who snuck some 'samples' in her backpack that when she found immediately flushed down the toilet - hanging with friends that are also in recovery and may not be as strong as she is - cravings (I'm sure they happen more often than she tells me of them). But she is doing great, she is very strong and I believe she is on the right path. She has found God, became a born again christian which I fully support no matter how much my brain hesitates. She also graduated nursing school, I am so proud of here, and she will begin her job hunt soon after she passes the nursing exam. She has moved far from her old neighborhood (about a three hour drive), although I do just live the next town over. We both worry about her recovery when she comes to visit. She says she is fine when she is with me but is scared to venture off on her own, worried that she might run into someone from her past.
This monday I am going to attend my first nar-anon meeting but I am reaching out to anyone that may have some advice for me. I want to be there for my love, my best friend. I want to remain supportive. And I want to do right by her and her recovery. She deserves the best from me and I want to make sure she gets it.
If you have made it to this point, I am impressed and very thankful. All advice is welcome, thank you.
Hi she seems to be doing the right things, staying away from people and places she used to get high with and in - nobody knows what the future holds - if she was strong enough to overcome an eating disorder - she has what it takes to make it - remember their are no certainty's in life - alot of heroin users relapse - unfortunately - but not all - as long as you are aware of that and the fact that it is not your job to "fix" her - it will always be her decision, whether she uses or not in the future - you are not responsible for her recovery, SHE IS- RELATIONSHIPS ARE VERY MUCH LIKE RECOVERY - THEY WORK IF YOU WORK AT IT - i wish you guys all the best -
