My boyfriend and I were together for two years. Three months ago I finally had enough. My family was wonderful enough to let me move back home after everything I put them through since I have been with my boyfriend. Obviously he is an addict. He an I have been through a lot. I have stuck by him through using, rehab, jail and everything thing else. I love this man with all my heart. It kills me to see him now and to not be able to hug him and tell him how much I love him. It breaks my heart to think that our future will not be as we planned it. And that I can't fall asleep with him every night. He was clean for almost a year and had a relaspe and that was ok with me as long as he was going to stop and go back to meetings. And of course he promised to stop numerous times and I wanted to believe him but its very hard to. Of course I encouraged him and told him I would be there. And I still am there for him even though we are not together. It was different this time when he started using though because we had an apartment and cars and bills to pay and with him spend his whole pay check on drugs it made it hard for me to pay bills. The stress was killing me. We fought so much that it because a normal everyday occuance. So I finally had to call it quits. And I am feeling much better now that I am persay away from the effects of his addiction. We are still in contact. He asked me to dinner last night so I naturally went. He wants me back. He is clean now and has been for a few weeks. He wants to prove to me that he can be the man that both of us want him to be and he still loves me. I love him so much it was so hard for me to sit there and not blurt out YES I LOVE YOU I WILL COME BACK. But I told him I didn't know. That there would have to be a lot of changes. Because I am 21 years old and I have my whole life ahead of me and I don't want to live it like it was before with him. I worried sick about him almost every night, thats no way to live. He has a son and when he stayed with us and he left of course the little boy would ask where he was and it was so hard to lie to him and make something up. I became very angry and resentful with my boyfriend for everything he put me through and we both said horrible things o each other that are hard to forgive. I don't know if its possible to patch things up so we can try again or not. I know he will probaby relapse many times throughout his recovery and as long as he wants to stop and does something about it I will be fine. He is a wonderful, sweet intelligent man and we are great together when he isn't using. And I want that man back. But its hard for be to truly believe that he has stopped using. Any advice you can give me about going back to him will be greatly appreciated. I am so torn because I love him with all my heart, but I just don't know if I am strong enough to do it all again. Because I know it can all happen over and over. And I want a good life. I just don't know if I will ever find someone I love like I love him. I gave up everything for him. My parents don't approve of him because of the drug use and things he has done to me so when I choose to move out with him they didn't speak to me and thats was so horrible! I just feel like I sacraficed so much and all he did was have everything handed to him. Because I took care of everything for him. I feel like I need someone to cater to me for a little while.
Torn83,
First of all i'm proud of you for loving yourself enough to move out of a unhealthy relationship and back home with you family. I know how hard that must have been for you. I've been through somthing similar, only, I waited until I was 28 to finally say i'm tired of this s*** and moved out of his house. I met my ex when I was 21 years old, and found out later that he was an alcholic 6 months later. Then drugs followed, but the sad thing about it was, I never knew he did drugs until I left him. That is when he told me about it. He used Cocaine..I use to call myself "Stupid" because I didn't know, I had never used drugs, or new anyone close to me that was on them. The arguing that we did the first couple of years turned into him being verbally abusive, which led to physical abuse. He would cry and say i'm sorry, and that he will never do it again, get help...etc. He took steps to get help, but he just went right back into doing the same s***. I never told my family, because I knew they would kill him...so I just dealt with it on my own. It was hard for me....I finally just got tired of this, and left him..The smartest thing i've ever done. My life is better, and I did meet my prince charming. So you see, you can fall in love again, and meet someone special..Don't think that it's him or nobody at all, because there is someone out there. Plus, you are a lot younger than I am, so yu will be fine. I'm actually friends with my ex, we talk on the phone etc., but anything beyond that is a done deal. He is in rehab now, and trying to get his life togehter. I'm not saying your boyfriend would do any of this, I just wanted you to know my situation, and that there is more fish in the sea. Stay true to yourself, and love yourself. You can be friends with him and wish him well, but don't forget about you...I hope he sticks to his intervention, and life gets better...I hope this helps
degaille
First of all i'm proud of you for loving yourself enough to move out of a unhealthy relationship and back home with you family. I know how hard that must have been for you. I've been through somthing similar, only, I waited until I was 28 to finally say i'm tired of this s*** and moved out of his house. I met my ex when I was 21 years old, and found out later that he was an alcholic 6 months later. Then drugs followed, but the sad thing about it was, I never knew he did drugs until I left him. That is when he told me about it. He used Cocaine..I use to call myself "Stupid" because I didn't know, I had never used drugs, or new anyone close to me that was on them. The arguing that we did the first couple of years turned into him being verbally abusive, which led to physical abuse. He would cry and say i'm sorry, and that he will never do it again, get help...etc. He took steps to get help, but he just went right back into doing the same s***. I never told my family, because I knew they would kill him...so I just dealt with it on my own. It was hard for me....I finally just got tired of this, and left him..The smartest thing i've ever done. My life is better, and I did meet my prince charming. So you see, you can fall in love again, and meet someone special..Don't think that it's him or nobody at all, because there is someone out there. Plus, you are a lot younger than I am, so yu will be fine. I'm actually friends with my ex, we talk on the phone etc., but anything beyond that is a done deal. He is in rehab now, and trying to get his life togehter. I'm not saying your boyfriend would do any of this, I just wanted you to know my situation, and that there is more fish in the sea. Stay true to yourself, and love yourself. You can be friends with him and wish him well, but don't forget about you...I hope he sticks to his intervention, and life gets better...I hope this helps
degaille
Hello! There are no easy answers. No one can tell you or me how to feel, only we know ourselved. However, you should never totally trust an addict. They don't understand, maybe they truly believe what they tell us, or at least they want to believe it. The problem is they are not in control -- the drugs are. Whatever you choose to believe or do, look out for yourself first of all. Don't let the drugs control you through him. If you choose to go back, don't make any promises, just take it one day at a time. After time you'll know how you truly feel. You'll know in your mind what is right. Your heart will recover. You have your whole life ahead of you -- follow your dreams.
Thank you guys so much for replying. I feel so lost. I know I don't want to deal with his using, but I love and miss him so much. For a few months I was still really angry at him so it was easy to stay away from him. But the anger has faded a little and thats why I am missing himmore now I guess. Degaille, I am so proud of you for getting out of your situation. And its wonderful you met a great guy. I know everything is going to be great with you guys. I have been actually met someone also and I have been out with him a few times. And he's real sweet and seems like a great guy. But, He's not my ex. I have been praying a lot and trying to do some soul searching and I hope that this will be his last time using for a while and mabe we can try to be together. And Lei you are right, it is hard to believe what they say. I think when they promise things, like that they will stop using and that they will try I think that is actually what they mean at the time. Because I do know that my ex wants to stop its just so powerful its hard for him to. But when they promise you something and they mean it at that time you can have a guarantee that it will be that way for long. Because once they get in their mind they are going to use they don't think about anything they have promised. And I know this. I have seen it many times. And you are also right about taking it one day at a time. Maybe I shouldn't commit myself to anything yet. Maybe IF he stays clean we can start dating again and not live together. And then see how it goes from there. I haven't talked to him about it yet. I want to talk to him about it in person and see how he reacts to it. I honestly believe he will try this time. I know he can do it, he's done it before. He was so wonderful when he got out of rehab before and thats what I want back. I love him with all my heart. And as you can tell I am a very compassionate person. But I have to try to control that and look at what is best for me. Thank you so much for your advice. It helps so much. I will think this through a lot better before anything is promised.
Torn83
Sounds like you are taking care of yourself by thinking things through before diving into things, and that is super smart. I do understand that you love, and miss him, it is for sure understandable. I believe in true love, and if it is meant for you two to be together it will happen. While your allowing yourself time to think about things, pray about it too. God will guide you heart if you ask and allow him to. God helped me get out of the situation I was in. Your ex sounds like a special guy that tries to get get better, but stumbles. Being friends with him I think is fine, and is good for the both of you, because you can learn more about each other believe it or not. I'm friends with my ex, and I really try to be there for him, but as a friend. Also, not living with him is a good idea, you really need to see for yourself what he is about. I really wish you all the best, and hope he gets better...Most of all that you stay true to yourself and put yourself and feelings first, doing what is best for you first always. I don't think I know all the answers, but I hope my advice makes you feel better. Thanks for the compliments, and words of encouragement too..Your in my prayers
degaille
Sounds like you are taking care of yourself by thinking things through before diving into things, and that is super smart. I do understand that you love, and miss him, it is for sure understandable. I believe in true love, and if it is meant for you two to be together it will happen. While your allowing yourself time to think about things, pray about it too. God will guide you heart if you ask and allow him to. God helped me get out of the situation I was in. Your ex sounds like a special guy that tries to get get better, but stumbles. Being friends with him I think is fine, and is good for the both of you, because you can learn more about each other believe it or not. I'm friends with my ex, and I really try to be there for him, but as a friend. Also, not living with him is a good idea, you really need to see for yourself what he is about. I really wish you all the best, and hope he gets better...Most of all that you stay true to yourself and put yourself and feelings first, doing what is best for you first always. I don't think I know all the answers, but I hope my advice makes you feel better. Thanks for the compliments, and words of encouragement too..Your in my prayers
degaille
thanks for writing your story because it the exact same way I felt, only I had a child with my boyfriend, and it makes the pain even worse. I had to move back in with my family, they hated him, even when I tried to stay friends with him for our child's sake. I feel like I'll never love anyone like him again either, he used to be my best friend, but he kept making promises to change after we broke up and begging me to keep his daughter in his life. I was trying to move on with my life because I could see his addiction totally taking control, even worse then when we were together. He would promise to help me pay for daycare and then spend the money on drugs. Finally, I told him I wasnt worried about him being a father anymore, and he left twice to go back with his exgirlfriend who will always give him money. Now he's left again and hasnt even called my daughter in three weeks. We have a court date coming up and I know hes just gonna blow it off and leave me there to deal with it. I feel so bad that he just left, even after all our fights and drama and strugging I never thought he would walk away from his little girl. Now I just feel like crying because I wont know if he's dead or alive and he just left me with all this pain to deal with. So I would say that I dont think a addict can aver really be normal. If you dont want to have that worry and mistrust in the back of your mind the rest of your life, you should move on, even though it's hard. I still dont know how to start moving on.
tmcs...I'm very sorry for what you are having to go through. And I feel terrible for your daughter. I know she probably adores her father and misses him very much. But all you can do is pray for him. I know how heartbreaking it is to sit there making youself sick worring about where he is and if he is ok. But that really doesn't accomplish anything, Just pray and trust that God will take care of him. God has a plan for you and for him. I know how hard it is to pray and let God control everything. If you are anything like me you love your man so much all you want to do is help him and try to make everything better for him. And you think if you are trying to fix everything then it will work. But trust me all that will do is drive you insane! Trust me. Please just focus on yourself and your daughter. I can't imagine how much harder it would be to have a child with my ex. I think I can honestly tell you I would have left him a lot sooner because I wouldn't have wanted my child to feel the pain that I felt being with him. I pray that one day he can be mature enough to realize that he has a baby that loves and needs him and maybe he will try to be there for her. But he wont clean up for her or you no matter how much you try. My ex has a three year old too and that baby is so wonderful he's not even my son and I fell in love with him. He's the sweetest thing, but thats not enough to keep my ex going. All you can do is try to detach with love. Its hard I know and I will pray for you. Just be grateful for everything that you do have in your life. Like your wonderful family and your daughter. I know its hard to move on. I have dated a few guys since we broke up but they are nothing like my man can be when he is clean. But the reality is, he isn't clean right now so he isn't what I need. And if he does clean up and can be what I need then I will probably go back. But right now he can't do that, until he is ready, And its so frustrating and I know it makes you so mad that he can't clean up now because you and your child need him. But just try to let him do it in his own time. Just do like degaille said because she is right. Just take care of your yourself and your baby and trust God to take care of the rest. Your baby needs you so just try to take it one day at a time and do what you can do and leave the rest for God to handle. Don't give him money and don't feel sorry for him and let him stay with you after he has been with his ex. You have to be a lot more cautious than I am because of your child. And I know you know that but I am just reassuring you that you are doing the right thing. I know you can't just move on because its so painful and heartbreaking. But just love yourself and pray. Take Care.
Torn83,
You are the smartest 21 year old ever!!! If only I had listened to God when I was your age...I know right, at least I eventually listened to him...I'm proud of you, and I believe your strength will help out other young women too...Stay strong...
You are the smartest 21 year old ever!!! If only I had listened to God when I was your age...I know right, at least I eventually listened to him...I'm proud of you, and I believe your strength will help out other young women too...Stay strong...
Today I realized something. God must really be trying to get me to stay away from my ex. Because just last Thursday my ex told me he was going to prove to me that he can be the man I need and I didn't hear from him all weekend until today. He asked me to come over and see him & his son and I said I would. But I came home to take a nap first he called me at least 4 times in the hour I slept. And when I called him back he was like nevermind I'll see you tomorrow I have to go somewhere. So see...everytime I try to even consider letting him prove to me that he can stop using and be the man I need in my life he screws it up. And I know in my heart he loves me and wants to be with me and I know that on Thursday when he told me those things he really meant them at the time and he is probably mad at himself that he can't follow through. And I do believe that. But see God brought me out of the relationship because he knew I needed to be rid of it. And now I am trying to go back and he is still making it so I can't. So I learned a lesson today. I am trying to just let my will of how I want my life to be and let God lead me because I want to have the life he has planned for me. But sometimes its so hard to do that. So I am trying at this point. Thank you for the compliments degaille. Maybe when you were younger God wanted to let you make your own mind up about your situation. Sometimes he does that. Gives us a chance to try it on our own and you learned. And now you are a stronger person because of it. And you are finally happy with your life. I believe everything we go through is for a reason and it is to teach us something. And I did have a bad relationship with my ex. But I learned a whole heck of a lot and grew up tremendously because of it. And for that I am thankful. Thanks for replying everyone I hope my story is helping someone to be strong. Believe in yourself and trust yourself.
Torn83
I believe you when you said that God made things go in such a way that you wouldn't give in. God has a way of doing things, and it's for the best. When we pray and put our faith in him, he never lets us down...It's hard when you love someone, because you want to love them when and how you see fit sometimes. You ex knows you love him, and are praying for him, and in that I know he feels speical. I do believe he wants to change, just like so many people addicted for their loved ones, but it's not easy. He's going through some rough times, but be strong, continue to pray, and lean on God...Thanks for the words of encouragement, I needed it! A lot of women can learn a great deal from your story, and I just hope they find there way here to this site to read it. Cocaine effects not only the addict, but loved ones too. We all hurt in some ways from it. Stay strong, and you two are in my prayers ok...
degaille
I believe you when you said that God made things go in such a way that you wouldn't give in. God has a way of doing things, and it's for the best. When we pray and put our faith in him, he never lets us down...It's hard when you love someone, because you want to love them when and how you see fit sometimes. You ex knows you love him, and are praying for him, and in that I know he feels speical. I do believe he wants to change, just like so many people addicted for their loved ones, but it's not easy. He's going through some rough times, but be strong, continue to pray, and lean on God...Thanks for the words of encouragement, I needed it! A lot of women can learn a great deal from your story, and I just hope they find there way here to this site to read it. Cocaine effects not only the addict, but loved ones too. We all hurt in some ways from it. Stay strong, and you two are in my prayers ok...
degaille