Dear Martin,
Please Please don't go and do something you can't take back!!! You have three beautiful kids who love and need their Dad!!! Plus I bet your a really good friend to them. Your cats need you to. They will quit purring if your gone.
Now I want you to know that I'm not a Dr. but I'm a Mom. Which means I notice things. I've had to be a nurse, a referee, a counselor and so many other things. I notice every couple of weeks you go through a cycle in your moods. One cycle is your content, happy, loving and more friendly. The next cycle is your depressed, very angry, tearful, very sensitive. This is what I've noticed in the last couple of months in posts on different boards my friend. Do you notice it?
The other thing you know Ms. Katbird said she was sorry to you and you excepted it. I bet she wished she never would have posted that thread now. I'm just going to take her word for it that it's a joke. Maybe not a great one at that.
The problem I see is that it's not so much the board, or AA issues. Your anger is real and rooted else where. Your childhood and your divorces. I'm telling you I understand what it feels like to have severe rage about my childhood and my marriage.
In fact I tried AA twice short lived once for a month straight out of the phsy ward from suicide attempt. After all alcohol was my only friend it sure as heck loved me being angry it understood. I tried again 3 1/2 yrs ago 5-6 wks. I actually felt plenty of times non acceptance there. I didn't want to go back. WTF They should read the BB I did plenty folks came to meetings drunk. One lady it took her 3 yrs sitting in meetings back in the day and finally she got it and wanted it. Plenty of those oldtimers relapsed slipped bunches of times. Do some history research on AA.
This time I don't care what they think!! I'm there for me. Even if I slip or relapse I'm not giving up because somebody tells me I'm bad, or thinks it, or shows it. WTF I heard enough of that already. Fu** them thats not true about you, or me !!! Martin if I hadn't gone to 1 yr of therapy I wouldn't be able to go to AA. I wouldn't be ready yet. My anger and pain needed to be diffused in a loving and safe place. Not here either. I'm ready now to go do what ever I have to protect my sobriety. I don't know for sure how long I'll stay. But I'm going to meeting here shortly. Da**'t you better be OK. I'm scared for you and worried!!!
I almost died!!! There have been certain posts on here that have hurt my feelings from certain people. Or things said I don't like. I take a break from here sometimes for that reason and other reasons too. I read passive agressiveness certain posts and I fire back sometimes. Other times I let it go as there sick to. But there are AA people on here from the beginning that have been so kind to me and don't make me feel out of place because I didn't sign up for AA. Stacey is one of them. She's always been nothing but kind and helpful to me. We might have more to talk about now because I'm going to AA. But she and VWgirl always made me feel at home.
Now I gotta go put a little makeup on and run out the door. I'm still vain, lol. I will check on you later. I'm praying for you!!! I to am sorry your feeling so down Martin. I don't always understand everything you, or anybody else says, including myself sometimes. Especially like Izzy said when the posts get real long I get lost. I'm not as smart as you. Please post back so I don't worry! Please!!!
Love,
Chris xxx
Chris, I'm really sorry if what I said worried you. Consciously I try to monitor everything I say but I'm nowhere near as good at it as I'd like to be - for the right reasons rather than unhealthy ones. I'm so sorry.
I will say again that it is my responsibility not anyone else's. I'm not playing games with anyone. Suicide is only one person's responsibility. It's a choice and one I am facing honestly in order to confront my fears and ask myself the question....because if I want to live then I want to live as me. There's no point living out the rest of my time as some fake version. Put up or shut up. And each time I ask it and mean it I get stronger. I trust my HP....Chris, maybe I really have found faith....if death is the right choice why should I fear it? I think I'm throwing myself on the mercy of my HP the same way I've thrown myself at the mercy of others....which is foolish when we're dealing with lovely, flawed human beings but...as the man (nearly) sings....this (working out) is my church, this is where I heal my hurts....maybe in facing that question I'm asking God what He wants for me....really submitting my Will....I feel that's the truth...and if He wants me to live...hey Chris, I just got the most amazing feeling....
I haven't noticed a pattern in my moods. I know they're all over the place, changing from minute to minute let alone weeks....from joy to despair in an afternoon. Is there really a longer pattern? Thanks....I'll reflect on that.
You're right that my anger isn't directed at AA. I love some of the people I know in AA and I love the atmosphere of acceptance, affection and mutual respect in the room I visit. I don't know where I belong Chris, maybe it's not here. I'm not saying that to get you to plead with me (see how I can think my way through the next four moves to try to manage your/my reaction and avoid conflict....gotta think alike...gotta work it out, make it right...mustn't make you think bad of me...)....it's the defense mechanism of course....and I don't neet it with you......I don't want to put that suit of armour back on to defend myself here. I just want to be left alone to be me, to figure out who I am.....to ramble, to vent, to let the floodwaters of 45 years rip it all up and settle down into a healthy flow....I appreciate your support and patience and that of others who are prepared to tolerate me for a bit.....just a few weeks in 45 years folks.......s***...a few weeks in 50 years... yeah, poor little me....there are people I love in my real life who I'm protecting from all this who'll soon let me know - in a loving way - if it becomes a habit.
So this is all working for me, isn't it....having to recognise what is triggering me about certain communications....having to decide what's my stuff and what is someone else's stuff, deciding what to do about it....having to stand up for what I feel and try to recognise when I'm trying to hit back in anger or am threatening someone else's world view, having to think about how long I need to vent, having to decide to continue to vent until my HP says enough, struggling to look at my part - your stage of change post is helpful, ta - having to keep accepting I'm so blind to so much of my stuff and having to try to make sure I don't take on / responsibility for someone else's issues by mistake.....this is my church, this is where I heal my hurts....
No small children or animals were killed in the making of this cybernetic adventure and the eventual emergence of this human being, whoever he is. Wow, the Universe really isn't falling apart. I wonder how many people felt that was what would happen if they spoke Truth to Power? Probably quite a few of us.
Love,
Martin
I will say again that it is my responsibility not anyone else's. I'm not playing games with anyone. Suicide is only one person's responsibility. It's a choice and one I am facing honestly in order to confront my fears and ask myself the question....because if I want to live then I want to live as me. There's no point living out the rest of my time as some fake version. Put up or shut up. And each time I ask it and mean it I get stronger. I trust my HP....Chris, maybe I really have found faith....if death is the right choice why should I fear it? I think I'm throwing myself on the mercy of my HP the same way I've thrown myself at the mercy of others....which is foolish when we're dealing with lovely, flawed human beings but...as the man (nearly) sings....this (working out) is my church, this is where I heal my hurts....maybe in facing that question I'm asking God what He wants for me....really submitting my Will....I feel that's the truth...and if He wants me to live...hey Chris, I just got the most amazing feeling....
I haven't noticed a pattern in my moods. I know they're all over the place, changing from minute to minute let alone weeks....from joy to despair in an afternoon. Is there really a longer pattern? Thanks....I'll reflect on that.
You're right that my anger isn't directed at AA. I love some of the people I know in AA and I love the atmosphere of acceptance, affection and mutual respect in the room I visit. I don't know where I belong Chris, maybe it's not here. I'm not saying that to get you to plead with me (see how I can think my way through the next four moves to try to manage your/my reaction and avoid conflict....gotta think alike...gotta work it out, make it right...mustn't make you think bad of me...)....it's the defense mechanism of course....and I don't neet it with you......I don't want to put that suit of armour back on to defend myself here. I just want to be left alone to be me, to figure out who I am.....to ramble, to vent, to let the floodwaters of 45 years rip it all up and settle down into a healthy flow....I appreciate your support and patience and that of others who are prepared to tolerate me for a bit.....just a few weeks in 45 years folks.......s***...a few weeks in 50 years... yeah, poor little me....there are people I love in my real life who I'm protecting from all this who'll soon let me know - in a loving way - if it becomes a habit.
So this is all working for me, isn't it....having to recognise what is triggering me about certain communications....having to decide what's my stuff and what is someone else's stuff, deciding what to do about it....having to stand up for what I feel and try to recognise when I'm trying to hit back in anger or am threatening someone else's world view, having to think about how long I need to vent, having to decide to continue to vent until my HP says enough, struggling to look at my part - your stage of change post is helpful, ta - having to keep accepting I'm so blind to so much of my stuff and having to try to make sure I don't take on / responsibility for someone else's issues by mistake.....this is my church, this is where I heal my hurts....
No small children or animals were killed in the making of this cybernetic adventure and the eventual emergence of this human being, whoever he is. Wow, the Universe really isn't falling apart. I wonder how many people felt that was what would happen if they spoke Truth to Power? Probably quite a few of us.
Love,
Martin
Hi Martin
I hope and pray that you will find the help that you need. I worry about you too.Martin I can tell you one thing about suicide .It hurts the ones left behind very very much . It causes them to blame themselves,always wondering if they could have said or done something different that would have changed the situation. Would you want your family,your kids,your friends,or anyone to feel terrible and feel guilt for the rest of their lives because of something you done? suicide is a selfish act Martin,the final selfish act. Is that what you want to leave the world? People do care about you Martin you have to believe that.I for one care about you. I know how much you are hurting. I know you have a lot of pain. Please remember though that people love you and want you to recover and to be happy.God bless and take care.
I hope and pray that you will find the help that you need. I worry about you too.Martin I can tell you one thing about suicide .It hurts the ones left behind very very much . It causes them to blame themselves,always wondering if they could have said or done something different that would have changed the situation. Would you want your family,your kids,your friends,or anyone to feel terrible and feel guilt for the rest of their lives because of something you done? suicide is a selfish act Martin,the final selfish act. Is that what you want to leave the world? People do care about you Martin you have to believe that.I for one care about you. I know how much you are hurting. I know you have a lot of pain. Please remember though that people love you and want you to recover and to be happy.God bless and take care.
Hi pirate, I'm really sorry I did that to you and anyone else. And I'm really having to think hard about why I said it...and why I feel it sometimes.....consciously I feel it when I feel I can't cope. I'm that kid again and life's too much...and I can feel that kid driving me to let go of everything and make myself helpless....so that someone else will care, step in, take control and make everything all right...someone will look after me....and another part of me wants me dead anyway...and another part of me thinks if life is going to be like this what's the point...
But of course I'm not a kid....and there are lots of parts of me....and I need to hear them and acknowledge and accept that this fear and weakness and anger is part of me...and heal...
And I don't think I'm going to kill myself if I listen and acknowledge and make sure I have the right support..
But.... I am deeply sorry that I upset you and Chris and potentially others....why did I mention it?......thinking out loud now....I can't remember....because part of me wants people to realise how desperate I am?....I've hidden this for decades...and that child(?) is crying out for help....and it seems that child doesn't trust "me" enough to help him.....why should he, I didn't before....so I'm appealing to the adults to see, understand and help....to take control, make it all better....so unconsciously did I WANT to disturb the adults? Get a reaction?....was I saying "you lot don't care, I might as well be dead?" in the hope you'd come rushing in and save me or at least show me I matter, or perhaps even that I exist so far as others are concerned?
I think that might have been going on deep down pirate....I think PART of me felt I wasn't strong enough to deal with those feelings and wanted the adults around me to know what was going on....my recovery is about helping that part, and other parts of me, learn to trust who I am in 2008....learning that they aren't on their own and that I have the resources to take care of them....
I do know I didn't consciously mean to disturb anyone, but I wrote it and I'm the one who says we have to take responsibility for the effect of what we write....so what was I trying to do with that communication.....it's clear to me I don't know why else I would have mentioned it....ah...another possibility....perhaps I was writing to myself pirate....perhaps I'm the adult that child needs to tell and I haven't listened....perhaps taking charge and writing what it feels is how those parts of me are communicating WITH ME...I doubt that makes much sense to anyone else....but it makes sense to me....I type faster than I think, we all do, so it's coming from my unconscious! It all is.....I just need to learn which bit of me is communicating and when I'm communicating with myself and don't need to bother anyone else.....crikey...am I right, going mad, or does everyone else already know this stuff? Rhetorical....lol...
I'm not playing games here....from inside this box I really don't see these things...I really don't and until I have a more integrated sense of who I am I'm going to be a bit of a mess as I flounder about. This is all so new. Sorry.
I do think that I have a responsibility for my communication and I'm very sorry I hurt you. I am grateful for you love and support. As I get stronger, in a healthy way, this outpouring will subside. This is who I am at this moment and I have to accept who I am now and who I was all those years ago before I can begin to grow. I have faith and I trust this process.
Part of this experience for me now pirate is recognising the harm I did you and Chris and Con and possibly others with my uncensored outpouring.....I really am very sorry. I want you to know that this four-year-old is recognising that there are genuinely good reasons - that HE can own - as to why he should think about what he says and not just the reasons others give him or the reasons THIS adult tells himself....it seems he really doesn't trust this adult yet....
I hate that this happened pirate. I'm sorry. Learning learning learning...
But of course I'm not a kid....and there are lots of parts of me....and I need to hear them and acknowledge and accept that this fear and weakness and anger is part of me...and heal...
And I don't think I'm going to kill myself if I listen and acknowledge and make sure I have the right support..
But.... I am deeply sorry that I upset you and Chris and potentially others....why did I mention it?......thinking out loud now....I can't remember....because part of me wants people to realise how desperate I am?....I've hidden this for decades...and that child(?) is crying out for help....and it seems that child doesn't trust "me" enough to help him.....why should he, I didn't before....so I'm appealing to the adults to see, understand and help....to take control, make it all better....so unconsciously did I WANT to disturb the adults? Get a reaction?....was I saying "you lot don't care, I might as well be dead?" in the hope you'd come rushing in and save me or at least show me I matter, or perhaps even that I exist so far as others are concerned?
I think that might have been going on deep down pirate....I think PART of me felt I wasn't strong enough to deal with those feelings and wanted the adults around me to know what was going on....my recovery is about helping that part, and other parts of me, learn to trust who I am in 2008....learning that they aren't on their own and that I have the resources to take care of them....
I do know I didn't consciously mean to disturb anyone, but I wrote it and I'm the one who says we have to take responsibility for the effect of what we write....so what was I trying to do with that communication.....it's clear to me I don't know why else I would have mentioned it....ah...another possibility....perhaps I was writing to myself pirate....perhaps I'm the adult that child needs to tell and I haven't listened....perhaps taking charge and writing what it feels is how those parts of me are communicating WITH ME...I doubt that makes much sense to anyone else....but it makes sense to me....I type faster than I think, we all do, so it's coming from my unconscious! It all is.....I just need to learn which bit of me is communicating and when I'm communicating with myself and don't need to bother anyone else.....crikey...am I right, going mad, or does everyone else already know this stuff? Rhetorical....lol...
I'm not playing games here....from inside this box I really don't see these things...I really don't and until I have a more integrated sense of who I am I'm going to be a bit of a mess as I flounder about. This is all so new. Sorry.
I do think that I have a responsibility for my communication and I'm very sorry I hurt you. I am grateful for you love and support. As I get stronger, in a healthy way, this outpouring will subside. This is who I am at this moment and I have to accept who I am now and who I was all those years ago before I can begin to grow. I have faith and I trust this process.
Part of this experience for me now pirate is recognising the harm I did you and Chris and Con and possibly others with my uncensored outpouring.....I really am very sorry. I want you to know that this four-year-old is recognising that there are genuinely good reasons - that HE can own - as to why he should think about what he says and not just the reasons others give him or the reasons THIS adult tells himself....it seems he really doesn't trust this adult yet....
I hate that this happened pirate. I'm sorry. Learning learning learning...
Martin You have nothing to apologize to me for. I come on this board to seek help and advice and to give it if I can be of any use to anyone. I just wanted you to know that I care about you and your feelings and that I was concerned about you. I know what it is like, to feel all alone in the world even when we are surrounded by other people. I know what it feels like to not be able to (or allowed )to express my feelings. I know what it is to feel pain and to want someone ,to understand what you are going through. I know what it feels like to want comfort. I understand where you are coming from. Let your feelings flow Martin because that too is part of the solution. We cannot learn until we allow ourselves to feel first. One step at a time. Baby steps Martin,,baby steps ,one day at a time.God bless and take care.
Hey Martin, I'm so glad you've decided to post again. I just wanted to say a few things.
I know what i's like to feel like you're life's not worth living when something goes wrong. If I missed the bus I'd get suicidal... crazy huh?
I spent a whole two years in and out of hospital weekly coz I tried to kill myself so often, drunk and out of it on pills... not a pretty sight. My family all were really worried but all I could see was I wanted to be dead. My sister came to me once and said to me the first time you put yourself in hospital dad was almost in tears and none of us have ever seen my dad cry ever.
These days I still feel suicidal about stupid things but I can reason with myself now that it'll pass. Today you feel crap Izzy but tomorrow things'll look brighter. And it works! I want you to know that you can do that too, it takes practice but it makes life a little easier.
I hope you stick around,
Izzy
I know what i's like to feel like you're life's not worth living when something goes wrong. If I missed the bus I'd get suicidal... crazy huh?
I spent a whole two years in and out of hospital weekly coz I tried to kill myself so often, drunk and out of it on pills... not a pretty sight. My family all were really worried but all I could see was I wanted to be dead. My sister came to me once and said to me the first time you put yourself in hospital dad was almost in tears and none of us have ever seen my dad cry ever.
These days I still feel suicidal about stupid things but I can reason with myself now that it'll pass. Today you feel crap Izzy but tomorrow things'll look brighter. And it works! I want you to know that you can do that too, it takes practice but it makes life a little easier.
I hope you stick around,
Izzy
Thanks pirate, thanks Izzy.
As is probably pretty obvious I haven't got a clue what's going on inside me, outside me or on here. I appreciate your kindness, which is helping me to keep whatever bit of me I can find grounded.
Izzy, wouldn't it be funny if I was the one mirroring my ex?....I don't think so...but then I wouldn't, would I?...the joys of self discovery.
Thanks both for taking the time, I know things are difficult for your both at the moment.
Keep safe, well and happy.
Love,
Martin
As is probably pretty obvious I haven't got a clue what's going on inside me, outside me or on here. I appreciate your kindness, which is helping me to keep whatever bit of me I can find grounded.
Izzy, wouldn't it be funny if I was the one mirroring my ex?....I don't think so...but then I wouldn't, would I?...the joys of self discovery.
Thanks both for taking the time, I know things are difficult for your both at the moment.
Keep safe, well and happy.
Love,
Martin
Hey, you know you are wanted here. You have as much to give as anyone else.
Just take a deep breath lol!
Love Izzy
Just take a deep breath lol!
Love Izzy
Hi Martin,
I'm so happy that your still with us. Please keep coming back. I second and third what pirate and Izzy said. Except that you did scare me. I take the threat of suicide very serious. I didn't sleep well on it. I'm just glad your OK. You call the hot-line next time please. I heard your cry for help. I prayed off and on for you all night. By the way I pray often for Jules and Danny over on PP board. I can sense the urgency. Different reasons, but it's still needed. Now Zak's Brother-in law, Ginge's Brother. Pray for others it helps you to. Pirate and her family need prayers. I pray for others here to. God isn't worried about how eloquent they are he just wants us to pray and believe. I pray for family and friends. I've come to enjoy prayer, because it's not hard like I use to think it had to be.
I take it serious because I've been there before. Last spring early summer I was in therapy doing EMDR and I had a repressed memory surface. Someone was putting a pillow over my head when I was very little and trying to smother me to death. I couldn't see the face, or hear anything. I just couldn't breath. Then our time was up and it didn't get processed. I left and cried my eyes out thinking it must have been my mother.
I'd been sober for about 3 wks. and was in OP re-hab. I tried so hard not to drink/relapse. But I did. I knew no other way to make the pain stop. I talked to one lady at this class the journey I was in and she said does it really matter who did it happened. Yes, to me it mattered. My God was it my Mom who tried to kill me? Don't you just love it when people tell you your pain has no value, no merit. Like get over it now. Well I will when I'm ready, not when your ready. The point is I do want to get over it and I am. But crap it didn't just magically go away over night.
So, a day later I bought another bottle. I had two drinks then called my Mom. Of course I ended up drinking the whole thing, as I'm a real alcoholic. Alcohol used to give me courage to face her and so many other things. She said she didn't remember, but she would often put a pillow over her face scream and hold her breath. My therapist smiled at my Mom's remarks.
I had to go to therapy the next visit and process the memory with EMDR. It now holds no power over me. I forgive my poor Mom for doing things to me. As she did the best she could. She did what she knew how. What she had learned in her life. All her traumas and pain. God I love my Mom so much and have so much respect and compassion for her. She's my friend!!!
I've seen 5 therapists ranging in education over the years. Mainly short lived a month or a little more at the most. This one however I've being going to for 1 yr. She told me that if I didn't go to re-hab and take care of getting sober she wouldn't be able to help me. I relapsed several times at re-hab and after to. She stood by my side, She knew that alcohol was just a symptom of some very deeper rooted and much bigger problems. I had some periods of sobriety.
I told her in the beginning that if all she was about was talk therapy I might as well just leave now. I tried that and it wasn't enough to help me. She gives me solutions and examples to my problems. Shows me how to cope. She has shared her own painful life experiences with me as well. Very private things. I needed my thoughts and feelings to be validated by another human being as I thought I was going insane. She also draws things on paper for me uses metaphors and analogies. She can look at me and tell from my expression when I don't understand what she's explaining to me. So she tries another way. She explains how the brain works, it's her specialty. Nuro pyschology. Sorry I can't spell today. She offers information such as groups in town that are for abuse victims, some gender specific. she's the one that asked me to take that 4 month class the journey. Resources on-line. She hugs me. She lets me cry. She laughs with me. She's gotten pissed at me. She gave me her personal cell phone. Which I've never used, but I would if I needed to. She has told me I've helped her grow. Another sign of a good therapist. She does EMDR and Tapping therapy. These are really scary at first especially when some trauma is remembered. She has never ever again sent me out the door without enough time to completely process the memory. She has also taught me breathing and stretching therapy. She also uses lot's of imagery with me. She knows and applies CBT and DBT therapy.
What I'm trying to tell you is that not all therapists are created equal. Talk therapy and someone just sitting there listening wasn't enough to help me. It took time to build the trust with her as I have trust and abandonment issues. Even now when certain sounds go off I jump. A couple of wks a go I took the garbage out to the street side in the dark and I heard a strange noise. I said Mama out loud and ran down the driveway. I realized afterwards it was my neighbors compressor going off in his garage. I've been beaten up not just in my childhood, but in my adult life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually abused for a few years in my youth.
If it wasn't for my willingness, my desperation, my openness some honesty, some hard work. But most of all God and my therapist who utilizes many modalities and is skilled at interchanging and applying them. I think I'd be dead.
I'm 4 1/2 months sober and next Wed by doing it one day at a time it will be 5 months, no alcohol, no pot. By the grace of God and I did have an out of body spiritual experience that was pretty profound and rapid life changing. I'd still be drinking, or be dead.
Now I'm at the stage because of the work to do more. This is why I'm going to AA. I'm now mentally healthy enough to go and find a sponsor which I have found one, listen , work the steps. I can't risk my sobriety. Plus I need fellowship with others who understand, like no one else can.
I just am asking you to re-assess the mental health treatment you are receiving. Theres more out there then just talk therapy. It's your life and you are a fine and precious human being whom I personally care for and like. I know in my hearts of hearts that you will get through the different stages to. Many of us have Martin. You are to funny, intelligent, loving and you are wanted and needed by many.
Now you be kind to Martin and find something beautiful in today, please. Many of us need to walk back through to get healthy and be able to live in today also so our futures have the opportunity to be much better. But don't over do it. Like I said mix it up a bit. Other wise I find I get so over whelmed. Go to your happy place in nature today. Your going to make it Martin. I'm going to get on my hands and knees and say a thank you prayer for your well being.
PS don't forget the chocolate.
Love,
Chris xxx
I'm so happy that your still with us. Please keep coming back. I second and third what pirate and Izzy said. Except that you did scare me. I take the threat of suicide very serious. I didn't sleep well on it. I'm just glad your OK. You call the hot-line next time please. I heard your cry for help. I prayed off and on for you all night. By the way I pray often for Jules and Danny over on PP board. I can sense the urgency. Different reasons, but it's still needed. Now Zak's Brother-in law, Ginge's Brother. Pray for others it helps you to. Pirate and her family need prayers. I pray for others here to. God isn't worried about how eloquent they are he just wants us to pray and believe. I pray for family and friends. I've come to enjoy prayer, because it's not hard like I use to think it had to be.
I take it serious because I've been there before. Last spring early summer I was in therapy doing EMDR and I had a repressed memory surface. Someone was putting a pillow over my head when I was very little and trying to smother me to death. I couldn't see the face, or hear anything. I just couldn't breath. Then our time was up and it didn't get processed. I left and cried my eyes out thinking it must have been my mother.
I'd been sober for about 3 wks. and was in OP re-hab. I tried so hard not to drink/relapse. But I did. I knew no other way to make the pain stop. I talked to one lady at this class the journey I was in and she said does it really matter who did it happened. Yes, to me it mattered. My God was it my Mom who tried to kill me? Don't you just love it when people tell you your pain has no value, no merit. Like get over it now. Well I will when I'm ready, not when your ready. The point is I do want to get over it and I am. But crap it didn't just magically go away over night.
So, a day later I bought another bottle. I had two drinks then called my Mom. Of course I ended up drinking the whole thing, as I'm a real alcoholic. Alcohol used to give me courage to face her and so many other things. She said she didn't remember, but she would often put a pillow over her face scream and hold her breath. My therapist smiled at my Mom's remarks.
I had to go to therapy the next visit and process the memory with EMDR. It now holds no power over me. I forgive my poor Mom for doing things to me. As she did the best she could. She did what she knew how. What she had learned in her life. All her traumas and pain. God I love my Mom so much and have so much respect and compassion for her. She's my friend!!!
I've seen 5 therapists ranging in education over the years. Mainly short lived a month or a little more at the most. This one however I've being going to for 1 yr. She told me that if I didn't go to re-hab and take care of getting sober she wouldn't be able to help me. I relapsed several times at re-hab and after to. She stood by my side, She knew that alcohol was just a symptom of some very deeper rooted and much bigger problems. I had some periods of sobriety.
I told her in the beginning that if all she was about was talk therapy I might as well just leave now. I tried that and it wasn't enough to help me. She gives me solutions and examples to my problems. Shows me how to cope. She has shared her own painful life experiences with me as well. Very private things. I needed my thoughts and feelings to be validated by another human being as I thought I was going insane. She also draws things on paper for me uses metaphors and analogies. She can look at me and tell from my expression when I don't understand what she's explaining to me. So she tries another way. She explains how the brain works, it's her specialty. Nuro pyschology. Sorry I can't spell today. She offers information such as groups in town that are for abuse victims, some gender specific. she's the one that asked me to take that 4 month class the journey. Resources on-line. She hugs me. She lets me cry. She laughs with me. She's gotten pissed at me. She gave me her personal cell phone. Which I've never used, but I would if I needed to. She has told me I've helped her grow. Another sign of a good therapist. She does EMDR and Tapping therapy. These are really scary at first especially when some trauma is remembered. She has never ever again sent me out the door without enough time to completely process the memory. She has also taught me breathing and stretching therapy. She also uses lot's of imagery with me. She knows and applies CBT and DBT therapy.
What I'm trying to tell you is that not all therapists are created equal. Talk therapy and someone just sitting there listening wasn't enough to help me. It took time to build the trust with her as I have trust and abandonment issues. Even now when certain sounds go off I jump. A couple of wks a go I took the garbage out to the street side in the dark and I heard a strange noise. I said Mama out loud and ran down the driveway. I realized afterwards it was my neighbors compressor going off in his garage. I've been beaten up not just in my childhood, but in my adult life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually abused for a few years in my youth.
If it wasn't for my willingness, my desperation, my openness some honesty, some hard work. But most of all God and my therapist who utilizes many modalities and is skilled at interchanging and applying them. I think I'd be dead.
I'm 4 1/2 months sober and next Wed by doing it one day at a time it will be 5 months, no alcohol, no pot. By the grace of God and I did have an out of body spiritual experience that was pretty profound and rapid life changing. I'd still be drinking, or be dead.
Now I'm at the stage because of the work to do more. This is why I'm going to AA. I'm now mentally healthy enough to go and find a sponsor which I have found one, listen , work the steps. I can't risk my sobriety. Plus I need fellowship with others who understand, like no one else can.
I just am asking you to re-assess the mental health treatment you are receiving. Theres more out there then just talk therapy. It's your life and you are a fine and precious human being whom I personally care for and like. I know in my hearts of hearts that you will get through the different stages to. Many of us have Martin. You are to funny, intelligent, loving and you are wanted and needed by many.
Now you be kind to Martin and find something beautiful in today, please. Many of us need to walk back through to get healthy and be able to live in today also so our futures have the opportunity to be much better. But don't over do it. Like I said mix it up a bit. Other wise I find I get so over whelmed. Go to your happy place in nature today. Your going to make it Martin. I'm going to get on my hands and knees and say a thank you prayer for your well being.
PS don't forget the chocolate.
Love,
Chris xxx
Chris, I am humbled by your example and your love; your words have created a safe place for my troubled soul to rest. I thank you with everything I have.
Anything good I become or do will owe something to your kindness.
Anything good I become or do will owe something to your kindness.
I am quite overwhelmed by the honesty of Chris's post...
I wanted to say to you Martin, you try and help so many others here but you need to look after Martin too. Give yourself time and look after yourself. Do one good thing for yourself every day (if you can).
Much love and respect to you.
Izzy
I wanted to say to you Martin, you try and help so many others here but you need to look after Martin too. Give yourself time and look after yourself. Do one good thing for yourself every day (if you can).
Much love and respect to you.
Izzy
Thanks Izzy. You've helped me more than you know, although you might have guessed. I've got lots to think about.
And you're so right about Chris. I still can't find the words but she made my heart hold its breath.
And you're so right about Chris. I still can't find the words but she made my heart hold its breath.
