I'm So Tired

I'm tired of taking the blame for EVERY thing that goes wrong in my family's life. I swear, if he was constipated, it would somehow be my fault!

I'm tired of lying in bed at night, hating...actually despising the way I feel every single night. I tell myself that I drink and take pills every day to feel GOOD. What a lie. I hate the way they make me feel.

I'm tired of waking up at 2:30 every morning to go to work. I'm tired of failing myself withing 5 minutes of my feet hitting the floor in the morning.

I'm tired of being afraid to die...yet I'm tired of living.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I just feel like I'm really falling lately...and I needed to tell someone.
Hey Jodi,

Last friday I thought I was going to lose it, I am so tired of not having energy, it makes me so want to take some pills, but I know I can't. It gets very depressing, thank goodness that I have my boys and husband that are great support, don't know how anyone can do it without the support. It is great even though my boys have their issues that we are dealing with ( trying to stop drugs and drinking..17 yo realized the drinking was not cutting it for him)
That when they see me down and out and wanting to give up, that they come up to me and just give me big fat hugs and tell me it will be ok, you'll make it thru mom.

So hang tough, one step at a time...just when you feel it can't get any worse, there seems to be some light....

if you're tired of living the life you're living then why not start living the life you want to live?

people spend entire lifetimes marching to the beat of someone else's drummer or trapped in their own nightmare.

you have the power to change that, but you must take the necessary action - only you can do that, no one else.

it's a choice, ya know?

*sdr*
Jodi


They say you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired before you make some positive changes....

So are you saying you are sick and tired of being sick and tired???

You hold the power to change honey...you just have to realize that everything youve done up to now hasn't work, so you must try something new...

Keep posting, always thinking of you...

Hugs

Ali



Jodi, alot of us have been where you are now. It does get better once you decide to live your life for you. Have you tried praying when you get up...doesn't have to be long, or traditional...just pray for the strength to go through the day, pray for the strength to stop drinking and doing pills...as they say in the program "act as if"...I didn't believe in God in the beginning of my recovery (I'm not saying that you have to pray to God, just something bigger than yourself), I began to pray and I found that some (not all ) of my prayers were being answered.

Jodi, I am paying bills will be back but YGM.
Jodi...
I can relate I was the scapegoat for all that went wrong in my family. Somehow my brother's meth use was my fault. At work, I always blamed for things going wrong. I too am tired of living.

Love,
Deirdre
I am so damn depressed lately. I can hardly find the strength to do anything. I have friends that have emailed me, trying to help, showing me they care and I can't even force myself to write back. Just typing this here feels like a chore.

When I am alone during the day, the depression really sinks in. In the evenings, when my family is here, it turns to anxiety. I don't feel good. Every inch of my body just feels achy and I feel exhausted.

So, stop ingesting depressants right? Alcohol, narcotics....of course they will depress you even more. I am tired of being f***ed up all the time. Yet I can't seem to stop doing it. It just spirals and spirals and spirals. And it's getting bad. I mean, c'mon I can't even go one day without drinking. What the hell has happened to me?

I just want to scream and I want to cry and I want to rage and I want to pull the covers over my head and just sleeeeeep. I feel like I'm going insane.

So to anyone I owe an email to, please don't take it personally. I just can't do it right now.

I'm scared and I'm tired and I just don't know anything anymore.
Jodi, dont worry about the email, it was for entertainment purposes if you felt like reading.

Please don't wait until something bad happens, i feel like your going to. My very first boyfriend just died from mixing alchohol with pain pills. I didnt talk to him for 25+ years but it still hurt huge.

IT IS A LETHAL COMBINATION...

I was going to say that I don't mean to scare you but ya know, maybe I do?

Im here for you!
Jodi...
I know so well about the depression. I will finally be getting out of another dead-end relationship, I know I will feel better and probably stop using. My job is another matter, i despise it, i don't like boy teenagers and I have to deal with their aggressive crap. I am so weary I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. Maybe, I will get as much pain killers as I can and just end it.

Love,
Deirdre
jodi.
said it once said it a thousand times... maybe someday you will listen.... as long as you have access to anything to self medicate with you will do it... period... you will not be able to be clean from alcohol and pills with this depression and dispare... you are headed for a rehab or a cofin... the only question is which one and when.... ?.... hope your boys have stable grandparents.....

what do you say... how bout doin some research and trying to go to counseling or an inpatient treatment.... at this point what have you really got to lose?... self respect?... dont seem like you got that . the drugs took that long ago.... money?... drugs are taking that.. the love and support of your hubby?... well your posts seem to speak that you dont have that to lose cause you dont have that anyway... seems like the only thing you have to lose is going to be lost if you DONT do something else... like losing your life or your childrens childhood for them... your dancing with the devil and not making any forward motions are not only costing you but them as well.....

I still think you have some untaped strength that you can find to do the right thing and get help and get clean and work forward to recovery... being here and post this stuff while not a bad thing isnt really enough and it isnt helping you get any closer to getting clean... get some real face to face help before it is too late...

Hope God blesses and keeps you and yours today and smiles on your family a warming glow of peace and calm to them always.... you are worth it jodi you just have to know it..


teresa
the place you describe - this dark place you're in - sounds all-too familiar.

i wasted so much valuable time, years and years, bemoaning my terrible fate - my alcoholism - my drug addiction - my depression - my hopelessness - my this, my that - the other.

what i failed to grasp was that i was responsible for my plight and that i was the only one who could do something to change it.

the big book of alcoholics anonymous describes this place of darkness and desolation to perfection in the chapter, "THERE IS A SOLUTION," pg. 25:

We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help.

i chose the latter of these two alternatives. i sought and accepted spiritual help. in so doing i experienced a change of heart and a shift in perception sufficient to overcome a lifetime of drug addiction and irresponsibility.

i am responsible for my life!

today, if i don't like the course my life is taking, i know that it is my responsibility to take whatever action is necessary to change that course.

it's a choice, ya know!

*sdr*
I noticed when i drank booze on pain killers i got real depressed, so i haven't had a drink in 2 years, and a month ago i put down the cigarettes, so my only vice i have right now is pain killers, imo drinking and pain killers are a bad mix, i would assume a lethal one to? the cigarettes are the real killer, over the last 30days my chest and heart feel 100% better.
i think sdr and teresa have said it best here, ultimately, you only have two choices. it is all up to you. when i was at the point you were and my back was against the wall, feeling hopeless and like i just could not do this, i felt i could not fight this demon, i prayed and prayed, in the shower, in my car, in my bed, all day long. i knew this was much bigger then me. i knew i could not beat this alone. enough is enough. you are worth it, your kids are more than worth it. lean on someone stronger then yourself. allow yourself to be helped. you are deserve to be helped and you will be suprised just how many people will be willing to help with open arms if you would just reach out and grab someones hand. there are several people out there be it family, friends, strangers and even devine salvation. all you have to do is ask. i know it's not easy. for me it was one of the hardest things to do was just ask. but after the initial reaching out, the rest was an amazing miracle that unfolded before my eyes. you can do this. so many people have done this ahead of you. you are not any different. but it isnt handed to you, you have to let people in and tell them whats going on so you can get the help you so desperately deserve and within a few weeks you will see light shed on your life and your mind/body/soul and spirit will be set free. you are in my prayers. take some action. anything, start somewhere. after all it is up to you.

terrianne
I have been hearing everything everyone says to me. And I know this is 100% my responsibility and that I am the one who got myself into this mess and I am the only one who can make the choice as to which way I will go. I know, I know, I know!!! I make that choice every morning when I wake up. Unfortunately, I make the wrong choice. What the f*** is wrong with me?

I've known for a long time that this is serious business. But the real gravity of it just hit me in the last few months. When I step back and take a look at my life, I can't believe how out of control it has really gotten. I am having a hard time coming to grips with it all, because, you see...I really am afraid that I am going to die because of this. Obviously I'm not scared enough. I feel like I am at my breaking point...Something's gotta give...The point of no return. What a legacy to leave with my kids. My Mom didn't love me enough to stop killing herself on a daily basis.

God help me to help myself.
many years ago while i was in a drug rehab there was a staff nurse who was attempting to explain her road of recovery to me.

i stood there, listening, responding all too often with " i know, i know - yeah but, yeah but."

the nurse finally stopped my retorts by stating: "'yeah but' and 'i know' are the mating call of the male jackass."

it pissed me off at the time but it has been proven to be an accurate assessment of my stubbornness and stupidity.

i have discovered, since it was pointed out by my sponsor, that more-often-than-not when i'm saying "i can't" what i'm really saying is "i won't."

in retrospect i can appreciate that i always had the ability to turn my life around. so, it wasn't that i couldn't - i simply wouldn't.

it's a choice, ya know!

*sdr*
Jodi hun there is hope, you just have to be ready for it and want it. Pain pills and drinking do not mix, I had a bad experience from it by passing out and hitting my head and then hurting myself again. At that time I decided to stop drinking as long as I was on the pills. Once I had been off them abit, I had a glass of wine, my what a difference to have a drink and not have pain pills in my system. ( and no it did not send me back to drinking everyday or even wanting to take pills again) If you are not ready to stop your pills right now, just try and stop drinking.It is hard , but oh so worth it. Then try and do a taper again, IF that is what works for you. But remember your kids!!! They need their mommy.
Hun if you are really ready to move on in your recovery from pills and drinking you CAN do it.

Be tough

chillin'
HI Jodi, How did you know EXACTLY how I felt right before I surrendered? You been reading my journal? I wanted to tell you how hearing what youre going through reminds me of where Ive been and where I am an arms length away from being again. I was going through hell, but I kept on going. I wish there was a magic bullet to offer you, but there isnt. Just hope. I blamed everything and everyone for my problems. It took me 6 weeks or so to get clean once I began going to meetings. I listened to people share and I thought blah, blah, blah, WHAT? Somehow, in the mist of all the blahs, I heard someone talking about me, they had to be, they were describing my feelings to a tee. So I sat up and listened. Seeing others who had been where I had laughing and talking about it amazed me. If they could do, why couldnt I. Well, I was unique. Noone else had been where I had, noone had felt the desperation I had. Then amist the blah, blah, blahs, I heard more about me. Everyone said just keep coming back and dont use, it will get better. Somehow it did, Ive been clean and sober over 4 months now. When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain to change, change will occur. Dont give up, give meetings a chance. Oh, and keep writing, as long as theres a keyboard around, I aint gonna let whats inside me threaten the life it belongs to.

Bullseye sdr!!!!
Your post above hit the nail right on the head!!
It IS our choice to seek help!!!!
Then do the work needed for our recovery
Jodi - you CAN do it!!! If you don't get help, you WILL end up in a coffin.
I pray that your kids & family don't go thru that. Addiction is deadly if left untreated!!! But you already know that ....
Why don't you look into finding in-patient rehab??
With your situation, I strongly believe that in-patient rehab would be best for you. It will get you away from the bs in your home and allow you to focus 100% on your recovery.


Okay....so then maybe I don't know. You are right...I don't know. I don't know anything at this point except for how I feel.

And I will change the statement I made a few posts up....

I said, "I mean, c'mon I can't even go one day without drinking."

What I should have said was, "I mean, c'mon I won't even go one day without drinking."

And, you are right, it is a choice. As I stated above, I am just continually making the wrong choice every day.