Hey! I have been gone off this board for over a week, not really posting about myself, just trying to help others. I have been clean for 3 weeks, as of yesterday! Im not going to lie... I thought of my little pill bottle all day. On one hand Im thrilled that I made it through w/d's, and at the time, I thought I would never want to touch another pill. I find myself today, pondering of pills again. I have a friend, who keeps reminding me of the past 6 months when I was really using. "Your back to yourself, like you were 6 months ago.... Your social life is up running again.... Now that you LET all your friends back in your life, we are all here taking care of you". I have been thinking about all of this, and you know, I really didn't like myself 6 months ago. I am a busy body, that people flock to... I am tired. Im getting frustrated at myself for thinking about what others do, and say... and not being able to let it go. I liked myself better when I was using... I was calmer, and more patient. Everything and everybody is bugging me, and Im highly irratated. I skipped my counseling appt today, because just a couple of days ago, I felt and thought I was doing so well. I think after my last visit, I really am not sure if she gets addiction problems, I think that from reading on this message board and being a part of it, I am learning more, and more. Another dilemma. Do I stay with her, or move on? I feel that I am at a crossroad, and Im just crawling right now, instead of leaping forward! I think that I will always miss my pills, and I am the ONLY one who can choose daily not to give in.......
bee, the feelings your having are normal, we couldnt feel when we were on pills now you have to deal with all your emotions, its overwhelming at first sometimes, but it does get better and you get to feel the good and the bad. It takes a while, hang in there.
JohnDee
JohnDee
What John said....
Nothing was normal when you were using, getting to know the real you all over again can be a painful process. By stopping all of your attempts at recovery, you're headed backwards, fast. Go back to your counselor and tell her what you're thinking. We can't make these decisions on our own. We don't know how.
Your friends see the old you, well, parts of the old you were probably pretty wonderful. If there's stuff you don't like, it's the stuff that got you started taking drugs to forget. So that's the stuff you have to work through. And you can't do it while loaded.
Just take it one day at a time.
xxx
Cowgirl
Nothing was normal when you were using, getting to know the real you all over again can be a painful process. By stopping all of your attempts at recovery, you're headed backwards, fast. Go back to your counselor and tell her what you're thinking. We can't make these decisions on our own. We don't know how.
Your friends see the old you, well, parts of the old you were probably pretty wonderful. If there's stuff you don't like, it's the stuff that got you started taking drugs to forget. So that's the stuff you have to work through. And you can't do it while loaded.
Just take it one day at a time.
xxx
Cowgirl
Cowgirl
Thanks for your post... You hit the target. I guess that I am realizing that I have a lot of work to do, and my recovery is endless. Thank you for your support, and I do appreciate it. Bee
Thanks for your post... You hit the target. I guess that I am realizing that I have a lot of work to do, and my recovery is endless. Thank you for your support, and I do appreciate it. Bee
You're right, your recovery is for the rest of your life. But it doesn't have to seem so awful.... recovery is a good thing. Something I remind myself to get excited about every day.
Cowgirl
Cowgirl
bee, i am on day 15 and i had 2 days off work and i got to do nothing but lie around and sleep, but i did get myself to na. total reality has now set in that i can no longer take my pills to dodge my feelings. a oldtimer at a meeting last night said dont think every day you are going to be feeling happy, life has its ups and downs, its not a drug problem we are facing, its a living problem, how to deal with life on lifes terms, we are so used to medicating our feelings that we now feel open and raw to the world and it is a strange feeling, but if we can do this just one day at a time, more will be revealed. live minute to minute whatever it takes just dont use and if you can or want to go to a meeting, the past 15 days on this board and going to meetings has helped me in a way i never thought possible, when na was suggested i was like oh no thanks, but i was willing to do whatever it took and i went and it has helped me stay clean. just know that you are not alone and i have these feelings too. its jsut part of the process
{{{hugs}}}
carol
{{{hugs}}}
carol
Carol
First I want to say thank you. I have been following your progress, and you should be commended for your strentgh, and determination to keep yourself on the right track. You and I have almost the same date, when we stopped using. I have thought about going to na meetings, and I will take another look into this, because I know that I need to do something. Thanks for your insight into na meetings! Thanks for the hug too! Bee
First I want to say thank you. I have been following your progress, and you should be commended for your strentgh, and determination to keep yourself on the right track. You and I have almost the same date, when we stopped using. I have thought about going to na meetings, and I will take another look into this, because I know that I need to do something. Thanks for your insight into na meetings! Thanks for the hug too! Bee
Shabee, Those people gave you some good advice. Going to meetings was and is still tough for me. But, by working a 12 step program. I have been able to see my shortcomings and to see where my feelings come from. Iam powerless over other people,places, things. When I remember that Iam able to be less frustrated with people and they way they are... Hope you check out a meeting some where.
T-
Thanks T, Im going to look into this tomorrow. I have not seen a 12 step program, and I think I need to! Bee
Shabee..where is your general area? I can find you meetings. Actually, Rachel is better at it, but I can try...
Cowgirl
Cowgirl
Cowgirl.. Good afternoon! Thank you for you willingness to find a meeting for me! A couple of weeks ago Trideltmom posted the web site for my area, and I have already looked into it... I just had it up on my computer. Thank you for all your support, and I am so much better today! I am stronger.... I think I was just having a little pity party yesterday! You are amazing, and you bring so much to this board, and I appreciate all that you do for us newbies! Thank you, cowgirl! If I have problems, I will send out an SOS! Shabee
you go girl!!!
carol
carol
Be careful..... after you've been clean for a little while, your brain starts telling you things like "I was a much better person on pain pills" or "I can take a pill every now and then and not get addicted like last time."
I am not saying this will happen to you, but it's very common. If you no longer are getting something out of your therapy sessions, find a new counselor. Talk to people about what you're feeling.... don't hold it in.
A couple of friends of mine came over the other night to pick up my sister (who lives with me)..... They were talking about how I haven't been back to work but once since I got clean (I work in a place that is not great if you're aiming for sobriety), I don't talk to any of my old friends, I've become a "hermit"...... This led us to start talking about how well I functioned while addicted to vicodin....
My sister said, "Yes, you functioned a lot better on Vicodin. You were happier, more energetic.... You felt like you could do anything. But as soon as you would start running out, you couldn't function at all." And it's true. I think about what I put my family through, the way I would panic if I ran out of pills, how I'd leave the house for hours driving to meet someone who might be able to help me out....
Life will return to normal.... Just give it time. I wish you the best.
Danni
I am not saying this will happen to you, but it's very common. If you no longer are getting something out of your therapy sessions, find a new counselor. Talk to people about what you're feeling.... don't hold it in.
A couple of friends of mine came over the other night to pick up my sister (who lives with me)..... They were talking about how I haven't been back to work but once since I got clean (I work in a place that is not great if you're aiming for sobriety), I don't talk to any of my old friends, I've become a "hermit"...... This led us to start talking about how well I functioned while addicted to vicodin....
My sister said, "Yes, you functioned a lot better on Vicodin. You were happier, more energetic.... You felt like you could do anything. But as soon as you would start running out, you couldn't function at all." And it's true. I think about what I put my family through, the way I would panic if I ran out of pills, how I'd leave the house for hours driving to meet someone who might be able to help me out....
Life will return to normal.... Just give it time. I wish you the best.
Danni
