Hey People hows things?
Do you ever make decisions in recovery or say things and then have that little voice in you head that questions why did you do that or say that
and was it
- the right decision
- my decision
- people pleasing
- what you thought they wanted you to do or say
- for the recognition
- because you wanted to
- butt kissing
- fear, guilt etc
- a bad lie or a white lie
- to intentionally hurt
In my journey of recovery i have done all of the above and more and over the years self honesty and guilt have waged many a battle in my head and reality.
Now whatever i do i do because i am responsible for my actions and the consequences they bear if any, don't get me wrong i'm not perfect and at work would be the hardest sometimes because i might say something to brush an ego or try to impress. At home it is easy i don't have to live up to any trumpet i've blown because they know me.
It is hard sometimes to be the person i want to be, as i have blown it by doing some of the above in the past and while I'm saying it my conscience (or is it addiction) is reminding me of my failings. I am getting better and better in dealing with the little doubt sower of addiction and even when i have made a decision i know to be the right one, old addiction can try and make me doubt myself if i allow it the head space and time.
All i have to do is hand it over and trust in my higher power to walk hand in hand with my actions and intentions as long as they are good.
The bad decisions i do make have to be dealt with ASAP or they can become comonplace and as soon as i make them my conscience sorts me out quickly, i listen to it most of the time and also there are somethings and decisions i have done or made that i really don't know if they are good or bad only time will tell.
Light and love Zac
Hey my ball pal Zac! Awesome post! Really made me think. I checked off most of those on your list. I still do those to this day. I believe alot of those things in me have to do with my terrible codie problem. I am working on that everyday along with staying sober. Once when in the "clink" (what I call a treatment center) my group leader told us that when we drink and drug we actually stop growing emotionally and stay mentally immature. Then when we stop dosing ourselves and running we begin right where we left off! Jiminy I had no idea how much of a child I am. I am almost 35 and alot of my actions were that of a teenager. An immature one at that. Over the last year I have had to take a hard look at myself, which is hard to do, but I have really grown up. I still have alot of work to do, but slowly but surely I know I will get there! Thanks for the post Zac.....it really helped me take a look at myself today.
Hope you are having a good one!! Your Friend Valarie
Hope you are having a good one!! Your Friend Valarie
Yes Zac, I do the same things...however, I've become more aware as I grow in recovery and have been able to turn to my HP more and more as of late...self-will run riot comes to mind when I read your post...it definitely is food for thought...thanks for that post.
