To whom it may concern,
Yep, back out again. Can't stay clean for any length of time. Guess it's because I start to feel as if it isn't really worth it to me.
Yep, I'm just one of those people who will never get it. Just one of those that will either die or who know's what else that will happen because of my use.
I just get to the point that I just don't care what happens. See, I'm not happy clean and nor am I happy using. So why fight it I say?
I'm just depressed all the time, I don't like to feel. It's too much for me. My life is worthless. I'm worthless. What else can I really say?
When I first came to this board I needed help, I was desperate. People didn't understand how badly I was hurting. They just wanted to kick me while I was down. I was attacked unmercifully,So, now you know that you hurt me...that's why I came at you with guns blazing.
some of the people on this board that are looked at with great respect and have a lot of power
are really hurtful and maybe shouldn't even be allowed to post. And I say that as a victim of their words.So...here I am wasted again...anybody out there think they can save me this time? I feel like I'm dying inside.
Dear Liz,
Babe please email me....I am sure I sent you my email address before. You do not sound like yourself and I am truly worried. Have you seen a doctor about these deep feelings?
I am not anyone with any "power or influence" on this board, but if I ever said anything about you or to you to hurt you or make you feel worthless or lead to you using again, then please forgive me. I have only wanted you to be happy.
You are NOT worthless!!!!! Just know that I think you are awesome. You have always stood up for the ones that thought they had no voice. You email me PLEASE!
Anyone else out there with some good experience that can help out here....I think we need to come together. I love you Liz
Clancy
Babe please email me....I am sure I sent you my email address before. You do not sound like yourself and I am truly worried. Have you seen a doctor about these deep feelings?
I am not anyone with any "power or influence" on this board, but if I ever said anything about you or to you to hurt you or make you feel worthless or lead to you using again, then please forgive me. I have only wanted you to be happy.
You are NOT worthless!!!!! Just know that I think you are awesome. You have always stood up for the ones that thought they had no voice. You email me PLEASE!
Anyone else out there with some good experience that can help out here....I think we need to come together. I love you Liz
Clancy
HEELLO SWEETIE i feel for you IM still take those little demons to . Iso do you get depressed alot i dont no what to say but um here for my little sweet heart and we care about you. i wish i could be there for you.. you feel like the world is so cold and people care only about themselves I expressed myself and a certain poste told me this might not be the place for me and i felt so bad but other help me to realize that I do belong so dont ever say you dont we care my little darling we all step back but theres always lite at the end of the tunnel. belive it or not please express your needs to all we will be sweetie you will be ok honey love yspearing
WOW! ON THE PITY POT AGAIN...!
WHENEVER YOU TAKE AIM TO THOSE WHO YOU SAY, 'HAVE POWER' AND COME ON SO STRONG...THINK AGAIN...THEY ARE STRONG BECAUSE THEY TOOK IT ALL ON THE CHIN...WALKED THE WALKED, WENT TO MEETINGS, GOT A SPONSOR AND DIDN'T USE IF THERE ASSES FELL OFF. WHEN, IF EVER YOU GET THAT FAR, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THAT.
I HAD A COUNSELOR ONCE SAY TO ME..."YOU NEED TO LISTEN...BECAUSE THAT'S WHY YOU ARE THE PT. AND I AM THE COUNSELOR...BECAUSE YOU ARE SREWED UP AGAIN. I AM NOT, AND THAT'S WHY I AM THE COUNSELOR!"
I THOUGHT...TOUCHE!
AND SHE WAS RIGHT.
YOU ARE BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE...LOUD AND CLEAR...MS. LIZ...NO ONE MAKES YOU, EVER, PUT ANY CHEMICAL INTO YOU BODY.
ONLY YOU MAKE THAT CHOICE.
I HAD TO STOP BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE AND START LOOKING AT ME, AFTER 38 YEARS OF ALWAYS BEING A VICTIM AND BLAMING.
NO MORE. I AM THE HAPPIEST PERSON I NOW KNOW.
GET OFF YOUR BUTT, AND GET TO AN NA MEETING. AND KEEP GETTING TO THEM.
IF YOU DON'T, THEN --YOU--AND ONLY YOU HAVE MADE THE CHOICE TO STAY HIGH AND ENJOY IT.
WHENEVER YOU TAKE AIM TO THOSE WHO YOU SAY, 'HAVE POWER' AND COME ON SO STRONG...THINK AGAIN...THEY ARE STRONG BECAUSE THEY TOOK IT ALL ON THE CHIN...WALKED THE WALKED, WENT TO MEETINGS, GOT A SPONSOR AND DIDN'T USE IF THERE ASSES FELL OFF. WHEN, IF EVER YOU GET THAT FAR, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THAT.
I HAD A COUNSELOR ONCE SAY TO ME..."YOU NEED TO LISTEN...BECAUSE THAT'S WHY YOU ARE THE PT. AND I AM THE COUNSELOR...BECAUSE YOU ARE SREWED UP AGAIN. I AM NOT, AND THAT'S WHY I AM THE COUNSELOR!"
I THOUGHT...TOUCHE!
AND SHE WAS RIGHT.
YOU ARE BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE...LOUD AND CLEAR...MS. LIZ...NO ONE MAKES YOU, EVER, PUT ANY CHEMICAL INTO YOU BODY.
ONLY YOU MAKE THAT CHOICE.
I HAD TO STOP BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE AND START LOOKING AT ME, AFTER 38 YEARS OF ALWAYS BEING A VICTIM AND BLAMING.
NO MORE. I AM THE HAPPIEST PERSON I NOW KNOW.
GET OFF YOUR BUTT, AND GET TO AN NA MEETING. AND KEEP GETTING TO THEM.
IF YOU DON'T, THEN --YOU--AND ONLY YOU HAVE MADE THE CHOICE TO STAY HIGH AND ENJOY IT.
I must admit i many many times have felt the same way, when i read your post it was as if i was reading a post from me, look i dont really know what i can say to make you feel better but my e-mail address is (jasmine49@comcast.net) please e-mail me i will try to help you and in some cases i have been known to talk via phone , what ever you need let me know, i felt the same way feeling was to much , not happy high or sober, ahhhh wanting to die but can not i have three kids, look i will tell you one thing you do not wanna die you need to be here there are people whom love you, i don't now you but i luv you and all of the people in the fellow ship, it is your disease talking 2-u , please e-mail me... your friend fellow addict...
Liz
I am so sorry to hear about your current situation, I know you feel that there is no way out.....but there is......you can get better if you want to, which I believe you do or you would not keep coming back. I used to get angry and lash out..also blame others but really I was angry at myself and projecting it outwards. You mention being unhappy with or without drugs, thats how it gets but given time without the depression will lift but you need help...you cannot do it alone or via a message board you need face to face support. Liz I dont really know why you stopped answering my emails and messages but I am here for you even if you just want to off load.
Paul
I am so sorry to hear about your current situation, I know you feel that there is no way out.....but there is......you can get better if you want to, which I believe you do or you would not keep coming back. I used to get angry and lash out..also blame others but really I was angry at myself and projecting it outwards. You mention being unhappy with or without drugs, thats how it gets but given time without the depression will lift but you need help...you cannot do it alone or via a message board you need face to face support. Liz I dont really know why you stopped answering my emails and messages but I am here for you even if you just want to off load.
Paul
Hello,
That really sucks that you relapsed again to taking pills. Don't worry about it. Most of us have done it too. I think its all part of the learning process to become clean and stay clean.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say your 'wasted again and can anyone help me.' Are you drunk or just really high when you did this post????
As for helping you, first off you gotta help yourself! There is no way we can hold your hand and do all the work for you. We are always here to support you and help out in anyway we can but untimately it's up to you to help yourself.
That being said. Maybe you should post a more clean, honest and helpful post when your not 'wasted.'
We are here to help you if you ask for it, not to have pity on you for relapsing on pills.
That really sucks that you relapsed again to taking pills. Don't worry about it. Most of us have done it too. I think its all part of the learning process to become clean and stay clean.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say your 'wasted again and can anyone help me.' Are you drunk or just really high when you did this post????
As for helping you, first off you gotta help yourself! There is no way we can hold your hand and do all the work for you. We are always here to support you and help out in anyway we can but untimately it's up to you to help yourself.
That being said. Maybe you should post a more clean, honest and helpful post when your not 'wasted.'
We are here to help you if you ask for it, not to have pity on you for relapsing on pills.
LIZ,read your e-mail and do what it says, ok untill then , dont worry this to shall pass...
Liz,
You'll get there, being early in recovery is hard work, you need face to face support, it's life and death, it's a hard disease to get a grip on, hang in there.
Take care...................................God bless......................................Bob
You'll get there, being early in recovery is hard work, you need face to face support, it's life and death, it's a hard disease to get a grip on, hang in there.
Take care...................................God bless......................................Bob
liz how you sweete been thinking about you. post let us no how your doing ok sweete we care all of us do even the bold ones love yspearing
Liz,
Read your post and definetly feel your Pain...Not quite sure what to say other than you are so so not alone. Im sure we all remember that feeling and for me at least this board was a start in knowing that I am not alone and that there is hope for us if we really want it...
I know that most of us wether it be using or newly clean are FRAGILE as glass.and I know for sure it would not have taken me much to run packing if someone here were to have said something hurtful to me, especially in the beginning...
I also know that sometimes the truth hurts, and usually ( just for me) some of the things I really do not want to hear are the things I need to do the most..
I personally don't feel that it is a smart idea for someone to push anyone especially here to hard if at all..I tend to feel that most if not all of the people here are here because they , for whatever reason, are not ready to face the real world, knowing that even one small jesture or look that we may interrept the wrong way, will send us running back to the safe imprisionment we came from.only to think that there really is no hope...
I'de like to believe that the main purpose of this board is to be sort of an go-between. Until the person can find there way to another place or another plateau leading to their recovery.
Well All I really want to say is that I hope you can lighten up on yourself and know that you are NOT alone.. I don't think it is important how many times you fall, what is important is that you Keep trying to get up...and by you just being here it shows that you are trying..Never stop trying.,. You owe this to Yourself..Im sure you put yourself through enough hell, its time to be good to yourself.. It's not over till its over..
Hope Everyone is Fine and doing as well as they want to do..
Love and Hugs to All
Di
Read your post and definetly feel your Pain...Not quite sure what to say other than you are so so not alone. Im sure we all remember that feeling and for me at least this board was a start in knowing that I am not alone and that there is hope for us if we really want it...
I know that most of us wether it be using or newly clean are FRAGILE as glass.and I know for sure it would not have taken me much to run packing if someone here were to have said something hurtful to me, especially in the beginning...
I also know that sometimes the truth hurts, and usually ( just for me) some of the things I really do not want to hear are the things I need to do the most..
I personally don't feel that it is a smart idea for someone to push anyone especially here to hard if at all..I tend to feel that most if not all of the people here are here because they , for whatever reason, are not ready to face the real world, knowing that even one small jesture or look that we may interrept the wrong way, will send us running back to the safe imprisionment we came from.only to think that there really is no hope...
I'de like to believe that the main purpose of this board is to be sort of an go-between. Until the person can find there way to another place or another plateau leading to their recovery.
Well All I really want to say is that I hope you can lighten up on yourself and know that you are NOT alone.. I don't think it is important how many times you fall, what is important is that you Keep trying to get up...and by you just being here it shows that you are trying..Never stop trying.,. You owe this to Yourself..Im sure you put yourself through enough hell, its time to be good to yourself.. It's not over till its over..
Hope Everyone is Fine and doing as well as they want to do..
Love and Hugs to All
Di
Hey Liz:
You know I'm here for you also. I'll be here when you need me. I understand the pain and loneliness associated with using. It's a mask and it does not work anymore. Take care of yourself and keep posting you have a lot of people in your corner here.
Rach
You know I'm here for you also. I'll be here when you need me. I understand the pain and loneliness associated with using. It's a mask and it does not work anymore. Take care of yourself and keep posting you have a lot of people in your corner here.
Rach
Hi Liz,
Don't give up -- take some of that fighting spirit and turn it against your addiction. It won't have a chance....M.
Don't give up -- take some of that fighting spirit and turn it against your addiction. It won't have a chance....M.
To all of you that came and posted your support thank you.
I'm doing a little better today. What I meant by using it was methadone. That drug got me real crazy. I have to stay away from it. Puts me in a fog real fast and I get extreme mood swings.
To whoever posted about getting honest, that is what I did. I was honest about using again. I know I need face to face help. I really can't do this alone. I don't know why I can't get it that this disease is powerful.
I know I've said this before and you can all take it for an excuse if you want to, but it's the truth. Not having my kids kills me. When I get clean and start the feel again the pain comes rushing in. I can't handle it. That pain almost caused me to take my own life so many times. The only thing that kept me here was numbing the pain. I really don't know how to deal with it. Not an excuse to use. just the truth.
M, Yea I hear you about turning the fighting on this disease. Depression though is so much stronger then I am. I am in a nightmare all the time. My whole life all I ever wanted to be was a Mom, to raise my kids myself. That was taking away from me and I can't deal with being a part time Mom. Seeing my kids only every other weekend. Some people can handle this. I can't. When I get clean I can't stop crying about it. Depression will cause me to take my life. I have no doubt about that.
I don't know what else I can possibly do. I take the anti depressants like they tell me to do and it doesn't work. I've been on so many and it's just the same thing all the time. They work at first then they stop working. I'm almost to a point that I will have to except this is my destiny. If I'm going to survive I will have to continue to numb myself. Unless there really is help out there. I haven't found it. I am not strong at all. So those of you who are out to rip me apart. Go ahead. It doesn't really matter to me. You can't do anymore to me that hasn't already been done to me through the family court system. I'm just a walking dead already. I died 6 years ago.
I'm doing a little better today. What I meant by using it was methadone. That drug got me real crazy. I have to stay away from it. Puts me in a fog real fast and I get extreme mood swings.
To whoever posted about getting honest, that is what I did. I was honest about using again. I know I need face to face help. I really can't do this alone. I don't know why I can't get it that this disease is powerful.
I know I've said this before and you can all take it for an excuse if you want to, but it's the truth. Not having my kids kills me. When I get clean and start the feel again the pain comes rushing in. I can't handle it. That pain almost caused me to take my own life so many times. The only thing that kept me here was numbing the pain. I really don't know how to deal with it. Not an excuse to use. just the truth.
M, Yea I hear you about turning the fighting on this disease. Depression though is so much stronger then I am. I am in a nightmare all the time. My whole life all I ever wanted to be was a Mom, to raise my kids myself. That was taking away from me and I can't deal with being a part time Mom. Seeing my kids only every other weekend. Some people can handle this. I can't. When I get clean I can't stop crying about it. Depression will cause me to take my life. I have no doubt about that.
I don't know what else I can possibly do. I take the anti depressants like they tell me to do and it doesn't work. I've been on so many and it's just the same thing all the time. They work at first then they stop working. I'm almost to a point that I will have to except this is my destiny. If I'm going to survive I will have to continue to numb myself. Unless there really is help out there. I haven't found it. I am not strong at all. So those of you who are out to rip me apart. Go ahead. It doesn't really matter to me. You can't do anymore to me that hasn't already been done to me through the family court system. I'm just a walking dead already. I died 6 years ago.
liz your post mad me cry for my girlfreind lost her kids and she coundnt ever even see them it was real bad .. I helped her but that dint help to much I dont no how to help i never had kids the hoildays are comming up so i no how hard that is if theres anything i can do just ask please hang in ther like I can talk ither are some really bold people out there meetings are good but iv tryed themm it was abad time for,,, so I didnt go no more but they do work for alot some people take the meeting over the edge. but they great for alot of people .. I STOPED DRINKING ALONE and did it no meetings little one on one therpy everone is driffrent what works fou one doesnt work for the other but please hang in ther my sweete love all yspearing
I think that HIW was just using the tough approach...will you be my sponsor? That tough love is what is needed sometimes.
Liz, depression isn't easy to deal with. But you can't let it take over. Just use the attitude, you will not use, no matter what. I had to; I could get really depressed and sometimes do. It really sucks big time, but I know when I MAKE MYSELF take care of business, it gets better. Meetings help because it shows me that people can be terribly depressed, but they just don't use over it.
Good luck.
kerry
Liz, depression isn't easy to deal with. But you can't let it take over. Just use the attitude, you will not use, no matter what. I had to; I could get really depressed and sometimes do. It really sucks big time, but I know when I MAKE MYSELF take care of business, it gets better. Meetings help because it shows me that people can be terribly depressed, but they just don't use over it.
Good luck.
kerry
