I've Left Him

Hello,

Well, I gave him an ultimatum on Thursday and said I can't put up with his habit any longer. I said he needed to prove it to me in a week he could get clean again.
On Saturday, I got home from the pub nearly 11pm. It looked like no one was at home but I ran upstairs and into the bathroom and found him ASLEEP on the toilet with a used needle and 3 little bits of foil and the spoon all laid out in front of him.

It was horrible. I screamed "You F***king Piece of s***...... How could you do this!?!?" He woke up then, his eyes were bulging and looking in opposite directions. He kind of looked at me and said "what??" I stormed out the door slamming them along the way.

I have given him so many chances and I really think that It was something I needed to see - the Shock factor if you like - for me to have the strength to leave. I have never seen him in such a state before.

I stayed at a mates and didn't sleep ALL Night, then went back to the flat and packed my stuff while he was in bed. I stayed at my mums last night and I'm going to a friend's tonight.

He couldn't apologise enough as per usual, but I said he needs to get better before we can try again. I've left a few things there.

It's his birthday on Thursday and he's going for a meal. He's asked me to go which I'm gonna. I still love him so much, More than anything but I need to know he is worth it and then I can hold my head up and say "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you".

Almost 3 years we have been together. This is the 10th time he's attempted to stay clean. I hope he does it for HIM. I just know he won't do it while I'm there. I have to stick to my guns this time. It was horrible leaving and he cried and asked if he could still call. I said yes, I'm still here for him.

It hurts so much. Last night he text me to say he misses me like crazy but after all that was said, he sounded like he had had some Gear and I know he had some left as I found it in his wardrobe.

I feel so fuzzy and it's not really sunk in yet...

I need a hug :o(
Petal x
I share your pain sweets !

Only thing is HE left me, not ME him ....

HUGE hug from me ! You're in my prayers ...

I'm so sorry Petal. I don't know what to say to be honest, I'm trying to get better myself and it's not easy but (and I say this with only 3 days under my belt so am not all knowing) I don't think it's impossible. I desperately wanted to get some last night but my boyf had a word with me and we just went to bed and hugged/cried until we fell asleep and I felt much better this morning. It does sound like he loves you, it's just whether it is enough. Try and be strong, I know it hurts (my boyf was an addict and we broke up many times before I joined him).

I feel so bad for you.

L
xxxxx
Dear Petal,
Please stay strong. You said, " , More than anything but I need to know he is worth it and then I can hold my head up and say "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you". You are so right
I think as well, that after 10 failed attempts, you will need more than his word if you do decide to go back with him. Please don't rush back into this relationship, he needs to stay clean for a little while so you can be sure of his commitment. Sorry to be blunt. This drug makes people really good liars, and since you love him so much, you will want to give him the bennifit of doubt at an early stage, stay strong. If the love is there, it will be there in 3 months,6 months, a year. In the mean time, hold your head up high, for you.
One more thing, and I'm not trying to be hurtful,
do you think that by staying for as long as you did, that you were kind of enabling his using to continue?
I encourage you to think of everything about this relationship. If your best girlfriend, or sister were in your situation, what advice would you give to them?
Take care of yourself, don't play second fiddle in anyones band.
Respectfully yours,
Nancy









Talula - Thank you so much for your words. I am sorry to hear that. Were you doing it or him?

Laulau - I have not spoken to you but I am aware of your progress - good on you girl. I have been curious as to what it is like before - but then seeing what it has done to my BF puts the idea straight out of my head! People always said "If you can't beat them you'll join them" But luckily I haven't and wouldn't now. You are in my thoughts chick. Keep going x

Phar Macy - Thank you also, I know I have to be strong because we have split up and got back together sooooooo many times. I suppose in the end the hurt takes over and you know that if you get together again the hurt will go away and everything will be OK - well for a few weeks or months.
In answer to your question - Yes I was really kinda funding his habit in the end - he still owes me 140.00
I have made him aware that I'm still here for him though. He has called a few times but it's nice if you know what I mean. I know that this is the only thing that could help him and It's gonna be so tough - I have already had a breakdown at work today - floods of tears!

Thinking of all of you and thanks for your replies.
Take care All, Speak soon,

Petal x


Hi Petal, thank for your kind words. Yeah I went on the roundabout with my boyf which was how I ended up trying it - wanted to know what it was that would make him be so mean to me and risk everything we had together, unfortunately I found out only too well. Don't ever try it - I wish I hadn't, my boyf begged me not to but I did and now look at the mess I am in. Still I am doing my best now and my boyf is right there with me, both of us on 3 days now and hopefully it will get to the point where there are so many days I won't be able to count.

I don't agree with completely turning your back on addicts because I don't think it would help them in the long run (just a point of view), so I am glad to hear that you guys are still in touch - think it will give him some motivation, although he needs to do it for himself.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

L
xxxxx
Hi Petal .....

Well i was the sober one, i've never touched any form of drug my entire life.
He's been in and out of rehab for 3 years (heroine). And he's only 23. We've been together on and off for 7 years. Last couple of months went really great, he was on good medication to suppress his cravings. Till he started lying again and i found "evidence" that he was using again.
I never said anything about it. To avoid confrontation. But on friday the pooof hit the fan..
He got stuck on the freeway not too far from where i work and i helped him out with some cash for fuel. On his way home i couldn't get hold of him too see if he was safe seeing that he had a flat tyre earlier that day. But he insisted i let him know when i am home safe?
I then called his mom, not to check up, just to see if he was safe. BIGGEST mistake i could've made .... He took it as if i was checkin up on him....

He avoided me for several days, no text msg's no phone calls nothing. Eventually he called and yelled and screamed cos i was now to blame cos his parents think he's back snorting (which i know he is but would never tell them)

I've always covered for him, always went out of my way to do things for him, loved, cared EVERYTHING ... and what do i get back, a slap in the face by the words of " It's over, i never want to see you again, you turned my parents against me"

I did it because i cared and concerned about his safety.

I forgave him for 7 years of lies etc, but he can't forgive me for one caring phonecall....

And to be honest, i'd do anything to get him back, but he has someone new in his life now, her name is HEROINE .....

If only there was something i could do ... but i have lost all, he'll never come back ....
Hey.....

Talula, you will probably find he will come back.

I made a kind of similar mistake yesterday. I thought his mum had a right to know i was going and I rang her.
I didn't tell her what I saw or anything just that he was in a bit of a mess and I told him I couldn't cope anymore. She totally understood it from my point of view BUT she said if he wanted to go back there the answer would most definitly be NO. I told her I was a bit worried coz before I left he cried and said that life was not worth living without me. I just wanted to let her know so she could keep an eye on him. She told me not to ruin my life just because he is ruining his.

As it happens, she called him and said she didn't blame me for going. I know this coz he text me "my mum didn't have to know. Now I've lost her too" but I called to try and explain. I thought she'd be caring, she's just had enough of his habit too and he doesn't know that she knows everything - not from me but she knows.

I know this is really sad but I knew he was out earlier (His best mate emailed me to let me know he was looking after him) So I went round to the flat and it's all fine. He's not kicked off! I bought him some bread and milk as I know he has no money. He probably won't notice but it'll be nice if he does. Maybe he'll think I'm being scarey though - well, we'll see I'm jabbering on now though so sorry!

Petal xxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Petal

If you have read any of my previous posts you will find them sympathetic on the whole.
I am a person who has been through the whole bf addiction - living with an addict thing.
I am so sick of reading the same stories.
I know this board is supposed to be a positive thing.
I am very positive in my own life - when I can be - and I do my best to find healing words where they will be heeded.
But I am very tired of saying the same thing on this board - with no apparent effect.
Your bf will not stop using because you want a better life for him.
He will continue to lie to you, continue to rob, and continue to use gear.
I don't even have that s*** in my life any more, yet even last night I had a nightmare involving him and the guilt. Because I never saved him.
It has been 3 years since I had contact with him.
I woe the day that he dies...because he surely will.
If he doesnt then HEY thats a bonus...I dont have his death on my conscience.
I have got my own life now...have you???
Or is it all about him and your reationship?
Does it make you feel better cos someone needs you?
If so, thats fine..we all need to be loved.
He will never love you more than the gear girl.
Choose life x
Hi everyone,

I'm also the girlfriend of a heroin addict. We've been together for more than five years and have a 14 month old daughter together. I have always loved him and I probably always will. He has been a lot better since we had our girl. He's been on methadone. The last few weeks though he changed from methadone to subutex but couldn't stand it without pills and heroin. Now he's back on heroin and hasn't been working for weeks. He might go back on methadone I guess (if he doesn't end up in jail first).

Anyway, I have had quite nice weeks alone with my daughter, without him. I didn't let him stay here when he started using again. It's been really peaceful here and I have been able to think about myself and our girl. It's been a bit like out of sight out of mind. He is just a selfish person. And I know that the drugs probably make up most of that but even without the drugs he always talks about himself. "I want to do this and that." I have realised that I have been thinking about him first and myself second. And he thinks about himself first and if I'm lucky and he's not too off his face or emotionally distant he might give me a thought.

Why do we women (because we're mostly women doing this) do this to ourselves? Is it because we want to be needed? Is it really because of love? Is it because we have a dream of what it could be like if he wasn't using? But he is! I used to be so naive. I had no idea what it meant that he was a heroin addict. I thought our love was stronger than that. I have lived on hope for years. I am on my way to break away from this. It might not be yet, but soon. And then it will be up to him to follow me and not me to follow him anymore.

I want to live a life without lies, without hurt, without worry all the time. I want to be proud of my partner. I want to see the love he has for me in his eyes. And when I am writing this I am not thinking about my bf I am thinking about the future with someone else.

Good luck to everyone in their search for happiness!
Petal,

I'm sorry to hear that you were hurt yet again but I'm soooooooooo proud of you girl.

It took a lot of guts to do what you did and as you know my story I am right behind you with thoughts of leaving for the right reasons instead of staying for the wrong ones.

I know how much I love him but it scares me to think that the love he has for me is blind. There is no other way to look at it but to say Hey I did this for me and no one else and if he chooses to destroy his life with drugs then be glad that you left now because waiting for it to happen again would be much worse. In the end we're always the ones hurt .

I heard someone say once that "Woman have internal feelings because our "organs" ( you know what I mean) are internal. Men have external feelings because their "organs" are external".

I don't know how true this is but it made sense to me. I guess what I'm trying to say is we get hurt because we wear our hearts out on our sleeve (well most of us do) and men don't show their emotions.

The thought of leaving the person that you were going to spend the rest of your life with is unimaginable and I know the pain you are feeling inside but this WILL most definately make you STRONGER. As hard as it is to hear, truth is you already know this and you've acted on it.

He was or is still a very lucky man to have a positive influence such as you in his life. Whether HE knows that or not, be proud that you have a heart of gold and choose to still be there for him. This petal, is probably one of the hardest things you've ever thought of doing and you did it.

Continued Success and Happiness and remember this is your life and YOU decide where it goes.

TADA GIRL AND GOOD LUCK!

Confused
(Tanya)

HUGS AND KISSES xxxxxooooooxxxxxoooxxooxooxooxoxo
Hi all

We (us girls) get into these relationships because of our own reasons.

Mostly we don't understand why we would put ourselves through the trauma. We blame it on love.

There are many real reasons why we find ourselves in these situations.

Most of the reasons stem from the experiences we have had in our lives - before we met these men.

I have just got this book called "Reinventing your Life".

I have never been into psychology self help books.

It is a good read.

Very helpful indeed. The only one I've properly been bothered about reading - highly recommended.

Try it x
Thank you evryone.

Last night got worse - My parents were waiting for me when I got home and someone had told my mum all about me finding him on Saturday night.

So they told me it's him or us. If I ever go back to him then they said I will not be their daughter any more. I told them that I was going to tell them eventually but I just couldn't bring myself to while I was still hurting. They said he was a loser and I stood up for him but at the end of it all, I have lost them before over my BF and I am NOT going to lose them again.

Good luck everyone.

Take care Hayley xxxxx
Petal,
Hey just to state a fact that I have only uncovered after removing myself from the same life you have had. It is that they, our bf are our "heroin" we are addicted to
"helping them" "getting and keeping them clean"
Yes you are correct in saying it is our past hurts and hangups that land us in these situations but just as the heroin addict must make a choice to stay away from there addiction you too, my self included, must stay away from our addictions.

Basically what i am saying is that one tough love would help you and at this point you must address your addiction not his. Because you only have the power to make a choice for you not him or anyone else.

just as he alone can choose not to use trust me not even a beautiful soon to be 3 year old daugther has driven my ex to quit. So I ultimatums well just don't work. He has to make that choice.

I know i have not made alot of sense but I will agree with newbrighton. Once we 'KICK OUR HABIT WE LIVE AGAIN" and I myself will not go back to the bf addiction syndrome.
Trying to Move On - Thanks. I know you have had a hard time too. With a child it must be 10 times worse.

It was his birthday yesterday and he wanted me to go for his meal. I did. And I wish I had read your post then because I ended up going back to OUR flat really drunk and kissed, cuddled and we made love after all that. I was so pleased he was clean. He looked clean, he had his new clothes on that I bought him and his mates came out to support him which was good but half of them do it too.

I didn't sleep, just lay awake looking at him and snuggling.
I feel like pooh now HANG OVER - my own fault. I knew it would happen though.

God I am addicted to him aren't I?????

H x
hi petal just wanted to know how you would feel if you had found him on the toilet not asleep but dead .im sorry if this sounds hard but you would live the rest of youre life seeing that scene and asking yourself what if i came home earlier would i have saved him. luckily he was asleep but he let you find him in that state and i know it would destroy me if i saw anything like that.i would rather not be in that situ.addicts bring you down .you start living there life and forget about youre own.take care i hope i havent offended you .i have had this for 5 years and now its my turn yo start living again. xxx
Thanks Larry - No offence taken!
I have been living his life for 3 years. I have had a brilliant weekend - I have a good family and friends getting me through - we have not spoken since Sat. I hope he's OK.

My mum said "What if you'd have found him dead?" I have moved into my friend's house now. Good luck to all xxxxx
To comment on the what if you found him dead. One day when my daughter was 5 mos old he od'd at Kentucy Fried Chicken, 5 minutes after we got there. I thank God my son 8 then wasn't with us to see it, I only feared what would I have done if I still was driving when it happened, for that was an experience I NNNNEEEVVVVVEEERRRRRRRRRRR want to relive. And for the following 13 months I always went home first to make sure he wasn't lying dead on the floor before picking up the kids. That I feel was the worst part of living with an addict. And not wanting his death on my conscious was one driving force out of our relationship.

It may seem harsh to some but life is short enough, I could not see living life in total misery.

I pray noone ever must see their loved ones overdosing. Petal I will pray for you.
I got involved in a "celebrate recovery group" for co dependency. It definitely has helped. Good Luck. And stay strong like I kept telling myself If I can live with the addiction anything is possible.