Hey everyone!... im from the family/partners board and I actually would like to know what you guys think.. Someone from the other board said its very common that a recovering addict seeks companionship from another ... My "now" ex is an alcoholic, and a drug addict... and I was wondering if you guys could please give me som feed back...
"Just a little update...
JP and I are officially seperated. We havent really had a title between us for the past 4 months.. but now we are done with the dates we would do and no intimate stuff. On Friday I found out that he has been lieing about talking to girls.. and Please let me explain.. I have absolutely no problem with him talking to girls.. actually that is a false statement.. I have a problem with it but I dont make it an issue and I don't start fights or ask him not to. He is the one that kept saying I am not talking to any girls because I want to make you more comfortable and I want you to trust me.. And i would reply with.. NOOOO JP how am I supposed to become okay with something if you keep shielding me from it?? Then I find out that when he was sitting there telling me that he wouldn't talk to another girl that he was talking to them... how did I find out?? I got a text message from some girl that said... So are you single?? and that started a huge fight between JP and I.. he said he has no idea why she would ask that.. because he only gave her his number (*actually MY number*) and took her number so he could have support from other addicts. He then tells me that hes been talking to other girls the entire time and that there was this one incident where this girl allana started to give him hints that she liked him and he told her that he is in love with this girl ... yadda yadda.. and he kept saying.. so you should be happy that I ended the friendship when she started to come onto me... and I said.. ya JP thats great.. but... YOU LIED!.. He could have lied about what he had for lunch and I would be just as upset.. IM TIRED OF BEING LIED TO!...Part of me believes him.. that he just wants friends ... period.. but Im analyzing his actions.. and he's lieing.. hiding.. manipulating...all over just being friends??.. does that honestly make sense?? So i told him that we cant do this.. That I love him.. but im tired of being hurt.. its the HARDEST thing to do for me.
I have now come to the conclusions (*after not listening to what others told me*) that I am/was addicted to him... At first I was toooo angry and toooooo hatefull to care that we werent together... but the next night.. i was DIEING to call him.. infact I called Sat. and Sunday for the STUPIDEST questions.. like.. "how do you inflat your tires?" Now, I really dont know.. because he always took care of that for me... but I didnt have to call him.. I could have asked ANYONE else. but it was like i was hoping that we could talk... and work things out... even though the healthiest thing is to not be together. My heart aches.. and my brain is yelling at my heart saying.. You're stupid!!.. hes done nothing but hurt you!.. but i love him...
I honestly would like to hear what people have to say about this.. esp. an addict.. is this behavior common in someone who JUST relapsed... that they still lie.. or is he just this mean/much of a monster?? Is there hope he will change??
Hope everyone is enjoying their tuesday!..
the Gift "
I don't attend meetings, but do have some limited knowledge about the 12 step program. It is my understanding that men should seek support from other men, and women should seek support from other women. I'm sure there will always be exceptions, but it sounds like he might be making it the rule rather than the exception.
I attending a meeting once and there were all men there. That is a stroy of it's own, but I was a newcomer. A man gave me his card and said to call AFTER 24 hours had passed so that he could give me phone numbers of other women. Like he wanted to help, but only by putting me in contact with other women, not to do so himself.
If I am wrong, someone will correct me and explain it better. But, it sounds to me like he is "13th stepping." Isn't that what it's called?
Best wishes to you.
I attending a meeting once and there were all men there. That is a stroy of it's own, but I was a newcomer. A man gave me his card and said to call AFTER 24 hours had passed so that he could give me phone numbers of other women. Like he wanted to help, but only by putting me in contact with other women, not to do so himself.
If I am wrong, someone will correct me and explain it better. But, it sounds to me like he is "13th stepping." Isn't that what it's called?
Best wishes to you.
Yep, Atlas...that's sounds like the 13th step...Women work with women, and men work with men...I do have a couple men friends in the program that I e-mail and talk to but I share my inimate problems and details with the women in the program....For me, this is a miracle in itself as I never trusted women before and never thought I would actually bond & develop friendship with them....the program teaches us these little things...
Take care,
Stacey
Take care,
Stacey
is this behavior common in someone who JUST relapsed... that they still lie.. or is he just this mean/much of a monster?? Is there hope he will change??
Yes, we still lie. There's a saying in AA, something like, if you take a drunken horse thief and sober him up you have a sober horse thief. Just because someone stops abusing drugs and alcohol doesn't mean they magically turn into an upstanding citizen and pillar of the community. That's what the steps are for. That's where we find out where we need to change. There is always hope that an alkie/addict will change but they have to be willing to do the work. It doesn't happen by magic.
PS I think to do a 13th step you have to finish the first 12 <EG>
Yes, we still lie. There's a saying in AA, something like, if you take a drunken horse thief and sober him up you have a sober horse thief. Just because someone stops abusing drugs and alcohol doesn't mean they magically turn into an upstanding citizen and pillar of the community. That's what the steps are for. That's where we find out where we need to change. There is always hope that an alkie/addict will change but they have to be willing to do the work. It doesn't happen by magic.
PS I think to do a 13th step you have to finish the first 12 <EG>
Men from men
Women from women
exceptions:
Gay men and straight women....vica versa
Straight men and gay women.....vica versa
Women from women
exceptions:
Gay men and straight women....vica versa
Straight men and gay women.....vica versa
Well, I just called him.. thinking that maybe if i brought up the whole women with women and men with men thing.. it might help him realize that its not the healthiest thing. I think that I handled it the best way... well he didnt he starting getting upset and was saying that I was wrong and .. honestly.. it seems to me like he was trying to find any excuse to get angry with me (*saying that im talking about him behind his back on this website*) i quickly explained that im on this website to find out more about addiction and recovery and to get help for myself. he didnt want to hear.. the last thing he said to me was.. "your a piece of s***".. and i just hung up on him.. In my eyes I see this as him confirming that there is more to the story than he is saying... any suggestions/advice/comfirmations/disagrees??
I want to thank you ALLL for your help... I really appreciate the advice I get and PLEASE dont hold back.. I respect people who tell it like it is...
The Gift
I want to thank you ALLL for your help... I really appreciate the advice I get and PLEASE dont hold back.. I respect people who tell it like it is...
The Gift
My advice is for you to work on you...his recovery is his and I have learned that I cannot make anyone else sober nor keep them sober, the only thing I can do is work on myself and let God take care of the rest....
Take care,
Stacey
Take care,
Stacey
Gift? Not sure what your question is here...sounds like the two of you need to go your separate ways and find healing. If he is a recovering addict or alcoholic and you are with him...expect the unexpected.
Relationships are tricky even under the most "normal" circumstances. Throw a little addiction into the mix then you will be bound to have alot of unrest
You sound young and unmarried...in fact it sounds like you don't even cohabitate. Have you ever heard
If you love something set it free...
If it comes back it is yours....
If it doesnt...hunt it down and kill it.....lol...oops sorry
I mean if it doesnt...it never was...
Move on and work on you......hugs
Relationships are tricky even under the most "normal" circumstances. Throw a little addiction into the mix then you will be bound to have alot of unrest
You sound young and unmarried...in fact it sounds like you don't even cohabitate. Have you ever heard
If you love something set it free...
If it comes back it is yours....
If it doesnt...hunt it down and kill it.....lol...oops sorry
I mean if it doesnt...it never was...
Move on and work on you......hugs
If you love something set it free...
If it comes back it is yours....
If it doesnt...hunt it down and kill it.....lol...oops sorry
I mean if it doesnt...it never was...
priceless....LOL
If it comes back it is yours....
If it doesnt...hunt it down and kill it.....lol...oops sorry
I mean if it doesnt...it never was...
priceless....LOL
Sounds like this marriage is over. I'm sorry.
Do you go to alanon? Have you thought about it? Might help you understand what you're going through and it's nice to have that face to face support.
He'll figure out what works and what doesn't. Hopefully someone from the group will pull him aside and let him know. But that's up to him, not you.
Take care
Cowgirl
Do you go to alanon? Have you thought about it? Might help you understand what you're going through and it's nice to have that face to face support.
He'll figure out what works and what doesn't. Hopefully someone from the group will pull him aside and let him know. But that's up to him, not you.
Take care
Cowgirl
