Im losing it..im losing this damn fight...i cant even taper...cant seem to cut down...keep going up instead of down...what the hell is wrong with me ?? why do i all of a sudden want to do more now that i decided to do less ?? I am so disgusted with myself...i am so aggravated...and i am feeling so guilty because my wife thinks im getting better...and im NOT...Im thinking about the next time i will need to score...oh for the love ogf god...some support please...i was reading through the posts...someone said that they could always get to day 3 and that was it...well...i cant even get to day 1 it seems...apologies...im just angry at myself
Constantine, I dont normally post here the PP forum is where I post....But, I see you reaching out and wanted to tell you that you can fight this. I see the want and the desire, refocus, go back, reread old posts and use them to keep your mind on your recovery, not using...I find that so useful, it keeps my brainwaves busy, off using. I do hope it gets better, and you can refocus, you can do this, buddy, keep on tryin'...
Lucky
Try not to compare yourself with others, you are your own person, your own recovery, no two people do it exactly the same.
Lucky
Try not to compare yourself with others, you are your own person, your own recovery, no two people do it exactly the same.
Thanks Lucky...really...im totally sorry for even posting that...i mean i keep going round and round it seems...your advice to read the posts through was a good idea...someone said in one post " just creating drama to avoid the choices"...i mean...ya...and i dont want do that...i just cant seem to make up my mind...one minutes im like..i enjoy being where i am and then the next clear moment im like...in fear of where i am...im swinging like a ping pong latley..and all these good people here are offering so much...and ..thanks for saying not to measure myself against them...that was a help i think...im pretty slow in this....my pace is a snails pace right now...thanks
..Constantine..
..Maybe you saying to yaself that this is my last bag makes you wanna get as much in ya as ya can before ya stop if ya know wot im saying ?..today is always the last bag but thoughts always sound better than action..then ya probably get pissed off at yaself for not stopping when you say you will..and cos ya pissed at yaself that gives you the excuse to score again ?..addicts have used a million different reasons to cut down or stop altogether one day..but the next day them reasons are pushed to the back of ya mind and you find one reason to use ?..its not easy to stop using..it just is wot it is..only ya willpower will keep you off it..sumtimes cutting down is harder to get off gear than just stopping because your prolonging the addiction..but if its any help to ya i cut down to get off gear..i got down to 2 lines of brown for a couple weeks and then just stopped..i did get w/ds but not so bad..twas more the insomnia that drove me mad..but it did take me bout 3 years to get to that stage from a 50-60 quid habit a day to 2 lines a day ?..but whichever way you decide to stop i bid ya good luck ;)..Robbie..
..Maybe you saying to yaself that this is my last bag makes you wanna get as much in ya as ya can before ya stop if ya know wot im saying ?..today is always the last bag but thoughts always sound better than action..then ya probably get pissed off at yaself for not stopping when you say you will..and cos ya pissed at yaself that gives you the excuse to score again ?..addicts have used a million different reasons to cut down or stop altogether one day..but the next day them reasons are pushed to the back of ya mind and you find one reason to use ?..its not easy to stop using..it just is wot it is..only ya willpower will keep you off it..sumtimes cutting down is harder to get off gear than just stopping because your prolonging the addiction..but if its any help to ya i cut down to get off gear..i got down to 2 lines of brown for a couple weeks and then just stopped..i did get w/ds but not so bad..twas more the insomnia that drove me mad..but it did take me bout 3 years to get to that stage from a 50-60 quid habit a day to 2 lines a day ?..but whichever way you decide to stop i bid ya good luck ;)..Robbie..
You only lose the battle when you stop fighting, or refuse to fight it to begin with
Sadly all the kings horses and all the kings men cant put you back together again
BUT, you can
You story so touched me, your picture ( yes I saw it )what a beautiful woman you areas your eyes shine lostJust lost
I dont know how aware you are of the fact that you are fighting two fights here, one with yourself and the drugs, and one with watching the same thingyour partner and her abuse of alcoholwhich isnt the only thing she abusescause she hurts you, more then just with what you see as her hurting herself.
Something has to give here for you
Maybe more of you have to find a way to give to you, the simple giftsthe gift of life, the gift of lovejust to yourself as nothing much will ever make sense, nothing will end any of the confusion you seem to have unless you take care of and put just you first.
You dont have to do this aloneremember it is ok to ask for help, more gifts to oneself.
Is there a way you can go away into some sort of detox, then on to rehab.
Do you have a doctor you trust that you can talk to and find out what your options are, all your options as there are manyfrom outpatient, to getting a good addiction psychologist, to just simply comfort meds to make a home kick more tolerable
Remember not to lie to yourself, remember to never give up on you.
You can do this, you canbelieve in yourself, believe you are worth it all, because you are worth a most wonderful life
Sending hugs,
Love,
Tina
Sadly all the kings horses and all the kings men cant put you back together again
BUT, you can
You story so touched me, your picture ( yes I saw it )what a beautiful woman you areas your eyes shine lostJust lost
I dont know how aware you are of the fact that you are fighting two fights here, one with yourself and the drugs, and one with watching the same thingyour partner and her abuse of alcoholwhich isnt the only thing she abusescause she hurts you, more then just with what you see as her hurting herself.
Something has to give here for you
Maybe more of you have to find a way to give to you, the simple giftsthe gift of life, the gift of lovejust to yourself as nothing much will ever make sense, nothing will end any of the confusion you seem to have unless you take care of and put just you first.
You dont have to do this aloneremember it is ok to ask for help, more gifts to oneself.
Is there a way you can go away into some sort of detox, then on to rehab.
Do you have a doctor you trust that you can talk to and find out what your options are, all your options as there are manyfrom outpatient, to getting a good addiction psychologist, to just simply comfort meds to make a home kick more tolerable
Remember not to lie to yourself, remember to never give up on you.
You can do this, you canbelieve in yourself, believe you are worth it all, because you are worth a most wonderful life
Sending hugs,
Love,
Tina
Robbie..thanks so much for the inspiration
Tina...i had to leave the room cuz i couldnt stop crying....i have no words for how powerful that post was to me...i thank yoou from the bottom of my heart
Tina...i had to leave the room cuz i couldnt stop crying....i have no words for how powerful that post was to me...i thank yoou from the bottom of my heart
Con, no words after what Tina has said.
She's a wise lady isn't she?
You're not giving up!
She's a wise lady isn't she?
You're not giving up!
Con, Keep the faith, you can do it girl!!!
| QUOTE |
| Im Losing The Battle |
....BUT you can when the war! All the best to you!
I read something like what zerogirl is going through...what Martin, Bryn, Eckie...EVERYONE here is going through and I have to stare with wonder at my own selfishness...ya...im losing this battle...but your right...i aint lost the war yet...not yet. Love and Hugs to everyone...without you all i would have given up months ago...i spoke with my doctor a bit back...he knows the deal...im going back and im going to get some options...rock on
Success is not final, failure is not fatal, what counts is the courage to continue.
- Winston Chuchill, alcoholic.
Thinking of you.
- Winston Chuchill, alcoholic.
Thinking of you.
Stop beating yourself up--you are always apologizing (I do it too) for needing help or letting thoughts out of your head--thats why we are all here! I know there seems to be alot of things that will hold you back from wanting to go to detox or go to rehab--but none of those things-i.e. relationships, $, family, ect.. is going to get better unless you are healthy enough to really deal and bestable--and everone aroung will just continue toeither enable or disable your recovery, because thats how we like it when we are using--you are learning so much and we can all see you are on the brink--but its all about the ACTION--i have a card on my fridge with that word on it and it helps me--without action nothing happens--your treading water--go to treatment or at least a few AA/NA meeting you can do it but its a whole lot easier if you ave people who want to help that know about addiction and dont have resentments towards you--will be looking forward to hearing more about your recovery--and stop being so hard on yourself!!
constantine, how are you doing today? I to am from the pain pill board. Your first post broke my heart, I can't even count the days I felt the same exact way. Do you have any support? would you go to detox or can you go? I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you get this piece of sh*t monkey off your back. hang in there, your worth it.
K, where are ya today?
Not trying to bug ya just thinking of you.
Yo, ya got Amity bossing ya around...........that's HUGE.........LOL.....this can mean only one thing..............you're gonna get better.
Amity I am just messing with ya, but so Con knows we're in her corner that was a good post.
Yes, and never apologize to us over here, Con...........YOU are important.......your trials are important..........I seriously think all us heroin addicts are "Sorry" people..............we never think it's alright for us to complain.......except of course when we need our dope...........you are worthy, Con............and we care.
Hope you are alright today!
Not trying to bug ya just thinking of you.
Yo, ya got Amity bossing ya around...........that's HUGE.........LOL.....this can mean only one thing..............you're gonna get better.
Amity I am just messing with ya, but so Con knows we're in her corner that was a good post.
Yes, and never apologize to us over here, Con...........YOU are important.......your trials are important..........I seriously think all us heroin addicts are "Sorry" people..............we never think it's alright for us to complain.......except of course when we need our dope...........you are worthy, Con............and we care.
Hope you are alright today!
Amity...kick my butt anytime...your more than right....and im hearing you...im hearing everyone...and i feel better today...stronger...you were there...all of you...and it helped...to know your there...its a concept im not familiar with and i am in wonder over it...i know your there...and in that small gift i feel stronger...and im finding it just that easier to keep moving...to stand a little straighter...to make little decsions that 2 months ago i couldnt have made...Im working it...action...not just thinking it...dealing with it and not running from it...
Edit: what im doing: 1. Im looking for a new job..not just half heartedly...whole heartedly...i have to get out of this place. 2. Im being honest at home...im trying to not to hide or lie or cover stuff up...and im calling her on it too...not in a aggresive way...in a way thats hopefully thoughtful. 3. Im waiting out every day just a little longer before i pick up the DOC...and 4. im trying to work through the reasons, the craziness and the past so i can get through somehow to the future...i get stuck a bit in this one and sometimes i need a lot of time to get through one memory...im trying to let it go..a lot of it....
I wanted to tell you all that because i want you all to know that im trying...and not whining..ok...well...sometimes im whining...its true...but im trying...and thats what i want to say...and that all your support isnt wasted and is appreciated more than my words can say...
Edit: what im doing: 1. Im looking for a new job..not just half heartedly...whole heartedly...i have to get out of this place. 2. Im being honest at home...im trying to not to hide or lie or cover stuff up...and im calling her on it too...not in a aggresive way...in a way thats hopefully thoughtful. 3. Im waiting out every day just a little longer before i pick up the DOC...and 4. im trying to work through the reasons, the craziness and the past so i can get through somehow to the future...i get stuck a bit in this one and sometimes i need a lot of time to get through one memory...im trying to let it go..a lot of it....
I wanted to tell you all that because i want you all to know that im trying...and not whining..ok...well...sometimes im whining...its true...but im trying...and thats what i want to say...and that all your support isnt wasted and is appreciated more than my words can say...
Hey Con, I ain't preaching coz I've been there myself. Kept on "trying". Kept on failing. Bottom line. I hadn't had enough yet. I still wanted heroin. thought I'd be miserable without it. Before you move on you've got to reconcile, come to terms with your addiction. For me, I said, yep, I've enjoyed my drugs, had a great time, a big adventure, one hell of a trip, but now it's getting in the way, so can it, time for the next big adventure, or I'll still be sitting here whining like a b**** in ten years time. That thought, the next big adventure, was my focus, my motivation. You need to have that before you can kiss it goodbye.
Hope you find your motivation.
love
Diff x
Hope you find your motivation.
love
Diff x
Hey Diff, thats the truth. came on all feelin strong and righteous yesterday and its 18 hours later and i aint feelin all that cool anymore...maxbe there is still a part of me that dosent want to live without it yet and thats why i keep failing...thanks for making me look at that...
Haven't posted in a while, (been hitting the books hard at school), I still check in from time to time though. And Constantine's post kinda brought back some memories.
All I can tell ya is cutting back never worked for me either. I finally hit rock bottom for the umpteenth time & realized that if I didn't give up everything & I mean everything (people, places & things) I wasn't going to be long for this world. In spite of all the bad and evil things that I've done, I always new that there was a better person inside. FEAR of pretty much everything kept me down.
I'm 27 months clean, and although my addiction will always be apart of me, I'm finally starting to fill like it's really truly behind me.
In the beginning you have to let go of a lot. And thats really. really scary, but after a certain amount of time, you start to realize that what you had to give up, wasn't really worth hanging onto in the first place.
It's always darkest before the dawn, but we do have a brighter future if were honest with ourselves, put away the bad things and strive for something better.
Here's to ya Constantine, may your future be brighter.
With Love ZEKK
All I can tell ya is cutting back never worked for me either. I finally hit rock bottom for the umpteenth time & realized that if I didn't give up everything & I mean everything (people, places & things) I wasn't going to be long for this world. In spite of all the bad and evil things that I've done, I always new that there was a better person inside. FEAR of pretty much everything kept me down.
I'm 27 months clean, and although my addiction will always be apart of me, I'm finally starting to fill like it's really truly behind me.
In the beginning you have to let go of a lot. And thats really. really scary, but after a certain amount of time, you start to realize that what you had to give up, wasn't really worth hanging onto in the first place.
It's always darkest before the dawn, but we do have a brighter future if were honest with ourselves, put away the bad things and strive for something better.
Here's to ya Constantine, may your future be brighter.
With Love ZEKK
con,
please forgive me,i thought u were a woman,then i thought its a man,now i dont know what the f*** u r.dont matter none though coz ave found u to b a super dude to klash with.(call ye dude)con i would be tellin lies if i said ive read evrybodies reply,s coz ive not but can i ask u what u r going to use to detox?im now about a day or two away from getting the head down and gettin on wi it myself.i wish i could be with u for the 1st week,then after that it would be down to willpower im affraid.some will say he,s talkin s***e but the truth is we can all do this,it,s stayin off we have the problem.ive found a place to stay but dont think i will get connection for my laptop,and please dont anyone say your local library as who the hell wants to run away up there everytime something u want to write about comes into your head.someonementioned na or aa,i thought it was great,but only when i was clean and u can go give each other a pat on the back on a daily basis instead of waiting a week or two on a drug counsellor.con,im here if u want a natter and if u want my e-mail address u r welcome to it.your mate,,,eck,,,no surrender....
please forgive me,i thought u were a woman,then i thought its a man,now i dont know what the f*** u r.dont matter none though coz ave found u to b a super dude to klash with.(call ye dude)con i would be tellin lies if i said ive read evrybodies reply,s coz ive not but can i ask u what u r going to use to detox?im now about a day or two away from getting the head down and gettin on wi it myself.i wish i could be with u for the 1st week,then after that it would be down to willpower im affraid.some will say he,s talkin s***e but the truth is we can all do this,it,s stayin off we have the problem.ive found a place to stay but dont think i will get connection for my laptop,and please dont anyone say your local library as who the hell wants to run away up there everytime something u want to write about comes into your head.someonementioned na or aa,i thought it was great,but only when i was clean and u can go give each other a pat on the back on a daily basis instead of waiting a week or two on a drug counsellor.con,im here if u want a natter and if u want my e-mail address u r welcome to it.your mate,,,eck,,,no surrender....
Hey Eckie...good Sunday to ya ...your post made me laugh :) im a dude ette..dont mean to confuse anyone...at least on that topic id have to say im NOT confused Ha Ha :)...im totally female...its just after 17 years with the same partner i reserve the right to call her my wife...LOL....anyways...ive got some paracatamol codien for the aches, some aw...what the heck ya call it..bute..something or else for the stomach cramps...but thats about all i got as far as home detox...hotwater bottle and plenty of patience....prob is i got about a half g left of the ugly and im getting ansty all ready about being out...no lies to myself or you...sounds as if your ready dude...your right...making it thru the detox is one thng...staying the hell off it is another....strength dude...to ya for ya...keep warm...that always seem to help me...asides from the sweats that is...if im hearing ya your over here in europe with me so paracetamol codien is available...my doctor gave me 500mg...not saying to swicth addictions but for some reason they always seem to help during the WDs...albeit...not a whole hell of a lot when they really set in...nothng to help there but time...you got someone to help you...buddy over there you can call ? dont know the size of your habit but if its up there you know it might be a good idea to have someone standing by...ive never had the halucinations all that bad...more like a fever thing with me so dont know...thats prob the s*** that scares me the most about WDs...the head thing....thank god it dosnt last all that long.....go Eck !! sending ya strength !!!!! write as soon as your able...!!!!!
Zekk...I know...its true...its true...
Zekk...I know...its true...its true...
