hi all,
i really dont know where to start.i have been isolated without a single soul in my life for 3 years,and forgot how to talk!!to cut a very abusive unhappy depressed life short,i became addicted to speed.the last 3 years have been the worst with being alone.i so desperately want to come of speed,but i cant do it alone.i cant go for outside help through fear and shame.i have 3 kids which i live for,they dont know anything i hide it very well,and my biggest fear is my kids getting taken of me.my eldest is of age 19 then my other two 13 and 11.my sister had her kids taken away from her through domestic violence by her fella.it ripped me apart.i am a very emotional person.(i dont see her anymore).please dont tell me to seek professional help cos i would could never do it until the kids where of age that i felt safe.i dont trust many people in my life through abuse and other things so i just no i couldnt do it.
i know i can beat this addiction,cos ive done it b4 for a year but then things happened which i felt i couldnt cope.there father is hardly around and never has kids overnite.i just need sum motivation,advice,dos and donts and sum one to listen.i have searched for a site like this for months on pc,with being new to pcs failed everytime.
where do i start,how and when.im scared of the after bit when all i wanna do is sleep,is there anything i can do to give me that motivation to give up and stay off this drug.i dont take loads every day about 5 -10 pounds a day.wow that is alot when i look at i t.i have no life at all and im so unhappy with wot im doing.
please some one help me,talk to me .all i do is cry.im desperate.thanks; moe1712 xx
Hey Moe, welcome to the board.
I'm not sure how you are going to get off of this without the help of someone from the outside helping you.
I don't really have any info to give you, just to let you know that I am here if you want to talk.
I will help you through this as best I can.
I am hoping that some of the others on the board will be able to help you do this on your own (with no outside help).
Keep posting, admitting the problem is the first massive step.\
Take care.
Karen
I'm not sure how you are going to get off of this without the help of someone from the outside helping you.
I don't really have any info to give you, just to let you know that I am here if you want to talk.
I will help you through this as best I can.
I am hoping that some of the others on the board will be able to help you do this on your own (with no outside help).
Keep posting, admitting the problem is the first massive step.\
Take care.
Karen
if you want some insight into my journey, i just bumped up my Rehab Diary, it's on the pain pills board, but I am an IV cocaine addict...my name back then was Bumpnbad
If you need some questions answered just ask...
If you need some questions answered just ask...
Might want to consider that addiction is a disease. Usually, addiction takes a power greater than ourselves in order to function. When you mention you were clean for a year, but,,, things happened. You may have to hit bottom to understand that we are powerless over this disease. The steps in N.A. help us to unravel all the things that have happened in our lives to enable us to stay clean one day at a time. I know you don't want to hear it. Which we all want to do it our way. Well, our way got us right where we are or were. My best thinking got me broke, addicted, divorced, etc. etc. Until I became willing to accept the fact that I was an addict and had a disease was I able to come out of my ego which was pulling me down. I always thought I just need a good book, or diet, or someone to understand or get in shape, or etc. etc.or that I would be able to use my inteligence to overcome it. Not ! Until I accepted the fact that I was powerless over this disease did I begin to heal. Almost all N.A. meetings are full of people like me and you that thought we could do it our way. If you can then that will be great. But, you will be lucky if you are able if you are an addict.
Hate to put it so bluntly and don't mean to rattle you but this is the most important thing in your life. All those things won't matter if you continue with the same behavior. Our soberity has to come first, all the other things will fall into place once we get clean and working a program. Of course we have to be ready, so I would suggest just keep coming back to the board for some talk in understanding this disease addiction. Hang in there and know that there are millions of people that have been where you are and you can get through it.
Hate to put it so bluntly and don't mean to rattle you but this is the most important thing in your life. All those things won't matter if you continue with the same behavior. Our soberity has to come first, all the other things will fall into place once we get clean and working a program. Of course we have to be ready, so I would suggest just keep coming back to the board for some talk in understanding this disease addiction. Hang in there and know that there are millions of people that have been where you are and you can get through it.
Welcome to the board just wanted to tell you that as long as you are breathing there is hope for you and the first step is asking for help I am a heroin/pill addict but we are all the same have you ever considered NA?It is anonymous would you consider that? How did you stop before?
hey hi,
thanks to all thats replyed to my mail.it was comforting to read.i no im not totally alone and i think as long as i can talk on furums i wont sink any deeper.the last time i came clean for 12 months.i decided to do it one day cos i was always feeling like crap,so i just stopped and stayed off 12 months.it was hard real hard,but it was easier than the unhappiness and torture i was putting upon myself when using.i also had a friend who helped me throu.i have no life at all at moment.i stay in constantly.go out on tues for weeks shoppin and to pay bills,and thats it.so therefore i get real lonely and lost at times.sometimes to,i feel like im not quite there,like a numb feeling,like the world is going on around me but im in the background listening or not listening.i feel like i have so many issues that need attention,ive got lost and cant find my way back.the thought of the first couple months recovery is overwhelming im so scared.
moe xx
thanks to all thats replyed to my mail.it was comforting to read.i no im not totally alone and i think as long as i can talk on furums i wont sink any deeper.the last time i came clean for 12 months.i decided to do it one day cos i was always feeling like crap,so i just stopped and stayed off 12 months.it was hard real hard,but it was easier than the unhappiness and torture i was putting upon myself when using.i also had a friend who helped me throu.i have no life at all at moment.i stay in constantly.go out on tues for weeks shoppin and to pay bills,and thats it.so therefore i get real lonely and lost at times.sometimes to,i feel like im not quite there,like a numb feeling,like the world is going on around me but im in the background listening or not listening.i feel like i have so many issues that need attention,ive got lost and cant find my way back.the thought of the first couple months recovery is overwhelming im so scared.
moe xx
that last mess sent was from moe1712 to all. xx
I just wanted to say that your story sounds almost exactly the same as mine, but with some changes. I have been on this site several times. I like to read and learn more about addiction. I have been an addict for 32years. I believe we are born with it and it is our choice to do or not to do. Well, I did. Alot. So if you want to talk or if you want to listen to me ramble on about the disaster I have turned my life into and struggle with change daily. I would love to listen. I too have three children, ages 13, 11 and 9. All girls and all have seen me go through my life like a recking ball in a glass house with no one else's feelings in consideration. I think that we need support and at some point our familys cant give us something they don't believe in. I can be the non judging, have nothing to gain and I don't want anything from you except to be someone who understands and hopefully we can be of some help to one another. My email is tamara0504@yahoo.com.
I know just how you feel. Going through the same thing myself. These forums are really supportive. Helped me last time stay clean for a year. Then I guess life got busy and I stopped posting. And then I was right back where I was before. You have my support. Hang in there we can both do it. Remember tomorrow is another day and we can make it another clean day.
hi tam,
i tryed to email you but it wouldnt go through.so i thought id send you on here.hope your still about.
sorry i took so long to get back to you,my pc has been down.had to get someone out to repair it.
was happy to see yr post,it cheered me up,knowing someone wants to really listen to me,who dosent know me,and more so experiencing the same addiction,pain,and guilt.
how are you today?and have you used today? i have!!! and i hate myself for it,i tear myself up inside with shame and guilt.i so hate me,and what im doing.tam,i seem to have been taking a little more than usual lately and its really worrying me and scaring me.i stayed of it for 2 days this week.felt ok just tired,then chores,and errons needed doing,which overwhelmed me ,and so ,i took speed again after the two days.i feel so low,unhappy and stuck in my life,but refuse to seek outside help,due to intense fear of being judged,and my kids becoming involved,guilt,shame.and hate for myself.i cry constantly,i just want sum one to listen.why do i constantly torture my mind?"well i suppose its the way i was led to believe as growing up."i need to know how to stop thinking so negative and let go of my guilt.i have no motivation at all,i have to push throu, as little as i can at times.i am so lonely, i seriously think i am forgeting how to communicate.i thankyou for being a friend,my one and only friend!and i really do appreciate your support.sorry for rambling on.please tell me a little bout yrself.
hope to hear from u soon. luv moe xx
i tryed to email you but it wouldnt go through.so i thought id send you on here.hope your still about.
sorry i took so long to get back to you,my pc has been down.had to get someone out to repair it.
was happy to see yr post,it cheered me up,knowing someone wants to really listen to me,who dosent know me,and more so experiencing the same addiction,pain,and guilt.
how are you today?and have you used today? i have!!! and i hate myself for it,i tear myself up inside with shame and guilt.i so hate me,and what im doing.tam,i seem to have been taking a little more than usual lately and its really worrying me and scaring me.i stayed of it for 2 days this week.felt ok just tired,then chores,and errons needed doing,which overwhelmed me ,and so ,i took speed again after the two days.i feel so low,unhappy and stuck in my life,but refuse to seek outside help,due to intense fear of being judged,and my kids becoming involved,guilt,shame.and hate for myself.i cry constantly,i just want sum one to listen.why do i constantly torture my mind?"well i suppose its the way i was led to believe as growing up."i need to know how to stop thinking so negative and let go of my guilt.i have no motivation at all,i have to push throu, as little as i can at times.i am so lonely, i seriously think i am forgeting how to communicate.i thankyou for being a friend,my one and only friend!and i really do appreciate your support.sorry for rambling on.please tell me a little bout yrself.
hope to hear from u soon. luv moe xx
I haven't been doing good and I am back in the vicious circle I was in b4. I had previously sought out help from a Pastor thinking it was all good. He always listened to me and when he met w/me always had his daughter with him, which I felt was a cool thing to do, for my own security as well as to cover his own a**. Well, he called on turkey day and I was not home, they told him I was at the store ( still only thinking good of the man in the "robe") he came up to the store and he hugged me as he had done b4. I started talking to him getting it all off my chest crying and wanting some honest answers or opinions he then hugged me and said "I am so horney, please make love to me" like it was so easy to ask. Knowing all of the sh** in my past. He knew it all. And still asked me like he thought I would without any hesitation. I just looked at him with a different kind of opinion of him and told him that I didn't want to "make love to anyone right now" and I got outta there quick. Now I know that all people suck, even the ones who you think are good are really only out to fullfill their own needs and not to genuinely help. Kind of sucks, no I mean it really sucks. I don't have any girlfriends cuz the ones I had in the past where my "bestfriends" and then when I would turn my back they would f*** my man and then smile as they where putting their clothes on. Every single time I let my guard down, and thought maybe this one might be a true friend I was let down again. And guys just want to get in your pants it is up to you if you want to give in for whatever reason we feel good at that time and then they don't talk to us again cuz of the wh**** we are. Then the family. That is a great big pile of disfunction all by itself. All of them having an addiction problem but they are "in control of it" NOT!!! All of them trashing me and telling secrets as well as adding their own details as they saw fit.
I hate myself and hate what I have done to my kids. And yet I dont know how to get the strength and walk away. I know what I need to do but I can't or don't stick to it. I don't have purpose and so just want to die, but not, because of my kids. i think you know how I feel. today I got high in the morning and will through out the night. Avoiding the promises I made to others previously.
Haten myself more every day. Hope you are holding your head up and just at least smile in the morning every day and hope it will be better than the day b4. I live in Missouri, what part of the US might you live in. Write me as soon as you can, I wil be online off and on. Try my email again it is tamara0504@yahoo.com
I hate myself and hate what I have done to my kids. And yet I dont know how to get the strength and walk away. I know what I need to do but I can't or don't stick to it. I don't have purpose and so just want to die, but not, because of my kids. i think you know how I feel. today I got high in the morning and will through out the night. Avoiding the promises I made to others previously.
Haten myself more every day. Hope you are holding your head up and just at least smile in the morning every day and hope it will be better than the day b4. I live in Missouri, what part of the US might you live in. Write me as soon as you can, I wil be online off and on. Try my email again it is tamara0504@yahoo.com
moe,
I just wantd u to know that no matter what you think or feel, U R NOT ALONE!!!
I am new to this site as well, tonight actually.I am now 83 days clean from meth. Meth is a horrible and very nasty thing.I wish it would have never been created, but unfortunatly it was.I am still battling the cravings, but one day at a time i guess, right? THat is one of the hardest things i have had to learn cuz i am a person that if i want something or to do something i want it now, but this isnt a magicle thing at all. It is very scary.I am responding because i know how it feels to be afraid and feel alone. I feel that way often.I am now looking for friends that are able to understand what im going through or have been here and made it through.I was hoping that me and you could start talking( at least through here) and be friends. i know how confusing this all is.I think the hardest part of me quitting is having to cut myself off from a family member who makes the stuff. and now i am facing possibly having to cut my own mother off as well because she is a user and refuses to stop at this time in her life. what am i to do about that, i dunno, cuz i can only change me and my life and thats hard enough, ya know. I am quitting for me and my kids as well. i have tried to stop many times b4 as well, but this is the longest, and i know that i am done this time no matter what, at least i hope anyways.anyways ill stop babbling now, just wanted to say hi and tell u my story to, hope it helped u some.
~amber~
I just wantd u to know that no matter what you think or feel, U R NOT ALONE!!!
I am new to this site as well, tonight actually.I am now 83 days clean from meth. Meth is a horrible and very nasty thing.I wish it would have never been created, but unfortunatly it was.I am still battling the cravings, but one day at a time i guess, right? THat is one of the hardest things i have had to learn cuz i am a person that if i want something or to do something i want it now, but this isnt a magicle thing at all. It is very scary.I am responding because i know how it feels to be afraid and feel alone. I feel that way often.I am now looking for friends that are able to understand what im going through or have been here and made it through.I was hoping that me and you could start talking( at least through here) and be friends. i know how confusing this all is.I think the hardest part of me quitting is having to cut myself off from a family member who makes the stuff. and now i am facing possibly having to cut my own mother off as well because she is a user and refuses to stop at this time in her life. what am i to do about that, i dunno, cuz i can only change me and my life and thats hard enough, ya know. I am quitting for me and my kids as well. i have tried to stop many times b4 as well, but this is the longest, and i know that i am done this time no matter what, at least i hope anyways.anyways ill stop babbling now, just wanted to say hi and tell u my story to, hope it helped u some.
~amber~
tamara
hey hi,
sorry ive took so long to reply,my pc has been playing up a little.just
a little note to tell you,i will be writing you and sending it to your email address.
hope you feel a little better. thinking of you.
luv moexx
hey hi,
sorry ive took so long to reply,my pc has been playing up a little.just
a little note to tell you,i will be writing you and sending it to your email address.
hope you feel a little better. thinking of you.
luv moexx
jahnmber
hi there,
first i would like to welcome you to this site. thanks also for being there,sometimes its real hard to accept other people do care,when your nearest and dearest dont!! congratulations on your 83 day clean.i no what you mean when you say you want everything now,inpatience has always been an issue
in my life,thats what im afraid of the inpatient feelings and frustrations im yet to feel when ive come clean.i know whats coming and all the feelings and emotions
and i just want it to be over,like now! since ive been isolated,i feel some of my negative behaviour has worsened,i so need to talk to people,but im really scared ,terrified even, to go out and get it.i feel so alone sometimes its hard for me to concentrate on anything.i feel my mood swings have worsened to,very snappy and irratable.i really do feel unhappy with my life nothing at all excites me anymore.i also have quit a couple times b4,last was for about a year then about 10 months ago life got hard for me again,as i yet lost another person i cared about,my son was diagnosed with ocd,and dyslexia,he also got excluded from school for 6 months as his school didnt know how to deal with his ocd,i had to fight real hard for education and to return him to school,they are just 3 out of the 5 things that has bothered me over last year.
i would love to become your friend and have a chat and maybe help each other.i really do need friends at this time in my life.thanks for listening,hope to hear from you soon.take care and keep the good work up."well done".
luv moe xx
hi there,
first i would like to welcome you to this site. thanks also for being there,sometimes its real hard to accept other people do care,when your nearest and dearest dont!! congratulations on your 83 day clean.i no what you mean when you say you want everything now,inpatience has always been an issue
in my life,thats what im afraid of the inpatient feelings and frustrations im yet to feel when ive come clean.i know whats coming and all the feelings and emotions
and i just want it to be over,like now! since ive been isolated,i feel some of my negative behaviour has worsened,i so need to talk to people,but im really scared ,terrified even, to go out and get it.i feel so alone sometimes its hard for me to concentrate on anything.i feel my mood swings have worsened to,very snappy and irratable.i really do feel unhappy with my life nothing at all excites me anymore.i also have quit a couple times b4,last was for about a year then about 10 months ago life got hard for me again,as i yet lost another person i cared about,my son was diagnosed with ocd,and dyslexia,he also got excluded from school for 6 months as his school didnt know how to deal with his ocd,i had to fight real hard for education and to return him to school,they are just 3 out of the 5 things that has bothered me over last year.
i would love to become your friend and have a chat and maybe help each other.i really do need friends at this time in my life.thanks for listening,hope to hear from you soon.take care and keep the good work up."well done".
luv moe xx
Moe im here!!!
im a friend to anyone that needs one. never turn my back on anyone, especaily those in need. Thanks for the cograts. today i am 91 days and last night i threw away all my using devices.it felt so good. i too have stopped using before. i just know this time its for real. I know how u feel about relapsing. it sucks and makes u feel bad and s***ty. thats when u have to remember the things that matter most to u and try to keep busy and not think about it.I know that sounds simple huh? well its not. and getting clean IS NOT EASY AT ALL EITHER. i know all about the mood swings, i still have them of and on, and the patience, haha whats that? lol just kidding. but i do understand. I am still working very hard on staying clean. so far so good. its hard cuz my mom is not at the point in her life where she is ready to stop using and get clean yet so when i talk to her and tell her about me being clean she always asks me" do u think ur better than me now cuz u quit"? thats so hard. but i just say no and i love you mom and im still here for u and hang up. The fact is that i know im not better than anyone not at all. I know how it feels to use and how it feels not to. so i have been on both sides.And if i can help someone out when they need me, great im here for u. I'm a great listener ( reader in this case) so spill all u want. My boyfriend is also an ex drug councelor and user so if u need us we are here. Do you have yahoo messenger or msn messenger? or even an email? we can talk that way and stay in touch that way too. if not this works fine as well. it just takes a little more time,hehe. well im done rambling now. thanks for listening. and remember moe im here for u. try to stay strong and fight the triggers. i know its hard. when u feel the erge to use get on here and type till u cant no more. i check this all the time. i promise ill do my best to be here.
stay strong, u CAN do it,
im a friend to anyone that needs one. never turn my back on anyone, especaily those in need. Thanks for the cograts. today i am 91 days and last night i threw away all my using devices.it felt so good. i too have stopped using before. i just know this time its for real. I know how u feel about relapsing. it sucks and makes u feel bad and s***ty. thats when u have to remember the things that matter most to u and try to keep busy and not think about it.I know that sounds simple huh? well its not. and getting clean IS NOT EASY AT ALL EITHER. i know all about the mood swings, i still have them of and on, and the patience, haha whats that? lol just kidding. but i do understand. I am still working very hard on staying clean. so far so good. its hard cuz my mom is not at the point in her life where she is ready to stop using and get clean yet so when i talk to her and tell her about me being clean she always asks me" do u think ur better than me now cuz u quit"? thats so hard. but i just say no and i love you mom and im still here for u and hang up. The fact is that i know im not better than anyone not at all. I know how it feels to use and how it feels not to. so i have been on both sides.And if i can help someone out when they need me, great im here for u. I'm a great listener ( reader in this case) so spill all u want. My boyfriend is also an ex drug councelor and user so if u need us we are here. Do you have yahoo messenger or msn messenger? or even an email? we can talk that way and stay in touch that way too. if not this works fine as well. it just takes a little more time,hehe. well im done rambling now. thanks for listening. and remember moe im here for u. try to stay strong and fight the triggers. i know its hard. when u feel the erge to use get on here and type till u cant no more. i check this all the time. i promise ill do my best to be here.
stay strong, u CAN do it,
Moe,
i forgot to ask what ocd is? my son also has some problems, maybe i can help u there.
i forgot to ask what ocd is? my son also has some problems, maybe i can help u there.
You have to get some sort of counseling from a professional who is trained in dealing with addiction. You need this to recover. You have to open up to someone about your deepest darkest feelings so you can begin to move on. Do you have insurance? Do you need help finding someone? Let me know
hi jahnmber,
i want to thank you for listening to me and giving some good,wise advice.i have now joined smart recovery and soberrecovery and find them both helpful.i have been mentally preparing myself for my quit and recovery from speed and also been shopping for things to help me along the way.i suffer depression,have done most my life on and off,and i know it will hit me big time when i quit.i especially seem to suffer more depression in the winter months,so i have bought a light box,i also bought a detox program and plenty of vitamins,lavender oils,selfhelp books and soothing music cds including meditation.also magnets for my neck and back,which i use anyway.i also downloaded some useful advice,information and burned them onto a cd,so i have it almost on hand.i need to know what questions do and should i ask myself to help on my recovery program,and help keep me positive.i would love to talk to you on msn messenger very much.uber589@msn.com.
i know this is going to be real hard for me, especially with xmas round the corner, and knowing i will be alone, and feel even more alone.my parents have not even sent me a card, or my kids which is really hurting me at this moment.this time last year my mum decided to tell my kids, and remind me ,of the bad things my dad had done to me as a child.some things i had forgotten about.it really hurt, and my children knew nothing about the abuse, as i didnt want them knowing the bad times i suffered.this was all because, after all this time, i had decided to try and put things right with my dad, and things where going fine up until this point.now i cant even look at her or him for the damage they have done.i know she didnt mean it in a malliscious way ,but i kept, and kept asking her to stop ,and tell no more,. in front of my kids, but she just went on and did what she had to do anyway. without any respect for me and my wishes! i just feel so betrayed by both my parents when they where supposed to love and protect me.my mum always said she only ever wanted the two lads,my brothers, and well dad has always made it clear he never wanted me anyway, only my sister.there is so much to this story ,i wont bore you with the details,i personally believe this is were my problem with drugs came from.i have had plenty of help with psychologists to do with my childhood but nothing seems to work long term.i had even studyed my first year in psychology and passed my exam hoping i could understand more,well i did in a sort of way but never felt worthy enough to heal myself.i guess all i have ever dreamed about is my dad to tell me he loves me ,and i to see it in his eyes,but that has never happened.i know some would say he probably loves you deep down,but how can he, when he dosent even want to see my children.he has seen them about 10 times in there whole life,and they are aged 20,14, and 10.when he goes to see my sister and her kids, at her house every friday without fail.he has a car so there is no excuse.no one even rang my house when my 14 year old was in hospital with meningitis only 2 months ago,or when my son was kicked out of school for 6 months without education,when he was diagnosed with dyslexia and ocd.schools excuse was they didnt know how to deal with the ocd side,which i thought was very ignorant.this happened only this year too.i had to fight real hard for my son or he would of been still out of school today.he is now back at same school and has come on loads with his dyslexia,down to me giving him dedicated time to helping him read.he is only 2 stages behind now and i intend to carry on with him until hes confident enough to no longer need my help.his school are amazed on how much he has achieved in such little time,but i am disgusted the school never picked up on his dyslexia and gave him help.due to a few concerns i had, which i knew wernt right and a lot of pushing and fighting it was eventually diagnosed.my son now seems alot more confident with what he does and wants to do and most importantly he seems alot happier in himself,hes such a sensitive little chap,just like his mum, and god i love him so much. i hate the thought of him hurting inside,i can honestly feel his pain.i will fight with what i believe in with my sons educatuion,and i most certainly believe in him...
i have so much i wanna say,but i now feel over whelmed with hurt reading this letter back to myself,it some how seems to smack me straight in the mouth.i run and hide every time.
thanks again for listening and hope to hear from you soon.i would also like to wish you a very merry christmas.xx
luv moe1712 xx
i want to thank you for listening to me and giving some good,wise advice.i have now joined smart recovery and soberrecovery and find them both helpful.i have been mentally preparing myself for my quit and recovery from speed and also been shopping for things to help me along the way.i suffer depression,have done most my life on and off,and i know it will hit me big time when i quit.i especially seem to suffer more depression in the winter months,so i have bought a light box,i also bought a detox program and plenty of vitamins,lavender oils,selfhelp books and soothing music cds including meditation.also magnets for my neck and back,which i use anyway.i also downloaded some useful advice,information and burned them onto a cd,so i have it almost on hand.i need to know what questions do and should i ask myself to help on my recovery program,and help keep me positive.i would love to talk to you on msn messenger very much.uber589@msn.com.
i know this is going to be real hard for me, especially with xmas round the corner, and knowing i will be alone, and feel even more alone.my parents have not even sent me a card, or my kids which is really hurting me at this moment.this time last year my mum decided to tell my kids, and remind me ,of the bad things my dad had done to me as a child.some things i had forgotten about.it really hurt, and my children knew nothing about the abuse, as i didnt want them knowing the bad times i suffered.this was all because, after all this time, i had decided to try and put things right with my dad, and things where going fine up until this point.now i cant even look at her or him for the damage they have done.i know she didnt mean it in a malliscious way ,but i kept, and kept asking her to stop ,and tell no more,. in front of my kids, but she just went on and did what she had to do anyway. without any respect for me and my wishes! i just feel so betrayed by both my parents when they where supposed to love and protect me.my mum always said she only ever wanted the two lads,my brothers, and well dad has always made it clear he never wanted me anyway, only my sister.there is so much to this story ,i wont bore you with the details,i personally believe this is were my problem with drugs came from.i have had plenty of help with psychologists to do with my childhood but nothing seems to work long term.i had even studyed my first year in psychology and passed my exam hoping i could understand more,well i did in a sort of way but never felt worthy enough to heal myself.i guess all i have ever dreamed about is my dad to tell me he loves me ,and i to see it in his eyes,but that has never happened.i know some would say he probably loves you deep down,but how can he, when he dosent even want to see my children.he has seen them about 10 times in there whole life,and they are aged 20,14, and 10.when he goes to see my sister and her kids, at her house every friday without fail.he has a car so there is no excuse.no one even rang my house when my 14 year old was in hospital with meningitis only 2 months ago,or when my son was kicked out of school for 6 months without education,when he was diagnosed with dyslexia and ocd.schools excuse was they didnt know how to deal with the ocd side,which i thought was very ignorant.this happened only this year too.i had to fight real hard for my son or he would of been still out of school today.he is now back at same school and has come on loads with his dyslexia,down to me giving him dedicated time to helping him read.he is only 2 stages behind now and i intend to carry on with him until hes confident enough to no longer need my help.his school are amazed on how much he has achieved in such little time,but i am disgusted the school never picked up on his dyslexia and gave him help.due to a few concerns i had, which i knew wernt right and a lot of pushing and fighting it was eventually diagnosed.my son now seems alot more confident with what he does and wants to do and most importantly he seems alot happier in himself,hes such a sensitive little chap,just like his mum, and god i love him so much. i hate the thought of him hurting inside,i can honestly feel his pain.i will fight with what i believe in with my sons educatuion,and i most certainly believe in him...
i have so much i wanna say,but i now feel over whelmed with hurt reading this letter back to myself,it some how seems to smack me straight in the mouth.i run and hide every time.
thanks again for listening and hope to hear from you soon.i would also like to wish you a very merry christmas.xx
luv moe1712 xx
I toohave depression problems. I know a ton of people who have depression only in the winter time.this depression is also known as : SAD.. Seasonal Affective Disorder. Buying a light box was a smart idea. I should do that too. I have added u to my msn messenger list and hope to chat with u there soon. Im sorry to hear about your parents and what they did to u. Your mum had no right to do what she did and who knows why she did it. Im still sorry to hear that. I wish i could help you there. My boyfriend who is a former drug councelor says you have all the tools u need to start on you journey to recovery.Also says that the fact u realize u r an addict is step 1. So you have come this far u cant turn back now.When was the last time u used? Im sorry that the holidays are a hard time for you. they are for me as well. But i refuse to use.If you need me u can email me at: jahnmber@comcast.net. I check my email frequently even more so than i do the board. ,my msn name is:jahnmber@hotmail.com if u want to add me and talk to me there too. I have added u to my list. I am tired so i will stop rambling now and go to bed. hope to talk to u later.
STAY STRONG HUN!!!!
STAY STRONG HUN!!!!
Moe...
I have no experience with meth; however, one of my sibilings is a meth addict and if he had half the compassion you do, he would be better. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, myself. I also have bipolar and ADD, so it makes it doubly hard to stay clean, but I try to visualize a better place to be. I do still smoke pot, because I have Chron's disease. If you want my e-mail address I would be more than happy, but first give me yours, if that is okay. Take it from a fellow addict you are not alone.
My regards,
Blah
I have no experience with meth; however, one of my sibilings is a meth addict and if he had half the compassion you do, he would be better. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, myself. I also have bipolar and ADD, so it makes it doubly hard to stay clean, but I try to visualize a better place to be. I do still smoke pot, because I have Chron's disease. If you want my e-mail address I would be more than happy, but first give me yours, if that is okay. Take it from a fellow addict you are not alone.
My regards,
Blah
