We met, and I'm not joking a week later I knew I could spend the rest of my life with this man. Next thing I knew I was in a relationship with a recovering heroin addict. I'm a law graduate about to be a lawyer and he is 4 years younger than I am. Nevertheless, I have such love and kinship with him that I'm willing to stick it out and have kept the possibility of a relapse in the back of my head.
I need some help about what I should do and what to look for in order to help him along his journey to a clean, happy life. We looked at colleges last week and may move in together in the coming months. I'm not used to dating addicts and I'm in a profession where I cannot and will not allow any drugs into my home. I do know that if he relapsed, I would be extremely hurt but I know the key to a successful and happy recovery is to have a strong support system. I've told him I wouldn't leave and I'll always try my hardest to understand the drug, the recovery process, and provide a caring and loving home for us no matter what happens. Because let's be real, yelling or getting angry won't solve anything nor will it keep him from being secretive about the whole deal.
I keep encouraging him and telling him that he'll be great and that he'll make it into college, won't relapse so on so on. But at the same time, I'm being realistically optimistic by assuring him that we can work this through together if it happens though I do believe that he's got a lot going for him right now since we've been together (college process, job, and maybe a new place).
Another scary thing is he's going back to his hometown where he got addicted and will be there for about 2 weeks (with 8 days away at the beach with his family). We talked about it and I've even written him cheesy little "believe in yourself" reminders in his bag and jean pocket to look at if times gets hard and I told him I'd drive over if he needed me.
I'd be endlessly grateful to anyone who'd give me an opinion on our situation. I'm desperate and it's hard for us to talk about it still bc I'm scared of pushing but also scared that if he talks about it too much he'll get worse cravings :/ Thanks in advance!!
Recovery is a personal commitment the addict must make for himself, separate from what others set him up to do. Recovery takes work and must remain foremost in the addict's mind, regardless of what life throws at him, good or bad.
No amount of cheer-leading or support can make a person stay clean, unless he sees that this is a better way to live, even when times get tough. He must have learned and practiced strategies in place to lessen the chance of relapse. ("White-knuckling it" and not using does not work for very long.) This needs to come from within, not dependent on what others do for him by micro-managing his life for him.
The power to stay clean cannot be grafted onto an addict by the sheer force of will from others. This makes the addict dependent on someone else, rather than themselves. The responsibility of being sober should not be anything but the addict's task.
Loved ones think that by setting up situations where the addict feels no stress, has everything smoothed out for them, and is swaddled in protection and loving commitment, that relapse can be kept at bay. Sadly, this does not work.
Don't make his addiction the "elephant in the room" that everyone knows but is fearful to discuss. Just because you discuss this with him does not mean he will relapse. If this is true, then he is not in recovery if a simple conversation drives him over the edge.
He needs to be receiving some form of counseling or be working some kind of sober program. You are not equipped nor certified in this. By spending so much time trying to be a sober coach to him, you are not living your life. This is dangerous, because if he relapses, you run the risk of taking it personally.
An interesting website by psychologist Stanton Peele may offer insight into addiction and relapse. Also, groups like Alanon and Smart Recovery have information as well.
Just remember: you didn't cause his addiction and you can't cure it. Don't get lost in the process of worry and doubt. You and your own life goals shouldn't be ignored.
No amount of cheer-leading or support can make a person stay clean, unless he sees that this is a better way to live, even when times get tough. He must have learned and practiced strategies in place to lessen the chance of relapse. ("White-knuckling it" and not using does not work for very long.) This needs to come from within, not dependent on what others do for him by micro-managing his life for him.
The power to stay clean cannot be grafted onto an addict by the sheer force of will from others. This makes the addict dependent on someone else, rather than themselves. The responsibility of being sober should not be anything but the addict's task.
Loved ones think that by setting up situations where the addict feels no stress, has everything smoothed out for them, and is swaddled in protection and loving commitment, that relapse can be kept at bay. Sadly, this does not work.
Don't make his addiction the "elephant in the room" that everyone knows but is fearful to discuss. Just because you discuss this with him does not mean he will relapse. If this is true, then he is not in recovery if a simple conversation drives him over the edge.
He needs to be receiving some form of counseling or be working some kind of sober program. You are not equipped nor certified in this. By spending so much time trying to be a sober coach to him, you are not living your life. This is dangerous, because if he relapses, you run the risk of taking it personally.
An interesting website by psychologist Stanton Peele may offer insight into addiction and relapse. Also, groups like Alanon and Smart Recovery have information as well.
Just remember: you didn't cause his addiction and you can't cure it. Don't get lost in the process of worry and doubt. You and your own life goals shouldn't be ignored.
