This has been the most devastating, damaging, and heartbreaking experience in my entire life. I have been with my boyfriend for many many years, and we have a child together. I have been there for him through thick and thin, never left his side, always was his back bone, jumped when he needed me, etc. I have lived my life entirely with and for him. We have definitely experimented with some substances, but never anything hardcore. I do not even know when the chaos started, it seems like it has been going on forever and is never ending. All I know is that I was blinded by the unfortunate choices he made and was also completely in denial with what was transpiring right in front of me. I started to notice the depression, the isolation, the anger, the crying, the aggravation, the domestic violence, the verbal abuse that was beyond disrespectful, the loss of interest in everything, and most of all the nodding off. I did ask him several times, why are you falling asleep standing up, why are you nodding off on the couch, etc. Although, he worked the night shift and his excuse was always about his work hours and not getting enough sleep. Of course, a family member of his, who is held close and dear to his heart definitely noticed something was wrong with him. This family member confronted me and began to express that something was truly not right with him, and the word-HEROIN was mentioned. I opened my mouth so big and looked at this person as if he/she had two heads. Then, I would obviously defend my boyfriend and say how ludicrous that sounded. When the topic came up about his asthma and breathing problems, that is what I felt was the reason for all his symptoms that were occurring. Unfortunately, I was completely wrong. From there on after, I began to monitor him more closely, check his clothing, and basically be a spy. His behavior was so erratic and abnormal that I began to feel completely hopeless. One day, I went to the kitchen, and he was on the floor nodding off and making weird hacking, coughing noises. I kept repeating "What are you on, what did you take?" Of course,the response was to a bare minimum, until the explosion started. Somehow, someway, whatever was going on with him was because of ME. The very next day, I found heroin bags in his clothing, I counted them, left to the store, and came back. Three bags were missing, and at that very moment is when I lost my mind and yelled, screamed, cried at the top of my lungs. Although, the denial was completely evident and almost believable. Over the next few months, I became his pillow (enabler) without even knowing it or acknowledging it. I felt so alone, I felt completely vulnerable, I felt like my entire body and mind was deteriorating, etc. I kept envisioning that I would wake up and the love of my life would be back to normal. That obviously was not the case at all. This problem became worse and worse. I begged him to get treatment, I tried everything, I called every rehabilitation centers in the whole state. Finally, I got him a spot into a rehab. That didn't last too well because after 7 days he left the rehab. Then, I convinced him to turn himself into the authorities due to having warrants. He did less than 6 months in jail, promised me the world, but yet came out of jail, and it was the same cycle all over again, except this time, he was speed-balling (sniffing heroin and cocaine together). When he was in jail I was a wreck, when he didn't eat, I couldn't eat, when he didn't wear deodorant, I couldn't wear deodorant, when he brushed his teeth with his finger, I brushed my teeth with my finger, every chance I was able to visit, I was there, any money I had for his commissary was put it in the system, and of course from his family members as well. His support system was definitely in the forefront. He talked a good one while in jail, but came out and did the same stuff, but so much more heartbreaking to witness. Living with an addict while having a child present had to be one of the most idiotic decisions I ever made in my life. The mistakes that I did is truly unbearable to even think about all over again. I was so fixated on fixing him and being there for him, that I forgot about myself as well as our child. The damage that he put us through, all the craziness that our child watched is truly so depressing that I do not even know what I was thinking. Everyone was telling me to kick him out, call his parole officer, call the cops, etc. and I looked at everyone as if they did not have a heart in their bodies. Although, they were all right. I couldn't keep complaining and crying to them every time he was high, destroying things in our house, etc. My emotions were up and down, and I would get so angry at anyone who did not come to my rescue or his. In my mind I truly felt as though, the more people confronted him, the higher chance of him recovering. Although, I failed to realize that everyone else was affected by his poor decisions and were all entitled to deal with it as they pleased or felt was necessary, and that was STAYING AWAY. I honestly could not grasp that concept nor understand how family members would not confront him. To their defense, I completely understand now because his behavior was so bad, of course people felt as though they were in danger, and did not know what his reaction or response would be. Although, at that time when I couldn't comprehend other people's choices due to this situation, I was frustrated and lashed out on them to the maximum (which I deeply regret now). Bottom line is that I felt alone and did not have the answers to his madness nor did I have the ability to assist him because he does not still have the ability to help himself. He chose drugs over his family!!! Fast forward a little more, and his family and myself basically created our own intervention. We spoke to him, cried to him, wrote letters to him, confronted him, etc. and begged him to go get treatment. Luckily, for 13 days everyone was at peace because somehow he successfully completed the program. Sounds ridiculous right? Well, that's because he did not speak about heroin, he only mentioned alcohol, he did not show any significant signs of withdrawal symptoms and cooperated to the fullest with all the rules, regulations, meetings, etc. Once he came out, that very same day he was HIGH!! Moving forward a few more months, I started to feel more and more strong and powerful like I could conquer this disease for him, so I took another path. Instead of being nice, nurturing, and enabling, I became the complete opposite. I called the cops, kicked him out several times, etc. Although, even when I kicked him out, I would visit him at his friends house daily to bring him food, clean clothes, drinks, etc. After a few days, he was back in my house, and then the problem got REAL. I woke up one day and said to myself I CANNOT DO THIS ANY LONGER !!!!! I kicked him out about a week and a half ago. I changed completely because he was no longer able to be alone with our child nor take him anywhere, etc. Now this is where I feel the need to express and share my story...because I need to stay strong and not give in anymore. He contacted me that he is no longer able to stay at his friends house and needs a place to stay until he gets into another treatment. My response was "NO!" His reply was that I am not there for him and stated many other inappropriate things to me....Am I doing the right thing? Is letting him go the best option for him? Is waiting for him to hit rock bottom actually going to work? Or..am I going to regret this decision for the rest of my life if God Forbid he overdoses out there in the streets??? Am I pushing him to do more drugs simply because I can no longer have our child as well as myself in that type of environment?? Please respond and let me know your thoughts...thank you
Hi Devastated, It's awful how drugs affect us all. I'm sorry to read what you've been going through too. But you are doing the right thing! Not letting him back in to live with you and your child. It's the right thing and really the only sane thing you can do. A child shouldn't have to put up with this chaos. It's scary enough for us and must be a thousand folds more for them. Your a good mom protecting your child like you are and if you didn't who would? No one! Many kids end up being put in foster care. Your "other" needs to find his own way out of this lifestyle he's in. It's not up to you and your not responsible for him. You can't control this or cure it, only he can!! There are drugs in jails if they have the means to buy them. So maybe he was still using dope in jail. Also as a warning, you can contact Hep C through contact with blood, an open sore. He might not be using needles (maybe) but he can still get it from sharing straws, sharing razors,toothbrushes,tattoos,etc. Just be careful. Don't second guess doing what your doing by keeping him away. I'm the mother of an addict who's been waiting on my daughter stopping heroin, cocaine for 18 yrs now. Do you want this turmoil in your life this long? It's hard to walk away from someone when you love them and when you have a child to them but if you read on here, there's mothers just like you who have had to do just that to have any kind of a life. Read posts on here and they will help you like they've helped me. Also you should think about going to an Al-anon or Narc-anon meeting also. Remember your dealing with a person who is addicted, an addict! All he wants is drugs or money for drugs. Drugs is his life now until he decides differently and he's the one who has to make that decision because we can't do it for them. God bless D and take care. I wish you well. Mary
Mary,
Thank you so much for responding and giving me advice! I have never felt so depressed in my life and I know I am doing the right thing, but it still doesn't make my pain go away. I am constantly worrying about him, it is as if he has taken over my mind, my life, my sanity, my everything!! I do not want my child to keep being exposed to what is going on and honestly my child kind of suspects what is going on with his father! It's the most heartbreaking thing to deal with because I do not want to admit to my child that "yes your father is doing drugs." Needless to say, I am also in denial with that topic because I know my child has a very strong idea (10 years old) but I can't bring myself to speak about it!! Although he has WITNESSED soooooo much !!! Again, thank you so much for responding, when I was reading it, tears was coming down, it makes me feel better that I am not actually alone!
Thank you so much for responding and giving me advice! I have never felt so depressed in my life and I know I am doing the right thing, but it still doesn't make my pain go away. I am constantly worrying about him, it is as if he has taken over my mind, my life, my sanity, my everything!! I do not want my child to keep being exposed to what is going on and honestly my child kind of suspects what is going on with his father! It's the most heartbreaking thing to deal with because I do not want to admit to my child that "yes your father is doing drugs." Needless to say, I am also in denial with that topic because I know my child has a very strong idea (10 years old) but I can't bring myself to speak about it!! Although he has WITNESSED soooooo much !!! Again, thank you so much for responding, when I was reading it, tears was coming down, it makes me feel better that I am not actually alone!
Mary,
I do not think he is at the stage with needles, but thank you for telling me about the Hep C info.
Also, I am terribly sorry to hear about your situation !! I can't even imagine what your feeling as a mother going through this !! This is the worst drug out there due to how addictive it is !! I wish you and your family well and hope that your loved one recovers quickly from this horrible disease !! Truly sad !!
I do not think he is at the stage with needles, but thank you for telling me about the Hep C info.
Also, I am terribly sorry to hear about your situation !! I can't even imagine what your feeling as a mother going through this !! This is the worst drug out there due to how addictive it is !! I wish you and your family well and hope that your loved one recovers quickly from this horrible disease !! Truly sad !!
Devastated-
I feel so Much for your story. First off, I do think you're making the right decision. It can be a decision that might save his life. I just left my fianc. I feel so lost and sad, they are our best friends after all- that's why we wanted a life with them in the first place! But today.. there's a voice in my head reminding me of the facts. You have a beautiful child and they deserve to live in a safe home. It's okay to leave. It's okay to feel guilty too, like me. But we have to remember that they HAVE to get over this by themselves! We will only drag ourselves down by being with them. My brain is so tired and heavy with so many thoughts and he won't stop calling telling me how much things have changed, but I remember the facts.
Do any of your friends know your situation? Any family? Let them know you really want to let him go but you need support! I have told the closest ppl around me and it's nice to have that support. This website has also done wonders! It's so sad how similar all of our stories are. I posted one, "Best Friends."
I truly wish you the best my dear. Take care of yourself. Remember addiction doesn't make him a bad person, but it was him who started this and unfortunately he is the only one who can help himself now.
My fianc was my best friend for ten years, a guy who would give ANYONE the shirt off his back. He never called me out of my name and loved me to death! But heroin took over his life- and it will always be a battle in his life. Are you willing to have your child live so close to something so sad? Willing for maybe your child to feel the same way you do one day?
Much love and respect your way! Keep us updated!
<3
I feel so Much for your story. First off, I do think you're making the right decision. It can be a decision that might save his life. I just left my fianc. I feel so lost and sad, they are our best friends after all- that's why we wanted a life with them in the first place! But today.. there's a voice in my head reminding me of the facts. You have a beautiful child and they deserve to live in a safe home. It's okay to leave. It's okay to feel guilty too, like me. But we have to remember that they HAVE to get over this by themselves! We will only drag ourselves down by being with them. My brain is so tired and heavy with so many thoughts and he won't stop calling telling me how much things have changed, but I remember the facts.
Do any of your friends know your situation? Any family? Let them know you really want to let him go but you need support! I have told the closest ppl around me and it's nice to have that support. This website has also done wonders! It's so sad how similar all of our stories are. I posted one, "Best Friends."
I truly wish you the best my dear. Take care of yourself. Remember addiction doesn't make him a bad person, but it was him who started this and unfortunately he is the only one who can help himself now.
My fianc was my best friend for ten years, a guy who would give ANYONE the shirt off his back. He never called me out of my name and loved me to death! But heroin took over his life- and it will always be a battle in his life. Are you willing to have your child live so close to something so sad? Willing for maybe your child to feel the same way you do one day?
Much love and respect your way! Keep us updated!
<3
TryingTo,
Thanks for the advice! I do have a support system, but nothing or anyone can take my pain away, but HIM. I do not understand the fact that I know he loves me and his child so much, but yet is not doing anything to get better. It is as if he feels that he doesn't have a problem and is using the drug recreationally and can control it.
I am sorry to hear about your significant other! Losing our best friends, soul mates, etc. is not easy at all. What's crazy is that I haven't even thought about the fact that our relationship may never be the same again because I have so much animosity towards him. All I want at this point, is for him to get better, so he can be the best father I know he can be. I basically am trying to keep myself on the back burner because my child is way more important than me. My child deserves his father back !!
Wish you well and hope the best outcome for you and your loved one!
Thanks for the advice! I do have a support system, but nothing or anyone can take my pain away, but HIM. I do not understand the fact that I know he loves me and his child so much, but yet is not doing anything to get better. It is as if he feels that he doesn't have a problem and is using the drug recreationally and can control it.
I am sorry to hear about your significant other! Losing our best friends, soul mates, etc. is not easy at all. What's crazy is that I haven't even thought about the fact that our relationship may never be the same again because I have so much animosity towards him. All I want at this point, is for him to get better, so he can be the best father I know he can be. I basically am trying to keep myself on the back burner because my child is way more important than me. My child deserves his father back !!
Wish you well and hope the best outcome for you and your loved one!
Devastated,
I see that you created your own post so I am reposting my reply to you below. I've also read the advice others have given you and it is excellent advice, probably better than mine. Either way, stay strong!
My earlier post:
I can only imagine how painful it was for you to write your post and my heart goes out to you! Knowing that you are not alone in these types of situations I hope helps you and I hope that my responses as well as everyone else's gives you the strength to do whatever you think is the right thing to do.
As I read through your post, I realized that, compared to your issues, mine are miniscule! You don't say how old you are or what type of career you have and these could certainly affect the decisions you make.
Please remember, these are my opinions and they can be dead wrong. I'm sure you have heard and will continue to hear many opinions and advice, but in the end it is your decision!
His reply was that I am not there for him and stated many other inappropriate things to me....Am I doing the right thing? Is letting him go the best option for him? Is waiting for him to hit rock bottom actually going to work? Or..am I going to regret this decision for the rest of my life if God Forbid he overdoses out there in the streets??? Am I pushing him to do more drugs simply because I can no longer have our child as well as myself in that type of environment?? Please respond and let me know your thoughts...thank you
I reposted this section of your post here because it is where you ask several questions. If you haven't found out already, addicts are master manipulators! They will push whatever buttons they can to get you to feel bad for them, guilty, etc.
You cannot save him! That is his job! Whether he has hit rock bottom to get better or overdoses on the streets, that is on him! You cannot be his social worker, policeman, jail guard, Dr., etc. asking him to be a responsible and sober adult and keeping yourself and your child out of that dangerous environment is not pushing him to do drugs. You have a child to raise and while caring for your partner is normal in a normal relationship, you are certainly not in a normal relationship! He endangers himself, you, and your child in that type of environment and you need to protect your child and yourself so that you can provide for the child.
As recommended elsewhere, I do recommend that you contact and go to nar-Anon meetings. You will learn a great deal and I recommend you pay close attention to the different women have dealt with spouses who are addicted. As you observe them, for those who have stayed with their addicted spouses, find out how long they have been in that type of situation and then look to see how their lives have turned out and what mental and physical conditions they are in.
Again, this is only my opinion so you need to decide what is best for you and then follow that decision it sounds like you have a great support system in your family and that can go a long way to give you the strength to follow whatever you decide.
I send whatever strength I have left to you,
Michael
I see that you created your own post so I am reposting my reply to you below. I've also read the advice others have given you and it is excellent advice, probably better than mine. Either way, stay strong!
My earlier post:
I can only imagine how painful it was for you to write your post and my heart goes out to you! Knowing that you are not alone in these types of situations I hope helps you and I hope that my responses as well as everyone else's gives you the strength to do whatever you think is the right thing to do.
As I read through your post, I realized that, compared to your issues, mine are miniscule! You don't say how old you are or what type of career you have and these could certainly affect the decisions you make.
Please remember, these are my opinions and they can be dead wrong. I'm sure you have heard and will continue to hear many opinions and advice, but in the end it is your decision!
His reply was that I am not there for him and stated many other inappropriate things to me....Am I doing the right thing? Is letting him go the best option for him? Is waiting for him to hit rock bottom actually going to work? Or..am I going to regret this decision for the rest of my life if God Forbid he overdoses out there in the streets??? Am I pushing him to do more drugs simply because I can no longer have our child as well as myself in that type of environment?? Please respond and let me know your thoughts...thank you
I reposted this section of your post here because it is where you ask several questions. If you haven't found out already, addicts are master manipulators! They will push whatever buttons they can to get you to feel bad for them, guilty, etc.
You cannot save him! That is his job! Whether he has hit rock bottom to get better or overdoses on the streets, that is on him! You cannot be his social worker, policeman, jail guard, Dr., etc. asking him to be a responsible and sober adult and keeping yourself and your child out of that dangerous environment is not pushing him to do drugs. You have a child to raise and while caring for your partner is normal in a normal relationship, you are certainly not in a normal relationship! He endangers himself, you, and your child in that type of environment and you need to protect your child and yourself so that you can provide for the child.
As recommended elsewhere, I do recommend that you contact and go to nar-Anon meetings. You will learn a great deal and I recommend you pay close attention to the different women have dealt with spouses who are addicted. As you observe them, for those who have stayed with their addicted spouses, find out how long they have been in that type of situation and then look to see how their lives have turned out and what mental and physical conditions they are in.
Again, this is only my opinion so you need to decide what is best for you and then follow that decision it sounds like you have a great support system in your family and that can go a long way to give you the strength to follow whatever you decide.
I send whatever strength I have left to you,
Michael
Michael,
Thank you so much for responding to my post!! I am 30 years old, a full time college student, and work in the education field.
I do appreciate all of your advice and the thing that stuck with me the most is the fact that I can't be his DOCTOR or SOCIAL WORKER!!! I have basically been trying to do just that !!! And of course, it has been an epic fail !! I can't help but to feel sorry for him, but then again, I become so angry and hurt that I just cry and cry many hours of the day! Everything and anything reminds me of him, and it makes me just melt on my couch, where I feel paralyzed and can't move !! He really thinks of me as someone who is truly turning my back on him when he needs me the most! I don't understand what else he wants from me !! I can't change what he has done and I can't put him in a cage for days and force him to overcome his addiction !! I am at the end of the rope, I am sinking in the ocean, my entire body is weak, etc,
I will look into the meetings and see where it is offered in my area!
Thanks again !!!
Thank you so much for responding to my post!! I am 30 years old, a full time college student, and work in the education field.
I do appreciate all of your advice and the thing that stuck with me the most is the fact that I can't be his DOCTOR or SOCIAL WORKER!!! I have basically been trying to do just that !!! And of course, it has been an epic fail !! I can't help but to feel sorry for him, but then again, I become so angry and hurt that I just cry and cry many hours of the day! Everything and anything reminds me of him, and it makes me just melt on my couch, where I feel paralyzed and can't move !! He really thinks of me as someone who is truly turning my back on him when he needs me the most! I don't understand what else he wants from me !! I can't change what he has done and I can't put him in a cage for days and force him to overcome his addiction !! I am at the end of the rope, I am sinking in the ocean, my entire body is weak, etc,
I will look into the meetings and see where it is offered in my area!
Thanks again !!!
when someone else's life and decisions takes over your life, you need to set up boundaries. Full time college, working and caring for your child!! Whew - someone should be helping YOU!
I understand the paralyzing feelings, I get them too. It is the hardest part to work thru... the motivation to get off the couch and get your stuff done. I stopped finishing my masters degree bc of the time my addicted child consumed of me. I just could not concentrate and didnt want to get bad grades - so I stopped. I was in my 40's and had a job where I did not Need the masters. YOU must make yourself, child and education your priority. when you have time left over, help your bf.
Set boundaries - plan your days to get Your stuff done. When ever your bf calls, tell him you cant - you have school work to do, house cleaning, etc. Set a time that is good for you to meet him out somewhere WITH your son. visitation. dont be alone w him. that is the time my son would ask me for stuff in the past - not when his father was around. they know how to manipulate us bc we Want to help. when he sees he is not getting anywhere, his communication will slow down. Tell him you are out of ideas, he needs to go to the experts, you dont know what to do, you have done everything, it didnt work. hope this help a bit!
At this point we are in 'round three' with our son. he is working and wants to manage his own paycheck and does not want to ask me for $$. for two months this has worked, yet he is still spending on the street. he is not living home, that is good for now.
I understand the paralyzing feelings, I get them too. It is the hardest part to work thru... the motivation to get off the couch and get your stuff done. I stopped finishing my masters degree bc of the time my addicted child consumed of me. I just could not concentrate and didnt want to get bad grades - so I stopped. I was in my 40's and had a job where I did not Need the masters. YOU must make yourself, child and education your priority. when you have time left over, help your bf.
Set boundaries - plan your days to get Your stuff done. When ever your bf calls, tell him you cant - you have school work to do, house cleaning, etc. Set a time that is good for you to meet him out somewhere WITH your son. visitation. dont be alone w him. that is the time my son would ask me for stuff in the past - not when his father was around. they know how to manipulate us bc we Want to help. when he sees he is not getting anywhere, his communication will slow down. Tell him you are out of ideas, he needs to go to the experts, you dont know what to do, you have done everything, it didnt work. hope this help a bit!
At this point we are in 'round three' with our son. he is working and wants to manage his own paycheck and does not want to ask me for $$. for two months this has worked, yet he is still spending on the street. he is not living home, that is good for now.
NyToFlorida,
Thank you for lifting me up when I am obviously down. I can't even imagine my son doing drugs, and what that must make you as a mother feel. I wish we had the answers to their recovery and success in their lives. I'm sad to hear you couldn't finish your masters degree due to the situation you were in. I can relate to that because it was honestly the worst trying to get good grades for two semesters while dealing with my boyfriend. I appreciate all of your advice it truly is helpful through this depressing time in my life!!
Thank you for lifting me up when I am obviously down. I can't even imagine my son doing drugs, and what that must make you as a mother feel. I wish we had the answers to their recovery and success in their lives. I'm sad to hear you couldn't finish your masters degree due to the situation you were in. I can relate to that because it was honestly the worst trying to get good grades for two semesters while dealing with my boyfriend. I appreciate all of your advice it truly is helpful through this depressing time in my life!!
Devastated,
I think that the hardest part of all of this is twofold:
The first is that the person you are in love with, although they look the same, sound the same, and act the same, they have become a different person. Whereas before they interacted with you, loved you, cared for you, and all the other things that a loving partner does, they have over time stopped. No matter what you do, or how hard you try, you can't get a response from them. If you do get a response, it is an annoyance or anger!
The second and probably more insidious is that, being master manipulators, your addicted partner starts to blame you for the situation. You're always nagging me, you're always trying to control me, you keep pushing me to do (insert your own word), you don't love me anymore, you did this and that's why I'm doing drugs, I need to do this because life with you is so stressful and is the only way I can relax. I hope you understand my point, they can come up with 1 million reasons why they are helpless victims and you are some sort of monster or some terrible person that is being mean to then.
So you're living with someone who has become an indifferent stranger. They don't want to help in any meaningful way about dealing with the issues of everyday life.
The worst thing about this, at least from my perspective, is that after hearing time and time again these negative things about yourself, you start to question yourself. Did I do that wrong? Did I do enough of this? Am I a bad person? Am I too demanding? When you begin doubting yourself, the solid ground under you turns into mud. You lose your confidence, you lose stability, your life becomes chaos and you are terrified of what tomorrow may bring.
The way I have been able to deal with this is to realize that I am the healthy person in this situation. My partner/spouse is sick and the last thing I want to do or should do is let them make decisions for both of us. That position can give you self-control, stability, and perhaps some compassion yet strength to deal with this sick person.
You wrote Everything and anything reminds me of him, and it makes me just melt on my couch, where I feel paralyzed and can't move. Trust me I know this feeling! When my wife disappeared for two months, I was absolutely paralyzed with fear, Worry, and anxiety! Worse yet, since we had recently moved, all of my friends and family were 2000 miles away. I paced this huge empty house relentlessly, my mind going a million miles an hour. That was a year ago this month, now it's a year later, she is finally in rehab, but is the situation resolved?
Congratulations on looking into the meetings, I do hope you go. Being surrounded by people who are suffering the same and can share their fears and angers is very comforting. They will all be at different stages in their situation and that might help you too.
I wish you the best,
Michael
I think that the hardest part of all of this is twofold:
The first is that the person you are in love with, although they look the same, sound the same, and act the same, they have become a different person. Whereas before they interacted with you, loved you, cared for you, and all the other things that a loving partner does, they have over time stopped. No matter what you do, or how hard you try, you can't get a response from them. If you do get a response, it is an annoyance or anger!
The second and probably more insidious is that, being master manipulators, your addicted partner starts to blame you for the situation. You're always nagging me, you're always trying to control me, you keep pushing me to do (insert your own word), you don't love me anymore, you did this and that's why I'm doing drugs, I need to do this because life with you is so stressful and is the only way I can relax. I hope you understand my point, they can come up with 1 million reasons why they are helpless victims and you are some sort of monster or some terrible person that is being mean to then.
So you're living with someone who has become an indifferent stranger. They don't want to help in any meaningful way about dealing with the issues of everyday life.
The worst thing about this, at least from my perspective, is that after hearing time and time again these negative things about yourself, you start to question yourself. Did I do that wrong? Did I do enough of this? Am I a bad person? Am I too demanding? When you begin doubting yourself, the solid ground under you turns into mud. You lose your confidence, you lose stability, your life becomes chaos and you are terrified of what tomorrow may bring.
The way I have been able to deal with this is to realize that I am the healthy person in this situation. My partner/spouse is sick and the last thing I want to do or should do is let them make decisions for both of us. That position can give you self-control, stability, and perhaps some compassion yet strength to deal with this sick person.
You wrote Everything and anything reminds me of him, and it makes me just melt on my couch, where I feel paralyzed and can't move. Trust me I know this feeling! When my wife disappeared for two months, I was absolutely paralyzed with fear, Worry, and anxiety! Worse yet, since we had recently moved, all of my friends and family were 2000 miles away. I paced this huge empty house relentlessly, my mind going a million miles an hour. That was a year ago this month, now it's a year later, she is finally in rehab, but is the situation resolved?
Congratulations on looking into the meetings, I do hope you go. Being surrounded by people who are suffering the same and can share their fears and angers is very comforting. They will all be at different stages in their situation and that might help you too.
I wish you the best,
Michael
Devastated,
You got some solid advice from these two! I just want to add my two cents. Every single day, I wake up wanting to talk to my man. I have a notepad literally on my bed side REMINDING me of the pain he has caused his family and myself... not to mention himself. I forget ALL THE TIME! In our town, we are known. Everyone was always envious of us two. "He flaunts you sooo much," "He's sooo honest to you," so on and so forth. I feel like I'm mourning a death sometimes. It's scary to be mourning someone who is still alive. I am still so upset with him, and it's a daily battle. A beautiful ring, his beautiful family, his beautiful self- HE gave it all up! I wanted this so much more than him, and that is what saddens me the most. I feel resentful and angry, but then I remember, this is his struggle, not mine. It's a cat and mouse game... the more I try to help, the more things get messed up. It's like a higher power is trying to tell me, STOP- this is his life, for only him to control.
Many nights I've spent writing in my iPhone notes what I want to tell him. I don't ever send them. He is Mr. Excuses. There will ALWAYS be something in their way of providing for us. They will promise you time and time again that things will be different. I lied to my family about his addiction for eight months. I tirelessly worked, took care of my father who is recovering from a major heart surgery and went to school full time. I suffered. I cried myself to sleep every night for eight months. Not once did I think to give up. I believed. I found this website... I hoped still. He is not the same as these other people. He calls, I answer. I love him, he loves me. I wanted to continue to believe, and the truth is, I still wish I could believe. I wish I could naively be laying with him.
Ah, but I forget. I have told him no lies. I did not self inflict pain. I did not do drugs behind his back. I did not sneak text messages to dealers behind his back. I did no malice behind his back. I didn't even THINK to do anything behind his back. However- their whole addictions were behind OUR BACK!
The guilt we feel and will always feel is real. Their actions that they commit towards us, themselves and family IS REAL! But, the moment only lasts for so long. For me, the future scared me the most. These past eight months that I have known about his addiction were pure hell. You can see it in my face that I've aged. His mother has aged. I saw him at his worst. He went from 170... slowly down to 130. 130 pounds. This athlete became 130 pounds. I interrogated him constantly, are you doing norco's again?(high school basketball injury) he said, no. Don't ever accuse me of doing that ever again. I remember when his sister told me. I thought I was going nuts. Then he told me. He said I'm sorry, you should leave. Then begged me to stay. I didn't know that the next eight months would be exactly like that night. 5 stages of grief every single day... and repeat. I saw this boy high, I saw him withdrawing. I saw him lose all of his friends. Saw his burnt straws in my car when I returned from my vacation.
As the days pass by, I am regaining strength. I hope he is too. I am reminded that he is no longer who he was- but a vessel for his drug of choice. A shell of who he was before. I wish to hug him tight and tell him everything will be okay- just like everyone else here. We are all here, writing on this website, because something within us misses them. But we are no longer of help to them. It's time they wake up.
Much love your way,
M.
You got some solid advice from these two! I just want to add my two cents. Every single day, I wake up wanting to talk to my man. I have a notepad literally on my bed side REMINDING me of the pain he has caused his family and myself... not to mention himself. I forget ALL THE TIME! In our town, we are known. Everyone was always envious of us two. "He flaunts you sooo much," "He's sooo honest to you," so on and so forth. I feel like I'm mourning a death sometimes. It's scary to be mourning someone who is still alive. I am still so upset with him, and it's a daily battle. A beautiful ring, his beautiful family, his beautiful self- HE gave it all up! I wanted this so much more than him, and that is what saddens me the most. I feel resentful and angry, but then I remember, this is his struggle, not mine. It's a cat and mouse game... the more I try to help, the more things get messed up. It's like a higher power is trying to tell me, STOP- this is his life, for only him to control.
Many nights I've spent writing in my iPhone notes what I want to tell him. I don't ever send them. He is Mr. Excuses. There will ALWAYS be something in their way of providing for us. They will promise you time and time again that things will be different. I lied to my family about his addiction for eight months. I tirelessly worked, took care of my father who is recovering from a major heart surgery and went to school full time. I suffered. I cried myself to sleep every night for eight months. Not once did I think to give up. I believed. I found this website... I hoped still. He is not the same as these other people. He calls, I answer. I love him, he loves me. I wanted to continue to believe, and the truth is, I still wish I could believe. I wish I could naively be laying with him.
Ah, but I forget. I have told him no lies. I did not self inflict pain. I did not do drugs behind his back. I did not sneak text messages to dealers behind his back. I did no malice behind his back. I didn't even THINK to do anything behind his back. However- their whole addictions were behind OUR BACK!
The guilt we feel and will always feel is real. Their actions that they commit towards us, themselves and family IS REAL! But, the moment only lasts for so long. For me, the future scared me the most. These past eight months that I have known about his addiction were pure hell. You can see it in my face that I've aged. His mother has aged. I saw him at his worst. He went from 170... slowly down to 130. 130 pounds. This athlete became 130 pounds. I interrogated him constantly, are you doing norco's again?(high school basketball injury) he said, no. Don't ever accuse me of doing that ever again. I remember when his sister told me. I thought I was going nuts. Then he told me. He said I'm sorry, you should leave. Then begged me to stay. I didn't know that the next eight months would be exactly like that night. 5 stages of grief every single day... and repeat. I saw this boy high, I saw him withdrawing. I saw him lose all of his friends. Saw his burnt straws in my car when I returned from my vacation.
As the days pass by, I am regaining strength. I hope he is too. I am reminded that he is no longer who he was- but a vessel for his drug of choice. A shell of who he was before. I wish to hug him tight and tell him everything will be okay- just like everyone else here. We are all here, writing on this website, because something within us misses them. But we are no longer of help to them. It's time they wake up.
Much love your way,
M.
mikalle-
it's like your taking the words out of my brain. that was crazy. many prayers your way. I hope you the best! know that we are always here.
M
it's like your taking the words out of my brain. that was crazy. many prayers your way. I hope you the best! know that we are always here.
M
