We met, and I'm not joking a week later I knew I could spend the rest of my life with this man. Next thing I knew I was in a relationship with a recovering heroin addict. I'm a law graduate about to be a lawyer and he is 4 years younger than I am. Nevertheless, I have such love and kinship with him that I'm willing to stick it out and have kept the possibility of a relapse in the back of my head.
I need some help about what I should do and what to look for in order to help him along his journey to a clean, happy life. We looked at colleges last week and may move in together in the coming months. I'm not used to dating addicts and I'm in a profession where I cannot and will not allow any drugs into my home. I do know that if he relapsed, I would be extremely hurt but I know the key to a successful and happy recovery is to have a strong support system. I've told him I wouldn't leave and I'll always try my hardest to understand the drug, the recovery process, and provide a caring and loving home for us no matter what happens. Because let's be real, yelling or getting angry won't solve anything nor will it keep him from being secretive about the whole deal.
I keep encouraging him and telling him that he'll be great and that he'll make it into college, won't relapse so on so on. But at the same time, I'm being realistically optimistic by assuring him that we can work this through together if it happens though I do believe that he's got a lot going for him right now since we've been together (college process, job, and maybe a new place).
Another scary thing is he's going back to his hometown where he got addicted and will be there for about 2 weeks (with 8 days away at the beach with his family). We talked about it and I've even written him cheesy little "believe in yourself" reminders in his bag and jean pocket to look at if times gets hard and I told him I'd drive over if he needed me.
I'd be endlessly grateful to anyone who'd give me an opinion on our situation. I'm desperate and it's hard for us to talk about it still bc I'm scared of pushing but also scared that if he talks about it too much he'll get worse cravings :/ Thanks in advance!!
Hello and welcome! I have a few questions for you. How long has this person been clean? Does he go to a 12 step meetings or any other support group? How old is he? Recovery is not easy for some. This person is gonna have to want to stay clean, and it's up to him, no matter what you do or say is gonna keep him clean, and to say you'll be hurt is an understatement. I am a recovering addict and i have a boyfriend and we live together, been together off and on for 10 years. I have took this man to hell and back more then once or twice or three times. I have stolen things from him to get drugs. I have lied to him, i have cheated on him, and if i decide to go get loaded he tells me it's over. I have been clean for 2 years and no longer do bad things to him, but he does hold me accountable for MY recovery, and i have consequences for MY actions. We have a good life together today. Just know that this is about him and his recovery and nothing you do or say can or will keep him clean. He needs sober friends and a clean lifestyle. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
Thanks so much for your honest response, I sincerely appreciate it. He's 20 years old, started recovering this year. He used to go to meetings but was treated really roughly by some old-timers and they basically told him that he was some idiot kid who didn't belong here and he didn't know what "addiction really was". He has a very sensitive nature which makes me worried sometimes bc I tend to be blunt and harsh.
He has expressed vehemently the will to change and is actually staying away from any "friends" or people he knows are still using-- hence why he was kind of scared to go back to his hometown where his initial contacts are and the place where he lost many friends to addiction. We spend much of our free time together with both of us working 8-10 hours a day. He's had a real nasty stint with relapse twice and this is his 3rd try at recovery. I don't think he's ever wanted to fail at recovery (I don't think anyone does) but it seems to me, from what I hear from many of his friends/co-workers, is that he's in a more lively mood and generally more cheerful ever since we've gotten together. I'm not sure whether his recovery will be smoother but he has told me that he's got something more to live for than just a broken home and a crummy apartment he shares with 6 other people.
He has expressed vehemently the will to change and is actually staying away from any "friends" or people he knows are still using-- hence why he was kind of scared to go back to his hometown where his initial contacts are and the place where he lost many friends to addiction. We spend much of our free time together with both of us working 8-10 hours a day. He's had a real nasty stint with relapse twice and this is his 3rd try at recovery. I don't think he's ever wanted to fail at recovery (I don't think anyone does) but it seems to me, from what I hear from many of his friends/co-workers, is that he's in a more lively mood and generally more cheerful ever since we've gotten together. I'm not sure whether his recovery will be smoother but he has told me that he's got something more to live for than just a broken home and a crummy apartment he shares with 6 other people.
I do go to NA and they tell us not to get into a relationship for at least the first year(or have a pet). The old timers at this meeting should not have said what they said but tell him not to get discouraged. He needs to find another meeting that fits him. I suggest one where there is more people his age. You can go to the NA website and they will have a schedule for your area to find meetings. A newcomer meeting would be best. At 20 yrs old he has lots of life ahead of him one that can be free of drugs. To be honest i think you should focus on you and him on him. Take things very slow. See if he can stay sober for a least a year then move in together. Statistics are against you guys that he will stay sober, and the chances are very high that he will be break your break your heart. I'm not saying he can't do it, but without a good support group and 3 relapses already idk? Recovery is hard but it's worth it.
I bumped a thread over on the Families/Partners of addicts by a girl named Angelfishy please read this.
I bumped a thread over on the Families/Partners of addicts by a girl named Angelfishy please read this.
You have to trust him. I think he finally got his inspiration and motivated more to change his life and that was you. Your support is big help. I wish you both a good life together.
while you are a great support, don't become his reason to be clean, he has to be clean for himself. IMO 20 is very young and I would say you need to be careful not to be a parent to him, he will have to change because e he wants to
Hello everybody, I'm new here and have been reading a lot of the posts recently. I figured I could tell my story here and not be judged and get some helpful advice. I am not a heroin addict but fell in love with one. I have smoked pot off and on for years and enjoy a few drinks socially. But I am not addicted to anything. I live a good life raising my 6 year old daughter.
So my story starts like this..About 9 years ago I met a man, we dated 4 months and then he told me he was using heroin and asked if I would stay the weekend with him to help him go through the with drawls. Well, I did just that. It was horrible to see him that way. But I was intent on helping him get better. About a week later when I showed up to his house he had another woman there. Obviously, we broke things off. I was devasttated and couldn't believe after helping him through that situation that he could just cut me loose and start a relationship with a different woman in such a short amount of time. So, I left and never looked back.
Fast forward to now (9 years later). I ran into him at a bar back April and he told me was clean and that he'd like to take me out for dinner. I did go and met him for dinner and he apologized for how had treated me in the past. Needless to say we started dating again.
Things were wonderful, we had a great time together and I felt like he truly loved me. Things moved pretty fast. We had stared dating in April and after 3 months of dating he wanted us to get a place together. I felt a bit rushed but thought, "Hey, we're in love, why not." But, soon we discovered that the rental market was terrible. So he had a brilliant plan that we would just stay at my mom's (paying her rent obviously) through the winter so we could stack some cash to and get a place in the spring.
He was at our place no more than 3 weeks and I started to see the signs of heroin use. Constant sniffing, mood swings, disappearing for amounts of time, long trips to the bathroom(taking a water bottle with him), even in public places!
I really knew something was wrong when he took my car to the bank, which is 2 blocks away and came home with a fever, which lasted a few hours(come to find out after some research, it was from 'dirty cottin'). That next day I decided to search all his stuff and pulled out a cloth that seemed to be a tie off! That was it, I went to his job site and asked him what it was for, he tried to lie and say it was a snot rag, but I knew better. I told him I wasn't going to take the lies any more and for him to be honest with me. That day he told me the truth and said he had been using the entire time we were together and said he lied because he didn't want to lose me. He said he thought he would be able to kick it on his own without me knowing.
Apparently, the relapse had started back in Feb. of this year when he was dating a woman, who had lots of money, long distance and he went to visit her and discovered that she was married and had a crack addiction and a pill addiction. So, he took the pills from her so she wouldn't take them. Trying to save her. Then he started taking the pills once he returned home from his trip visiting her. After the pills were gone he said he didn't want to get sick, so he started using heroin because it was cheaper and more accessible than pills.
So I discovered all this last Tuesday, moved him back into to his roommates place that day! He asked me to drop him off at detox on that following Friday, which I did. The detox place released him on Sunday instead of Monday! I talked with him on the phone over the weekend and he sounded miserable. Then Monday evening his roommate texted me and asked if he was with me. So I called him that Monday evening and he sound just fine! I realized he was using again that day and he admitted to it. He said he did it because he wasn't physically strong enough to handle the with drawls.
Today is Wednesday and he sent me a text saying he's going to see a drug counselor today. I don't know what's going to happen to this man I love. All I can do is distance myself. It hurts so bad but I do not want to be an enabler. I don't want anything to do with him at this point. I am feeling so hurt and so deceived. These past few months have been nothing but a lie.
Heroin has been a huge struggle in his life the past 10 years. He went to jail, got clean in there. Then went off to 6 months inpatient and did well. He had 13 months clean until he met that woman that would be his demise.
I had hopes of building future with this man I love. We discussed building his business together...I even left my job! So that I could help him build his business, a family business, as he would say. I was delusional and in love and thought that this man was the one and now I'm stuck rebuilding what was lost. My heart is broken.
It seems to be the typical love story of dating an addict...
So my story starts like this..About 9 years ago I met a man, we dated 4 months and then he told me he was using heroin and asked if I would stay the weekend with him to help him go through the with drawls. Well, I did just that. It was horrible to see him that way. But I was intent on helping him get better. About a week later when I showed up to his house he had another woman there. Obviously, we broke things off. I was devasttated and couldn't believe after helping him through that situation that he could just cut me loose and start a relationship with a different woman in such a short amount of time. So, I left and never looked back.
Fast forward to now (9 years later). I ran into him at a bar back April and he told me was clean and that he'd like to take me out for dinner. I did go and met him for dinner and he apologized for how had treated me in the past. Needless to say we started dating again.
Things were wonderful, we had a great time together and I felt like he truly loved me. Things moved pretty fast. We had stared dating in April and after 3 months of dating he wanted us to get a place together. I felt a bit rushed but thought, "Hey, we're in love, why not." But, soon we discovered that the rental market was terrible. So he had a brilliant plan that we would just stay at my mom's (paying her rent obviously) through the winter so we could stack some cash to and get a place in the spring.
He was at our place no more than 3 weeks and I started to see the signs of heroin use. Constant sniffing, mood swings, disappearing for amounts of time, long trips to the bathroom(taking a water bottle with him), even in public places!
I really knew something was wrong when he took my car to the bank, which is 2 blocks away and came home with a fever, which lasted a few hours(come to find out after some research, it was from 'dirty cottin'). That next day I decided to search all his stuff and pulled out a cloth that seemed to be a tie off! That was it, I went to his job site and asked him what it was for, he tried to lie and say it was a snot rag, but I knew better. I told him I wasn't going to take the lies any more and for him to be honest with me. That day he told me the truth and said he had been using the entire time we were together and said he lied because he didn't want to lose me. He said he thought he would be able to kick it on his own without me knowing.
Apparently, the relapse had started back in Feb. of this year when he was dating a woman, who had lots of money, long distance and he went to visit her and discovered that she was married and had a crack addiction and a pill addiction. So, he took the pills from her so she wouldn't take them. Trying to save her. Then he started taking the pills once he returned home from his trip visiting her. After the pills were gone he said he didn't want to get sick, so he started using heroin because it was cheaper and more accessible than pills.
So I discovered all this last Tuesday, moved him back into to his roommates place that day! He asked me to drop him off at detox on that following Friday, which I did. The detox place released him on Sunday instead of Monday! I talked with him on the phone over the weekend and he sounded miserable. Then Monday evening his roommate texted me and asked if he was with me. So I called him that Monday evening and he sound just fine! I realized he was using again that day and he admitted to it. He said he did it because he wasn't physically strong enough to handle the with drawls.
Today is Wednesday and he sent me a text saying he's going to see a drug counselor today. I don't know what's going to happen to this man I love. All I can do is distance myself. It hurts so bad but I do not want to be an enabler. I don't want anything to do with him at this point. I am feeling so hurt and so deceived. These past few months have been nothing but a lie.
Heroin has been a huge struggle in his life the past 10 years. He went to jail, got clean in there. Then went off to 6 months inpatient and did well. He had 13 months clean until he met that woman that would be his demise.
I had hopes of building future with this man I love. We discussed building his business together...I even left my job! So that I could help him build his business, a family business, as he would say. I was delusional and in love and thought that this man was the one and now I'm stuck rebuilding what was lost. My heart is broken.
It seems to be the typical love story of dating an addict...
Lawloverrecovery- I am in the same boat as you & would really like to talk more with you if you're interested?
Commment is coming late:
I am in a similar situation. I am young only 20 and fell in love a man 5 years old than me while temporary living in another state while I "figured" out my life. Within a week or so of knowing him I discovered he had a drug problem... Meth. In addition while we were together he smoked, did molly, acid and cocaine. The only one that "affected" him on a daily basis was the meth. I didn't realize how bad it was until I was already in love with him. And by then it was too late.
You see I had just lost two immediate family members in a 6 month span, making me vulnerable and for the first time in my life I was able to open up with another human being. I am an uncaring person... But I've always told in another relations that I was cold and distant and thats because I was and still am because I have an extremely hard time letting my guard down, which he did for me. Its like I knew him in another life. We could be in a room and speak with each other without having a conversation.
I am young, but can't help but feel he is the person that I am meant to be with..... But the fact that he is still recovering from his addiction has such a big toll on our relationship. Because I didn't secure with him I ended up leaving 15 hours back to my home state and get help but think about him and worry about him everyday.
He is his own person, and I know he must fight his own demons. I love him, and always will.
I am in a similar situation. I am young only 20 and fell in love a man 5 years old than me while temporary living in another state while I "figured" out my life. Within a week or so of knowing him I discovered he had a drug problem... Meth. In addition while we were together he smoked, did molly, acid and cocaine. The only one that "affected" him on a daily basis was the meth. I didn't realize how bad it was until I was already in love with him. And by then it was too late.
You see I had just lost two immediate family members in a 6 month span, making me vulnerable and for the first time in my life I was able to open up with another human being. I am an uncaring person... But I've always told in another relations that I was cold and distant and thats because I was and still am because I have an extremely hard time letting my guard down, which he did for me. Its like I knew him in another life. We could be in a room and speak with each other without having a conversation.
I am young, but can't help but feel he is the person that I am meant to be with..... But the fact that he is still recovering from his addiction has such a big toll on our relationship. Because I didn't secure with him I ended up leaving 15 hours back to my home state and get help but think about him and worry about him everyday.
He is his own person, and I know he must fight his own demons. I love him, and always will.
I am 27 years old and I have battled addiction to opiates for 13 years and specifically heroin for 5. I am finally clean 9 months and 4 days today. I have never been on the flip side of the addiction relationship. I would like to say that I can guarantee that he doesn't do it to hurt you and I am sure that he could pass a lie detector to that question. All you can do is try to help him but do it without being an enabler. Just assume that everything he says is a lie until proven otherwise. Us addicts are very good at our craft and we can manipulate things very nicely. We don't do anything with the intention to hurt someone but in active addiction we just don't care. I put my girlfriend through to much s*** it is unbelievable that she is still with me. But I can say that now we are stronger than ever. Good Luck.
On October 25, 2014, I met my soul mate. She is a recovering heroin addict. When we met, she was about 30 days clean. A lot of people advised against her getting into a relationship that early in recovery. We couldn't help it. We fell in love with each other the day we met. Instant connection. I knew right away that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. She was the first person I had any feelings for since I was 23, I'm 27 now, soon to be 28. She woke me up from years of depression and made me want to live again.
We were only together for 2 months, every second of it was amazing. She made me incredibly happy. On December 29, she broke up with me, so she could work on herself and figure out who she was. I was heartbroken, still am. I know 2 months isn't a long time, but I truly love her, and she loves(loved) me. Now we don't even talk. It's very hard for me. I'm trying to understand what she is going through, and why she can't have me in her life right now. I'm trying to respect her, and give her space. I'm afraid that we may never see each other again. I really wish that she would just talk to me.
We were only together for 2 months, every second of it was amazing. She made me incredibly happy. On December 29, she broke up with me, so she could work on herself and figure out who she was. I was heartbroken, still am. I know 2 months isn't a long time, but I truly love her, and she loves(loved) me. Now we don't even talk. It's very hard for me. I'm trying to understand what she is going through, and why she can't have me in her life right now. I'm trying to respect her, and give her space. I'm afraid that we may never see each other again. I really wish that she would just talk to me.
I too am in love with a recovering addict. We have know each other for 20 years. I knew him before during and after his addiction. After getting into some trouble, he spent over 3 years in jail where he got clean. He's been out for 6 months. We have spent every moment we could with each other and fell in love all over again. We started to share dreams and make plans for our future.
Just last week he told me that he was overwhelmed with our relationship and where he is in life. He explained that our relationship happened to fast and he wasn't ready. He said he needed some time. He said he was afraid of turning back to heroin. He said he just needed a little while to get back on track.
On Wednesday, he sent me a message saying that right now he needs me as a friend. He does want to start a family with me but asked me to give him a little time. He said everything will work out the way it's supposed to.
In the last week I have felt every emotion there is. Hope that he really does want to be with me. Worried that he will slip up, happy that he's trying, anxious because I haven't spoken to him. And scared to death that I may never see him again.
I want to give him the time, I want to trust him. But not knowing how long I may be waiting for or waiting for something that may never happen is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Just last week he told me that he was overwhelmed with our relationship and where he is in life. He explained that our relationship happened to fast and he wasn't ready. He said he needed some time. He said he was afraid of turning back to heroin. He said he just needed a little while to get back on track.
On Wednesday, he sent me a message saying that right now he needs me as a friend. He does want to start a family with me but asked me to give him a little time. He said everything will work out the way it's supposed to.
In the last week I have felt every emotion there is. Hope that he really does want to be with me. Worried that he will slip up, happy that he's trying, anxious because I haven't spoken to him. And scared to death that I may never see him again.
I want to give him the time, I want to trust him. But not knowing how long I may be waiting for or waiting for something that may never happen is the hardest thing I have ever done.
