Hello,
I am the spouse of an addict, his addiction is to pain pills and benzos. We have been together for two years. I have three children from a previous relationship and we have one son togther. I knew that he had been a recovering addict and that he had been through treatment before, he assured me that he was sober and I belived him. He was a sweet caring man, that had been abused in a previous relationship, having been there before myself I was very empathetic. He was awkward but very kind and very loving, my children adored him. & months into our relationship we found out I was pregnant, it was a shock, and even though we had talked about possibly having a child together in the future, this was a huge shock. He was very supportive and seemed excited and scared. At the ultrasound we discovered that I was pregnant with twins, but unfourtunatley one twin's heartbeat had stopped a week previously. At this point he started withdrawing from us, me especially, my motor blew in my car and i had to walk in the middle of winter to pick up my son from school, and he drove right passed me, didnt stop to offer a ride nothing, then he became angry, nit picking everything I did right down to how and where I fed our dog, then he walked out on us two weeks before christmas. So he comes back and apologizes for his behaviour, then things were fine for a bit, then I started noticing him nodding off in the middle of our conversations, then he was staggering, and barely coherant. He would leave at all hours of the night, say horrible, viscious things to me, cruel and mean. He walked out on us again, by this time I knew there was a drug problem but I didnt know what it was, I found him parked on the side of the highway and talked with him, his anxiety was very high, but he was not under the influence, and he told me that he had been taing benzos and alot of them, because his anxiety was so bad and he couldnt cope with the guilt of what he was putting our family through, at this point I told him that it was time to start seeing a psychiatrist to get to the root of his drug problem as I believe ( and still do ) that he is self medicating. So he goes on medical EI, for 15 weeks while he is seeing the psychiatrist and figuring out a medication regimen that would help, he was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. After a few weeks things got better, he had detoxed off the benzos, and was starting to show improvement. In june of 2014, I gave birth to our beautiful son, and thats where the benzo started again, he said he was so afraid of not knowing what to do with the baby that his anxiety was very bad, our son was admiotted to hospital at 2 days old for severe jaundice and had to be put in the incubator for three days, during this time I was in hospital with the baby he was stoned out of his tree. Here I was in tho hospital with my baby and my oldest child (16) was taking care of her two little brothers because I was in the hospital, with the baby, thats when the anger and resentment started for me. After we went home, he was stoned for two solid weeks, and I was exhausted from lack of sleep and having to take care of my older children all on my own. I was mad, and made no secret of it, at this point. He then decided to take a camp job, leaving me alone with all the kids on a moments notice, and again I was mad and made no secret of it, all of a sudden I was the bad guy I was the crazy chick who just was angry all the time and he couldnt understand why. Then he left again, I was so anxious when he left that time, here I was with a baby and 3 kids to take care of on my own and I was scared to death, while he was sitting in a house doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted being completley irresponsible, and I so desperatley needed his help, love and support, he told me the food I cooked wasnt healthy enough, that ny body was weird and all |I could think about at that time was what is so wrong with me that this man wont love me? what was I doing wrong? I would tidy up the house manically before he would get home so that he wouldnt find something to pick me apaprt for but he always found something regardless. I managed to convince him to come back ( I know I know) and things seemed great, he was helping with the kids more, helping around the house and would make me breakfast and bring me coffee in the morning, even had a jib that he seemed to love and was enjoying. Then it all crashed down, he took some lorazepam, painkillers and a sleeping pill, he was all over the place, turning on all the faucets, and leaving them on, starting all the vehicles at 230 am. Waking up the baby, talking in strings of jibberish I could barely make out, when I asked him what he took he got violent, grabbed my wrist threw me to the floor, and walked over me like I was nothing, I grabbed my phone to call the police, and he took it from me pinned me down and smashed it so bad the screen shattered, when he got off of me I took his phone, asked him again what he had taken and he punched me in the face, i called the police and ran to my sons room and waited for them to show up. He was arrested, and charged with assault, and because our baby was there they called social services. ( thank goodness my other children werent there), He came back to the house when he was released and had no recollection of what happened, he said the police told him that he had hit me, so I told him everything that happened. The police even took him to the hospital before taking him to cells. He had been staying at a friends rental house. I had taken a video of how he was acting so I coulod show him, because he never believed that he was so out of it when I told him, I wanted him to see, so I sent him that video. I told him I wanted him to come home and be responsible for our family, then his boss showed up at my doorstep asking me if he was a drug user, he was fired immediatley, as he went to work high driving high. I then decided that I needed time to heal and I knew he was still using and wasnt serious ablout getting help because he had stopped going to meetings, his sister went to see him and he was stoned, told her I was sabotaging him, then a few days later i sent him texts about how embarrassed and ashamed i was of his behaviour and had him served with custody papers of our son, then his mom found him very doped up and close to OD. They took him to the hospital and he is now in a detox facility. He says he want to come home, that he is sorry and that he misses us, I feel such guilt. But I know that I have to put my kids and myself first now, I have been in abusive relationships, my own mother is an abusive alcoholic and I am now just angry with myself for allowing this, I am so hurt, angry, and frustrated. I feel like our whole relatioship has been a big fat LIE.
As everyone else will tell you, think of your children's needs first. Yes, this man may be the father of one of your children, but you don't need him. He needs to get himself help. You can not fix him.
A relationship with an addict can feel like a complete lie. I know that feeling quite well. You can't plan ahead or really go for your dreams because the addiction and uncertainties of an addict get in the way. I recently got the addict in my life out of my life. I FEEL so comfortable in my house knowing that I don't have to think about something missing. I don't have to be lied to daily. I don't miss stupid arguments of her trying to defend herself when clear evidence proved the lie.I will spend my energy and time trying to get custody of my daughter and providing a life for her hoping she has minimun time with her mother. Even though her mother is supposed to be sober and trying to recover she's still not ready to be a parent full time..Life is hard with an addict. Hopefully you will find a way.
Lotus flower
How I feel for you im so sorry to hear what happened to you.
You need to think of yourself and children at this time. Know in your heart you tried and did everything you could, but ultimately he needs to make the change for himself.
A lot if not all addicts will leave you feeling guilty, sad, depressed and lonely because they have had the "opportunity" to feel wonderful and you in turn were upsetting their feeling. It's a war that loses to the innocent party, us!
I too am at a loss as to what to do with my partner. He says he doesn't want to be an addict or want to chase but he does. He wants to. He just tells me what I want to hear.
He has threatened me, my property any future partners I may have but I know that's his ice talking .
I've had to take a break, he has broken me emotionally beyond what I ever imagined.
I too tried to help him, keeping his cards, buying his food etc so he wouldn't be tempted but some s*** always offers him some. All the ppl he associates with are drug users. What hope do I have? And to top it off im the bad egg.
Stay strong and Nuture you for a while. They need to be aware of the damage they cause and be willing to understand why you had to do what you did, walking away.
How I feel for you im so sorry to hear what happened to you.
You need to think of yourself and children at this time. Know in your heart you tried and did everything you could, but ultimately he needs to make the change for himself.
A lot if not all addicts will leave you feeling guilty, sad, depressed and lonely because they have had the "opportunity" to feel wonderful and you in turn were upsetting their feeling. It's a war that loses to the innocent party, us!
I too am at a loss as to what to do with my partner. He says he doesn't want to be an addict or want to chase but he does. He wants to. He just tells me what I want to hear.
He has threatened me, my property any future partners I may have but I know that's his ice talking .
I've had to take a break, he has broken me emotionally beyond what I ever imagined.
I too tried to help him, keeping his cards, buying his food etc so he wouldn't be tempted but some s*** always offers him some. All the ppl he associates with are drug users. What hope do I have? And to top it off im the bad egg.
Stay strong and Nuture you for a while. They need to be aware of the damage they cause and be willing to understand why you had to do what you did, walking away.
