Hi. This is my first time at the site, and am finding it very informative. Until 8 months ago, I had never been around anyone (that I was aware of) who did drugs, which may seem strange to many, as I am in my 50's. I met a man, and fell in love with him, and did not find out he was a cocaine addict until after we had moved in together. He would disappear to his 'cave' as he called it. He started smoking it at home, keeping himself in the bathroom, and insisting on talking to me on the phone. He would strip down naked, and get extremely horny, which I find out from the postings here, is quite normal. He also started accusing me of seeing/speaking to/having sex with other people. He was upset, not that I would be doing that, but that I did not tell him about it upfront so he could get excited about it???? I would blow my top, as none of this was true. It led to our breakup, and him moving to another city. We started IM'ing, and he stated he was getting help. He was sounding very good, until (after 4 weeks) we were going to meet. He explained that the counsellors were telling him it would be a bad idea to see me and that I was no good for him as I knew what buttons to push. I offered to go to counselling with him, but he stated I would have to wait 2-3 months. Does this sound correct? We did get back together, although he has stayed where he is. He wanted to move back, but apparently the drugs are more abundant here that milk and eggs! I really do not have much of a clue when it comes to drugs, and would really like some advice on what to read, where to go for information, etc. I was to go and see him again 5 days ago, but he started in on me again, and I lost it. Is it normal for the partner of an addict to feel guilty because they cannot help? Are there things I should/should not be doing? As much as I love him, I cannot see myself living in that situation. However, I would like to stay friends, and help him any way I can. He knows he is an addict, and has spells where he does not use, but he gives in to his cravings, feels quilty, and states he wants to get help. He has come close to OD'ing a couple of times, and I am afraid for him. Is there anything I can do? Or do I 'cut my losses', as some people have said?
Hello,
That is a tough call... My boyfriend and I live 500 miles apart and he's in the US and I'm in Canada... we've gone back and forth for over 2 years..... Last year his drug use once again started than got worse by this past September... Than it was far worse by November when he went on a 3 day binge.. I thought he was dead..... He went to out-patient treatment and came here for New Years... We didn't have our usual great time.. I guess alot of that was my fault being what had been happening the months before..... Than I flew down there and he never met my plane...... He was out using..... Needless to say I was shocked and had to call home from there and tell my mom what had happened...... His usage continued really bad through the month of January..... He considered suicide..... He was hitting his bottom....... He stayed clean for a week while he waited to get into in-patient treatment...... He was there for 30 days... He got out last Monday...... This time he met someone there who came in to do meetings..... This place was hard core..... And he still wasn't, thank god...... He's gone to meetings each and everyday and the man he met is his sponsor... He's got almost 10 years clean and their stories are so alike..... My boyfriend is so into the 12 step program.. He is at 37 days clean..... He counts his clean time from the time he started thinking clearly........ Not the day he stopped using...... He truly believes this man saved his life..... While in the center, his Father also died..... He left to see him his last day and be there when he died..... Than went right back to the center..... Left for his Dad's funeral than went right back that day also...... He is coming here in 2 days and we've talked about the mistakes of our last visit..... He feels so good now..... He said he can't imagine using again...... but he also know's he has very little clean time and also needs to see how he handles other difficult situations...... But as for today, he has embraced his recovery and is following it to the letter... His way was no way... He's now with people who know the way......
Boy I'm sorry this is so long...... You are in your 50's..... i am in my 40's...... I understand what your going through though..... I feel very bad for you..... Until you are in this situation, you have no clue about it..... Do not listen to those telling you to leave this man...... The choice is yours and yours alone..... Not many people at this point like my boyfriend who is such an awesome person other than the drugs..... But that is their decision........ I Love him and root for him each day to get better... If only for himself.....
I would suggest you get the book,,,,,, Co-Dependent No More.. It's by Melanie Beattie... It teaches you to let go of the problem.. Not neccesarily the person you Love..... Just the things about them you don't like I gues.......
Take care..... And remember, only listen to yourself..... you know yourself better than anyone..... You know what limits you can handle.......
That is a tough call... My boyfriend and I live 500 miles apart and he's in the US and I'm in Canada... we've gone back and forth for over 2 years..... Last year his drug use once again started than got worse by this past September... Than it was far worse by November when he went on a 3 day binge.. I thought he was dead..... He went to out-patient treatment and came here for New Years... We didn't have our usual great time.. I guess alot of that was my fault being what had been happening the months before..... Than I flew down there and he never met my plane...... He was out using..... Needless to say I was shocked and had to call home from there and tell my mom what had happened...... His usage continued really bad through the month of January..... He considered suicide..... He was hitting his bottom....... He stayed clean for a week while he waited to get into in-patient treatment...... He was there for 30 days... He got out last Monday...... This time he met someone there who came in to do meetings..... This place was hard core..... And he still wasn't, thank god...... He's gone to meetings each and everyday and the man he met is his sponsor... He's got almost 10 years clean and their stories are so alike..... My boyfriend is so into the 12 step program.. He is at 37 days clean..... He counts his clean time from the time he started thinking clearly........ Not the day he stopped using...... He truly believes this man saved his life..... While in the center, his Father also died..... He left to see him his last day and be there when he died..... Than went right back to the center..... Left for his Dad's funeral than went right back that day also...... He is coming here in 2 days and we've talked about the mistakes of our last visit..... He feels so good now..... He said he can't imagine using again...... but he also know's he has very little clean time and also needs to see how he handles other difficult situations...... But as for today, he has embraced his recovery and is following it to the letter... His way was no way... He's now with people who know the way......
Boy I'm sorry this is so long...... You are in your 50's..... i am in my 40's...... I understand what your going through though..... I feel very bad for you..... Until you are in this situation, you have no clue about it..... Do not listen to those telling you to leave this man...... The choice is yours and yours alone..... Not many people at this point like my boyfriend who is such an awesome person other than the drugs..... But that is their decision........ I Love him and root for him each day to get better... If only for himself.....
I would suggest you get the book,,,,,, Co-Dependent No More.. It's by Melanie Beattie... It teaches you to let go of the problem.. Not neccesarily the person you Love..... Just the things about them you don't like I gues.......
Take care..... And remember, only listen to yourself..... you know yourself better than anyone..... You know what limits you can handle.......
Thanks for the advice, Guest_goingnuts. Since my posting, my boyfriend has entered treatment, and is presently in isolation. I looked for the book you suggested and neither the bookstore nor the library here have it. I have ordered it on-line, and am anxious to start reading it. As no contact can be made with him while he is in isolation, can anyone explain to me what happens now? Is there a standard length of time to be in isolation, or is every situation unique? Why is it important to not have any contact with family and friends? Thanks.
Hey, Awesome he is in treatment..... they do not allow contact being they don't know who these people are..... They could be dealers..... My boyfriend when he went in thought he could call me anytime... And I didn't hear from him for almost a week..... And for the month he was in there, I talked to him twice a week..... They also don't know for sure about his relationship status and whether it could trigger a relapse......
I am so glad you ordered that book..... It did me wonders..... I Love my boyfriend very much and hate the disease... This book teaches you to do that... Support him but take care of yourself.....
Please let me know how you are doing..... You might hear from him in a few days... Or maybe not at all..... Take care of you during this time.... He might have no privleges the entire time he's in there... My boyfriends father died while he was in there and went home the day he died to be with him than went to the funeral and right back to rehab by 6 pm..... Even with his death, he is doing great.. And is coming to see me tommorow night..... We are both excited... He says he more being he can't believe from 500 miles away I stuck around...... Love does that though.......
Take Care... Hope your doing better today.......
I am so glad you ordered that book..... It did me wonders..... I Love my boyfriend very much and hate the disease... This book teaches you to do that... Support him but take care of yourself.....
Please let me know how you are doing..... You might hear from him in a few days... Or maybe not at all..... Take care of you during this time.... He might have no privleges the entire time he's in there... My boyfriends father died while he was in there and went home the day he died to be with him than went to the funeral and right back to rehab by 6 pm..... Even with his death, he is doing great.. And is coming to see me tommorow night..... We are both excited... He says he more being he can't believe from 500 miles away I stuck around...... Love does that though.......
Take Care... Hope your doing better today.......
Hi again...Well, my boyfriend spent the last two weeks in isolation in rehab. I couldn't receive any phone calls, but he did e-mail me once or twice a day, professing his love for me and how we were meant to be together. Till last Friday, that is. Saturday and Sunday nothing, which I though was funny, but did not concern me too much, considering where he was. Monday night he called me. He checked himself out of Rehab, moved in with another woman and informed me he was 'moving on'. Was puffing away on his pipe while he was talking to me, with the 'woman' in the background. Guess that says it all. My question is, if you are in isolation in Rehab, can you check yourself out??? I'm devastated.
Count your blessings!
You could have lost everything, including your life.
Time for you to move on as well. :O)
You could have lost everything, including your life.
Time for you to move on as well. :O)
WOW... I am sorry...... I guess he can being an adult...... He wasn't ready I guess..... That is sad..... I hope your ok...... Now that he's with another woman and back using, I would just try to forget him and get your life back.......I do find it strange he was able to email you 2 times a day though.. My boyfriend never used a computer..... Only 2 calls a week.......
He is doing great so far.....
Again I hope your ok...... Let us know...... And I'm sorry this happened.....
He is doing great so far.....
Again I hope your ok...... Let us know...... And I'm sorry this happened.....
Dear Blindsided;
I originally read your initial post when you first posted it.
I was going to reply and say "run away while you can. Run far and run fast and put as much space between him and yourself as possible"
But I didn't because that wasn't what you wanted to hear at the time, and as an adult you have to decide that for yourself. I have no place to tell you what to do.
I have seen crack take many people down and their life and almost (if not totally) everything they once owned or cared about. The drug is THAT seductive. When a crack addict gives up everything for their addiction, anyone who is trying to hold onto them , for example family, children, friends goes with them or gets left behind to clean up the mess and try not to lose everything they have, including their home and belongings.
Your wanting to stick with him and help him was noble and admirable given that love is supposed to be unconditional.
But as Toughlove said.....Thank God you found out before it was too late to save yourself, on every level, emotional, physical, financial, spiritual....
Move on with your life, be gentle and kind to yourself. Don't settle for less than.. your true love is out there somewhere..
I also wanted to tell you about a website with alot of information that you may or may not wish to read.
http://cocaine.org/
and also you may want to do a web search for Alanon which is a support group for people affected by someone elses addiction.
Be safe....
I originally read your initial post when you first posted it.
I was going to reply and say "run away while you can. Run far and run fast and put as much space between him and yourself as possible"
But I didn't because that wasn't what you wanted to hear at the time, and as an adult you have to decide that for yourself. I have no place to tell you what to do.
I have seen crack take many people down and their life and almost (if not totally) everything they once owned or cared about. The drug is THAT seductive. When a crack addict gives up everything for their addiction, anyone who is trying to hold onto them , for example family, children, friends goes with them or gets left behind to clean up the mess and try not to lose everything they have, including their home and belongings.
Your wanting to stick with him and help him was noble and admirable given that love is supposed to be unconditional.
But as Toughlove said.....Thank God you found out before it was too late to save yourself, on every level, emotional, physical, financial, spiritual....
Move on with your life, be gentle and kind to yourself. Don't settle for less than.. your true love is out there somewhere..
I also wanted to tell you about a website with alot of information that you may or may not wish to read.
http://cocaine.org/
and also you may want to do a web search for Alanon which is a support group for people affected by someone elses addiction.
Be safe....
Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support. I shall be doing the readings, and looking for the support group. I am hoping it will help with the pain and disbelief of what has happened, and help me understand a few things so I can put them to rest. Thank's again. This is a great site!!! Good luck to you all.
