I quit smoking a year and a half ago. This morning I gassed up the car at the station that sells single cigarettes. It wasn't an accident. There are two other gas stations I could have gone to. I smoked half the thing in the car, got an enormous head rush and then baptized a ditch by old NC 86 with my breakfast.
I know it goes in the same pattern for me always -- cigarettes, pot, opiates. I've cut off my sources. I've never felt that relapse was a possibility in an immediate sense (though I know it's perfectly possible to be 15 years along and still fall back into addiction and I accept that I am not unique), but I haven't been stressed quite this way since I quit.
I see Dr. M today as usual. I have yoga. I have a printout of local meetings -- I haven't been since we were in Auckland this summer.
I know what triggered me. My soon-to-be ex-husband was nicer to me last night than he has been in over six months. The divorce sounds like it might go over like a breeze. I'm trying to sabotage myself. Addiction to a relationship is like an addiction to anything else. You want to get away from the current tension by going back to what worked before. It feels IDENTICAL.
I know I need to nip this one in the bud because the speed and lack of conscious thought that went into acquiring and smoking that cigarette startled me.
Thanks for listening.
Gina
For the folks who are trying to quit (DeNae), I'm really proud of you and I hope this doesn't trigger you. Trust me, it's not worth it. There's nothing like public vomiting to make you feel a total git.
Gina,im so sorry for the rough time youre going through.You seem to be handleing things quite well,considering.So...you smoked half a cig,you got sick,you wont do it again(im assuming)it was probably just a quick pressure releaser.You released the pressure,now youre good to go!Ready to deal with life on "your" terms.
Stay strong,you have all the knowledge.Go back to the meetings or whatever it is/was that has gotten you through before.You need it now more than ever.Youre doing everything possible right now to keep yourself in check.Thats all anyone can do.Youre rightmyoure not unique,it happens to the best of us.dont let this get you too upset,you are right where you need to be.
Glad to see you back(i think you and i joined this board right around the same time?)Your wisdom,and punctuation corrections have been missed greatly,lol.Best wishes for you in the coming months!~KIM
Stay strong,you have all the knowledge.Go back to the meetings or whatever it is/was that has gotten you through before.You need it now more than ever.Youre doing everything possible right now to keep yourself in check.Thats all anyone can do.Youre rightmyoure not unique,it happens to the best of us.dont let this get you too upset,you are right where you need to be.
Glad to see you back(i think you and i joined this board right around the same time?)Your wisdom,and punctuation corrections have been missed greatly,lol.Best wishes for you in the coming months!~KIM
I have been smoke free for over 60 days and used the patch to help me. I have not had too many stressors YET to challenge the theory whether I could stand up to a cig at this point. You have amazing insight on what happened and have to keep moving forward. Staying smoke free as long as you have you have defnitely done something right!!
Carol
Carol
OMG! You poor thing, throwing up on the side of the road. Bet you don't try it again! Once something causes me to throw up, I usually don't have a hard time staying away from it in the future.
I have never heard of or seen a store sell single cigarettes. That is wrong, just wrong. It's designed specifically for people like you, people who have quit, or are trying to quit, and don't want to buy an entire pack. They want to lure you back in by allowing you to purchase one at a time. Who else would buy just one?
Hope you feel better today, and enjoy your other planned activities.
Who else would buy just one?
Poor people. Homeless people.
Poor people. Homeless people.
Thanks, ladies.
Yes, Kim. It's all about tension release. Allan hasn't even made eye contact with me in over a month and suddenly he's agreeable and showed up naked out of the shower this morning. I need to hit goodvibes.com. I know how to take care of business.
(And Tim, about that post you made the other day to me -- you can say I told you so now, though at the time I didn't even know what you were talking about. Forget ear nibbling and wine, all he had to do was agree to a couple of requests re the settlement and I start to cave. Very cheap.)
Tropical, Thank you for reminding me! I've still got a box of nicotine inhalers and I'll use that next time.
Carol, I never thought about the single cigarette selling before like that -- as a bait to the susceptible. The only thing... The Only Thing... I have to hang any ragged tatters of vanity on after tossing my cookies in full view of the morning rush hour is that I was such a mess this morning, they carded me before they'd sell me the cigarette. Thank God there's a stomach bug rampaging through the public schools here -- and I tell you all now, if the principal saw me puking, I'm going to lie to her about why.
Gina-I'm proud of you.I know I sound redundant since I already talked to you this morning but I want you know what an important step this is.
Our patterns are almost identical except for the pot.I just went straight for the pills.
What's really important here is how fast you disclosed it.You know what's happening and it's not being stored as another secret.
This is totally normal.You're going through some real heavy stuff right now.The only knee jerk response for a recovering addict is to medicate.Even if you're clean you want something to give you comfort.Food,sex,cigarettes,shopping,gambling....something.I still do when I'm stressed out.
Coming to the realization that you need to get your butt to a meeting tonight is awesome.You are doing everything right.
Process this sh*t to death if you need to.
It will keep all that garbage in the front of your brain instead of getting stored in the back.Once it's back there,using alcohol and drugs becomes really easy.
Good Job,Gina
Our patterns are almost identical except for the pot.I just went straight for the pills.
What's really important here is how fast you disclosed it.You know what's happening and it's not being stored as another secret.
This is totally normal.You're going through some real heavy stuff right now.The only knee jerk response for a recovering addict is to medicate.Even if you're clean you want something to give you comfort.Food,sex,cigarettes,shopping,gambling....something.I still do when I'm stressed out.
Coming to the realization that you need to get your butt to a meeting tonight is awesome.You are doing everything right.
Process this sh*t to death if you need to.
It will keep all that garbage in the front of your brain instead of getting stored in the back.Once it's back there,using alcohol and drugs becomes really easy.
Good Job,Gina
Gina, you didn't trigger me. Not at all. I still have friends that smoke, and I refuse to be one of those people who cut off my smoking friends. LOL, but that doesn't mean I want to take long car rides with them either. Or have dinner with them. (or sex, for that matter. LMAO j/k) You know, all those wonderful things that go hand in hand with a Marlboro Light.
I'm sorry you got sick, but not really. LOL, Nothing curbs a craving like tossing your cookies.
Slap on a patch or chew some gum and avoid those stores. Call me the next time you are tempted. I'll read you an exerpt from War and Peace. That ought to put you right to sleep. LOL
I'm off to the craft store.
Love,
DeNae
Gina...how you manage to inject humor into the most difficult(gross) situations is beyond me. You should be a writer....seriously. If I smoked one I would hurl as well...once you quit for awhile it is disgusting...good for you and DeNae...smoking is BAD.BAD, BAD......My BF has found out he has the beginnings of emphysema and it pisses me off. I have been nagging him for years and last year he quit. But he did not get away unscathed. Have a good day my witty friend. Love, S
Actually in nevada selling cigs like that is illegal, too much profit off cigs. so they say. I used to go into small stores and see a single one for sale but have not for a long time, never see it here in oregon.
Carol
Carol
I've heard they sell them like that in Ft Lauderdale but haven't actually seen them. I'm a good addict. I bought by the carton.
Hi Gina,
Beware single cigarettes and and soon-to-be ex's. LMAO on how "cheap" you are. I do know the feeling though. A little crumb of civility and we think the world has changed. Some decency and we just forget all the pain and deception. I have so been there. Fell for it and bought the deck of cards too.
Hang on to what you KNOW. Don't let that slip. It really metters that you do this right now. You're doing better then you think, I think. You shine as always!
Love you, Beck
Beware single cigarettes and and soon-to-be ex's. LMAO on how "cheap" you are. I do know the feeling though. A little crumb of civility and we think the world has changed. Some decency and we just forget all the pain and deception. I have so been there. Fell for it and bought the deck of cards too.
Hang on to what you KNOW. Don't let that slip. It really metters that you do this right now. You're doing better then you think, I think. You shine as always!
Love you, Beck
Who else would buy just one?
Poor people. Homeless people................. I really don't think that Carol was going down this road, honestly. She made a very valid point how easy it is for people who quit just to buy just one and then get hooked again. No one here is talking about economics, just addict thinking. Can you imagine if you could go into a pharmacy and buy just one pain pill?
Gina..... yes, I agree with sharonn, you should be a writer!
Poor people. Homeless people................. I really don't think that Carol was going down this road, honestly. She made a very valid point how easy it is for people who quit just to buy just one and then get hooked again. No one here is talking about economics, just addict thinking. Can you imagine if you could go into a pharmacy and buy just one pain pill?
Gina..... yes, I agree with sharonn, you should be a writer!
This cigarette story wouldn't alarm me in the least if it weren't coming from you.
I remember you telling me what would likely happen if you started smoking again.
Avoid that gas station.
Pick up the phone. (I promise not to make obvious smoking noises, lol)
As far as everything else goes, don't you think those men know us by now?
They know what to say and do to be in our good graces, regardless of what they've done. Don't you suspect that perhaps Allan knew you could use some eye contact this past month? So why now? It's worth considering, anyway.
It's easier not to stay on our toes but it will hurt us in the long run.
Love you, Kat
xxxxxooooo
(psst, Gina is a writer)
I remember you telling me what would likely happen if you started smoking again.
Avoid that gas station.
Pick up the phone. (I promise not to make obvious smoking noises, lol)
As far as everything else goes, don't you think those men know us by now?
They know what to say and do to be in our good graces, regardless of what they've done. Don't you suspect that perhaps Allan knew you could use some eye contact this past month? So why now? It's worth considering, anyway.
It's easier not to stay on our toes but it will hurt us in the long run.
Love you, Kat
xxxxxooooo
(psst, Gina is a writer)
LMAO! Kat, I have been wanting to say that,,,,,,,,,,,that Gina IS a writer, but not sure if it was OK, or not. So, since you did, I guess it is OK.
OFCOURSE SHE IS A WRITER! Words flow from her like water, and they are as refreshing to read.
Lol, Carol, I debated in my head for about a minute whether to say it or not.
I've read some of her stuff and even if her name hadn't been on it, I would have known it was Gina.
xxxxxooooo
I've read some of her stuff and even if her name hadn't been on it, I would have known it was Gina.
xxxxxooooo
Gina, can I have an autographed copy of whatever you wrote?
You are one of the most eloquent writers I have ever met. With grace and class...and humor.
You WILL be okay. You can ride through this without repeating the past. Disclosure keeps the disease away.....( I know you love that dot dot dot.....I just couldn't help myself. ;0)
Sending out good vibes your way.
*good morning Shabee and Carol*
You are one of the most eloquent writers I have ever met. With grace and class...and humor.
You WILL be okay. You can ride through this without repeating the past. Disclosure keeps the disease away.....( I know you love that dot dot dot.....I just couldn't help myself. ;0)
Sending out good vibes your way.
*good morning Shabee and Carol*
Yes...so happy that you "told on yourself" see....you know how nasty that tobacco is....yuck..spit.....blachhhh....
I know the feeling you are talking about....I have had them several times over my past attempts at quitting....you caught it! yeah!
Hope you feeling better....at least you got to get a little taste of what your NOT missing!!
I know the feeling you are talking about....I have had them several times over my past attempts at quitting....you caught it! yeah!
Hope you feeling better....at least you got to get a little taste of what your NOT missing!!
Goos morning Kerry!! How's it going in paradise?
I live in NC, where tobacco is King. You can buy a pack for under four bucks, less for the off-brands. One of the boys schools grew tobacco and cotton in their experimental plot on the school grounds as part of a state heritage project. They had to fence the tobacco plants off because they are so high-nicotine now that even running a hand over a live leaf can make a small child quite ill.
Kat, I told you that way back in the early months because I knew youd remember and catch me up short if I started to slide. Cigarettes are the thin end of the wedge. And no, it hadnt occurred to me that Allan was trying something. Dr. M asked me if I had been inappropriately seductive. Who knows? Do I understand men? Dr. M is a man. I should go back to my last therapist who is a lesbian.
Beck, I suddenly feel like I dont know what I know. What if Im wrong? Ive been with him so long and my perceptions are questionable. I think you know what thats like. Im going to have to depend on my girls for reality checks. After I found out about that paternity test I didnt think Id ever have any warm feelings for him again and it took so little to suck me back in. If we hadnt been in the middle of the hale and farewell of getting the boys off to school, when he appeared in all his glory, I dont know what would have happened. Im such a chump. And a sex maniac. No impulse control. Inappropriately seductive. Attention-seeking. No internal censor. LOL, feel free to stop me anytime... When its a question of emotional intelligence, Im backward.
I cannot cannot cannot f*** this up. If I start using now, in the middle of a divorce, I will lose the children and rightfully so
DeNae, Im really sorry. I broke a promise to you. We promised wed call before we did anything like smoke or use. You have no idea the excuses I made up. I forgot my cell phone, I really needed gas. You were in the middle of getting the girls to school. I didnt think I was going to do it until the cigarette was in my hand, but in retrospect, of course thats bulls***. Itll have to be War & Peace in Russian, though. I quite liked the translation I read. Read me stock quotes or theoretical mathematics the sort that has more Greek letters than numbers in the equations.
Sharonn, They say that anger turned inward is suicide, anger turned sideways is comedy. Its my defense mechanism. The more pissed-off I get, the more jokes pop into my head. Its the way I used to protect myself from my parents. I must be really angry. Id better work on that. After all, anger turned outward is homicide and dont think I havent fantasized about the blunt instrument, the garrote, running him over with the car, reversing and doing it again, Lucrezia Borgia. Well, maybe not. Poisoning isnt honorable. IM ONLY JOKING. (Theres no dishonor in poisoning.) LOL
Thank you, Carol. Though, its only refreshing if its a glassful and not the Great Flood. Im sorry for inundating all of you.
Kerri, You are too good to me. Youve always been there with a kind word, the gift of your experience, and a delightful sense of humor. I think Im going to need a lot of advice from single mothers like yourself. I have never known how you do it. I guess Im going to find out. Complimenting me on writing is like complimenting me on breathing. Its what I do. But I appreciate any positive words now. Ive lived in a black hole here with my husband. We never have a good word for each other. Its miserable. Dont let Kat mislead you about the published stuff of mine shes seen. I only let her see the best. Ive also written crap. Ive written copy for catalogs, ads, in-flight magazines, programs for community light opera. Its not high art. (The ad agency stint was fun though. We did a campaign for The Wherehouse and afterward we all spoofed our work for The Whorehouse).
Anyway, were all writers on this board thats self-evident. If we were talkers, wed be in therapy or group or meetings, call-in radio shows, hotlines. We all write here. I hope I've never corrected anyones punctuation (I adore the elliptical period I use it often, LOLOLOL). My punctuation is highly imperfect and Ive never known what to do with a semi-colon except ignore its existence. Thats what editors are for though I have to say, Im seldom edited for punctuation, spelling or vocabulary, but am frequently edited for length . LOL
Love,
Gina
Hey Kee Kee, How sick is this? I still want a fag. I'm going to get my nicotine inhaler. Addiction sucks the sweat off a dead man's back.
Kat, I told you that way back in the early months because I knew youd remember and catch me up short if I started to slide. Cigarettes are the thin end of the wedge. And no, it hadnt occurred to me that Allan was trying something. Dr. M asked me if I had been inappropriately seductive. Who knows? Do I understand men? Dr. M is a man. I should go back to my last therapist who is a lesbian.
Beck, I suddenly feel like I dont know what I know. What if Im wrong? Ive been with him so long and my perceptions are questionable. I think you know what thats like. Im going to have to depend on my girls for reality checks. After I found out about that paternity test I didnt think Id ever have any warm feelings for him again and it took so little to suck me back in. If we hadnt been in the middle of the hale and farewell of getting the boys off to school, when he appeared in all his glory, I dont know what would have happened. Im such a chump. And a sex maniac. No impulse control. Inappropriately seductive. Attention-seeking. No internal censor. LOL, feel free to stop me anytime... When its a question of emotional intelligence, Im backward.
I cannot cannot cannot f*** this up. If I start using now, in the middle of a divorce, I will lose the children and rightfully so
DeNae, Im really sorry. I broke a promise to you. We promised wed call before we did anything like smoke or use. You have no idea the excuses I made up. I forgot my cell phone, I really needed gas. You were in the middle of getting the girls to school. I didnt think I was going to do it until the cigarette was in my hand, but in retrospect, of course thats bulls***. Itll have to be War & Peace in Russian, though. I quite liked the translation I read. Read me stock quotes or theoretical mathematics the sort that has more Greek letters than numbers in the equations.
Sharonn, They say that anger turned inward is suicide, anger turned sideways is comedy. Its my defense mechanism. The more pissed-off I get, the more jokes pop into my head. Its the way I used to protect myself from my parents. I must be really angry. Id better work on that. After all, anger turned outward is homicide and dont think I havent fantasized about the blunt instrument, the garrote, running him over with the car, reversing and doing it again, Lucrezia Borgia. Well, maybe not. Poisoning isnt honorable. IM ONLY JOKING. (Theres no dishonor in poisoning.) LOL
Thank you, Carol. Though, its only refreshing if its a glassful and not the Great Flood. Im sorry for inundating all of you.
Kerri, You are too good to me. Youve always been there with a kind word, the gift of your experience, and a delightful sense of humor. I think Im going to need a lot of advice from single mothers like yourself. I have never known how you do it. I guess Im going to find out. Complimenting me on writing is like complimenting me on breathing. Its what I do. But I appreciate any positive words now. Ive lived in a black hole here with my husband. We never have a good word for each other. Its miserable. Dont let Kat mislead you about the published stuff of mine shes seen. I only let her see the best. Ive also written crap. Ive written copy for catalogs, ads, in-flight magazines, programs for community light opera. Its not high art. (The ad agency stint was fun though. We did a campaign for The Wherehouse and afterward we all spoofed our work for The Whorehouse).
Anyway, were all writers on this board thats self-evident. If we were talkers, wed be in therapy or group or meetings, call-in radio shows, hotlines. We all write here. I hope I've never corrected anyones punctuation (I adore the elliptical period I use it often, LOLOLOL). My punctuation is highly imperfect and Ive never known what to do with a semi-colon except ignore its existence. Thats what editors are for though I have to say, Im seldom edited for punctuation, spelling or vocabulary, but am frequently edited for length . LOL
Love,
Gina
Hey Kee Kee, How sick is this? I still want a fag. I'm going to get my nicotine inhaler. Addiction sucks the sweat off a dead man's back.