Hey all; a few weeks ago, I posted about if it was time for an intervention for my boyfriend.
Well, it happened.
The situation is probably the most complicated one; as there is me and the other woman involved. See as a part of his alcoholism (I believe), he began a relationship with another woman and then proceeded to be in limbo about deciding about who we wanted to have his his life. I put up boundaries; so did she and through his lies and manipulation associated with this disease; both of us broke down.
The other woman had contacted me on his phone stating how "sick he is" and that I need to stop enabling his behavior. Point taken; and thrown right back at her; he managed to find two enablers in his life; lucky SOB. I mentioned in passing that perhaps the intervention was the place to take this. We agreed that we'd give it some thought and proceed with caution; getting his parents involved. But maybe there was another way before intervention because we weren't in crisis mode; but still needed to move quickly. She took control. Instead of waiting; she picked a fight with him and then went into crisis mode and less than 24 hours later; we had an intervention on our hands. She, along with his parents sat all day on Sunday talking with the treatment center, counselors and interventionist while the other told me to just watch him and she would tell me what to do He wasn't a flight risk and hadn't been drinking in over 24 hours. Regardless; the point was to get him the help that he needed.
So we did and he recognized he needed help and went to treatment; and that's where he is today.
I should feel a sense of relief right? Why don't I? He's wanting to be there and wanting to do the work; yet I'm still anxious.
I don't know my role in this recovery process. I mean I know what it is if there wasn't another woman involved; but there is so I have no clue. I visited him; he introduced me as his girlfriend. I bet she'll visit to and he'll do the same. But the guys know what's going on and know that a source and trigger for his drinking was not being able to be certain in what he wanted (me and our dog) or this other woman. He's been the talk of the unit from what he's said.
And when I tried to talk to him about it this week (because he opened the door); he immediately told me that I need to back off on expressing my feelings on that because he isn't ready to process that yet. Which I can respect; yet; this alcoholism has already made me walk on egg shells with my feelings around him; i just thought that in recovery; I wouldn't have to.
I will be attending an al-anon meeting tomorrow. I have clear boundaries already set. Yet the elephant in the room is where is he going at the end of this. And that makes me anxious. Because for me; I have no worries about the recovery process; I know he will suceed; i know there's a risk of relapse but I know he is putting the work into himself; the ultimate goal. For me the worries are bigger and that scares me.
It will be a journey; I'm so excited for him. I wish I could say I'm excited for us (as a couple) but I know I can be excited for myself either way as I will be gaining tools to stop being the enabler in his life; whether I'm in it or out of it.
Also; side note; its so hard having your best friend; who talks toy through your problems and be a support for you not being there all of a sudden because he need to work on himself. Because even through this disease; while I couldn't count on him to be present or responsible with tangible things; he still always was there to listen (it's just he never knew how to handle those emotions that he felt; and then he escaped in booze and the affair).
Hi,
How are you?
I think it's wonderful that you helped this man.
In regards to the relationship, it might be best if you back totally away from him. If he is sick, it will take a long time to become well. In the meantime, go have FUN! Date, and pursue your dreams. If he is meant to be a part of your dream, it will happen in due time, when he is well, and you are happy
God Bless you sweetheart
How are you?
I think it's wonderful that you helped this man.
In regards to the relationship, it might be best if you back totally away from him. If he is sick, it will take a long time to become well. In the meantime, go have FUN! Date, and pursue your dreams. If he is meant to be a part of your dream, it will happen in due time, when he is well, and you are happy
God Bless you sweetheart
This has been the most difficult week of my whole 11 years with an alcoholic. He came home from treatment early because he slipped and drank. Now he's back "home" doing day treatment.
I came to my breaking point this week because the affair that was going on for the past 2 years...or love triangle if you will, wasn't going anywhere but back to what it was like before treatment.
I was naive to believe that he'd miraculously decide which woman he wanted to be with and he'd come come home and life would be peachy. But he drank his second day back home, convinced both her and I separately that he want to be with each of us and then had his family telling him to leave us both and get to sober housing. The back and forth and up and down and all of us focusing on the wrong thing caused me to break and tell him I was done. I asked him to move every thing out (because he lived with me). I have major guilt right now because this phase of recovery huge life events shouldn't take place-major upheavals for anyone isn't good because you don't even know who you are with this new found sobriety.
I wish I could have given him more patience but mine was running thin...and the fact that he still had two women in his life during treatment and now was sick and everyone was allowing it. We may have stopped enabling his drinking but we still enabled in other ways.
He claims he's finding sober housing, how bad is it that I don't believe him. I know he is staying with her-that was one of my bottom lines-if he spent one night with her when he came back, I was done. And his drinking this week...he told me he was so stressed by the pressure to figure out where to live. He also asked me to lie about it if his day treatment case manager called and asked about it. i told him no, it made me question everything I thought I knew about recovery. It's like this week was the straw that broke the camels back, but i also feel like this week is when I needed to be the most patient and I just couldn't be anymore.
Feeling so conflicted in this all, I know we couldn't live like we were living I just don't know if I pulled the plug too early in recovery before seeing what really unfolded. I guess knowing he was living someplace else but his stuff at our and not knowing if he'd ever return, I just needed him and it out so I could focus on me and what really it is that I need. I feel like I shut the door too early, but maybe the thing is I didn't shut it early enough and now there was nothing left to do but walk away.
It's been a whirlwind past few days and I regret ending things so early in his recovery; I have more patience today than I did 3 days ago, but he's already moved out and there isn't any turning back now.
I came to my breaking point this week because the affair that was going on for the past 2 years...or love triangle if you will, wasn't going anywhere but back to what it was like before treatment.
I was naive to believe that he'd miraculously decide which woman he wanted to be with and he'd come come home and life would be peachy. But he drank his second day back home, convinced both her and I separately that he want to be with each of us and then had his family telling him to leave us both and get to sober housing. The back and forth and up and down and all of us focusing on the wrong thing caused me to break and tell him I was done. I asked him to move every thing out (because he lived with me). I have major guilt right now because this phase of recovery huge life events shouldn't take place-major upheavals for anyone isn't good because you don't even know who you are with this new found sobriety.
I wish I could have given him more patience but mine was running thin...and the fact that he still had two women in his life during treatment and now was sick and everyone was allowing it. We may have stopped enabling his drinking but we still enabled in other ways.
He claims he's finding sober housing, how bad is it that I don't believe him. I know he is staying with her-that was one of my bottom lines-if he spent one night with her when he came back, I was done. And his drinking this week...he told me he was so stressed by the pressure to figure out where to live. He also asked me to lie about it if his day treatment case manager called and asked about it. i told him no, it made me question everything I thought I knew about recovery. It's like this week was the straw that broke the camels back, but i also feel like this week is when I needed to be the most patient and I just couldn't be anymore.
Feeling so conflicted in this all, I know we couldn't live like we were living I just don't know if I pulled the plug too early in recovery before seeing what really unfolded. I guess knowing he was living someplace else but his stuff at our and not knowing if he'd ever return, I just needed him and it out so I could focus on me and what really it is that I need. I feel like I shut the door too early, but maybe the thing is I didn't shut it early enough and now there was nothing left to do but walk away.
It's been a whirlwind past few days and I regret ending things so early in his recovery; I have more patience today than I did 3 days ago, but he's already moved out and there isn't any turning back now.
