Hey all,
Wondering if I could get some opinions.
Here's the current situation....my X is more or less clean - some days its more and some days its less! I know that in itself is not a good situation. He claims.... actually he does nt really claim any usage up front but that the only reason his life is "unstructured" is because he is not working and getting constantly turned down for jobs so he is bored and peniless and feeling very low about himself.
Yesterday he was made a job offer and starts working Monday, he feels this is just what he needs to start picking up the pieces of his life. I however feel that unless he works through all the drug stuff job or no job it does nt matter that much he is just a walking explosion waiting to happen. But I am willing to consider I could be wrong. My father in law called me last night and begged me to do something I just did nt want to do in the first place - but I cant seem to say no to this man because every time I speak to him I know his pain is like mine only most likely 10 times worst.
He wanted me to have a pep talk with X husband about how he has got to hold on to this job with every fiber of his being as this may just be his last chance to stay on course. This is nothing I want to do, because I gave up breathing down his neck a long time ago, I just think it agravates me more than it motivates him. But I did it......cause who knows if he might listen this time.....and it seems to help out my father in law. X father in law.
Now he calls me a few minutes ago with another idea - use this last weekend before he starts work on Monday to get a group of friends and family and do a sort of intervention where everyone in his life tells him this is "his last chance" and I suppose - we're all watching you.
Oh and another little detail - I have to organize everything and get everyone together......next thing I know I'll also be expected to provide food and drink!!!!!!! Seriously though my question is this......is it worth it? or will it just agravate and humiliate him the weekend before his all important day first day at work practically in 3 years? I mean how would you all feel? Have any of you ever been involved in something like this and did it help you - or is it better to just leave him be, let him figure out how important this is to him? Get him to work and who knows - he may find the motivation to start going back to his doctors appointments and stay sober?
Any opinioons would really be welcome so please get back to me.....
Morning Charly,
Not sure how your ex would take this, what do you think his reaction would be.....
I have to wonder sometimes if they are close ( like teetering on the edge), and yet they still have that stupid thinking that they are worth s***, just an addict and that messes a lot of the thought process. I do think that some just need something to go in a good way to get them to really start to understand what they might be missing in life, what they might need other than drugs to make the day have purpose. A job, that responsibility might be a tiny step in the right direction especially if things go good.
Interventions scare me as so many lines are drawn, and if everyone doesn't stay on the same page the message sent is not a good one and interfamily tumoil will create more pain for everyone involved. Has his father ever considered taking his son out for the day and just spending the time talking to him about everything not just drugs.
I am sure the whole family is torn apart with this. If there is a lot of desperation I would be so worried. Desperate people make desperate decisions one that are in the moment, not something easily held on to in the long term.
Not sure how you became the planner but I say whoever the idea came from gets to pull it all together....Do you even want to be there, involved like this and hell what do you think and do you think the time is even worth it.....
Be good to you,
Love,
Tina
Not sure how your ex would take this, what do you think his reaction would be.....
I have to wonder sometimes if they are close ( like teetering on the edge), and yet they still have that stupid thinking that they are worth s***, just an addict and that messes a lot of the thought process. I do think that some just need something to go in a good way to get them to really start to understand what they might be missing in life, what they might need other than drugs to make the day have purpose. A job, that responsibility might be a tiny step in the right direction especially if things go good.
Interventions scare me as so many lines are drawn, and if everyone doesn't stay on the same page the message sent is not a good one and interfamily tumoil will create more pain for everyone involved. Has his father ever considered taking his son out for the day and just spending the time talking to him about everything not just drugs.
I am sure the whole family is torn apart with this. If there is a lot of desperation I would be so worried. Desperate people make desperate decisions one that are in the moment, not something easily held on to in the long term.
Not sure how you became the planner but I say whoever the idea came from gets to pull it all together....Do you even want to be there, involved like this and hell what do you think and do you think the time is even worth it.....
Be good to you,
Love,
Tina
Morning Tina,
My feelings on this? I have red flags flying all over the place!!!! My mind is screaming NO, NO, NO!
1. I dont know how to make it much clearer to my father in law that it simply is no longer my place to make sure the X eats breakfast lunch and dinner, or that he washes behind his ears, to have any say in who his friends are or what he does with his time, its no longer my place to nag him, to question him or demand anything of him.
2. Personally, I had plans this weekend.....
3. I think if the X has not yet internalized how important it is and that he needs to take care of himself.....then a group of friends and loved ones telling him he is a failure (cause I know thats how he hears it - at least thats what he tells me he hears when I talk to him) is only going to agravate and frighten him.....he may just think "why even bother, if no one believes in me"
4. If he has not figured it out yet than perhaps the only thing to do is cut him loose and let him live the life he consistantly chooses - who's to say thats not his path life? I think I have learned to understand that this is him - he's not a nine to five, PTO, straight arrow, work for retirement and move to Florida charater. He will always be unpredictable and live from whim to whim.....and maybe that is more our problem than his......maybe he has been right all along - the problem is with us and not with him - he's cool!
AND then again......what if I am wrong? What if the one thing he needed in life was to see all friends and loved ones around him concerned and rooting for him? What if knowing EVERYONE is on to him and he cannot fail could change his life, could change everything? Am I just being careless?
My feelings on this? I have red flags flying all over the place!!!! My mind is screaming NO, NO, NO!
1. I dont know how to make it much clearer to my father in law that it simply is no longer my place to make sure the X eats breakfast lunch and dinner, or that he washes behind his ears, to have any say in who his friends are or what he does with his time, its no longer my place to nag him, to question him or demand anything of him.
2. Personally, I had plans this weekend.....
3. I think if the X has not yet internalized how important it is and that he needs to take care of himself.....then a group of friends and loved ones telling him he is a failure (cause I know thats how he hears it - at least thats what he tells me he hears when I talk to him) is only going to agravate and frighten him.....he may just think "why even bother, if no one believes in me"
4. If he has not figured it out yet than perhaps the only thing to do is cut him loose and let him live the life he consistantly chooses - who's to say thats not his path life? I think I have learned to understand that this is him - he's not a nine to five, PTO, straight arrow, work for retirement and move to Florida charater. He will always be unpredictable and live from whim to whim.....and maybe that is more our problem than his......maybe he has been right all along - the problem is with us and not with him - he's cool!
AND then again......what if I am wrong? What if the one thing he needed in life was to see all friends and loved ones around him concerned and rooting for him? What if knowing EVERYONE is on to him and he cannot fail could change his life, could change everything? Am I just being careless?
If he wasn't an addict would you be gathering round the troops to tell him this was his last chance? No, it would probably be a party to congratulate him on a new job. I would want to be treated the same as you treat any normal person. I also would feel that everyone was ganging up on me saying "come on loser, if you screw this up, there will be consenquences". And OMG what are they, will they stop loving and caring for me. If one person can tell me of a real life intervention that has worked in the long-term, maybe my opinion would be different. But, I see this "intervention" stuff thrown all over the boards, yet not a single real-life success story. Maybe if someone is just starting their drug use, or a very young person, it might work. But, for the seasoned addict, I can only see more harm than good coming out of them for both the addict, and those that love them. As much as I know you don't want to hurt the father-in-law, you really need to sit him down and say, "listen pop's, I am now detached from this situation, and for my own emotional health, I can no longer be involved in any scheme to either encourage or dissuade him in any decisions he may be facing".
This is like the poster thread for detachment.....
All those questions and then no real answers. Kinda like it always is as we have no idea what is in his head, or anyone's except our own.
It is his life, and well everyone may not like it, know that it can be better but there is that no control. He will live like he wants until he sees, with his eyes that hey this sh*t sucks and I want a better way for me. I think that cutting off totally is bad, I think detaching is better with lots of love. I know how hard it is to take yourself out to not open your mouth and say you could have this great life if you just do......If they do what, what we want......Or maybe if they find thier way.
If you want to really talk to him then do it on your terms and with what you feel comfortable with. But I am not sure anyone jumping on anther as something good is going on is a good thing drugs or not present.....
There is a line from a song....
"Kiss me while I'm still alive.
Kill me while I kiss the sky"
You seem to have so much confusion and them questions. The answers we never have when we need them before we might screw things up, or maybe help. Can we help, I don't think so, change the outcome, no I don't think so. Believe in them yes no matter how bad they might be. Love them always, support them and let them find thier way.
I hope some of this makes sense....
Follow your heart and take care of you, slways you first. Don't let anyone drive you itno something that you don't want to do, or guilt trip you. Remember you didn't cause this at all....
Love,
Tina
All those questions and then no real answers. Kinda like it always is as we have no idea what is in his head, or anyone's except our own.
It is his life, and well everyone may not like it, know that it can be better but there is that no control. He will live like he wants until he sees, with his eyes that hey this sh*t sucks and I want a better way for me. I think that cutting off totally is bad, I think detaching is better with lots of love. I know how hard it is to take yourself out to not open your mouth and say you could have this great life if you just do......If they do what, what we want......Or maybe if they find thier way.
If you want to really talk to him then do it on your terms and with what you feel comfortable with. But I am not sure anyone jumping on anther as something good is going on is a good thing drugs or not present.....
There is a line from a song....
"Kiss me while I'm still alive.
Kill me while I kiss the sky"
You seem to have so much confusion and them questions. The answers we never have when we need them before we might screw things up, or maybe help. Can we help, I don't think so, change the outcome, no I don't think so. Believe in them yes no matter how bad they might be. Love them always, support them and let them find thier way.
I hope some of this makes sense....
Follow your heart and take care of you, slways you first. Don't let anyone drive you itno something that you don't want to do, or guilt trip you. Remember you didn't cause this at all....
Love,
Tina
Oh sh*t Charly....
The kids are running insane and I rushed my post. The detachment thing I meant in a good way. His family seems to want to cut him down when something good is happening. I know it is hard for them and I am sure that well this won't last long is running in thier heads but how can they know. It might be his turning point whether the job goes good or bad. We have the capability to learn in every situation.....
The kids are running insane and I rushed my post. The detachment thing I meant in a good way. His family seems to want to cut him down when something good is happening. I know it is hard for them and I am sure that well this won't last long is running in thier heads but how can they know. It might be his turning point whether the job goes good or bad. We have the capability to learn in every situation.....
Tina,
Its o.k that happens to me somtimes too....
You know what - I have always loved reading your posts, but I have often been confused by them.....not your writing mind you, but your point of view. I feel now though that my thought process and feelings and views on all this are changing and as I get a clearer sense of what it is that I can and cannot do and as I slowly but surely start to get ME back, I begin to understand you!!! Thats a good thing :)
I'm not gonna do this. and I know that its not because I dont care - I've been here, have always answeared my phone, always ready to talk, have driven where needed for a chat, a hug, moral support. Ive bent over backwards for him to be with his son almost whenever he has wanted to and have never stood in the way, made life difficult or acted out of anger.
But I would be mortified if "my loved ones" did the same thing to me - if my family and friends gathered around me for a good hour telling me I have to say..... let go of the x husband. I would find it unforgiveble, Id give them the finger and tell them I would do things on my own timing and as my gut dictated. I would feel invaded and rendered inadequate.
You know what.....Im probably not who he wanted me to be either!
Thanks Tina,
Love
C
Its o.k that happens to me somtimes too....
You know what - I have always loved reading your posts, but I have often been confused by them.....not your writing mind you, but your point of view. I feel now though that my thought process and feelings and views on all this are changing and as I get a clearer sense of what it is that I can and cannot do and as I slowly but surely start to get ME back, I begin to understand you!!! Thats a good thing :)
I'm not gonna do this. and I know that its not because I dont care - I've been here, have always answeared my phone, always ready to talk, have driven where needed for a chat, a hug, moral support. Ive bent over backwards for him to be with his son almost whenever he has wanted to and have never stood in the way, made life difficult or acted out of anger.
But I would be mortified if "my loved ones" did the same thing to me - if my family and friends gathered around me for a good hour telling me I have to say..... let go of the x husband. I would find it unforgiveble, Id give them the finger and tell them I would do things on my own timing and as my gut dictated. I would feel invaded and rendered inadequate.
You know what.....Im probably not who he wanted me to be either!
Thanks Tina,
Love
C
Morning Charly,
LMAO....confusing, who me.....
I know I throw a lot of people off. It is nothing but to get people to think different....I almost want to jump up and down with this OMG someone understands me.
I am glad to hear that you are taking yourself out. I can't see this a being a good thing for anyone in any cicumstance. I know that most have a problem with not wanting to overstep things and it is at times a constant battle of what should and shouldn't be done. But treating another as you would want to be is one thing I keep real close with everyone drugs or not involved. Makes it easier in many ways.
You be good to you and make sure you are taking care of you first. Things always look different and it seems so much easier to keep a balance.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Love,
Tina
LMAO....confusing, who me.....
I know I throw a lot of people off. It is nothing but to get people to think different....I almost want to jump up and down with this OMG someone understands me.
I am glad to hear that you are taking yourself out. I can't see this a being a good thing for anyone in any cicumstance. I know that most have a problem with not wanting to overstep things and it is at times a constant battle of what should and shouldn't be done. But treating another as you would want to be is one thing I keep real close with everyone drugs or not involved. Makes it easier in many ways.
You be good to you and make sure you are taking care of you first. Things always look different and it seems so much easier to keep a balance.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Love,
Tina
Tina,
You-re so funny! Have a great weekend too. How-s the weather? Im off to t he beach! YEAH
You-re so funny! Have a great weekend too. How-s the weather? Im off to t he beach! YEAH
