OK, this might be a long one. I've been in a long struggle with my significant other regarding his sobriety and wellbeing. He was a drug user in the past, weed, coke, crack, heroin, prescription pills, you name it. He got in a little trouble and has supposedly been clean since November 2015. I've known him through all of this, pre drug use and all- After meeting back up with him in Jan 2016, he plead how clean he's been and such.
Since then, I've had suspicion of his behavior-always hiding his phone, random person texting "you good man?", people saying they saw him out at all hours of the night, having pinpoint pupils in the pitch dark, up and down at all hours of the night, randomly slurring words, responding to conversation with something 100% NOT on topic of what we were talking about, dozing in and out. You get it. He explained that sometimes he just zones because of the prior usage-just side effects, i guess. I had no reason to suspect. Then, he started a new job, heavy manual labor, outside all hours of the day, hard work. He immediately started changing.
He never tells me where he's at, the time he gets off work, he sneaks out in the middle of the night for 30-45 minutes, never admits to ANYTHING unless he is 100% cornered and has no other lie to feed. The past month, I catch him in lies on a regular basis. He plead he's been clean the entire time, it was just the job stressing him out and making him tired. Until money and time really started coming up missing. His parents told him there was stuff he needed to tell me. He then told me he slipped up once late June, got ahold of a couple IR-30s and got high. Told his parents he told me what happened and thought we were all on the same page. Little did I know that, in reality, he was found gasping for breath on his computer chair in his parents house, lips blue, EMS called, from injecting too much heroin at 6AM. My brother had passed within this past year from recovering from a pill addiction. He was being overmedicated with methadone and it caught up to him-doctors never caught it and his respiratory system failed unexpectedly. This being said, my boyfriend KNOWS this and knows how deeply this impacted me. I've plead with him since day 1 that all i need is honesty and I will stick by his side and help him through anything (as long as he wants the help).
Since, he still lies. And sneaks. The more he's caught, the more it seems like he just runs everyone for circles. He sees a counselor and a hypno-psychologist. Seems like he really is trying to help himself right? So, he claims he is still taking suboxone, one a week, or less, up to 2 a day. This is where I get confused. He will go through his entire paycheck (Friday) by Monday. Given its around 300-350, HOW?? I understand suboxone, and to me it does not seem like you could go through as much money as that if you are truly only bettering yourself.
Any time he is stressed out, or feeling anxiety, he says he goes and gets suboxone. My understanding of suboxone is, if you're feeling withdrawal, you take it to suppress the urge to use. It seems like with him, he says he needs them when he's overwhelmed, stressed, angry, etc. That just doesn't seem like something you'd take suboxone for. Subs don't numb your feelings, do they?When i see him sneaking out at 2,3am, he says he is just going for a ride to clear his head, or sometimes getting stuff. He will not let anyone see his phone unless he "unlocks it himself and takes a couple seconds to hand it over first", We are all on the same page about the "suboxone use" but he still won't tell anyone or say anything until he is caught and has no other excuse. To me, it seems like suboxone is just an excuse, his way out of explaining missing time and money, but his actions do not add up. Why would he still be sneaking if we all are aware that he says he needs suboxone?
His actions are just weird. I have never found any physical evidence of drugs, but again he is very sneaky. He will make frequent random trips to his car and have no justification behind it, if he's caught doing something he has no explanation for, he fumbles over words and his story before something falls together. I hate to be so suspicious, but he can talk is way out of anything and he's damn good at it, his father even agrees, he has been playing them for years. We are all at wits end and not sure what to do.
He will show up at my house looking OK, then all of a sudden nod off, sitting up straight, dropping his cigarette into his lap, head down about drooling on himself, be awake, then eyes barely open, run to his car then go to the bathroom for 10-20 minutes. He totaled his car recently, on his way to my house coming a way that isn't a path from his to mine-that night, he snuck out his side door, rode his petal bike somewhere and pushed it up through the grass on the opposite side of the house where no one could potentially see him coming up the driveway. He does have track marks in his one arm. Not too long ago, it looked almost bloody, and another day, it looked like he had a little blood on the sleeve of a white t-shirt. I asked him about it and he says he has a nervous habit of picking at the scars and they must have bled. In the months i've been around, i have never seen him pick or poke or mess with them-at all.
The biggest thing is, through all the lies he's told, I'm still trying to help, and i beg him to do nothing but tell the truth. He says he will. He'll get receipts for what he buys, he'll wake me up and tell me when he needs to take a drive, hell tell me any time he needs to talk, hell tell me when he needs a suboxone. He never does any of those. He only says as much that will cover his a** and make enough of a story to end the questioning. He hides it all, until I hound him- Example He said last he took suboxone was Wednesday. Saturday I questioned him, he said I took one Thursday. Saturday night, he only had $140 left out of $480 he had Friday. His father questioned him and then said he takes suboxone twice a day and it'll take him a bit to ween himself off those. So, even when he "tells the truth", he's lying. That's a lot of money in a day and a half.
Things just don't add up. I know enough, but i am NO expert. Now, it seems like he's on this kick of using suboxone as cover up. I just don't know if I really am being over suspicious or there really is another problem here that he just won't admit to. I am driving myself crazy over the issue, I just need some insight.
Please help!
Karen
Karen,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I've been through it twice before. I can honestly say from experience it seems as though he may be using. Yes subs are expensive when you don't have a prescription (which he should look into getting because then they can be monitored). But even though they are expensive, unless he is getting several at a time, his money shouldn't be depleting that much within one day. The scratching (til he bleeds), drooling, and loss of concentration all seem like signs of usage and not suboxone. When he says he takes a suboxone because he's angry or frustrated maybe that has to do with his cravings. He could feel those things because he wants to use and he just isn't explaining it accurately.
I wish you the best !
I am so sorry you are going through this. I've been through it twice before. I can honestly say from experience it seems as though he may be using. Yes subs are expensive when you don't have a prescription (which he should look into getting because then they can be monitored). But even though they are expensive, unless he is getting several at a time, his money shouldn't be depleting that much within one day. The scratching (til he bleeds), drooling, and loss of concentration all seem like signs of usage and not suboxone. When he says he takes a suboxone because he's angry or frustrated maybe that has to do with his cravings. He could feel those things because he wants to use and he just isn't explaining it accurately.
I wish you the best !
How did he get clean in 2015?
Is he attending meetings regularly?
Without a program of recovery we go right back and pick up where we left off.
The more you try to hold him accountable the less change of success there is.
He has to want it AND DO IT !
Good luck.
Bob
Is he attending meetings regularly?
Without a program of recovery we go right back and pick up where we left off.
The more you try to hold him accountable the less change of success there is.
He has to want it AND DO IT !
Good luck.
Bob
I'm sorry to say but any of us here that have had experience with heroin addicts can tell you that it sounds as if he's using again. His behavior is not because of subs. With all the love and respect in the world, I suggest you make a fresh start without him. You will be dealing with this your whole entire life if you don't make a break.
Michelle
Michelle
Really? ...you really have to ask ?....i think you know better. ..and i think you know he's using....and the more you ask and the more you badger him to talk about it...the less he will. ..if I remember right ..and I could be wrong so someone correct me if I am....but i think you have to be in withdrawal first to use the sub...no idea if it's something to use just to use....but we do what we can at times to maintain....research subs...but it sure sounds like fix and nod to me....sorry
I agree with everyone here. Definitely sounds like he's using and I think in your heart you know it. If you had a friend who was confiding in you and told you what you're telling us, you would most likely tell that friend he is using and lying to her and himself. As much as you care, listen to what the posts say. You can't change him. Don't ruin your life trying. So sorry you are going through this
100% sounds like he is using. My son used to come home from work, eat, and then go out "to get gas" at the gas station, because "it was easier than getting gas in the morning on the way to work". Another words, he was going out to meet someone to buy or sell or use. And sometimes he would borrow a $20 from me to "get gas".
RUN from this situation. being clean since November is NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Subs- are supposed to be used when clean, when withdrawing to minimize craving and wd symptoms. then, used continiously to minimize craving. they are prescribed by a dr and used for years to help the person stay clean while getting their life back. They are expensive. Another Doctor -money-making-Scam. As you have to be a special dr to prescribe them. Still the system is abused by the dr's and the addicts.
They are available on the street bc someone gets them prescribed and then they sell them on the street. lol they sell their subs to by drugs. some addicts try to take them to withdraw maybe bc they want to be clean, but you have to stay on it, here and there does not work. maybe they buy it when there's no H or pills around.?
PS my son worked a manual labor, outside job. grueling hours, weekends, hardly time off, not paid enough to make it worth it. He became addicted to the pain pills because his body hurt. ( I think there was a slow addiction going on for years) After a 1 to 2 years of addiction to oxy that he hid pretty well for a year, he said if it were not for the pain meds, he would not be able to get out of bed and go to work 6-7 days a week.
I know this is not an excuse to be addicted to pain meds - I know the meds create pain and anxiety. And I know if he addressed his pain with other alternatives - chiropractic, massage, hot tub, yoga, exercise, and rest, he would not need pain pills.
These alternatives were available to him. he was not interested.
When the addiction was at its worse, he was still working, but not functioning well, and we realized what was going on.
Knowing that he was driving was scary - they should not be driving. He totaled one of our cars, luckily no one else was involved or hurt. but horrific to think he could have killed someone else on the road.
I suggested doctors, etc - he said he was not able to make appointments because he would not be able to sit in the waiting room that long. - anxiety, impatience, paranoia...
So it always comes down to the addict. What is important to them. Read their actions, not their words.
Good Luck. Very difficult situation. Best to Separate. You have to live your life, not intertwined with his. You can be Detached yet supportive. But being detached while he is using is next to impossible when living in the same home. If he is not OK with that, then it is his choice to take addiction over you.
Either way you have to separate for the good or the bad of the relationship.
AND Go To NarAnon!
RUN from this situation. being clean since November is NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Subs- are supposed to be used when clean, when withdrawing to minimize craving and wd symptoms. then, used continiously to minimize craving. they are prescribed by a dr and used for years to help the person stay clean while getting their life back. They are expensive. Another Doctor -money-making-Scam. As you have to be a special dr to prescribe them. Still the system is abused by the dr's and the addicts.
They are available on the street bc someone gets them prescribed and then they sell them on the street. lol they sell their subs to by drugs. some addicts try to take them to withdraw maybe bc they want to be clean, but you have to stay on it, here and there does not work. maybe they buy it when there's no H or pills around.?
PS my son worked a manual labor, outside job. grueling hours, weekends, hardly time off, not paid enough to make it worth it. He became addicted to the pain pills because his body hurt. ( I think there was a slow addiction going on for years) After a 1 to 2 years of addiction to oxy that he hid pretty well for a year, he said if it were not for the pain meds, he would not be able to get out of bed and go to work 6-7 days a week.
I know this is not an excuse to be addicted to pain meds - I know the meds create pain and anxiety. And I know if he addressed his pain with other alternatives - chiropractic, massage, hot tub, yoga, exercise, and rest, he would not need pain pills.
These alternatives were available to him. he was not interested.
When the addiction was at its worse, he was still working, but not functioning well, and we realized what was going on.
Knowing that he was driving was scary - they should not be driving. He totaled one of our cars, luckily no one else was involved or hurt. but horrific to think he could have killed someone else on the road.
I suggested doctors, etc - he said he was not able to make appointments because he would not be able to sit in the waiting room that long. - anxiety, impatience, paranoia...
So it always comes down to the addict. What is important to them. Read their actions, not their words.
Good Luck. Very difficult situation. Best to Separate. You have to live your life, not intertwined with his. You can be Detached yet supportive. But being detached while he is using is next to impossible when living in the same home. If he is not OK with that, then it is his choice to take addiction over you.
Either way you have to separate for the good or the bad of the relationship.
AND Go To NarAnon!
The money being spent. When all came crashing down for my son, we realized he and a few friends were all addicted. they were all working full time, manual labor jobs. they would share their money and share the drugs. they covered for each other. my son would get a paycheck and the $$ would be gone in a matter of days.
then the friends would borrow from each other. they always owed each other money. a paycheck never lasted till the next paycheck. Never saved even a dollar while working for 4 years.
also took paycheck loans. also did not pay bills or rent. most of the time was not living home, so we did not see it until he was at home. then we saw it, then kicked him out, he moved out of state and said he would quit, but it ramped up worse. he did manage to work a year in heavy addiction, but it was bad by the time it ended. And he ended up with nothing. no car, no tv, no computer, nothing but some clothes in a back pack. He is in recovery in another state, he is doing ok but not great. he is somewhat clean. I dont really know. he is not happy. but he needs to wallow in this by himself in order for him to want to stay clean. he has to find that strength.
even now he will lie about details.
then the friends would borrow from each other. they always owed each other money. a paycheck never lasted till the next paycheck. Never saved even a dollar while working for 4 years.
also took paycheck loans. also did not pay bills or rent. most of the time was not living home, so we did not see it until he was at home. then we saw it, then kicked him out, he moved out of state and said he would quit, but it ramped up worse. he did manage to work a year in heavy addiction, but it was bad by the time it ended. And he ended up with nothing. no car, no tv, no computer, nothing but some clothes in a back pack. He is in recovery in another state, he is doing ok but not great. he is somewhat clean. I dont really know. he is not happy. but he needs to wallow in this by himself in order for him to want to stay clean. he has to find that strength.
even now he will lie about details.
