I am new to this site and looking for feedback and any wisdom you can share.
I have been dating my fiance for over seven years and we are supposed to get married in 11 months. Last month I found a Suboxone wrapper in his wallet. (Don't ask me why I looked in his wallet because I couldn't tell you. I never have before and it was just this random intuition.) This ultimately led to the revelation that he has been addicted to Oxycontin for the past 2 1/2 years, had spent all of his tens of thousands in savings and was completely broke.
I spoke to his mom and within the week he was on the plane to rehab. Although the fact that he chose to go to rehab without a fight is probably a victory, I can't describe how devastated I am right now. I feel like any chance of having the happy and healthy future I have been working towards and praying for is gone.
Whenever I look up marriage after addiction, all I find are countless stories of inevitable relapse, broken families and divorce.
To provide some backstory, our relationship was never easy. I love my fiance with my whole heart but he has always been struggling with depression and low-self esteem which took a tremendous toll on our relationship. I'm sure that through those years, even though he wasn't using yet, I was enabling him by staying with him when he was a terrible boyfriend and didn't hold up his end of the relationship.
I don't know what to do. He has been saying he is committed to recovery and working the 12 Steps program, finding a sponsor, seeing a therapist . . . but none of this seems to reassure me about the future. I believe that he can get well but I don't believe yet that he will. And the statistics are dismal..
There are so many discouraging stories online it is breaking my heart. I have wanted to see the man I love happy and healthy for so long and urged him to get treatment for his depression years before the drug abuse started. I have prayed thousands of prayers for him. Now I'm scared he has gone down a road that I am too exhausted and pessimistic to follow.
I have put myself through a very rigorous academic program over many years to provide for our future. I have had to be the strong one in our relationship for years because of his depression alone. I don't know if I can handle a relapse. I don't know if I will choose to have children with him because I would never want to expose them to the pain I've experienced from his addiction.
I feel like I do have a choice right now and I could choose not to marry him even though it would break both our hearts. He genuinely loves me and I know a future with me is a major part of his motivation to recover. I feel so conflicted. Both options are terrible: either I leave him and break both our hearts and jeopardize his motivation for recovery or I stay and risk having my future destroyed by relapse and addiction. It doesn't seem like anyone every gets clean the first time from opiate addiction or stays clean for many years.
I am praying daily and have never prayed so hard in my life for a sign of what God's will is for us.
I have no clue what to do and feel lost, discouraged and heartbroken.
Any advice you could share would mean the world to me. There aren't many people who can understand how difficult and painful this situation is.
Hi Younglady,
I know how discouraged and cheated you may feel. I hope you find the sign your looking for in the question you are seeking.
I know from reading published works about addiction that it is now considered a mental illness. it's put in the journal of psychiatry. He is doing the right thing without a fight which frankly I commend him one hundred percent. it's not easy being an addict. they know right from wrong and they suffer every time with guilt when they chose the drug and waste their money on it.
he would be devastated if you didn't give him a chance at proving that he can change his life.
but I must tell you this, addiction is a life long process. I know because I used to used drugs 15 yrs ago. I put myself into a hospital to get myself into a program which I stayed in for many many years. the clinic closed down and I went through a horrible withdrawal I wouldn't wish upon my enemy, if I had one. I don't. but needless to say, I made the choice of going on suboxone to get through the withdrawal of methadone. if one decides to go on suboxone for just withdrawing reasons, I would suggest they stay on it the shortest amount of time if one is confindent they are healed.
If one is not constantly aware in their lives that they are an addict, but not actively using, it can come back and get you when you least expect it. you have to have eyes in the back of your head. but the person can change if they are willing to seek therapy, possibly get on med's for their mental illness, go to groups, etc.
I believe that people DO change.. I've seen it with my own eyes with the worst of alcholics in my family. my father did it all on his own and I heard he was a terrible mean man before I was born, which I heard from my older siblings. my older brother stopped all on his own and my twin stopped all on his own.
addiction is addiction.
the person is hurting inside to begin with which I think leads them to drugs.
it's a soul disease. I say the soul needs to be fed just as much as we need to feed our bodies.
we are more than just flesh and bones. we are spirit. this world is a mystery and since time has began man has been trying to figure it out.
we need to figure out our ownselves out and not other people. we are all on our own journey.
You may feel embarrassed too with your anger that he hid this from you. I would have been shocked too. he needed to be up front with you but he feared loosing you and didnt' want you to judge him. as I stated, he already feels bad about himself.
a lot of people with low self esteem are addicts. they aren't bad people. addiction is not selective in who it chooses to strike. like diabetes. it's a life long illness.
whether you choose to stay with him on his journey to recovery will be something you have to find out on your journey of life. I say give him a chance. don't marry him yet, just stay engaged and set a date time to see if he can be on the straight and narrow.
he has to want this bad enough.. not you. this is his problem he has to work through.
we can't control others to do things we want them to do for us.
but you do have a choice whether to bail out or not. and go by your instinct.
I can understand that the choice you have to make is one that will change not only your life but others.
I too have been in this position when I had to decide whether to divorce my husband of 19 yrs.
and I had four children to consider whether it would effect them.
it devastated them ALL. I"ve had it thrown in my face that I am the cause of their unhappiness in life many years later. I got divorced back in 1998. it's YEARS later and they still think I should have done it differently.
I'm glad to see you are praying about your dilemma. take your time. don't rush into something you might regret later on.
maybe you would like to seek counseling yourself to help you through this rough period.
I fought counseling, or therapy for many many years while I was at the clinic. I didn't know I had bipolar depressive II disorder, amongst other diagnoses. post traumatic stress disorder, g.a.d., which is general anxiety disorder. it's not the same as having panic attacks. it effects the person's body in a different way, which I was told I may have started way back in my teen hood.
at least he's attempting help. this is a good sign.
I hope you are able to use the board and find some helpful insight. there are other places on the board to go such as success stories and recovery diaries, etc.. if you expect bad, you will find bad. look for the good too.
the mind is tricky thing. we can never tell what tomorrow will bring because all we have right now is this present moment. all I can say is to stay in the present. don't try to predict or reflect in thinking what may happen up the road. stay in the moment and work with that.
I wish you well.
I know how discouraged and cheated you may feel. I hope you find the sign your looking for in the question you are seeking.
I know from reading published works about addiction that it is now considered a mental illness. it's put in the journal of psychiatry. He is doing the right thing without a fight which frankly I commend him one hundred percent. it's not easy being an addict. they know right from wrong and they suffer every time with guilt when they chose the drug and waste their money on it.
he would be devastated if you didn't give him a chance at proving that he can change his life.
but I must tell you this, addiction is a life long process. I know because I used to used drugs 15 yrs ago. I put myself into a hospital to get myself into a program which I stayed in for many many years. the clinic closed down and I went through a horrible withdrawal I wouldn't wish upon my enemy, if I had one. I don't. but needless to say, I made the choice of going on suboxone to get through the withdrawal of methadone. if one decides to go on suboxone for just withdrawing reasons, I would suggest they stay on it the shortest amount of time if one is confindent they are healed.
If one is not constantly aware in their lives that they are an addict, but not actively using, it can come back and get you when you least expect it. you have to have eyes in the back of your head. but the person can change if they are willing to seek therapy, possibly get on med's for their mental illness, go to groups, etc.
I believe that people DO change.. I've seen it with my own eyes with the worst of alcholics in my family. my father did it all on his own and I heard he was a terrible mean man before I was born, which I heard from my older siblings. my older brother stopped all on his own and my twin stopped all on his own.
addiction is addiction.
the person is hurting inside to begin with which I think leads them to drugs.
it's a soul disease. I say the soul needs to be fed just as much as we need to feed our bodies.
we are more than just flesh and bones. we are spirit. this world is a mystery and since time has began man has been trying to figure it out.
we need to figure out our ownselves out and not other people. we are all on our own journey.
You may feel embarrassed too with your anger that he hid this from you. I would have been shocked too. he needed to be up front with you but he feared loosing you and didnt' want you to judge him. as I stated, he already feels bad about himself.
a lot of people with low self esteem are addicts. they aren't bad people. addiction is not selective in who it chooses to strike. like diabetes. it's a life long illness.
whether you choose to stay with him on his journey to recovery will be something you have to find out on your journey of life. I say give him a chance. don't marry him yet, just stay engaged and set a date time to see if he can be on the straight and narrow.
he has to want this bad enough.. not you. this is his problem he has to work through.
we can't control others to do things we want them to do for us.
but you do have a choice whether to bail out or not. and go by your instinct.
I can understand that the choice you have to make is one that will change not only your life but others.
I too have been in this position when I had to decide whether to divorce my husband of 19 yrs.
and I had four children to consider whether it would effect them.
it devastated them ALL. I"ve had it thrown in my face that I am the cause of their unhappiness in life many years later. I got divorced back in 1998. it's YEARS later and they still think I should have done it differently.
I'm glad to see you are praying about your dilemma. take your time. don't rush into something you might regret later on.
maybe you would like to seek counseling yourself to help you through this rough period.
I fought counseling, or therapy for many many years while I was at the clinic. I didn't know I had bipolar depressive II disorder, amongst other diagnoses. post traumatic stress disorder, g.a.d., which is general anxiety disorder. it's not the same as having panic attacks. it effects the person's body in a different way, which I was told I may have started way back in my teen hood.
at least he's attempting help. this is a good sign.
I hope you are able to use the board and find some helpful insight. there are other places on the board to go such as success stories and recovery diaries, etc.. if you expect bad, you will find bad. look for the good too.
the mind is tricky thing. we can never tell what tomorrow will bring because all we have right now is this present moment. all I can say is to stay in the present. don't try to predict or reflect in thinking what may happen up the road. stay in the moment and work with that.
I wish you well.
I leave him and break both our hearts and jeopardize his motivation for recovery
oh, stop right there. Don't take on the blame for whether or not he stays clean. It's not your fault and you have absolutely no control over that. He's the one that's making the choice to use and it's got to be his choice to stop. One thing we learn here is that we have no control over their choices.
Now really isn't the right time to even consider marriage. He's got to work on himself first before he can even consider sharing his life with someone. He may not even be the same man after recovery. You're not the same since you found out that he's been lying to you all along. I would imagine that a lot of the trust you had in him is gone. It's going to take a while, if at all to get that back and not trusting your partner isn't a good recipe for a happy marriage. You say he's been a terrible boyfriend. What makes you think he's going to be better at being a husband?
I know you've been with him a long time but if you were my daughter I'd advise you to break off the engagement. You and him don't need that added pressure right now. He's going to need a lot longer than 11 months to get his head together and even then there are no guarantees.
Just wait.. Once you put the marriage on hold, I think you'll be able to think more clearly.
hugs, L
oh, stop right there. Don't take on the blame for whether or not he stays clean. It's not your fault and you have absolutely no control over that. He's the one that's making the choice to use and it's got to be his choice to stop. One thing we learn here is that we have no control over their choices.
Now really isn't the right time to even consider marriage. He's got to work on himself first before he can even consider sharing his life with someone. He may not even be the same man after recovery. You're not the same since you found out that he's been lying to you all along. I would imagine that a lot of the trust you had in him is gone. It's going to take a while, if at all to get that back and not trusting your partner isn't a good recipe for a happy marriage. You say he's been a terrible boyfriend. What makes you think he's going to be better at being a husband?
I know you've been with him a long time but if you were my daughter I'd advise you to break off the engagement. You and him don't need that added pressure right now. He's going to need a lot longer than 11 months to get his head together and even then there are no guarantees.
Just wait.. Once you put the marriage on hold, I think you'll be able to think more clearly.
hugs, L
Thank you both for the advice.
I truly appreciate it. This has been shocking and left me devastated. The future is now completely different than the one I have been working so hard for but beyond that, I'm afraid this man I love so much will be completely lost to his addiction.
I have been seeing a counselor and once I make it past finals week I will try to attend family NA groups.
The wedding is hard because there is so much that it involves. We already had a venue and vendors booked and while I'm not going to let that prevent me from cancelling the wedding if need be, I'm dreading those phone calls.
I feel so discouraged and worried.
Do any of you know people who successfully recovered from opiate addiction? Is relapse always inevitable?
Thanks again for your insight.
I truly appreciate it. This has been shocking and left me devastated. The future is now completely different than the one I have been working so hard for but beyond that, I'm afraid this man I love so much will be completely lost to his addiction.
I have been seeing a counselor and once I make it past finals week I will try to attend family NA groups.
The wedding is hard because there is so much that it involves. We already had a venue and vendors booked and while I'm not going to let that prevent me from cancelling the wedding if need be, I'm dreading those phone calls.
I feel so discouraged and worried.
Do any of you know people who successfully recovered from opiate addiction? Is relapse always inevitable?
Thanks again for your insight.
http://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...ST&f=19&t=76861
I'm not sure if the link will show up but look for posts or threads by Persephone in the Pain Pills section on this board. She married, has grandkids and successfully got off pain meds.
There's always hope but it's up to the addict themselves and there are no guarantees.
I'm not sure if the link will show up but look for posts or threads by Persephone in the Pain Pills section on this board. She married, has grandkids and successfully got off pain meds.
There's always hope but it's up to the addict themselves and there are no guarantees.
Thank you for sharing this.
Dear Younglady,
The first and most important thing I want to tell you, is that whatever happens, dont overlook his depression. I know from experience that we tend to let the depression thing drag on and we can so often explain it and empathize with it even though it makes us miserable and we just want to shake them loose.Then we find out they have been using drugs - and its like...that line we know and it has been crossed. Thankfully there are places you go to take care of that, it seems to explain so many things we really had no words for and a remedy seems so palpable. However, in this process, so many times, the cause of the depression, which is clinical is overlooked. Rehab's job is to get him clean - his job is to stay clean. And that so often leaves no room to look seriously at the depression, and to treat it seriously. It is such a shame because chances are, if that were the first thing to be looked at, by a good doctor, the getting clean part might not be such a struggle. Changing that, clinically helping him with that would really bring a chage, would really bring the peace and self confidence he needs to stay clean. And untreated depression is chronic, as is addiction.Dont let the fact that he has gone to rehab be an excuse to overlook his state of mind.
Secondly, and also from experience, finding out the love of our lives is an addict is harrowing. We, in essence, come to find out that they have gone to extraordinary lengths to keep a side, that dominates everthing they think and do, a secret. The feeling of betrayal is so hurtful, but then when we do find out, it is such a difficult thing to understand - they almost become a different person to us. It is enormous and it takes time to get our heads around. So you should at least give yourself the time. This has happened to you too. Allow yourself that. Take care of you, too. Take the time figure out what you want. From life, from a husband, a family...what are your goals? Does he share them? Is he gonna work with you or depend on you to get there. How much of that is drug related? How much of that is just the way he is?
We tend to think that they will come out of rehab clean, and free of any faults we ever saw in them. Sometimes they just come out clean. Recovery really is a long road, and an all consuming road. No matter how many qualified, experienced people tell you its his road - it will be your road too. Is it possible to love him through it? Sure it is. But it will never be the same.
The first and most important thing I want to tell you, is that whatever happens, dont overlook his depression. I know from experience that we tend to let the depression thing drag on and we can so often explain it and empathize with it even though it makes us miserable and we just want to shake them loose.Then we find out they have been using drugs - and its like...that line we know and it has been crossed. Thankfully there are places you go to take care of that, it seems to explain so many things we really had no words for and a remedy seems so palpable. However, in this process, so many times, the cause of the depression, which is clinical is overlooked. Rehab's job is to get him clean - his job is to stay clean. And that so often leaves no room to look seriously at the depression, and to treat it seriously. It is such a shame because chances are, if that were the first thing to be looked at, by a good doctor, the getting clean part might not be such a struggle. Changing that, clinically helping him with that would really bring a chage, would really bring the peace and self confidence he needs to stay clean. And untreated depression is chronic, as is addiction.Dont let the fact that he has gone to rehab be an excuse to overlook his state of mind.
Secondly, and also from experience, finding out the love of our lives is an addict is harrowing. We, in essence, come to find out that they have gone to extraordinary lengths to keep a side, that dominates everthing they think and do, a secret. The feeling of betrayal is so hurtful, but then when we do find out, it is such a difficult thing to understand - they almost become a different person to us. It is enormous and it takes time to get our heads around. So you should at least give yourself the time. This has happened to you too. Allow yourself that. Take care of you, too. Take the time figure out what you want. From life, from a husband, a family...what are your goals? Does he share them? Is he gonna work with you or depend on you to get there. How much of that is drug related? How much of that is just the way he is?
We tend to think that they will come out of rehab clean, and free of any faults we ever saw in them. Sometimes they just come out clean. Recovery really is a long road, and an all consuming road. No matter how many qualified, experienced people tell you its his road - it will be your road too. Is it possible to love him through it? Sure it is. But it will never be the same.
Wow your post is exactly what I am going through as well. Except mine never got better and refuses rehabs but he has only be struggling with addiction for two years. But you're longer relationship gives me a glimpse into the future. I can't imagine how hard it must be on you being with him even longer. My fianc also suffers severe depression that is always overlooked. I know deep down this isn't what I want for my life. As you said I don't ever want to bring my children into a life like this. And I think that's what helps my mind stay clear the most is thinking about our future kids. Will they ever have a dad who plays soccer with them? Will they see me and him love and care for eachother? I just don't see any of it no matter how much I want to. I know just as I'm sure you do, you want out. It would be relief in a way to finally be free. To not be confined to the constant toll his addiction takes. To have a regular relationship like all your friends do. But then you see him. And you think about everything you have already planned and dreamed of. And he is the man you love. From an outsiders perspective, I say girl leave and go live your life. Find a man who can take care of YOU and give you the life you deserve. But knowing what you're going through, I know it isn't that easy. I don't know if you are religious ( you mentioned your prayers so I'm assuming) but proverbs 3:5-6 is always so helpful to me. I will pray for you that you find the clarity you are looking for. Just remember to take care of yourself. God Bless.
I'm going through something similar. My boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage. I recently learned about his history of opiate addiction (he's been clean for five years). But now he struggles with alcohol. He is the most amazing man. I can't speak for your situation but I am choosing to stand by this man, in sickness and health. I am a psych nurse and addiction is an illness. Relapse is always possible, but nothing is guaranteed in this life.
Communication, honesty, and trust will get you both through this.
Thinking of you.
Communication, honesty, and trust will get you both through this.
Thinking of you.
Always remember YoungLady...
If you don't have trust, you don't have anything
Nagging doubts before you get married will probably still be there after you get married. Any behavioral changes he exhibits (even if it isn't drug related) will bring back old worries.
Is that what you want for the rest of your life?
If you don't have trust, you don't have anything
Nagging doubts before you get married will probably still be there after you get married. Any behavioral changes he exhibits (even if it isn't drug related) will bring back old worries.
Is that what you want for the rest of your life?
