Hi everyone, I'm new to this whole forum thing but I've got a very confusing, painful situation on my hands with my boyfriend, or well, ex boyfriend. We've been dating for around 7/8 months, and although that's not too long term, I feel like we get along so great, we never fight, he's very respectful and loves my happiness. That is why even though I've been in longer relationships, I still never have felt this way about anybody. He has a 4 year old son, and he's more than amazing to him just as he was to me before all of this.
Basically, everything started out great. He was clean from Heroin for a few months. I've been in a serious relationship with an addict before, and it was really bad. My first instinct was "don't put yourself through this again, you lived and you learned this". After talking about it for a while he seemed motivated and sure that this time, he was done. His personality is very smart, he's a quiet, calm and collective type of guy. He's only 25 years old and it seems like he's already mature enough and wise enough to settle down and do right in a relationship.
Everything was great. Mid November, two weeks after going on dates and being surprised with flowers at work, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I knew I just started seeing him, but I agreed to the relationship because I had never met anyone so honest, sweet and nice. After my last addict boyfriend I just was lost hope in the fact that someone could have good intentions while using or early in recovery... but he was unlike any other. Every food quality a human being good have as a person, well, he's got it.
Everything continued to stay great until a horrible circumstance. He saw his friend somewhere and relapsed with him two months after meeting him. What happened was that since it's been a bit, he got so messed up that he got into a terrible accident. He lost his car, his job, and his family's trust. He got a new job almost instantaneously with the same hours he worked before.. which was really crazy. He's still there today.
After that one time relapse, he didn't go back to it again. He was bummed for a few weeks unbelievably, but our relationship wasn't unfixable. I was there every step of the way of healing from the pain of losing a lot in just a matter of seconds. He still treated me very well and didn't take it out on me, but I started to notice he wasn't acting as happy in general.. which obviously is understandable.
After that, he continued to stay clean and be successful in his recovery. He got a new car, he stayed at his job (which was stressful due to hours, but leaves little time for use). I was starting to think that this accident was a reality check and a sign from god, because of the circumatances and that he knew that too and this one horrible time would be the answer he needed for the want to stop: anything could happen at anytime. it only takes one time to try or fall back on, I thought that made him change...
.... But I was wrong. Another 4 months comes around, we were having a normal conversation. We were talking about how much we can't wait until he gets his license back and other job so we can see eachother more! But then, out of nowhere, he broke up with me. He said our connection hasn't been the same and that he will always love me and care about me... THIS MADE NO SENSE!! He bought me expensive jewelry the last time I saw him for absolutely no reason, just to do it, just to make me happy, just out of love.
After begging him for answers and asking him how this happened, he changed things up on me. He said "I relapsed you deserve better, why me?". Apparently he was using for a week before doing this, and since we can only see eachother on weekends, I wouldn't have been there to know. After talking to him for a while, he said he went out with a friend who relapsed before and had no idea he did, but when his friend saw my boyfriend, he offered him the same mistake. We've had a few conversations and he says he really ended our relationship because he didn't want me to see that side of him, and I'm the only right thing he has so he doesn't want me to hate him by dealing with this. He says he needs time to clear his head and to recover, and that he wanted to work on things when he got better.... he's not the type to play games, but I can't help but wonder.
This is too long, But should I believe him and stay and wait around because I truly feel like we're the love of eachothers life... or do I walk away because it's an act, and it's really him not feeling me?
Dear Pink Butterfly,
I am sorry to hear about this, but your story is common - someone in early recovery starts a romance that busts.
It is often recommended that addicts in early recovery avoid romances for at least 1 year. In that time, they should demonstrate responsible behavior: Stay active in a recovery group, hold a job, pay bills, keep a clean house, and maintain a house plant or pet. after 1 year of sobriety, then it is safer to begin dating.
Anything short of that is setup for failure in my opinion.
The person you know in early recovery is not the same person who has found sustained recovery. Early recovery is sometimes called a "pink cloud" indicated by over-confidence. It is important to get through this phase and onto long-term recovery.
I am not sure this is what you wanted to hear - but I hope it helps.
Flyboy
I am sorry to hear about this, but your story is common - someone in early recovery starts a romance that busts.
It is often recommended that addicts in early recovery avoid romances for at least 1 year. In that time, they should demonstrate responsible behavior: Stay active in a recovery group, hold a job, pay bills, keep a clean house, and maintain a house plant or pet. after 1 year of sobriety, then it is safer to begin dating.
Anything short of that is setup for failure in my opinion.
The person you know in early recovery is not the same person who has found sustained recovery. Early recovery is sometimes called a "pink cloud" indicated by over-confidence. It is important to get through this phase and onto long-term recovery.
I am not sure this is what you wanted to hear - but I hope it helps.
Flyboy
hi Pink Butterfly, early recovery is an emotional nightmare- relapse is common, your boyfriend probably is being honest with you,he is probably unsure about himself- he wont know if he is going to stay clean- he may have every intention of trying to stay clean- but that doubt is always there- recovery is hard work- it's a 24/7 deal especially if he is struggling to stay clean- he needs to concentrate on his recovery- for somebody new to recovery, life can seem great, everything seems to be going great and having someone to share that with is great- then you relapse- all the guilt, doubts and demons are back- i think your boyfriend is making a very brave decision- he doesent want to hurt you- it would be easy for him to string you along and continue to use and lie to you- he is trying to protect you from himself and his addiction- respect him for this- let him go- hard as it may be- whether he stays clean or not is not your responsibility- he knows this- this is his battle - give him the space to sort out his own life- you need to protect yourself- he needs to concentrate on his recovery- i have been where your boyfriend is- i think i know where he is coming from-what he is trying to do- walk away - i really hope he stays clean- but this is not something you can do for him-
Travelin man,
Thank you for the advice, I understand that situation. I really do... but it's hard for me to fathom the fact that he said it was us, and now it is this. I guess he could have been trying to save himself from telling me at first, but it still scares me because when he relapsed and that accident happen, he got clean right away and there was no break or break up. I was his biggest support and best friend doing everything i could. I know nothing I could have done could have prevented this from happening, but part of me is terrified hes going to meet somebody else, and it was all a lie his messed up mind told him to say to make me feel bad for him and less bad about losing him...
and also, i cant help but worry for his health and safety. Should i give up trying to check up on him, how often if so?
Thank you for the advice, I understand that situation. I really do... but it's hard for me to fathom the fact that he said it was us, and now it is this. I guess he could have been trying to save himself from telling me at first, but it still scares me because when he relapsed and that accident happen, he got clean right away and there was no break or break up. I was his biggest support and best friend doing everything i could. I know nothing I could have done could have prevented this from happening, but part of me is terrified hes going to meet somebody else, and it was all a lie his messed up mind told him to say to make me feel bad for him and less bad about losing him...
and also, i cant help but worry for his health and safety. Should i give up trying to check up on him, how often if so?
flyboykauo,
thank you for the insight, After reading several posts, I saw many people say that which is obviously a great idea... don't get me wrong. I guess what I'm really asking is if it could be an excuse and easy way out of the relationship, if somebody on Heroin would completely put a facad as to why it's over, "for now"... so that they feel better knowing that I think it's his issues so we stay okay and I'm still here while he explores. The last conversation we had really was reassuring and felt 100% genuine. But after not talking to him for a while, random thoughts and possible reasoning run through my head. He also doesn't mind me calling him to check up now that I'm not crying asking why and how. I know it makes it worse to bug him, but I stopped because I don't want to push him to use and I don't want to be selfish. But my main question and red flag is the fact that he changed his status to single right away. He hasn't been on the prowl adding girls and liking pictures, but it's still very suspicious. If it just as hard for him as it is for me, why would he show the world hes available? why would he want other people to see that I am as well if he wasn't trying to meet new people and move on...He said it doesn't matter to him like that and it's not why he did it, he said he just did it without really thinking about it while he was high, but It's just suspicious.
thank you for the insight, After reading several posts, I saw many people say that which is obviously a great idea... don't get me wrong. I guess what I'm really asking is if it could be an excuse and easy way out of the relationship, if somebody on Heroin would completely put a facad as to why it's over, "for now"... so that they feel better knowing that I think it's his issues so we stay okay and I'm still here while he explores. The last conversation we had really was reassuring and felt 100% genuine. But after not talking to him for a while, random thoughts and possible reasoning run through my head. He also doesn't mind me calling him to check up now that I'm not crying asking why and how. I know it makes it worse to bug him, but I stopped because I don't want to push him to use and I don't want to be selfish. But my main question and red flag is the fact that he changed his status to single right away. He hasn't been on the prowl adding girls and liking pictures, but it's still very suspicious. If it just as hard for him as it is for me, why would he show the world hes available? why would he want other people to see that I am as well if he wasn't trying to meet new people and move on...He said it doesn't matter to him like that and it's not why he did it, he said he just did it without really thinking about it while he was high, but It's just suspicious.
Dear Pink Butterfly,
I am going to be brutally honest! You say in your first post that youve been down this road and learned, but it actually, but it does nt actually seem like you did.
Whatever the reason, this guy did right by you. He told you dark times are coming and he does nt want you there for those. Why are you pushing? The fact that you cant figure out if he is using heroin as an excuse, or excusing himself for heroin, should speak volumes to you of the quality of your relationship. Does it matter if he has relapsed or not? You cant seem to trust him either way. Will you ever? And the fact that your taking on the worry and anticipated responsibility for relapse, avoiding getting to him, in case you make him relapse should be a red flag on your co-dependency and alert for you to seek some help for yourself to make sure you dont end up in this situation over and over again.
Take care of you!
I am going to be brutally honest! You say in your first post that youve been down this road and learned, but it actually, but it does nt actually seem like you did.
Whatever the reason, this guy did right by you. He told you dark times are coming and he does nt want you there for those. Why are you pushing? The fact that you cant figure out if he is using heroin as an excuse, or excusing himself for heroin, should speak volumes to you of the quality of your relationship. Does it matter if he has relapsed or not? You cant seem to trust him either way. Will you ever? And the fact that your taking on the worry and anticipated responsibility for relapse, avoiding getting to him, in case you make him relapse should be a red flag on your co-dependency and alert for you to seek some help for yourself to make sure you dont end up in this situation over and over again.
Take care of you!
