I left him on Sunday, I broke up with him on the phone. That had made him so cross and he says he never knew me and how could I do that. I know it was cowardly. Then I said I would talk on Mon or Tues but I couldnt I didnt want to .. then after a phonecall where being called a heartless b*tch and accused of not being able to be trusted.. I got some SMSs
SMS 1:Ill pack your stuff to make your move more expedient. This could have been a lot more amicable if you had shown me the courtesy of coming round.
I didn't reply
SMS2: Really wish you had come to talk tonight but I must not deserve even that Ill be up for a while longer if you change your mind
I didn't reply
SMS3:Do you have any idea of what you have done to me? I have not been able to face going to work for fear that Ill start crying .. I feel lost and abandoned and you dont seem to care
I didn't reply
HELP how can I not care? Can I let him know I care but that its still over. Of course I care. What if he does something stupid, I cant believe he hasnt been to work. I know I cant care. I know I cant care. How, how, how am I going to see this through. It never got that extreme. I just couldnt handle it anymore I want to force him to get help but I cant. Are there any acceptable hints I can drop that might push him into professional help. This isnt even his country. He doesnt even feel properly at home here.
In getting off the merry-go round can I watch from a distance? Can I hope just maybe? My boyfriend of two years who I love and deserves to be loved. He hasnt been cruel.. he cant control his drink. Drink has been cruel. He has come such a long way from how things were where he used to live before. He really felt like he was getting his life in order. But it wasnt enough for me. And now I have left him. And he feels alone. I can cut myself off from thinking of him but I am just postponing the pain.
Sorry for the rant. If anyone has any tips for someone at this stage please let me know.
Thank you
Laura
Hi Laura
I take it you've read the merry go round leaflet??? it's pretty good isn't it??
I'm taking it you mean is it always the right thing to leave???
I think there are no rules!!! it would depend on each individual and their circumstances...........
Let's face it a lot of people living with addicts become so low emotionally - it's just as true that they have to hit their bottom to p'raps leave??? thing is as you probably know we can protect ourselves by following certain principles and mostly by looking after ourselves and getting on with our own lives, even so we may still not be able to cope with the situation - some can - some can't.........some want to some don't.............
P'raps you can have a good heart to heart with him and explain how you feel - in 2 years what has he done to prove he wants to change???? would you want to be with him if he did get help???
A lot of the time it takes knowledge and change on the partners of addicts to get the addict to focus on themselves - i would say that if a person has put this into practise for a good few months and still no change then maybe a break is needed????? you can always let a person know you are there for them but you don't want to live such a dysfunctional life, if they do that's up to them - all we can do is hope one day they will change their mind..............
Keep looking after yourself..................all the best
ps: how al-anon works for families & friends of alcoholics is another good book.
I take it you've read the merry go round leaflet??? it's pretty good isn't it??
I'm taking it you mean is it always the right thing to leave???
I think there are no rules!!! it would depend on each individual and their circumstances...........
Let's face it a lot of people living with addicts become so low emotionally - it's just as true that they have to hit their bottom to p'raps leave??? thing is as you probably know we can protect ourselves by following certain principles and mostly by looking after ourselves and getting on with our own lives, even so we may still not be able to cope with the situation - some can - some can't.........some want to some don't.............
P'raps you can have a good heart to heart with him and explain how you feel - in 2 years what has he done to prove he wants to change???? would you want to be with him if he did get help???
A lot of the time it takes knowledge and change on the partners of addicts to get the addict to focus on themselves - i would say that if a person has put this into practise for a good few months and still no change then maybe a break is needed????? you can always let a person know you are there for them but you don't want to live such a dysfunctional life, if they do that's up to them - all we can do is hope one day they will change their mind..............
Keep looking after yourself..................all the best
ps: how al-anon works for families & friends of alcoholics is another good book.
Hi molly do you think it would be ok to let him know that I think he needs professional help.
When I left, I left a letter on the table outlining the reasons why I was leaving it was that he hadnt sorted out his debt and that I couldnt trust him when he goes out as he cant trust himself. (he admits to this).I didn't mention drink at all hoping that that would be implicit.
I think I dont want to go back with him until (if ever) he is well on his way to recovery. I dont want to go back if he says he will get help because I guess he would be going to get help because of me and I know thats not right.
I guess I havent given him any chance to say anything, to try and fix anything. He hasnt come forward with anything either. I mean I just havent spoken to him because I am trying to get my own head in order. I have been to al-anon meetings and they have helped .. mostly warning me not to get into the members situations. I havent heard a happy story yet which is scary and depressing and so that is what has motivated me to leave mostly. And this merry-go round thing where I know I have been enabling him and saving him from himself.
I am also worried about his heavy drinking family swooping in and telling him everythings fine that I am an intolerant prissie drama queen. But I guess that's life.. and he has his own brain.
I know I must concentrate on myself. I think what I might do is have that heart to heart, explain everythign face to face, and then leave it at that. Then get back to me and moving away from him and his woes and concentrate on my woes of finding a new place to live.
Molly thanks so much .. I am Linda and Laura.. I got mixed upJ hope this is ok. Hope everythign is good with you still.
I have that Al-anon book and I am reading a book by an irish writer called under the weather. Its a little different to the Miller and kitchum (spell? which was really insightful and explained stuff so well) in that it looks a bit at the physiological condition but concentrates on the things that push the alcoholic prone people into alcoholic dependency.. but I havent finished it. It has become an obsession for me. And I know this is a kind of addiction. But I am ready to look after myself too. So its not too bad.
Hi Laura/Linda !!!! (don't worry about that i get confused all the time!!!!)lol.
By the sound of things he does need professional help!! but facts aren't welcoming to addicts!!!! until they are ready to make the changes!
You could casually mention it to him, even leave some literature lying around, but unless he's willing to do something himself then there's not much you can do........
We can spend a lot of time understanding addiction etc. and it's quite helpful but that's it - it's the addict that needs to understand addiction not us.............hope that doesn't sound like a contradiction - i think it is extremely helpful to understand the disease, and how to live around someone who is an addict or recovering - but let's face it our knowledge of the disease won't get them better because we can't do it for them, addiction does breed co dependancy no doubt about that!!!!
I guess you should just focus on you right now, it's hard to know what you think when you're emotionally involved with someone and there are these type of problems, a break will do you good and you may be glad you didn't stick around...... i don't know!!! time will tell - if in so many months he is still the same then i guess he is just not ready!!.......
I've read quite a few books, it's liberating to let the addict deal with their problems, saying nothing (in the way of criticising, attacking etc.)is a great way of getting them to face up to themselves - and it stops you going crazy in the process!!!!! It's not easy but with practise it gets easier............. if the addict is not willing to do their part then it may be best to leave - that's a personal decision for each individual to make.....
The fact that he has family around is a good thing, at least he is not all alone, of course if he's not ready to accept that he has a problem (very strange it's just not logical - but that's addiction!!!) he will try and get you to think everything is your fault and maybe his family will too!!! don't fall for that - you know the truth and it will come out in the end any way.....................we don't have to exalt ourselves, sometimes it's best just to let go of it all................especially if people just don't get it!!!? hope i'm making some kind of sense, it's difficult to write a conversation!!
So yep just explain things to him - remember keep your peace - no matter what he says to provoke you...... keep your peace (and if you don't just giggle at how you messed up - i've done that loads!!!! but at least we are trying!!)
The break will help you to get things in perspective, give yourself time, a lot of time.............look after yourself..............must go & do some work!!!! mollyx
By the sound of things he does need professional help!! but facts aren't welcoming to addicts!!!! until they are ready to make the changes!
You could casually mention it to him, even leave some literature lying around, but unless he's willing to do something himself then there's not much you can do........
We can spend a lot of time understanding addiction etc. and it's quite helpful but that's it - it's the addict that needs to understand addiction not us.............hope that doesn't sound like a contradiction - i think it is extremely helpful to understand the disease, and how to live around someone who is an addict or recovering - but let's face it our knowledge of the disease won't get them better because we can't do it for them, addiction does breed co dependancy no doubt about that!!!!
I guess you should just focus on you right now, it's hard to know what you think when you're emotionally involved with someone and there are these type of problems, a break will do you good and you may be glad you didn't stick around...... i don't know!!! time will tell - if in so many months he is still the same then i guess he is just not ready!!.......
I've read quite a few books, it's liberating to let the addict deal with their problems, saying nothing (in the way of criticising, attacking etc.)is a great way of getting them to face up to themselves - and it stops you going crazy in the process!!!!! It's not easy but with practise it gets easier............. if the addict is not willing to do their part then it may be best to leave - that's a personal decision for each individual to make.....
The fact that he has family around is a good thing, at least he is not all alone, of course if he's not ready to accept that he has a problem (very strange it's just not logical - but that's addiction!!!) he will try and get you to think everything is your fault and maybe his family will too!!! don't fall for that - you know the truth and it will come out in the end any way.....................we don't have to exalt ourselves, sometimes it's best just to let go of it all................especially if people just don't get it!!!? hope i'm making some kind of sense, it's difficult to write a conversation!!
So yep just explain things to him - remember keep your peace - no matter what he says to provoke you...... keep your peace (and if you don't just giggle at how you messed up - i've done that loads!!!! but at least we are trying!!)
The break will help you to get things in perspective, give yourself time, a lot of time.............look after yourself..............must go & do some work!!!! mollyx
Thank you so much Molly. Everything you said makes sense. I went to talk to him last night.I knew he deserved that. He told me that he has felt so bad over the last few days that it will make a lasting impression and he will control himself because of this.. I was a bit in shock that he was trying this solution again. He believes it himself. Even though for years it hasnt worked for him.
I asked him had he ever thought about getting help over all the years alcohol has been messing with his life and surprisingly he said yes. I said I think he needed to get some professional help so that he can get better.
I explained the dysfunction of our relationship and he understood everything and agreed. His desperation was for me to stay, not to leave him alone, he cried and begged that I dont leave. I didnt want to leave, I stayed longer than I should but we chatted and I explained how I know that he loves me and that he would never do those things to me and that I had found it a really peaceful realisation that it wasnt necessarily his fault that all this crap had happened .. that it was something much bigger than him and me and us together. He said very little but I was thinking maybe something is going on in his head, maybe something is coming to light.
I think he knows how hard this is for me so maybe that makes it a little easier on him. He knows this has broken me in two and that I love him with my whole heart. but he knows and time will tell that I am not going back to what was.
We held eachother just crying, crying. I left while he was still so upset and I was so upset. I told him that if he were to get his life on track then maybe we could have a future.He asked how will he let me know that he is getting help and I said actions and no more words. Of course I have learnt that his words mean nothing. I had a hope in my heart leaving that things will come good.
How I would love to report a success story .. how amazing would it be if this worked out. I think I would cry from the rooftops..
He called today and I didnt answer. I sent an sms to say I hope he is ok, I love him but its too hard so please no more contact. I have pangs of pain in my heart, and what keeps me going is that maybe this is what will turn his life around. But I know I cant be apart of it right now. I think you are right a break will be good. I am finding a new place to live. As time goes on things will get easier and am taking just one day at a time.
Thanks again Molly.
I asked him had he ever thought about getting help over all the years alcohol has been messing with his life and surprisingly he said yes. I said I think he needed to get some professional help so that he can get better.
I explained the dysfunction of our relationship and he understood everything and agreed. His desperation was for me to stay, not to leave him alone, he cried and begged that I dont leave. I didnt want to leave, I stayed longer than I should but we chatted and I explained how I know that he loves me and that he would never do those things to me and that I had found it a really peaceful realisation that it wasnt necessarily his fault that all this crap had happened .. that it was something much bigger than him and me and us together. He said very little but I was thinking maybe something is going on in his head, maybe something is coming to light.
I think he knows how hard this is for me so maybe that makes it a little easier on him. He knows this has broken me in two and that I love him with my whole heart. but he knows and time will tell that I am not going back to what was.
We held eachother just crying, crying. I left while he was still so upset and I was so upset. I told him that if he were to get his life on track then maybe we could have a future.He asked how will he let me know that he is getting help and I said actions and no more words. Of course I have learnt that his words mean nothing. I had a hope in my heart leaving that things will come good.
How I would love to report a success story .. how amazing would it be if this worked out. I think I would cry from the rooftops..
He called today and I didnt answer. I sent an sms to say I hope he is ok, I love him but its too hard so please no more contact. I have pangs of pain in my heart, and what keeps me going is that maybe this is what will turn his life around. But I know I cant be apart of it right now. I think you are right a break will be good. I am finding a new place to live. As time goes on things will get easier and am taking just one day at a time.
Thanks again Molly.
Hiya!
wow - you're so easy to help, some people take 20 years to stop and listen and do something about their situation (oh and i don't mean listen to me - no way i only share what i've learned, it would never be my wisdom!!! lol)
Anyways i know you said you want to report a success story - well you may do just that, he's only 30 isn't he? let's hope he get's help, and by the way this will take time, and probably relapses for him to hit - enough is enough - although maybe he is already there..................
The break will definately do you good and it will help him focus on what he is doing without having you around to blame (and i guess this can happen in his own brain even if he doesn't say it out loud?!) i suppose it makes sense when a person is on their own it is easier and better for them to reflect their situation and life............ hmmmm
It would be excellant if he was willing to read some books, i think the one by ketcham is really quite comforting, there's another one called denial is not a river in egypt - (i think) - it's meant to be quite humorous (haven't got that one) - apparently one man left it lying around for his wife to read and the next minute she was reading it and then off to seek help - so there's no doubt that knowledge really helps.................
Right, i've forgotton to do the wages !!! i must go!!! you take care now and let us know how it's all going xx
wow - you're so easy to help, some people take 20 years to stop and listen and do something about their situation (oh and i don't mean listen to me - no way i only share what i've learned, it would never be my wisdom!!! lol)
Anyways i know you said you want to report a success story - well you may do just that, he's only 30 isn't he? let's hope he get's help, and by the way this will take time, and probably relapses for him to hit - enough is enough - although maybe he is already there..................
The break will definately do you good and it will help him focus on what he is doing without having you around to blame (and i guess this can happen in his own brain even if he doesn't say it out loud?!) i suppose it makes sense when a person is on their own it is easier and better for them to reflect their situation and life............ hmmmm
It would be excellant if he was willing to read some books, i think the one by ketcham is really quite comforting, there's another one called denial is not a river in egypt - (i think) - it's meant to be quite humorous (haven't got that one) - apparently one man left it lying around for his wife to read and the next minute she was reading it and then off to seek help - so there's no doubt that knowledge really helps.................
Right, i've forgotton to do the wages !!! i must go!!! you take care now and let us know how it's all going xx
Now he is moving out and I am moving back in. so I met him for lunch today to sort out money and practical thingsand I was feeling so sad and I know he hopes I am weakening, he even suggested that we go back dating. It doesnt seem to be sinking in.
but I told him that everything that was said the other night still holds. But I cried so much .. He held it together. He just hopes I will fall to pieces but I am not going to.
He says he will change and that I will never know. In other words he will learn how to control his alcohol intake. If there are no consequences I guess he will believe it himself. He is moving in with his sister, whos life revolves around drink. Great.
He is attractive and lots of girls would be dying to start a relationship with this cute sensitive guy. I think our love alone and this break-up alone isnt enough for him to make him want to give up drink. Yes he loves me and his heart is breaking but this isnt enough I think. This is hurting me a lot.
But there is nothing more I can do. I have to make a clean break now without contact and still hold onto a little bit of hope that something clicks with him. I dont think there is anything else I can do. I didnt reiterate that he needs professional help. Cos if he is going to want that,he will want it with our without me saying it I guess. All I want to do is tell him again get help and then there might be real hope. But I have to let go.
I tried to find that book Denial is not a river in Egypt but couldnt. I can order it off the web I guess. Living in just today is much easier when you have hope and now my hope is falling. I knew all along that this was going to take time, so I should just get on with things.
If there is any progress at all I will be back on this board to let you know. I want that more than anything. Molly once again thanks for your posts. The last one made me so happy about how I handled everything and gave me the reassurance that I was doing the right thing.
Last week was about getting through the week. Almost like survival. This week I think is about letting go and moving on. Do you have some posts with your story? If so would you mind bumping them up or letting me know where they are? It would be nice to know what your story is.
I know my posts sound like they should be in "families and friends" section but the crack / heroin addiction seems so different to me. I hope nobody minds me going on...
Thanks,
L.
but I told him that everything that was said the other night still holds. But I cried so much .. He held it together. He just hopes I will fall to pieces but I am not going to.
He says he will change and that I will never know. In other words he will learn how to control his alcohol intake. If there are no consequences I guess he will believe it himself. He is moving in with his sister, whos life revolves around drink. Great.
He is attractive and lots of girls would be dying to start a relationship with this cute sensitive guy. I think our love alone and this break-up alone isnt enough for him to make him want to give up drink. Yes he loves me and his heart is breaking but this isnt enough I think. This is hurting me a lot.
But there is nothing more I can do. I have to make a clean break now without contact and still hold onto a little bit of hope that something clicks with him. I dont think there is anything else I can do. I didnt reiterate that he needs professional help. Cos if he is going to want that,he will want it with our without me saying it I guess. All I want to do is tell him again get help and then there might be real hope. But I have to let go.
I tried to find that book Denial is not a river in Egypt but couldnt. I can order it off the web I guess. Living in just today is much easier when you have hope and now my hope is falling. I knew all along that this was going to take time, so I should just get on with things.
If there is any progress at all I will be back on this board to let you know. I want that more than anything. Molly once again thanks for your posts. The last one made me so happy about how I handled everything and gave me the reassurance that I was doing the right thing.
Last week was about getting through the week. Almost like survival. This week I think is about letting go and moving on. Do you have some posts with your story? If so would you mind bumping them up or letting me know where they are? It would be nice to know what your story is.
I know my posts sound like they should be in "families and friends" section but the crack / heroin addiction seems so different to me. I hope nobody minds me going on...
Thanks,
L.
Addicts usually don't want to go down alone. They want to take people with them. I got to that point several times.
There is a great song by Joss Stone called "You had me!" and it talks about how she got sick of her boyfriend's drinking and coke habit. Give a a listen sometime. The video is pretty cool too. She leaves and a note and basically tells him she's sick of being dragged down. Joss Stone Her boyfriend reminds me of me, and how one of my best friends nearly told me to f*** off if I didn't stop drinking. Actually she did but we made amends. She (can many others) got tired of watching me destroy my life.
Much luck to you!
There is a great song by Joss Stone called "You had me!" and it talks about how she got sick of her boyfriend's drinking and coke habit. Give a a listen sometime. The video is pretty cool too. She leaves and a note and basically tells him she's sick of being dragged down. Joss Stone Her boyfriend reminds me of me, and how one of my best friends nearly told me to f*** off if I didn't stop drinking. Actually she did but we made amends. She (can many others) got tired of watching me destroy my life.
Much luck to you!
I will defo try and take a listen to that track. Thanks for your post.
What finally made you look for help dragstergirl? He has come from a sh*tty place to a nice place, with a nice job and a little bit of money for the first time. To me, and now objectively, I can see he has been trying to keep afloat with all of his might. He has been fighting this addiction so hard. And it works for long periods. And he doesnt fight it just for me. Like, he really, really is giving this new life in a new city, a really hard try. Just every now and then he goes under, and he loses it. I dont feel like he wants to drag me down, it looks like he wants to keep his head above water. Up with me. Thats what it feels like to me anyway.
if I could only plant a hidden hyperlink in a secret email which would bring him to some of the posts on this message board..(lol) at least then he might realise that there are loads of other people struggling like him.
What finally made you look for help dragstergirl? He has come from a sh*tty place to a nice place, with a nice job and a little bit of money for the first time. To me, and now objectively, I can see he has been trying to keep afloat with all of his might. He has been fighting this addiction so hard. And it works for long periods. And he doesnt fight it just for me. Like, he really, really is giving this new life in a new city, a really hard try. Just every now and then he goes under, and he loses it. I dont feel like he wants to drag me down, it looks like he wants to keep his head above water. Up with me. Thats what it feels like to me anyway.
if I could only plant a hidden hyperlink in a secret email which would bring him to some of the posts on this message board..(lol) at least then he might realise that there are loads of other people struggling like him.
Basically I realized what I was doing to my friends and family. I felt guilty for bringing them down and basically made promises I knew I would never keep.
My best friend threated to end our friendship and never talk to me again if I didn't finally get help. That scared me. She got tired of watching me destroy myself. Actually she did end it once but we made amends.
The other day I was getting in touch with some friends who I have basically ignored for years. I told them my addiction and apologized for not keeping in touch. I told ALL my friends about my problem. Most of them were not surprised and they are all supportive.
Pissing off my friends, physically tired of being sick and broke, and one step away from rock bottom got my act together. But like you said, your boyfriend has to do it for himself first. I am glad to hear he's getting his life back together.
I think what really made me stop was the financial burden it was putting on me, inablity to keep a job, etc. I was also damn lucky I handn't got a DUI. I have a new car and almost had a wreck once (I hit a guard rail.) I was lucky I didn't kill myself, or worse yet someonen else. Once my best friend heard about this she went livid.
But the clincher is when a bunch of friends and I went to a Hard Rock Cafe on my birthday this past December. My tab was nearly $70 and only $9 was the meal! I about fell out of my chair. The thing is I had about 10 or 11 beers and didn't even feel drunk, just buzzed. I could walk, talk coherently, etc. Now that's sick! I was then drunk all through Christmas and New Year's, getting completely plastered and feeling sorry for myself cause this guy I had been seeing ended things with me (not because of the booze, although he questioned it all the time.) So I am tired of waking up and feeling sick, not eating properly, etc.
Thanks for sharing that with us Laura! I will keep him in my thoughts.
You might want to mention the boards to him anyway. You never know! That's how I got here......a friend led me here.
Sounds like you really care for him and he is probably afraid he is going to lose you forever if he doesn't clean himself up.
My best friend threated to end our friendship and never talk to me again if I didn't finally get help. That scared me. She got tired of watching me destroy myself. Actually she did end it once but we made amends.
The other day I was getting in touch with some friends who I have basically ignored for years. I told them my addiction and apologized for not keeping in touch. I told ALL my friends about my problem. Most of them were not surprised and they are all supportive.
Pissing off my friends, physically tired of being sick and broke, and one step away from rock bottom got my act together. But like you said, your boyfriend has to do it for himself first. I am glad to hear he's getting his life back together.
I think what really made me stop was the financial burden it was putting on me, inablity to keep a job, etc. I was also damn lucky I handn't got a DUI. I have a new car and almost had a wreck once (I hit a guard rail.) I was lucky I didn't kill myself, or worse yet someonen else. Once my best friend heard about this she went livid.
But the clincher is when a bunch of friends and I went to a Hard Rock Cafe on my birthday this past December. My tab was nearly $70 and only $9 was the meal! I about fell out of my chair. The thing is I had about 10 or 11 beers and didn't even feel drunk, just buzzed. I could walk, talk coherently, etc. Now that's sick! I was then drunk all through Christmas and New Year's, getting completely plastered and feeling sorry for myself cause this guy I had been seeing ended things with me (not because of the booze, although he questioned it all the time.) So I am tired of waking up and feeling sick, not eating properly, etc.
Thanks for sharing that with us Laura! I will keep him in my thoughts.
You might want to mention the boards to him anyway. You never know! That's how I got here......a friend led me here.
Sounds like you really care for him and he is probably afraid he is going to lose you forever if he doesn't clean himself up.
That is so great that you have turned yourself around. I just can't imagine how difficult it was. .
I love hearing about people who are strong enough to quit. It makes me think the impossible maybe isn't!
I think if I told my boyfriend s*** I mean ex-bf :-( about the boards he would find some of the stories a little too familiar ... lol. as in those written by me. hmm.. I probably should have thought about that back then.
Best of luck with your recovery. It can be easily seen how much you value your friendships.. sounds like you have good friends who care about you through all this.
L. X
I love hearing about people who are strong enough to quit. It makes me think the impossible maybe isn't!
I think if I told my boyfriend s*** I mean ex-bf :-( about the boards he would find some of the stories a little too familiar ... lol. as in those written by me. hmm.. I probably should have thought about that back then.
Best of luck with your recovery. It can be easily seen how much you value your friendships.. sounds like you have good friends who care about you through all this.
L. X
Hi Laura...
I haven't really posted a story!!! I guess i came here to find out a bit more about addiction as my husband is a recovering addict (long story!!!) and i just didn't understand anything - i do now!!! In our life we do our best to follow bible principles and that's what helps us both - (i'm not sure about posting it on here but i certainly don't mind emailing you - or anyone else for that matter).
I think you said you were with your bf for 2 years, well you know what it was like, maybe if he is on his own he can face up to how he feels when he wakes up after a "session" - i don't know? if he carries on the way he is going then it will get worse for him...............which is a shame, the fact that he said you wouldn't know if he had changed - well my guess is if he gets help he will tell you - and what he tells you will help you know ie - honesty about the problem! how he feels about what he is learning and having to face up to??? again i don't know - but he does! So - time will tell, and time will help you heal too......as an outsider looking in with no emotions entangled in the situation i would say that if he wants to get help he will, if he is serious then he will be in touch - but hey so many people play games these days !!!!! whatever happens you are protecting your own emotions and health - he knows how you feel - if he wants to sort things out he will - again if he doesn't then you are better off apart as you know......... just see how things go.......... it's been good to talk to you........oh just leave your email if you want..........(here's mine: molly13@btconnect.com) look after yourself.........
I haven't really posted a story!!! I guess i came here to find out a bit more about addiction as my husband is a recovering addict (long story!!!) and i just didn't understand anything - i do now!!! In our life we do our best to follow bible principles and that's what helps us both - (i'm not sure about posting it on here but i certainly don't mind emailing you - or anyone else for that matter).
I think you said you were with your bf for 2 years, well you know what it was like, maybe if he is on his own he can face up to how he feels when he wakes up after a "session" - i don't know? if he carries on the way he is going then it will get worse for him...............which is a shame, the fact that he said you wouldn't know if he had changed - well my guess is if he gets help he will tell you - and what he tells you will help you know ie - honesty about the problem! how he feels about what he is learning and having to face up to??? again i don't know - but he does! So - time will tell, and time will help you heal too......as an outsider looking in with no emotions entangled in the situation i would say that if he wants to get help he will, if he is serious then he will be in touch - but hey so many people play games these days !!!!! whatever happens you are protecting your own emotions and health - he knows how you feel - if he wants to sort things out he will - again if he doesn't then you are better off apart as you know......... just see how things go.......... it's been good to talk to you........oh just leave your email if you want..........(here's mine: molly13@btconnect.com) look after yourself.........
Hi Molly, no worries at all re: your story. Would like to hear it someday though as you seem to be well in tune with this whole addiction thing. You seem to have things straight in your head .. which is so refreshing. and will post my email up the next time if you did decide to jot a little about your past. Would be really interested.
Last night was the apartment and keys handover. We are getting on well, and he is being so good about everything. He didnt get cross or frustrated once. Although I know he is being on his best behaviour. He told me he was going to get me back. That this isnt worrying him too much because he is going to get everything together and get me back. God, if you could just see his eyes.
When I speak with him I always say there is nothing I want more than for him to get in control of his own life. And I tell him I love him and that I hope with my whole heart that things work out for him.
He is sorting his debt out apparently but I asked him to spare me the details. Dont want to know about the journey to a clean credit rating. Just want it clean. He told me (although I had spotted it already) that Alen Carr book, the easy way to control alcohol.(anyone have any feelings about this book???) He explained how the author tries to reestablish your perception of alcohol as not necessarily being a good thing. I remember reading a few pages of it before and it seemed like pretty heavy going. Again I didnt want to talk too much about it as I didnt really want to hear about the journey as I am trying to cut myself off from the worry and the hope .. for now anyway. Better for him and for me
I feel so much more at ease. My mind is even beginning to see things in a more sane way I think. Although who knows. All I know is I spent the first night back in our apartment on my own and everything was ok. I wasnt worried about him but I had a hope in my heart that things were going to work out. So now I feel good.
He had found that Kitcham and Millar (?) Under the influence book and I dont think he read very much of it as he didnt make any reference to it, except asked me where I got it. But he has taken some surveys on the web which tell him he has medium dependency on alcohol. I just hope he understands that will-power wont do this. I have never been more certain about anything. He needs professional help. He needs to talk about to a doctor. He suffers from some kind of social anxiety, never diagnosed with anything, but this is one of the contributing factors to him falling into problem drinking so quickly. (if thats quick.. probably not actually..) I know I sound like I am the doctor but I really feel if this was tackled through therapy this would help in such a huge way.
I said I would talk to him again next week. Not 100% sure if this is a good idea. But will deal with that next week.tiny bit worried about the imminent onset of impatience from his point of view, but again, can deal with that next week. Just for today.. just for today.
Thanks for listening.
L.
Last night was the apartment and keys handover. We are getting on well, and he is being so good about everything. He didnt get cross or frustrated once. Although I know he is being on his best behaviour. He told me he was going to get me back. That this isnt worrying him too much because he is going to get everything together and get me back. God, if you could just see his eyes.
When I speak with him I always say there is nothing I want more than for him to get in control of his own life. And I tell him I love him and that I hope with my whole heart that things work out for him.
He is sorting his debt out apparently but I asked him to spare me the details. Dont want to know about the journey to a clean credit rating. Just want it clean. He told me (although I had spotted it already) that Alen Carr book, the easy way to control alcohol.(anyone have any feelings about this book???) He explained how the author tries to reestablish your perception of alcohol as not necessarily being a good thing. I remember reading a few pages of it before and it seemed like pretty heavy going. Again I didnt want to talk too much about it as I didnt really want to hear about the journey as I am trying to cut myself off from the worry and the hope .. for now anyway. Better for him and for me
I feel so much more at ease. My mind is even beginning to see things in a more sane way I think. Although who knows. All I know is I spent the first night back in our apartment on my own and everything was ok. I wasnt worried about him but I had a hope in my heart that things were going to work out. So now I feel good.
He had found that Kitcham and Millar (?) Under the influence book and I dont think he read very much of it as he didnt make any reference to it, except asked me where I got it. But he has taken some surveys on the web which tell him he has medium dependency on alcohol. I just hope he understands that will-power wont do this. I have never been more certain about anything. He needs professional help. He needs to talk about to a doctor. He suffers from some kind of social anxiety, never diagnosed with anything, but this is one of the contributing factors to him falling into problem drinking so quickly. (if thats quick.. probably not actually..) I know I sound like I am the doctor but I really feel if this was tackled through therapy this would help in such a huge way.
I said I would talk to him again next week. Not 100% sure if this is a good idea. But will deal with that next week.tiny bit worried about the imminent onset of impatience from his point of view, but again, can deal with that next week. Just for today.. just for today.
Thanks for listening.
L.
Hi L !
Good to hear from you...............
Things seem to be going ok for now then - that's good - hey i've read allen carrs book - i know what you mean about it being a bit heavy going! but actually he was an alcoholic too he just doesn't agree with everything AA say - now i'm not going to bash AA i really respect and appreciate what they do - allen carr looks more into the way with think about alcohol actually i think it is quite good you know - i suppose at times his style of writing is a bit p'raps harsh, but then again he is just very blunt and to be fair what he says is true, he does give quite a few illustrations too which are always helpful to get you thinking, but hey i don't take him as God!!!! in fairness to the man it is a good book, he was an alcoholic and no longer drinks - so he shouldn't really get other alcoholics backs up........... Anyway it's good that your ex (4 now!) is reading something, actually that book will help him to change his thinking on things!!! oh my life it actually made me hate booze and i only p'raps have 2-3 glasses of wine at the weekend and that's not even every weekend!!! hmmmmmmmmm!!
I looked up some scriptures on alcohol - very simple really, remind to put them up here next time.................funny how alcoholism is in the bible!!! hmmmmm not as directly as you would think though!!! (mindue it's not a medical text book and doesn't claim to be) interesting anyway...
My husband is doing ok - he's drug free and fought a lot of his demons before we met and of course many since, but we have direction - although it's not always easy, things always get better when you make changes in the right direction..........
It's good you didn't have to find anywhere else to live, and i'ts good to hear you're finding some peace......... simple advice - do things you enjoy, eat well (amazingly important!!!) exercise (wow something i need to do!!!) basically look after yourself......... who knows how things will turn out - it sounds like he wants things to anyway.... give it time!!! i suppose we do have to try and not be too cynical because that doesn't help does it, but once we detach and let go it's a lot easier to get the right perspective of things..... i'm grateful to al-anon literature for that and melody beattie books too.......
good talking to you......speak soon mollyx
Good to hear from you...............
Things seem to be going ok for now then - that's good - hey i've read allen carrs book - i know what you mean about it being a bit heavy going! but actually he was an alcoholic too he just doesn't agree with everything AA say - now i'm not going to bash AA i really respect and appreciate what they do - allen carr looks more into the way with think about alcohol actually i think it is quite good you know - i suppose at times his style of writing is a bit p'raps harsh, but then again he is just very blunt and to be fair what he says is true, he does give quite a few illustrations too which are always helpful to get you thinking, but hey i don't take him as God!!!! in fairness to the man it is a good book, he was an alcoholic and no longer drinks - so he shouldn't really get other alcoholics backs up........... Anyway it's good that your ex (4 now!) is reading something, actually that book will help him to change his thinking on things!!! oh my life it actually made me hate booze and i only p'raps have 2-3 glasses of wine at the weekend and that's not even every weekend!!! hmmmmmmmmm!!
I looked up some scriptures on alcohol - very simple really, remind to put them up here next time.................funny how alcoholism is in the bible!!! hmmmmm not as directly as you would think though!!! (mindue it's not a medical text book and doesn't claim to be) interesting anyway...
My husband is doing ok - he's drug free and fought a lot of his demons before we met and of course many since, but we have direction - although it's not always easy, things always get better when you make changes in the right direction..........
It's good you didn't have to find anywhere else to live, and i'ts good to hear you're finding some peace......... simple advice - do things you enjoy, eat well (amazingly important!!!) exercise (wow something i need to do!!!) basically look after yourself......... who knows how things will turn out - it sounds like he wants things to anyway.... give it time!!! i suppose we do have to try and not be too cynical because that doesn't help does it, but once we detach and let go it's a lot easier to get the right perspective of things..... i'm grateful to al-anon literature for that and melody beattie books too.......
good talking to you......speak soon mollyx
I have been feeling so well over the last week.
To add to complications I work with his sister and everynow and then I hear her on the phone saying something about something.. I wish so much that I hadnt heard the most recent conversation that he has lost his keys to the apartment when he was out with his friend J.
Being out with his friend J means drugs & alcohol. Oh god I have been trying to detach.. and I can and maybe its a good thing I have heard this so I am not living in some dream world telling myself he is in treatment and he is all ready to give up all his vices.. but I wont deny that I have been very happy since the last time we met because he seemed so insistant that things were going to get better.
I guess its turning out just like every other case. And I feel alcohol winning. But back to me. Must keep shifting the focus back to me. But I cant help feeling the tears. And they are different tears. They arent there because I have left the man I love they are there because he has given up so soon.
I know there are relapses.. but I guess I should just cut myself off. I told him I would chat to him this week. Molly what do you think? Do you think I should see him and chat things through with him or do you think I should cut off contact? I cant find the answer from myself for some reason. I think I am being driven too much by wanting to see him ..
After all my strength and good intentions all I want to do is see him and hug him. Not to comfort him and look after him but to just be with him for a couple of hours. I think I will meet him on Thursday just to see him and remind him of me. Or something. I am wary that he could get impatient. When that happens I have decided I will have to stop seeing and talking to him.
I havent seen or spoken to him since last Wednesday. I think maybe I havent felt the heartbreak of losing my boyfriend yet because I spent so much bloody time being pleased that I dont have to worry about the alcohol anymore. And have spent a lot of the time believing in him and his hopes to quit. I guess I havent really been practising detachment in the true sense of the word. I have been living day to day and have stopped myself from thinking about reality I think.
Oh this is so sad. So sad. I want him to get fixed. But I know I want to be fixed too.
Thanks for listening
L.X
To add to complications I work with his sister and everynow and then I hear her on the phone saying something about something.. I wish so much that I hadnt heard the most recent conversation that he has lost his keys to the apartment when he was out with his friend J.
Being out with his friend J means drugs & alcohol. Oh god I have been trying to detach.. and I can and maybe its a good thing I have heard this so I am not living in some dream world telling myself he is in treatment and he is all ready to give up all his vices.. but I wont deny that I have been very happy since the last time we met because he seemed so insistant that things were going to get better.
I guess its turning out just like every other case. And I feel alcohol winning. But back to me. Must keep shifting the focus back to me. But I cant help feeling the tears. And they are different tears. They arent there because I have left the man I love they are there because he has given up so soon.
I know there are relapses.. but I guess I should just cut myself off. I told him I would chat to him this week. Molly what do you think? Do you think I should see him and chat things through with him or do you think I should cut off contact? I cant find the answer from myself for some reason. I think I am being driven too much by wanting to see him ..
After all my strength and good intentions all I want to do is see him and hug him. Not to comfort him and look after him but to just be with him for a couple of hours. I think I will meet him on Thursday just to see him and remind him of me. Or something. I am wary that he could get impatient. When that happens I have decided I will have to stop seeing and talking to him.
I havent seen or spoken to him since last Wednesday. I think maybe I havent felt the heartbreak of losing my boyfriend yet because I spent so much bloody time being pleased that I dont have to worry about the alcohol anymore. And have spent a lot of the time believing in him and his hopes to quit. I guess I havent really been practising detachment in the true sense of the word. I have been living day to day and have stopped myself from thinking about reality I think.
Oh this is so sad. So sad. I want him to get fixed. But I know I want to be fixed too.
Thanks for listening
L.X
I would say each decision depends on the circumstances and how each person has been affected.......
I guess i would ask myself - is he facing his problems and serious about dealing with them, or is he happy to carry on as he was??? if he is going to carry on as he was then i guess he is just not ready (well just does not want to sort things out and unfortunately has to wait for things to get worse and i suppose they will ? this could take a few more years?)- that is sad of course (and sooooooooo frustrating!!!!!) ...........
It's up to you whether you see him and talk to him, i'm sure it will do no harm to ask his sister how he is doing/feeling etc.. (does she acknowledge his drinking??) give it lots more time, i know we get impatient that's because we don't experience what they are doing/going through etc. all we see is the easy solution and i guess that's not the case!!!
Obviously from living with the situation for some time you realised it was not what you wanted, we can have compassion for people and genuinely so, however we can't solve their problems, we can offer help and support - we are really at a dead end unless a person does something too - does that make sense? (and of course that's why we develop co -dependant behaviour!!! nightmare!!)
hmmmm ???!!! you know what you are doing, remember it's time - and at least you are doing something to work on yourself..............
No contact is a rule we may set up for ourselves, might not always be easy to stick to that, might not always be necessary it's up to each person .......
you take care now i need to go argggggggghhhhh (i suppose i do have to do my work!! lol)
I guess i would ask myself - is he facing his problems and serious about dealing with them, or is he happy to carry on as he was??? if he is going to carry on as he was then i guess he is just not ready (well just does not want to sort things out and unfortunately has to wait for things to get worse and i suppose they will ? this could take a few more years?)- that is sad of course (and sooooooooo frustrating!!!!!) ...........
It's up to you whether you see him and talk to him, i'm sure it will do no harm to ask his sister how he is doing/feeling etc.. (does she acknowledge his drinking??) give it lots more time, i know we get impatient that's because we don't experience what they are doing/going through etc. all we see is the easy solution and i guess that's not the case!!!
Obviously from living with the situation for some time you realised it was not what you wanted, we can have compassion for people and genuinely so, however we can't solve their problems, we can offer help and support - we are really at a dead end unless a person does something too - does that make sense? (and of course that's why we develop co -dependant behaviour!!! nightmare!!)
hmmmm ???!!! you know what you are doing, remember it's time - and at least you are doing something to work on yourself..............
No contact is a rule we may set up for ourselves, might not always be easy to stick to that, might not always be necessary it's up to each person .......
you take care now i need to go argggggggghhhhh (i suppose i do have to do my work!! lol)
Hi Molly, I can check my yahoo only at weekends.. (had a quick preview on my mobile .. looking forward to it this weekend) Thanks for the reply.
I met him yesterday for lunch and we caught up although I wasnt sure I wanted to hear the details. But he insisted on it. The whole lunch was extremely amicable and not a single tear from me! I am so proud. He hasnt drank in a few weeks. He has finished that Allen Carr book .. and he explained how its helping. He is taking some kind of path. Its his own path and I am thinking pretty unique. I guess you have to try lots of different ways before you hit it. I mean his way is going out with work having a lucozade and some water and then heading off home .. I mean this is miserable but I guess he is working through this. Still hanging with his drinking buddies but hes sober.. I know I couldnt do it! I would be bored in a split second.
His sister is persuading him to stop being so stupid Just drink in moderation She has seen the pain that this whole thing has caused his mum!! So why?? ah well I guess she has problems of her own. He has explained to her that the simple truth is he cant control it. So that is why hes giving it up. Think that is defo a breakthrough. I am guessing this thought will fluctuate over time.. Time time.. thanks Molly I needed to hear that last time round.
In addition he is subsituting alcohol with other stuff. I think temporarily? So the escapism is still there .. but this is his way I guess. Soften the blow or something. He certainly isnt in any form of recovery thats for sure.. but hes nearer to it than he was 3 weeks ago. This is positive. I am staying away and letting him discover all these things for himself. No pain to me. Maybe he is ready and this is the turning point in his life. Maybe hell go back to how he was. Either way I am protected and looking after me.
Anyone read that addictive thinking book. Author: twerski or something. Reading it at the moment and really interesting from both the Addict and codependent point of view.
I gave him Denial is not a river in Egypt I read it. Its funny, some brilliant one-liners think it would be fab for someone in recovery. Like for me (smile) but not sure its going to bring too many people out of denial. Its a lovely book. Really nice cover.
Anyway thats the situation to date. I am feeling good. Trying not to let my mood depend too much on the fact that he has built my hope. Off on a short trip next week. Am excited. So still thinking in today.. but planning for next week. Its nice.
Thanks for listening
L.X
I met him yesterday for lunch and we caught up although I wasnt sure I wanted to hear the details. But he insisted on it. The whole lunch was extremely amicable and not a single tear from me! I am so proud. He hasnt drank in a few weeks. He has finished that Allen Carr book .. and he explained how its helping. He is taking some kind of path. Its his own path and I am thinking pretty unique. I guess you have to try lots of different ways before you hit it. I mean his way is going out with work having a lucozade and some water and then heading off home .. I mean this is miserable but I guess he is working through this. Still hanging with his drinking buddies but hes sober.. I know I couldnt do it! I would be bored in a split second.
His sister is persuading him to stop being so stupid Just drink in moderation She has seen the pain that this whole thing has caused his mum!! So why?? ah well I guess she has problems of her own. He has explained to her that the simple truth is he cant control it. So that is why hes giving it up. Think that is defo a breakthrough. I am guessing this thought will fluctuate over time.. Time time.. thanks Molly I needed to hear that last time round.
In addition he is subsituting alcohol with other stuff. I think temporarily? So the escapism is still there .. but this is his way I guess. Soften the blow or something. He certainly isnt in any form of recovery thats for sure.. but hes nearer to it than he was 3 weeks ago. This is positive. I am staying away and letting him discover all these things for himself. No pain to me. Maybe he is ready and this is the turning point in his life. Maybe hell go back to how he was. Either way I am protected and looking after me.
Anyone read that addictive thinking book. Author: twerski or something. Reading it at the moment and really interesting from both the Addict and codependent point of view.
I gave him Denial is not a river in Egypt I read it. Its funny, some brilliant one-liners think it would be fab for someone in recovery. Like for me (smile) but not sure its going to bring too many people out of denial. Its a lovely book. Really nice cover.
Anyway thats the situation to date. I am feeling good. Trying not to let my mood depend too much on the fact that he has built my hope. Off on a short trip next week. Am excited. So still thinking in today.. but planning for next week. Its nice.
Thanks for listening
L.X
