While I have a little time to myself & no one is looking over my shoulder, I just had to put something out here. I can't even say out loud to myself that I think I may be an alcoholic, but I fear that I am. I want to drink even when I don't want to drink. I can be so sick of the taste, but still feel compelled to drink. I've even gagged them down sometimes. Not long ago I went an entire 5 days without a drink. I was so proud of myself that I congratulated myself with a drink. And then another one, of course. I feel locked up inside myself & alone. This is brief, but the problem is not. This is my first step to doing something here. I would appreciate any comments anyone may have & hope to hear from someone.
Thanks, Sylvia
Sylvia
You are not alone. We have all been where you are right now.
The fact that you are seeking help is a positive sign.
Not too long ago, everyday I would try just to have two drinks and stop just to find out that I could not stop at two no matter how hard I tried. Instead I would just end up drinking untill I blacked out or passed out.
I felt so alone and hopeless like there was no way out, but there is hope, now I haven't had a drink for 47 days and counting.
I do this by staying away from that first drink, one day at a time.
Just don't drink today. All we have is today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet.
Keep posting, the people here have helped me out alot.
Cailyn
You are not alone. We have all been where you are right now.
The fact that you are seeking help is a positive sign.
Not too long ago, everyday I would try just to have two drinks and stop just to find out that I could not stop at two no matter how hard I tried. Instead I would just end up drinking untill I blacked out or passed out.
I felt so alone and hopeless like there was no way out, but there is hope, now I haven't had a drink for 47 days and counting.
I do this by staying away from that first drink, one day at a time.
Just don't drink today. All we have is today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet.
Keep posting, the people here have helped me out alot.
Cailyn
If you did not have a problem with the booze it would have never crossed your mind that you do.
Sylvia, I was a lot like you; I'd too congratulate myself with a drink which led to a drunk and then into a blackout...because I managed to stay away from booze for day or two...but it got to a point that I drank because I was happy, sad or let's face it anytime! Do you feel you can no longer enjoy your drinking, are you trying to manage and control it and it is not working? Is your life unmanageable?
Cailyn,
Thanks for posting. I can relate to what you said & it helps. Your 47 day mark is encouraging. I've only blacked out once in my life, but that doesn't mean I'm not drinking a lot. I just space it out during the evening, when I get home from work. I drink by stealth. When no one is in the room, I sneak to the cabinet & have a quick shot or two. Sometimes more if no one is around for awhile. I do get up during the night & drink, too. I wake up, go have a drink. Fall asleep, wake up. Go get a drink. Don't think for a moment I am not feeling the effects just because I don't black out. But, last weekend was pretty bad. I felt out of control. I feel out of control a lot. I drank yesterday. I want to focus on just today. Not drink for just today.
Sylvia
Thanks for posting. I can relate to what you said & it helps. Your 47 day mark is encouraging. I've only blacked out once in my life, but that doesn't mean I'm not drinking a lot. I just space it out during the evening, when I get home from work. I drink by stealth. When no one is in the room, I sneak to the cabinet & have a quick shot or two. Sometimes more if no one is around for awhile. I do get up during the night & drink, too. I wake up, go have a drink. Fall asleep, wake up. Go get a drink. Don't think for a moment I am not feeling the effects just because I don't black out. But, last weekend was pretty bad. I felt out of control. I feel out of control a lot. I drank yesterday. I want to focus on just today. Not drink for just today.
Sylvia
VWGirl
I use to feel like my life was very much in control, didn't drink much at all. That is, until one of my adult children was diagnosed with cancer. That was the triggering event. The idea of my child having cancer was relentless in my mind. It was far along when discovered. Nothing could distract me from it. And then I discovered that drinking at least deadened the fear & gave me a place to ease up for a short while. The pace of life was incredible with surgery & then chemo & then radiation. And then I had a son who went to Iraq...he was security for convoys, very dangerous work. While these things are triggering events, I am trying hard not to justify my drinking by these events. I started drinking hard due to stressors & now one of the stressors is the drinking. And no, drinking is no longer enjoyable. It takes a lot more liquor to get me to feel buzzed & then I don't feel good at all. I keep looking for that former 'feel good' feeling & it is no longer there. One of my challeges is that fact that my house is where I have done my drinking. It's not like I can avoid being here. I've discovered an aa meeting not too far away that I might try. A bit scared about that one.
Your posting means a lot, thank you.
Sylvia
I use to feel like my life was very much in control, didn't drink much at all. That is, until one of my adult children was diagnosed with cancer. That was the triggering event. The idea of my child having cancer was relentless in my mind. It was far along when discovered. Nothing could distract me from it. And then I discovered that drinking at least deadened the fear & gave me a place to ease up for a short while. The pace of life was incredible with surgery & then chemo & then radiation. And then I had a son who went to Iraq...he was security for convoys, very dangerous work. While these things are triggering events, I am trying hard not to justify my drinking by these events. I started drinking hard due to stressors & now one of the stressors is the drinking. And no, drinking is no longer enjoyable. It takes a lot more liquor to get me to feel buzzed & then I don't feel good at all. I keep looking for that former 'feel good' feeling & it is no longer there. One of my challeges is that fact that my house is where I have done my drinking. It's not like I can avoid being here. I've discovered an aa meeting not too far away that I might try. A bit scared about that one.
Your posting means a lot, thank you.
Sylvia
Michael,
Good point.
Sylvia
Good point.
Sylvia
Sylvia, For me drinking was just a symptom of other issues that were going on in my life. I think that an AA meeting might be just the thing you need. Going to meetings has definitely been a catalyst in my sobriety; I've got a little over two years sober. By working a 12 Step program of recovery I'm learning how to deal with life on life's terms. Take it easy and remember we just don't drink for today ~ that's all you have to do, is just not drink for today...
Sylvia,
Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned the blacking out thing. One certainly doesn't need to wait till it gets that bad.
Actually that only started happening to me a month or two before I dedided to quit. Though blacking out is definately a sign of big trouble really any one who can not cut down to two drinks a day when they try is already in serious trouble with their drinking. Another sign that spells trouble is if your appetite has decreased due to drinking. ( More interested in drinking than eating)
I saw on another reply that you do most of your drinking at home. Me too, and even though I drank right in front of my husband I would sneak more after he said he thought I had enough already. (Don't think it really fooled him though, he could tell how much Whiskey was missing afterall.)
Anyway, The point is that we had to get all the liquor out of the house in order to detox. My husband doesn't even buy beer even though I don't even like beer and he is not an alcoholic just to make it easier on me.
I had to admit to my husband that I thought I might be an alcoholic so he could help me, and guess what he already suspected that was the case.
Check out an AA meeting, you are not obligated to keep going if you don't want to, so feel free to check it out for yourself.
Hang in there, there is hope.
Cailyn
Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned the blacking out thing. One certainly doesn't need to wait till it gets that bad.
Actually that only started happening to me a month or two before I dedided to quit. Though blacking out is definately a sign of big trouble really any one who can not cut down to two drinks a day when they try is already in serious trouble with their drinking. Another sign that spells trouble is if your appetite has decreased due to drinking. ( More interested in drinking than eating)
I saw on another reply that you do most of your drinking at home. Me too, and even though I drank right in front of my husband I would sneak more after he said he thought I had enough already. (Don't think it really fooled him though, he could tell how much Whiskey was missing afterall.)
Anyway, The point is that we had to get all the liquor out of the house in order to detox. My husband doesn't even buy beer even though I don't even like beer and he is not an alcoholic just to make it easier on me.
I had to admit to my husband that I thought I might be an alcoholic so he could help me, and guess what he already suspected that was the case.
Check out an AA meeting, you are not obligated to keep going if you don't want to, so feel free to check it out for yourself.
Hang in there, there is hope.
Cailyn
Cailyn,
I haven't had a drink since last Saturday night, so part of me feels good about that. Too afraid to be too pleased, for fear it will all come crashing down. I decided to confide in my husband. He thought that sometimes I drank a bit too much, but he said he had not quite realized just how much I was sneaking. That's because sometimes I would go down to the liquor store & buy a smaller bottle to replenish what I was drinking out of the larger bottle. I would refill it late at night when he was asleep. IAnyway, we got rid of the alcohol we had in the house & he has volunteered not to drink here at home. It was a sense of relief to tell him what was going on for me. I do know this is not going to be easy. Got to move along here. Someone just popped over unexpectedly. Thanks so much for sharing.
Sylvia
I haven't had a drink since last Saturday night, so part of me feels good about that. Too afraid to be too pleased, for fear it will all come crashing down. I decided to confide in my husband. He thought that sometimes I drank a bit too much, but he said he had not quite realized just how much I was sneaking. That's because sometimes I would go down to the liquor store & buy a smaller bottle to replenish what I was drinking out of the larger bottle. I would refill it late at night when he was asleep. IAnyway, we got rid of the alcohol we had in the house & he has volunteered not to drink here at home. It was a sense of relief to tell him what was going on for me. I do know this is not going to be easy. Got to move along here. Someone just popped over unexpectedly. Thanks so much for sharing.
Sylvia
Good for you Sylvia.
What you about to do is not easy, but is very important. I know you are afraid, I was too when I started this.
When I started this I didn't think " I am not going to drink for the next fifty days"
I just thought "I am not going to drink today." And just kept that up for fifty days in a row. Just remember to take it one day at a time.
It is good that you told your husband because it would be difficult to do something as drastic as not drinking without him knowing. Nice of him to volunteer to not drink at the house in order to have a dry house for detoxing.
He sounds like a nice guy.
I can relate to what you were saying about filling up the big bottle with a little bottle, not because I did that-but because it had certainly crossed my mind to do so. Instead a vow that I would take it easy on the stuff this time usually got me another bottle even if I had gone through the previous one too quickly.
We are proud of you for what you are doing!
Keep it up.
Cailyn
What you about to do is not easy, but is very important. I know you are afraid, I was too when I started this.
When I started this I didn't think " I am not going to drink for the next fifty days"
I just thought "I am not going to drink today." And just kept that up for fifty days in a row. Just remember to take it one day at a time.
It is good that you told your husband because it would be difficult to do something as drastic as not drinking without him knowing. Nice of him to volunteer to not drink at the house in order to have a dry house for detoxing.
He sounds like a nice guy.
I can relate to what you were saying about filling up the big bottle with a little bottle, not because I did that-but because it had certainly crossed my mind to do so. Instead a vow that I would take it easy on the stuff this time usually got me another bottle even if I had gone through the previous one too quickly.
We are proud of you for what you are doing!
Keep it up.
Cailyn
Cailyn,
Your moral support means so much to me, I hope you know this. I have been extremely busy at work as a coworker as been on vacation, so that helps to keep me busy. I did go to an AA meeting the other night. I found it online although the website didn't have the time quite right. I was nervous, but it was an okay meeting. I wasn't so so sure I would go. My husband works late one day a week & that is the night I went. I told myself I would at least drive by the place & if it looked okay, I'd go in. It looked okay, but it took me a few minutes before I could actually get my body out of the car. I will go next week, too. Again, thanks for your input. I need it desperately.
Sylvia
Your moral support means so much to me, I hope you know this. I have been extremely busy at work as a coworker as been on vacation, so that helps to keep me busy. I did go to an AA meeting the other night. I found it online although the website didn't have the time quite right. I was nervous, but it was an okay meeting. I wasn't so so sure I would go. My husband works late one day a week & that is the night I went. I told myself I would at least drive by the place & if it looked okay, I'd go in. It looked okay, but it took me a few minutes before I could actually get my body out of the car. I will go next week, too. Again, thanks for your input. I need it desperately.
Sylvia
Sylvia,
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you.
I was away from the computer most of the weekend and I had a bit of a relapse so I trying to figure out what to say to you.
Don't go by me, I guess, this is the first time I tried to quit drinking and I didn't realize the spaciness ( inability to concentrate, make a decision, or remember things) would go on for so long.
I figured since alcohol withdrawl was causing this spaciness that alcohol would help. It does help but I am not recommending that as a course of action. It is just that I am running my own home based business and I can no be so spaced out all the time that I can not work.
Not that I am drinking alot, just enough to make the spaciness from withdrawls subside a bit. Not saying that drinking to deal with withdrawl is the best way to go, I just didn't know what else to do since the spaciness from withdrawl was so bad I couldn't concentrate even after 52 days.
Anyways don't go by me, like I said, this is my first attempt at quitting. There are alot of other people here that have put together more time than me who will be more of a help to you, plus people at the meetings.
Take care,
Cailyn
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you.
I was away from the computer most of the weekend and I had a bit of a relapse so I trying to figure out what to say to you.
Don't go by me, I guess, this is the first time I tried to quit drinking and I didn't realize the spaciness ( inability to concentrate, make a decision, or remember things) would go on for so long.
I figured since alcohol withdrawl was causing this spaciness that alcohol would help. It does help but I am not recommending that as a course of action. It is just that I am running my own home based business and I can no be so spaced out all the time that I can not work.
Not that I am drinking alot, just enough to make the spaciness from withdrawls subside a bit. Not saying that drinking to deal with withdrawl is the best way to go, I just didn't know what else to do since the spaciness from withdrawl was so bad I couldn't concentrate even after 52 days.
Anyways don't go by me, like I said, this is my first attempt at quitting. There are alot of other people here that have put together more time than me who will be more of a help to you, plus people at the meetings.
Take care,
Cailyn
Sylvia,
That's the best way I can deal with it.........just don't drink today. When I first gave up booze I was overwhelmed like "How can I not possibly ever have another drop of booze for the rest of my life?" But you can't think that way.
And if you are questioning yourself to whether you have a drinking problem or not, then maybe you do. I questioned myself years ago, but didn't do anything about it till I nearly hit rock bottom. Luckily I never had a DUI or anything, but I probably should have. There were many times I drove dunk.
The worst part about quitting is the physical withdrawls and realizing that you have to deal with life problems sober. But you can't look at the big picture.
Just don't drink today. Much luck to you! Once I admitted to myself I was an alcoholi then I told all my friends, family's. EVERYONE. Most of them suspected it anyway.
That's the best way I can deal with it.........just don't drink today. When I first gave up booze I was overwhelmed like "How can I not possibly ever have another drop of booze for the rest of my life?" But you can't think that way.
And if you are questioning yourself to whether you have a drinking problem or not, then maybe you do. I questioned myself years ago, but didn't do anything about it till I nearly hit rock bottom. Luckily I never had a DUI or anything, but I probably should have. There were many times I drove dunk.
The worst part about quitting is the physical withdrawls and realizing that you have to deal with life problems sober. But you can't look at the big picture.
Just don't drink today. Much luck to you! Once I admitted to myself I was an alcoholi then I told all my friends, family's. EVERYONE. Most of them suspected it anyway.
Cailyn, Remember most of us were pretty damaged and broken when we quit drinking, so just like if you broke your leg in a bunch of places, it will take time to heal emotionally too. It took quite a while for the fog to lift for me...but God saw me through that difficult period.
DragsterGirl, Congratulations on your sobriety. Loved reading your post!
DragsterGirl, Congratulations on your sobriety. Loved reading your post!
http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm
It takes a while for your mind to clear up after stopping Alcohol. We are all different. But it can take a good 6 months or even longer to get rid of that spacey feeling.
Im 10 months of booze and my mind is finally starting to come around. It feels like your stoned but your not smoking.
I was like you were alcohol made me think better or I thought. But if you keep drinking it will make it alot worst in the long run.
You better stop now because it will get alot worst later down the road.
It takes a while for your mind to clear up after stopping Alcohol. We are all different. But it can take a good 6 months or even longer to get rid of that spacey feeling.
Im 10 months of booze and my mind is finally starting to come around. It feels like your stoned but your not smoking.
I was like you were alcohol made me think better or I thought. But if you keep drinking it will make it alot worst in the long run.
You better stop now because it will get alot worst later down the road.
Actually the fog my already left. It was just that my physical brain wasn't working. Two different things: The Mind and the Brain.
I just don't have six months to devote to detoxing, cause I can't afford not to work for that long. ( I had quit drinking over Christmas break, so that I could be done with the withdrawls by the first or second week in January)
Anyway I have decided to try the moderation thing. If it doesn't work I will be back.
Thanks everyone for all your advice, I hope you don't feel that I have wasted your time.
Cailyn
I just don't have six months to devote to detoxing, cause I can't afford not to work for that long. ( I had quit drinking over Christmas break, so that I could be done with the withdrawls by the first or second week in January)
Anyway I have decided to try the moderation thing. If it doesn't work I will be back.
Thanks everyone for all your advice, I hope you don't feel that I have wasted your time.
Cailyn
Actually detoxing only takes a week. Its your brain chemicals that take time to slowly get back to normal. For you it might only take a couple weeks not 6 months. We are all different.
Remember these words. You better STOP now or it can get alot worst.
I had the same attitude as you and i went further down the road and the harder it will be to get back.
You already know you have a problem don't ignor it now. You already have signs of physical addiction to it. Moderation is not the answer.
You probably had a drink when you said moderations is the key. Don't lie to your self. You can do it!! If I can anyone can.
I rember when I had to be real drunk just to feel ok, If not i would be in constant state of withdrawal.
Think back on how you felt before you ever had a drink. When there was no monkey on your back. You can feel that way again.
Remember these words. You better STOP now or it can get alot worst.
I had the same attitude as you and i went further down the road and the harder it will be to get back.
You already know you have a problem don't ignor it now. You already have signs of physical addiction to it. Moderation is not the answer.
You probably had a drink when you said moderations is the key. Don't lie to your self. You can do it!! If I can anyone can.
I rember when I had to be real drunk just to feel ok, If not i would be in constant state of withdrawal.
Think back on how you felt before you ever had a drink. When there was no monkey on your back. You can feel that way again.
Well, for me, after 52 days of complete abstinence I could barely concentrate long enough to tie my own shoes, let alone run my own business. So that is how my particular biochemistry applied in this situation.
Anyway, thank you for your concern, but I don't think I will be posting much here as this board in more geared toward quitting, not just merely moderating.
As is AA, which is OK. Never drinking again at all is also a viable option for those wanting to take that route.
Let's say though, just for the sake of argument, that I was able to moderate my drinking to let's say no more than six drinks a week. (1.5 oz, no doubles) and maintain that, would that be a success? Or would it be a failure cause it fell short of complete abstinence?
Cause to me that would be a success, even if it wouldn't be by AA standards.
Nothing against AA or this board, just wondering.
Cailyn
Anyway, thank you for your concern, but I don't think I will be posting much here as this board in more geared toward quitting, not just merely moderating.
As is AA, which is OK. Never drinking again at all is also a viable option for those wanting to take that route.
Let's say though, just for the sake of argument, that I was able to moderate my drinking to let's say no more than six drinks a week. (1.5 oz, no doubles) and maintain that, would that be a success? Or would it be a failure cause it fell short of complete abstinence?
Cause to me that would be a success, even if it wouldn't be by AA standards.
Nothing against AA or this board, just wondering.
Cailyn
Well lets say you drink 6 a day. Then as days go on you will get tolerance withdrawals and wont feel good with only 6. Then you will increase to 7 then 8 etc.
Before you know it you will be drunk all the time. Then you wont get any work done anyways because your drunk all the time.
Also you will be shutting down your liver slowly. The stomach problems you may endure might cause cancer to your esophugus ( because of the stomach acid, and heart burn) Dont forget every drink your taking is killing more brain cells.
Trust me here i went down the that road. Then your going to have to choose eventually life or death because of drinking.
http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm
The Truth it is what it is. did you read that link i provided?
By The Way Please keep posting. Lets see how this moderation thing works for you.
We're all here to discuss our situations. I dont judge you either way just trying to help you.
Before you know it you will be drunk all the time. Then you wont get any work done anyways because your drunk all the time.
Also you will be shutting down your liver slowly. The stomach problems you may endure might cause cancer to your esophugus ( because of the stomach acid, and heart burn) Dont forget every drink your taking is killing more brain cells.
Trust me here i went down the that road. Then your going to have to choose eventually life or death because of drinking.
http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm
The Truth it is what it is. did you read that link i provided?
By The Way Please keep posting. Lets see how this moderation thing works for you.
We're all here to discuss our situations. I dont judge you either way just trying to help you.
