I was feeling Restless, Irritable and Discontent yesterday--maybe because I've started my Step #4, maybe because I just wanted to be a d***, maybe because it was a random Thursday in November. Who knows WHY? The point is that I WAS.
And a meeting didn't fix it. I was very very busy taking everyone's inventory instead of my own--maybe because I've pretty much finished--and it's very clear where my short-comings are: Others! Self esteem, fear of failure, what EVER, it's just as plain as the nose on my face where it all began--and I was looking back over some earlier posts (trying to find that, "Fearless Moral Inventory," post I'd made previously) and I recognized the exact same issues. Almost to the letter, afflicting me months ago.
Note to self: This is a disease and I can only keep it in remission. It NEVER goes away and I have to remember that it is a daily reprieve. As the Daily Reflections for today says, it's a daily reprieve.
QUOTE
I am as powerless over alcohol as I am to turn back the waves of the sea; ....
It's almost overwhelming sometimes so I have to keep my head down and keep plodding forward. One. Step. At. A. Time...
I went and chaired a meeting anyhow, and had every intent on simply reading from the Daily Reflections for today's date. It was nowhere to be found. Instead, the Big Book that we use has it's dust protective sleeve folded in on PP #65, and Twelve and Twelve happens to be opened to STEP 4.
Now, if I am AT ALL inclined to listen to MY HP like I am, one begins to get the subtle suggestion that perhaps this is what I need to bring up. So I did. And it was okay. And those people that actually have DONE the step could relate and share and encourage. It's not difficult to DO, it's difficult to be thorough. And it wasn't an attempt to shine the light on me--although you'd think that my postings here were intended to do just that--but to share how things are for me right at this moment in hopes it helps--and yes, to be selfish enough to 'splain what it does to me. Making the decision to to The 12 Steps of AA is one of the BEST decisions I've ever made.
So I'm lugging MY Step #4 around in my pocket and adding to the table the 'stuff' that is my inventory. Trying not to develop 'contempt prior to investigation,' but, rather, just do a real inventory.
I remember when I first started into the steps, I would look at Step 4 and be woa, ain't going there....then as I attended more and more meetings, and the program started working in my life, the fear of Step 4 lessened so by the time I got to Step 4, I was ready and willing to do it...
I asked others for their experiences and help and a couple of things that helped me tremendously was first off, Rachel shared how she would say a prayer before working on her inventory, so I would pray before I would start to write, such as "God, please help me to be willing, please help me be open and please help me be thorough", it was also shared with me, not to take it to personally as it was the past and to treat it like a fact-finding mission. I was also told to do it just like the Big Book suggested, making the 4 columns and listing in the columns downward, and then proceed to the next column...And lastly, I would usually work on it during my lunch and then I'd hit my meeting after work and that helped with the feelings that would surface when I was searching through my past....Then one day, I was done and realized by just moving through it, I got through it and now I look back and realize, it wasn't a big deal but it was a life changing, positive experience that I am so grateful for today....
You're doing awesome, SKG and you are exactly where you need to be...keep taking them steps forward and you will be amazed before you know it...
I was in a bad place too yesterday & I just wanted to give up. I felt the more I tried the more things went wrong....I didn't go to a meeting yesterday, I did come on this board tho (in pain pills category) and that helped me so much. Today I have more of a perspective on things than I did yesterday. I'm new, new to recovery and I found it interesting that when you went to another meeting anyway, and it was on the 4th step, kinda ironic, right? I'm new to recovery - but I did have 8 clean years once before. I went to meetings in the very beginning and then just tried to follow the steps. I remember it seemed like my HP was putting things in front of me right & left. I mean, things I needed . Little miracles, and things I needed to learn, and people who helped me in my life. It was great. I think maybe I might not of relapsed if I'd stayed in the program because I would have still had the support when things did start going wrong. Instead, when things started going bad wrong (deaths, divorce, moves) I ran to my old standby coping skill - in my case pain pills. So, here I am again, years later, older, more addicted, more humbled, maybe this time I'll get it.
Hi you two. Thanks for the kind words. It's not nearly as glum as I make it sound--the ONE part of this board that I miss is the F2F component of recovery. This works for me to squelch the committee during quiet times and I really have come to care for the folks that keep coming back, however, inflection and facial expressions are priceless. I smirk alot.
Back to the thing: I had quit quitting. I couldn't even quit quitting right! It wasn't until I faced the simple, unadulterated truth that I was powerless and that my life was headed for the s***ter that things changed. Or maybe I just accepted what I knew to be true: That AA was my last stop.
So I'm into this for the full-meal-deal, the full monty, the whole enchilada. And step #4 doesn't hurt or scare me, but the fact of the matter is that it's DESIGNED to make me take a 'fearless and thorough' inventory. It don't say nuttin' about squirrelly anywhere in there! :) Thanks for the kind thoughts, too.
An oldtimer once said to me if you walk 6 miles into the bush you still have to walk 6 miles back out.......My journey intothe scrub was long and filled with hills and valleys, lost months and years and i had wandered from the track real early.
My journey back to the road is still going and at times i see areas i used to travel, other parts have grown over or gone completely, i find the track now and then only to get lost again......yet i find myself sitting more and more and enjoying the scenery that i have never noticed before and thinking i am not to worried or hurried to find the road out.
The fourth step is about putting the solder on the wires to hold them in place firmly so they dont short circuit like they used to and the current of life can flow.
Nahhh i dont make it up it just comes to me while im sitting in the woods......i said sitting in the woods LMAO
Quite often people explain things textbook or complicated and i tend to need an explanation that is a picture in my head and if i am explaining ideas i try to use everyday situations and examples even from the persons job i am talking to, to try and put a picture across that they can relate to.
And you do it well, Zac! I've tried to be descriptive in writing but it seems to elude me: I tend to try to explain the concept rather than paint the picture. Of course, I'm left handed, too...
You do paint a picture with your wisdom and it is a picture of experience, strength , hope and gratitude and beautifully painted as only a southpaw (left hander) can.
Everyones posts paint a oicture of hope and it is up to me t put my colours to them
I SAW a Perspicacious one time! Or, at least, I probably did! Back in the 70s..... Of course, I was experimenting at the time, so I probably smoked, drank, or snorted it....
I wouldn't claim to be all of that, for sure. I've been trying to hide it for years! I grew up as the black sheep in my family and, while I was young, it was very evident that I was, in fact, different. Aside from being very left-handed, I sometimes felt I was the milkman's son! I had an older brother who would, at every turn, make sure I felt lesser, too. He also introduced me to the Mood Altering Drugs of the day, and alcohol.
Meanwhile, academically I excelled. I easily grasped the concepts, the nexxus, symbolism, mathematics, prose and any other education mechanism and, in fact, felt embarrassed for being a 'smart kid,' and would dumb down my communication, my relationships, and my life. To date I routinely slip into a spoken language that sailors can relate to better than those in the corporate board room. I graduated a month before my 17th birthday from High School.
I drank/drugged/addicted to anything that would make me feel like I was more of a man like my father and my brother--strapping fellas who made a living with their hands. Even in the later years I had to do everything and, on the weekends, I was the gentleman farmer/carpenter/woodsman/Mr. Home Remodeler like my father was.
I was embarrassed for being book smart but not having the mechanical skills that my most treasured mentor (older brother) had. Come to find out, it takes lefties far longer to develop them simply because they have to learn BOTH hands' abilities. Something I'm not sure Righties understand. Anyway, so yep, I tend to be observant as a means of figuring out how I can fit--and be funny so you will like me.
And Skg im glad you found the boards and are posting and reading your post i am reminded how i spent most of my drinkng life trying to be who i thought everyone percieved me to be and now i am like a stone sculpter as i have to chip away at the weathered and worn rock of old and shape the me that was always meant to be.......sober
Yeah it's funny how there seems to be a common thread of living up to others expectations and inherent feelings of inadequacy?
I mean, I remember as a kid it was just my Mum and me. I grew up in a Council estate which was a pretty rough area. I got bullied often because I went to a different school to the other girls. It was ok until I was about 7 as I thought I was going to make my holy communion (Ireland is a staunchly Catholic country). However, my mother decided that I could make up my own mind about religion when I grew up. I had never been baptised and she waited until I was seven to explain this to me. I'm proud of her courage and self honesty (hypocracy is another common Irish trait). BUT, my teachers at school were not quite so open minded. My fifth class teacher (a nun) would keep me back after school and tell me I was going to hell without baptism/communion/confirmation. The Priest took an instant hatred of me and would regularly regale the class with tales of fire and brimstone and how Ruth had a golden ticket straight to the old horned guy himself!!
I think a lot of that stuff shaped who I would become. I felt I was not good enough. Like you SKG, I excelled academically and that was my only saving grace. The teachers couldn't come down too heavily because I was a straight A kinda girl going on to win scholarships, get published internationally (academic) and become Dr. Ruth. Going to college all those old childhood feelings came too and that's when I discovered that alcohol can change who you are because who was going to like me for me?? All the adults I encountered wanted to change me. I was Never enough. Everyone in my college class came from wealthy backgrounds and that just kinda reinforced more insecurity. I believed life was hard work, and always would be.
Some new age thinkers believe alcoholism is really a cover for feelings of futility and 'whats the use'? Speaking personally, I can relate to that. So it all boils down to my thinking patterns and unlearning those early childhood messages. But that takes time. One day at a time in fact.
all boils down to my thinking patterns and unlearning those early childhood messages. But that takes time. One day at a time in fact.
I've always (well, since coming to meetings) heard that it's a, "Thinking problem, not a drinking problem," and, "Stinkin' Thinkin'," which I can ascribe to many of my problems and reasons to drink. I used to think it was a result of me being different.
So Ruth! It's good to see you posting--and not quite so angy! :) No biting lately? That skeert (scared) me plenty... ;)
Not even a tiny little bite!! :) It sure scared me plenty at the time too.
I was out walking just now and met someone who had to put me into a taxi last Christmas on the most drunken occasion of my life. And he is actually a nice guy - it' s just I'm a different person completely with drink. All I remember is that I insulted him plenty and all his family, and friends and probably his pets. I made such an almighty a** of myself and I am sure he thinks I'm low life. Just now brought back that all consuming shame and disgust that engulfed me last Christmas. Oh God! Please let this year be different.
You are lucky in one way SKG. I mean if your drinking was only harming you and not everyone who was unlucky enough to come into contact with you......? I mean did it affect work, friendships, family, people's perceptions of you?? Or could you really cover it up until only you had had enough?
