My daughter finally called. Last night at around 10:00PM. I was chill and reserved. Not cold. Just didn't want to react.
She told me her phone had been off and she was asleep in her dorm room until 11:00PM. Interesting that her father got back to me and told me she called him back and was fine. That was way before 11:00PM. More like 9:30 or so.
They both lie. Having a parent lie for you is superb. They've been doing this seperately and together they're a virtual bunch of lies.
So, in the end when we tried to reach a compromise as she had told my mom she'd check in with her to say she made it back to her dorm safe from the subway and didn't. It would be she'll call now and then. Hey, college kids do this so fine. But here ya go:
"I'll call when I feel like it and I don't care if YOU worry or not. My dad knows where I am and my boyfriend and my friends so worry all ya want because you haven't cared about me for an entire year. Get it straight, I do not care about you or what you think or do so mom-mom can take it or leave it"
I'm thrilled. I'm glad I raised a child for 17 years. I'm really happy my own child would say something like that let alone feel like that.
However not to be an ingrate I am thankful an old friend of hers who is at that school and don't even speak to her was kind enough to text me yesterday morning saying "Ma, I just seen her. She's on campus. I'm sorry you worried so much. Hope you are O.K."
Someone elses child was kind enough to do that for me. For that I am fortunate.
Wow. That's gotta hurt. So much. I can feel it in the stark recounting of it...your words are usually bursting with emotion...not this time...it's just plain facts...sheesh Bryn, how are you so full of compassion for others and so full of humour and...well...life? You are one amazing lady and I know I'd be proud as hell to call you mum.
Don't know what else to say hun.
Maddy x
Don't know what else to say hun.
Maddy x
Bryn i've no children so for me to say i understand what you're going through would be a lie. i feel your pain in your posts though. You're always one of the 1st on here to lend a helping hand or just a bit of advice and EVERYONE on here appreciates and values your opinion. If only your daughter quit acting the way she does her life would be so much better with a MOM like you....
Take it easy. Throwing some P vibes your way, Kev
Take it easy. Throwing some P vibes your way, Kev
Bryn...your a bit like me in a sense whenever Sian all 8yrs.of her gives me backchat i feel angry but really hurt at the same time......i feel like im losing her although thats an overreaction coz shes a good kid really....which im sure yer girl was back when younger.I know shes being a lil b**** to ya now hopefully in the wide tough world she will regret what shes doing to ya now in the future.Bryn i feel really bad for ya at the mo.you know we got a special bond so im really thinking of you as you are one of the best people on this board....take care...all the very best ............Davey
Hey Bryn....honey I feel your pain. My own daughter will be 25 in March. If someone would have told me when she was 12 or 13 that she would do and go through the things she has....I would have called them crazy.
The bond between a mother and daughter is a complicated amazing relationship that is like no other. We want to live vicariously through them having them do all the things that we couldn't or wouldn't. We have so much wisdom for them and when we are rejected for whatever reason, it hurts.
I will say this....she only gets one mom and that's you. There is no substituting or replacing this relationship no matter how hard she try. She is angry and hurt...let her own her feelings. I would just back away from her and wait....its hard, really really hard. Especially when there is another estranged parent involved. She will come to you. I promise....on her own time. Give it to her.
Once she realizes this...the allure of you not checking up on her will get the best of her. As hard as it will be to do....let go and let it run its course. She will come back and when she does you two can build.\
I have been through this and have found for me this worked and our relationship is getting better and stronger than I ever dreamed. She loves you and needs you....
I hope this helps...I feel for you...really I do!
The bond between a mother and daughter is a complicated amazing relationship that is like no other. We want to live vicariously through them having them do all the things that we couldn't or wouldn't. We have so much wisdom for them and when we are rejected for whatever reason, it hurts.
I will say this....she only gets one mom and that's you. There is no substituting or replacing this relationship no matter how hard she try. She is angry and hurt...let her own her feelings. I would just back away from her and wait....its hard, really really hard. Especially when there is another estranged parent involved. She will come to you. I promise....on her own time. Give it to her.
Once she realizes this...the allure of you not checking up on her will get the best of her. As hard as it will be to do....let go and let it run its course. She will come back and when she does you two can build.\
I have been through this and have found for me this worked and our relationship is getting better and stronger than I ever dreamed. She loves you and needs you....
I hope this helps...I feel for you...really I do!
went throught he same thing with my mother --not proud of it, but i now realize how awesome she was to just let me go through it and now doesnt hold anger(that I know of) i know your hurting but it wont last long--you know your x is behind alot of it--fueling her teenage angst--your her mother and she cannot deny that-wouldnt know where that stubborn zest comes from :) today my mom is my best friend and we speak a couple times a day and se each other every other day--she is my best friend--its painfull and yeah shes being a brat--but hang on--shes growing up still--love ya girlie
Hi Bryn, I agree with Amity and Kee Kee, even though I don't have the experience of having kids myself. My sister was just telling me yesterday how her 22 year old had gone through a phase of hating her partner and telling her that he hated her, etc.when he was in his teens. She is hoping her 12 year old will not do the same. My mom died when I was 18 and I really regret not being able to have an adult relationship with her. I think if you can force yourself to step back and not let her know how worried you are, she will come around and start to miss your attention. Your ex being in the middle of it makes things worse I'm sure. I know it will be impossible not to worry about her. I'm glad her fellow student is at least willing to let you know she's safe. You are such a great support to all of us here. Hope you have some of the same from your mom and others.
Well, Bryn, it took me a few days, but I finally made it back. Sad to see what's been happening in your life these past few days and even more troubling to see what it's done to you. Your girl's been mean and maipulative - completely disrespectful of your feelings and of your role in her life. I can't tell you how sorry I am that she's putting you through this - I can feel the intensity of the emotion in your posts and I know your heart aches.
It seems like every time things might just be starting to look up, she pushes you away again - because she can. I gotta think she's frightened by her own emotions and some of her acting out really shows that. Someone here said something about how our kids think that 18 is somehow magical - but the number doesn't make you an adult, or mature, or any more capable or thoughtful or kind than you were the day before when you only 17.
I know how it feels when your mind takes you from point A to worst-case-scenario in less than the blink of an eye. I used to do it all the time - go from why-hasn't-she-called to oh-my-god-she-must-be-dead-in-a-ditch with no middle ground. And as the thoughts go, so do the emotions - that wild ride that leaves us exhausted, frustrated, confused, and sad. I hate to hear how frantic you sound - it's just not good for you. And I'm afraid that as long as she knows she can play you like that she'll keep doing it - because she can. While we can't ever really say it doesn't get to us, we can get to the point where we let them go until they're ready to come back.
I pray you find some kind of way to deal with the hurt and disappointment you're feeling, and that this child wakes up to remember the wonderful mother she's always had in you. Sorry I haven't been there for you during these past couple of troubling days - just couldn't find a minute to myself. I hope you'll get some peace...
Thinking of you~MomNMore
It seems like every time things might just be starting to look up, she pushes you away again - because she can. I gotta think she's frightened by her own emotions and some of her acting out really shows that. Someone here said something about how our kids think that 18 is somehow magical - but the number doesn't make you an adult, or mature, or any more capable or thoughtful or kind than you were the day before when you only 17.
I know how it feels when your mind takes you from point A to worst-case-scenario in less than the blink of an eye. I used to do it all the time - go from why-hasn't-she-called to oh-my-god-she-must-be-dead-in-a-ditch with no middle ground. And as the thoughts go, so do the emotions - that wild ride that leaves us exhausted, frustrated, confused, and sad. I hate to hear how frantic you sound - it's just not good for you. And I'm afraid that as long as she knows she can play you like that she'll keep doing it - because she can. While we can't ever really say it doesn't get to us, we can get to the point where we let them go until they're ready to come back.
I pray you find some kind of way to deal with the hurt and disappointment you're feeling, and that this child wakes up to remember the wonderful mother she's always had in you. Sorry I haven't been there for you during these past couple of troubling days - just couldn't find a minute to myself. I hope you'll get some peace...
Thinking of you~MomNMore
Bryn- Sorry your daughter is being so mean to you, you really don't deserve it. First of all she did call you, right? but when she didn't get the response she expected from you she resorted to saying mean things to get the best of you. Mnm is right she treats you like that because she knows she can.
You gave me some advise about my husband last week, don't fight back with, don't let him get the best of me with his hurtful words, see you kept your cool with her and she didn't know how to react.
Your x is neither here nor there, my mom always tells me what goes around comes around... He is the father of your child no more. His opinions, his snotty comments mean nothing to you, sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you, especially from him.
Try to not take your daughters behavior personal, she will come around. Some day you will look back and think boy that seems like a life time ago when we didn't get along. She is trying hard to be an adult but is still using her child mentality to do it. She will mature.
Take care of you, you are totally amazing and some day your daughter will think the same. sherrri
You gave me some advise about my husband last week, don't fight back with, don't let him get the best of me with his hurtful words, see you kept your cool with her and she didn't know how to react.
Your x is neither here nor there, my mom always tells me what goes around comes around... He is the father of your child no more. His opinions, his snotty comments mean nothing to you, sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you, especially from him.
Try to not take your daughters behavior personal, she will come around. Some day you will look back and think boy that seems like a life time ago when we didn't get along. She is trying hard to be an adult but is still using her child mentality to do it. She will mature.
Take care of you, you are totally amazing and some day your daughter will think the same. sherrri
Hey Bryn,
I'm even later then everyone else. I'm just back from work where I stay all week. I don't come home until Thursday. I can only take the occasional peek, but can't post. I sure wanted to, to tell you how well I think you handled all of this.
It seems never ending with her. I really do know how you feel. I get so angry I can't see with my 18 y/o's. I really need to take a lesson from you with how well you do. I know the price is tremendous and so very painful. Please know I'm with you in spirit!
xo, Beck
I'm even later then everyone else. I'm just back from work where I stay all week. I don't come home until Thursday. I can only take the occasional peek, but can't post. I sure wanted to, to tell you how well I think you handled all of this.
It seems never ending with her. I really do know how you feel. I get so angry I can't see with my 18 y/o's. I really need to take a lesson from you with how well you do. I know the price is tremendous and so very painful. Please know I'm with you in spirit!
xo, Beck
Thank you dear ones..............thank you so much.
Beck, thanks for peeking........LOL........hope work is good..........yeah we're in that similar boat...........thanks for the vote of confidence...........maybe we should pair them off...........and add VW's one daughter with them.
Thanks again everyone........I'm very appreciative.
Beck, thanks for peeking........LOL........hope work is good..........yeah we're in that similar boat...........thanks for the vote of confidence...........maybe we should pair them off...........and add VW's one daughter with them.
Thanks again everyone........I'm very appreciative.
Hate to say it- but- the kid is really a b**** ,aint she?
Hopefully, as she gets older & wiser ,she'll realize how much time she wasted with this bulls***, and then she'll want to get back all the time that she should,ve been building her relationship with you instead of hurting it.
You have been real understanding - more than I would ve been.
I often wonder- what if I had a daughter 21 yrs ago instead of a son?? I think it would ve been a lot tougher.
Much respect to you
love jack
Hopefully, as she gets older & wiser ,she'll realize how much time she wasted with this bulls***, and then she'll want to get back all the time that she should,ve been building her relationship with you instead of hurting it.
You have been real understanding - more than I would ve been.
I often wonder- what if I had a daughter 21 yrs ago instead of a son?? I think it would ve been a lot tougher.
Much respect to you
love jack
HAHAHA, Jack trust me you're not the first person called her the B word. Oh she's a piece of work, my daughter.
This therapy I go to is like life saving, honestly. I'd be handling it much differently if I wasn't getting this help. Man, I'd be sitting outside her dorm thingie waiting for her to come out and jump her hinney if I wasn't in therapy. All I know is if I'd have even remotely pulled something one millimeter like she does my dad would have been right behind me.
I keep telling my mom "LOOK, you had DADDY to help you with us." It ain't helping my ex husband LIES WITH HER AND FOR HER!
Basically the worse of all I think is her condescension. That talking down to me . My ex husband did that all the time. Later I learned to resond to it although it was still REACTING. That's the key not to react. Yeah, I'd say to him "You may know all about Kurt Vonnegaut, but you got zero culture. You've never seen a piece of art in your life or been to a musical, ya smart a*s".
Yeah, sure that hurt him.
Jaack, my brother has three sons. He has been here through so much of the trials with my daughter. He just can't even grasp it. I'd look at him after she'd talk down to me and his face said it all. That's not ALL girls no way, but friends I know who have sons and daughter say by far the girls give ya the run for the money. I called her today. Of course she screens her calls. I left a nice cheerful message. "Hi, just saying hello and wondering how you are".
I will get no response. It's punishment. She'll hope I don't sleep for days and worry sick. If I don't keep going to therapy she's gonna be seeing my face and at the most surprising of times. Next I'll be finding out the boyfriends name. Where he lives. Stuff SOMEONE should actually know. Her dad never met him and don't even know his name. I mean people care about her.
I gotta chill. I'll be calling one of her EX friends of which there are many and getting her business and popping up in her space. Ohhhhhhhhh, the horrors of all this I hate it. Enjoy your son is all I can say, Jack.
This therapy I go to is like life saving, honestly. I'd be handling it much differently if I wasn't getting this help. Man, I'd be sitting outside her dorm thingie waiting for her to come out and jump her hinney if I wasn't in therapy. All I know is if I'd have even remotely pulled something one millimeter like she does my dad would have been right behind me.
I keep telling my mom "LOOK, you had DADDY to help you with us." It ain't helping my ex husband LIES WITH HER AND FOR HER!
Basically the worse of all I think is her condescension. That talking down to me . My ex husband did that all the time. Later I learned to resond to it although it was still REACTING. That's the key not to react. Yeah, I'd say to him "You may know all about Kurt Vonnegaut, but you got zero culture. You've never seen a piece of art in your life or been to a musical, ya smart a*s".
Yeah, sure that hurt him.
Jaack, my brother has three sons. He has been here through so much of the trials with my daughter. He just can't even grasp it. I'd look at him after she'd talk down to me and his face said it all. That's not ALL girls no way, but friends I know who have sons and daughter say by far the girls give ya the run for the money. I called her today. Of course she screens her calls. I left a nice cheerful message. "Hi, just saying hello and wondering how you are".
I will get no response. It's punishment. She'll hope I don't sleep for days and worry sick. If I don't keep going to therapy she's gonna be seeing my face and at the most surprising of times. Next I'll be finding out the boyfriends name. Where he lives. Stuff SOMEONE should actually know. Her dad never met him and don't even know his name. I mean people care about her.
I gotta chill. I'll be calling one of her EX friends of which there are many and getting her business and popping up in her space. Ohhhhhhhhh, the horrors of all this I hate it. Enjoy your son is all I can say, Jack.
